Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m the worst mum ever and don’t know what to do

205 replies

Endofwitsend · 02/01/2019 19:25

My kids are out of control and I can’t do anything about it. I’m at my wits end. I can’t make up my mind if we’re too soft or too strict.
They never follow instructions, can’t reason and don’t respond to removal of privileges or talking about things, family rules, sticker charts, routines. They totally rule the roost.
My partner and I never go out because I’m embarrassed to leave them with a babysitter because their behaviour is so bad. They play up every bedtime and short of locking their bedroom doors I don’t know what I can say or do to get them to go to bed. I get so exasperated sometimes, I cry. And sometimes I’m so tired from a day of having them I just ignore it and let them crack on.
They display behaviours that aren’t in any of the books so I don’t know how to deal with them, and I’ve read many many books!
I’ve had many outbursts at them, manhandled them especially when trying to get them in the car/ off something dangerous and I’m ashamed to admit it but smacked them on occasion. All to no avail.
They are 6/5/3
I wish they could go and live with parents that actually know how to provide stability for them and I feel like a shit mum every day. I can’t believe how disrespectful and badly behaved they are and I know it’s all our fault but can’t find a way to get them to stop.
Please ask me for more info if I’m drip feeding but I don’t want to write an essay (I could)
And please help

OP posts:
Haypanky · 03/01/2019 13:06

I just typed a great witty reply then lost it 🤨

The short non witty version... I'm totally feeling ya! 4yo is a total nob, aided and abetted by 20mo nob in training.

I got some great tips from this thread!

Suggestions from me, try bedtime tokens. Family meeting, kids write up bedtime rules to keep in their rooms eg stay in bed, no shouting, wait for your clock to show morning. Then, make tokens. Every time a rule is broken, it costs a token. Of tokens remain in morning, they get a reward. We used penny sweets. Think it's more the sense of achievement tbh. At first they have as many tokens as they need (Dd used 22!) Then it gradually reduces. If they run out, then do silent returns. Out hopefully won't be as bad as if you do it cold. This tactic gives the child control. You might find a bit of competition?!

We had tried and failed at silent returns and I didn't like how it made things physical. Bedtime tokens is more slowly catchy monkey but worked for us.

Other suggestion, I just finished reading 'how to talk so little people will listen' and got some good tips.

drspouse · 03/01/2019 13:07

Water was had in non spill cups until I could trust them not to spill.
My DS is perfectly capable of taking the top off so the only answer for us is no water in bed.

thinkfast · 03/01/2019 13:12

Would starting bedtime a little later help? I think 6:30 is too early for the older ones and if they go to bed too early they won't be tired and will have energy to mess around.

I use timers on my phone at bedtime. Eg right you have 10 minutes story time now. When my phone beeps I'm stopping reading. They learn pretty quickly that begging for extra time doesn't help.

I think you will need the mindset that for the next 2 weeks you and dh will have no evening together - you will dedicate that time to cracking this and will be firm but not lose your tempers

bookmum08 · 03/01/2019 13:35

I agree that 6.30 is far to early for bedtime. When my girl was 5 she went to Rainbows which was from 5.30 - 6.30. Have you thought about signing the 6 year old up for Rainbows /Beavers/Woodcraft Folk. Get them out the house for a bit after school. At the moment by starting bedtime so early they aren't really getting much of a non school life if after school is so focused on bedtime. They clearly aren't tired at 6.30. Also take the link (if you have it) between bathtime and bedtime away. Having a bath should be because you are grubby and need to be clean - children don't need one every day.

eurochick · 03/01/2019 13:53

We've only got one child but around 3-4 she was getting difficult to manage. We've found a reward system to be more effective than consequences. We bought some gold tokens off Amazon and she gets one or two for each instance of good behaviour. So eg tidying toys - 1 token. Going to bed without behaving like a wild thing - 1 token. When she gets to 20 (which we engineer to take around a week) she gets a small treat (a blind bag, some stickers or a magazine). You could turn it into a competition between your three - first one to 20 gets the best prize or whatever.

