I’m the worst mum ever and don’t know what to do

[Endofwitsend]

My kids are out of control and I can’t do anything about it. I’m at my wits end. I can’t make up my mind if we’re too soft or too strict.
They never follow instructions, can’t reason and don’t respond to removal of privileges or talking about things, family rules, sticker charts, routines. They totally rule the roost.
My partner and I never go out because I’m embarrassed to leave them with a babysitter because their behaviour is so bad. They play up every bedtime and short of locking their bedroom doors I don’t know what I can say or do to get them to go to bed. I get so exasperated sometimes, I cry. And sometimes I’m so tired from a day of having them I just ignore it and let them crack on.
They display behaviours that aren’t in any of the books so I don’t know how to deal with them, and I’ve read many many books!
I’ve had many outbursts at them, manhandled them especially when trying to get them in the car/ off something dangerous and I’m ashamed to admit it but smacked them on occasion. All to no avail.
They are 6/5/3
I wish they could go and live with parents that actually know how to provide stability for them and I feel like a shit mum every day. I can’t believe how disrespectful and badly behaved they are and I know it’s all our fault but can’t find a way to get them to stop.
Please ask me for more info if I’m drip feeding but I don’t want to write an essay (I could)
And please help

What happens when the seatbelt clicks is you stop the car, you get out and you sit and wait for 15/20 min minimum (an hour if necessary) til they are bored and begging you to go. Take coffee and a book for yourself. Invent journeys when it doesnt matter if you get there to practise.

The reality is they either have some kind of neurological delay or they are taking the piss because they know you dont mean business. Basically they have more will power than you do.

Only 1 of you can be the boss - best it's you.

You sound amazing!! It’s mad but you are holding it together and you will get through it. Bet you will be in a much better place in 3 months time. Good luck!!

Try being a sticker for routine.
Include daily fresh air and exercise I.e park. At least an hour.
No screens, very little tv.
Definitely staggered bedtime according to age.
Can you rope in dp and a third adult so each child has an adult to themselves for the bedtime routine?
Be very firm and consistent, don’t deviate at the weekend for instance.
The children should think there is no other way to be.
My dcs were fine behaviour wise when they followed the above, but were difficult when deviated, mostly due to lack of sleep.
The outside play is imperative, no matter what the weather!

It does sound like you need to work on your consequences. It will take a little while for them to realise you mean business but you need to stick to what you say, stay consistent and realistic, and make things achievable.

So with the seat belts as previous OP states pull over and don't move. If it continues, warn them and if they carry on, especially if on a trip out, turn round and go back home. If you do this when they're going somewhere they like, they'll soon realise , and they will automatically continue the better behaviour when going somewhere they're not too bothered with.

Changing behaviours will be painful and traumatic. Keep at it. As soon as you back down on your work they know they can push your buttons and get their own way.

Also reward good behaviour. People have trained rats and pigeons with these tactics so kids should be easy ;) ha ha.

Be consistent always and let them know what's expected and what will happen if they do requested behaviour and also what will happen if they don't.

It's really, really tough with this age group.

I do agree with the PP about exercise. My younger one was a nightmare if he didn't get a good run around. I knew every playpark in town. I just found he'd be calmer and be easier to manage.

Don't feel bad. You're not a bad mum. It just can be overwhelming at this age. And also children are different. I tried the naughty step with my son and the returning to bed thing. And he just got back up as soon as I put him there. I once returned him to bed 200 times before I gave up!

It gets easier. He's (usually) lovely now as a teen.

Sorry OP but you write really well and I just keep laughing

I’d suggest they aren’t tired enough at 6.30. It took me a while to accept my son just didn’t need as much sleep as other kids his age so he goes at 8.30 and it’s much less fraught. He’s up bright and breezy at 7.00am

What do they like most in the world? Can you bribe them? I use a lot of bribery...

They don’t believe you. They think you’re a soft touch.
I’m sorry to sound harsh OP but that’s how it is.
You need to find a way or making them believe that you mean it.

The reality is they either have some kind of neurological delay or they are taking the piss because they know you dont mean business.

I kind of agree with this. I’m not at all strict but there is no doubt that I’m the boss. I still get push back now and then but I only need change voice and expression and he knows I mean business.

Honestly I think you are doing very well and it's mostly a matter of you are outnumbered with very young children. My mum always said that having 3 of us under 7 was seriously tough, and we were quite easygoing kids, so I think even fairly normal levels of 'naughtiness' are just magnified massively when there's 3 little ones. I can't add to the great suggestions here - good luck!

I also agree re exercise - loads of outdoor exercise makes a difference. But if u continue to struggle then follow a carefully selected professionals advice.
I would be cautious with the poster above saying ignore or praise praise praise.

The best advice I stick by is YES means YES and NO means NO.
As said above, always follow through a warning/threat.

