I’m the worst mum ever and don’t know what to do

[Endofwitsend]

My kids are out of control and I can’t do anything about it. I’m at my wits end. I can’t make up my mind if we’re too soft or too strict.
They never follow instructions, can’t reason and don’t respond to removal of privileges or talking about things, family rules, sticker charts, routines. They totally rule the roost.
My partner and I never go out because I’m embarrassed to leave them with a babysitter because their behaviour is so bad. They play up every bedtime and short of locking their bedroom doors I don’t know what I can say or do to get them to go to bed. I get so exasperated sometimes, I cry. And sometimes I’m so tired from a day of having them I just ignore it and let them crack on.
They display behaviours that aren’t in any of the books so I don’t know how to deal with them, and I’ve read many many books!
I’ve had many outbursts at them, manhandled them especially when trying to get them in the car/ off something dangerous and I’m ashamed to admit it but smacked them on occasion. All to no avail.
They are 6/5/3
I wish they could go and live with parents that actually know how to provide stability for them and I feel like a shit mum every day. I can’t believe how disrespectful and badly behaved they are and I know it’s all our fault but can’t find a way to get them to stop.
Please ask me for more info if I’m drip feeding but I don’t want to write an essay (I could)
And please help

I have a 3 year old with a developmental delay including a speech delay so might be able to help.

With the violence I take a zero tolerance approach, so no warning it's a straight up time out for hitting, kicking, throwing with intent to hurt, biting or pushing.

If she gets off the timeout spot I put her behind the babygate in her room, leave the door open and the light on so I can hear her but walk away. She will shake the gate, scream at me, shout, throw toys the lot. I leave her to calm down. When she's done 3 calm minutes I go in acknowledge that she felt frustrated/sad/angry because she couldn't tell me what she wanted or she was told no, but say we don't hit. Longest she was in there was an hour, but she learnt, and now it takes at most 10 minutes. I also find saying "How would you feel if x came up to you at Nursery and hit you?" x being her friend, work because even if she can't answer I can tell from her face she understands.

I also have a shout spot. So if she's getting frustrated or upset I say "Go and stand on the shout spot for a few minutes, come back when your done" so she goes and has her shout and then comes back - I find it helps that she sees me walk away when I'm angry and have a scream into my pillow. It's ok for them to feel it's just dealing with it in the right way.

I also find positive praise works for even the smallest thing "well done for picking up your upsey daisy toy and putting back into your toy box".

Hi
Bit of a long one here sorry.
My husband took custody of his son 2 years ago. He has settled in very well with us and seems happy and content loves school etc. The problem been his mum has had no contact with him for 2 years (she called him the first couple of weeks) he is now 10 and had started to talk more about things at his mums. Don't know where to turn he tells us he was left alone a fair bit. This was giving him nightmares. His mum stole whilst out shopping with him. She put him in a hot bath and he burnt his bum. She made him keep secrets from her boyfriend eg smoking drinking leaving him alone etc. Our issue now is that she has another child and my stepson is so frightened the same happens to him. Any advice on where to go or what to do?
Thank you

@Declanliam1 start your own thread you’all get more/better responses and it sounds like you could really do with the support

@Declanliam1 I would suggest contacting SS, ask for where to get some help for you dss. They will ask about her access to children and someone "should" investigate.
Reassure dss that telling you was the right thing to do. (Get him some professional help; other avenues to try are school, GP and charities, but try SS first.)
The Step parents board or adoption board may be able to give more advice.