I’m going to try the dreaded rapid return tomorrow night and binge watch super nanny tonight.
They are taking the complete piss, you are right and I think Christmas didn’t help.
Thank you for all your advice I am going to sift through with pen and paper and write a battle plan.
Can I just ask one more thing? This situation.
Child- Mummy can I have X?
Mum- No, we haven’t time/ you’ve had enough/ too messy etc
Child- Oh, that’s not fair I WANT X
Mum- I said No
Child- (kicks off) I want it NOW, you’re mean, I hate you bla bla bla
Mum- i(ignores)
Child - I want etc
Mum- ignores
Child begins to grab mother and follow about the house crying and repeating I want X
Mum- ignores
Child- Mummy why are you not talking to me, why won’t you answer? You won’t even speak to me you’re mean
Mum- ignores
Child-(still kicking off) I WANT a cuddle
Mum- ignores
Child- You said cuddles come for free and you’ll always give me a cuddle
Mum-(wearily cuddles child)
Child-(sobbing) Mummy? Can I have X now
Mum- No
Rinse and repeat

Can I actually deny him a cuddle even if he’s begging for one and am I a liar because cuddles shouldn’t be earned or conditional should they?

Seriously Weary? They take their seatbelt off in the car and you think the answer is to ignore them?

Tiny bribes can work well, and wit tree small kids you can play them off against each other to good effect.

Ten years ago, between my partner and I we had a 3 year old, a 4 year old, an NT 6 year old, and an ADD and ASD 6 year old.

We used chocolate chips like dog treats. And only ONE chip was ever handed out at a time. No "reward for everyone trying". ONE winner. ONE best behaved child. We gave out about 10 chocolate chips a day - and every child got at least one even if we had to spy on them all day to catch them at least being still if not particularly good.

YOu can empathise with them, reason with them, yell at them and take their treasured things, but NOTHING works as well as bribery with chocolate.

I'd give the cuddle - think of it as you consoling them for being upset because they didnt get their way, rather than you giving in.

I agree with starting bedtime a bit later. If they are genuinely tired they might not piss about so much.

Start with the youngest and try rapid return. Can DH manage the other two downstairs until the youngest is down, even if it ends up taking a long time?

No advice but it does get better, mine were that young and you feel that they're against you. I used to tell my friends they were little bastards, and they were. Fucking hard work and shit.
I now have a toddler on their own and the older ones are much easier to manage. The toddler is the one where under my breath I say For fucks sake when he wakes up, won't eat, is defiant. It's shit but it gets better.

Ah they like this game of wind mummy up and watch her go.

Also as someone who works in a school, I cannot say enough you need to develop your authority. You are the BOSS. Your word is law, you're a benevolent dictator and it's not a discussion/democracy.
Mine are 20mths apart and are teens now but even now, if they piss about at bedtime and try it on, I tell them they'll go to bed 30 mins earlier the next night. They soon sort themselves out.

I like the PP poster of pull over and stop the car when they mess around. Be a grey rock, ignore their messing about whilst you sit there for 15mins or however long it takes. No seatbelts is a non negotiable, they must be on.

I always allow a cuddle when they're weeping about not getting their own way (UNLESS what they want is to get out of bed, then the answer is "yes, in the morning. Goodnight"). But cuddling them does not get them what they want. So in my house it would have gone "yes of course you can have a cuddle. You still are not having X"

And actually could you not just stick a dvd on for the older two and let the 3 year old stay with you and sleep with you?Just do what you need to to survive. My eldest used to fall asleep to a dvd.

Hi, ex-primary school teacher here - a few parents of kids in a few of my classes over the years did Magic 1,2,3 parenting course and it honestly changed their lives. Plus they met other parents in a similar boat and felt less alone.

Our local children's centre offered it xx contact them first xx

I definitely agree with using reward rather than punishment. Your eldest will LOVE to have a later bedtime, maybe some responsibility for helping the little ones get their drinks etc, then an extra half hour up watching a cartoon or an extra book. If they go to bed nicely they get to do that the next night. Then the middle one will want a slightly later bedtime too- same bribe tactics.

Look, consequences do work but you have do it firmly, really do it, and no drama. It sounds like your consequences with the police and everything got quite exciting and dramatic -that is very reinforcing. Hell it sounds like fun to me and I’m 42. Remember you should be speaking to them lots when praising, and barely saying a thing when disciplining. 123-no chat, drama or negotiation.

You might need to get inventive. Think of one problem you really want to solve. Getting in the car with no drama, for example. Tell them you are taking them to a new soft play/ice cream place or something...tell them they need to be in the car sitting nicely with seat belts on in 10 mins. First pissing about “THATS A ONE. IF WE GET TO THREE WE ARE NOT GOING” then a two, then a three and DONT GO. You invented the trip to make a point anyway so chill out, calm down. Don’t negotiate. Every plea after that let it fall on deaf ears. Or shrug “yes it’s a shame isn’t it, but I did warn you”. Nothing more. The 123 needs to be quick and easy and not open to plea or persuasion. Guaranteed they’ll pay attention a little more next time. But you must always, always follow through, without drama and negotiation.

Bedtime is about everyone getting rest to be fit for the next day. If they don’t go to bed the 3 is mummmy won’t be able to do x,y or z the next day as she didn’t get enough rest. Again, you need to follow through. Offer each of them 20mins with a parent for stories or some other lovely 1-1 activity. 123 and then they lose that. Always follow through accepting it will make for a few shit nights before they get the message.

You say you’ve done consequences but have you actually ever removed their doors and made them earn them back with better behaviour?

I wouldn't ignore the endless requests. I would say as calmly as possible 'I've already answered and the answer won't change' and then 'already answered' ad infinitum.