Millionsofthings · 03/01/2019 14:56

Thank you to the ladies assume my neighbor is an arsehole!! As someone who rarely swears... I made an exception that day!!

Skatersbeskating · 03/01/2019 14:59

Sounds like my DD Shock

Im following for advice Flowers

cece · 03/01/2019 15:01

123 magic by Thomas Phelan. There's a book and a course. It's surprisingly effective.

Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 03/01/2019 15:16

I can share my bedtime plan. I give them half an hour warning before bed, and tell them to collect any tissues/ drinks/ plasters/ extra blankets/ favourite toys/ food/ savlon for sores that haven’t been sore all day etc now or miss their chance. At bedtime I’ll go up when they shout but just empathise how terrible it is that they suddenly need x y or z and didn’t get it when they had chance, oh well, it’ll have to wait until morning, hopefully you’ll remember tomorrow...
It took about 4-5 days of tantrums with the eldest (5 at the time), 2 days with dd (4 at the time), 2 weeks with the youngest (4 at the time, now 5) and 3-4 weeks to partial success with my 6yo (he’s hard going and it’s still 50/50!) The other thing that helps is letting my 6 year old read in bed (books with lots of words and no pictures work best). I set him a 6 page limit, he tends to fall asleep after 2-4. He still plays up a couple of times a week, more if tired, but it’s a huge improvement from nightly 2 hour battles.

Fairylightfurore · 03/01/2019 15:32

Mornings- no leaving their room until a set time ( until the gro clock sun is up in our house, I set it for 7 in term-time, 8 in holidays) tv, no going downstairs until they are dressed, school stuff kept in boxes by the door. Night time- strict routine so they know what's happening finishing with stories, clean teeth and into bed. They then have to stay in their room and I don't engage with any of the procrastination. If they're not sleepy they can read/ listen to an audiobook/ meditations). Any pissing around is met with supernanny's 'bed darling'/ 'bed'/ silently putting them back. I would go crazy without my evenings so make this a priority.

Fairylightfurore · 03/01/2019 15:33

That should say no TV above obviously.

drspouse · 03/01/2019 15:52

We get a lot of lost teddies/blankies and we always say, we'll bring it if we find it (no getting up to look for it and no promises).
Also, "I'll answer your question when you're in bed and quiet" works quite well.

Original poster
Endofwitsend · 03/01/2019 16:36

Update- dc1 asked for milk as soon as came back from walking all day. I said no, water (not enough milk for guzzling) kicked off, tried to raid fridge took out milk, I replaced, grey rock. Removed again, I put back again. Removed. I did naughty step technique took me 40 mins to get dc to sit on naughty step for 6 minutes. Happy mummy again (I feel like psychopath). The shock on dc1 face and the realisation that this wasn’t going to actually stop until the 6 minutes was up. Now outside with daddy helping to build fire. Score 1 to me 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
Endofwitsend · 03/01/2019 16:38

Btw I did explain why milk wasn’t allowed and prepared 3 cups of water for each of dc and left on side. Dc1 chose to not drink and demand milk, just so you don’t think I’m a stone cold power happy bitch!

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 03/01/2019 16:38

Atta girl! Grin

ForAMinuteThere · 03/01/2019 16:52

Op mine can't watch tv unless they negotiate on what to watch. If they don't agree on a programme they get nothing. They soon learned how to converse about it and get on and actually compromise too - they were 5 and 7 when we started. Give it a go? And don't back down!

Bekabeech · 03/01/2019 17:57

Endofwitsend - I just remembered something else which helped - watch "Outnumbered". One of the scenes that sticks with me most is when Mum is struggling to get them all out to school, and it is chaotic. Meanwhile the next door neighbour is loading her 4 impeccable turned out children into her car to take them to Prep school complete with instruments and bulging sports bags.

You are not alone!

PookieDo · 03/01/2019 18:25

You almost need to meditate into Grey Rock mode and learn to enjoy it (I actually do manage to zone out the whining and become determined to win). The look on their faces when they realise that ol’ mummy give in for a quiet life has left the building...

willitbe · 03/01/2019 19:51

well done on today, hope bedtime goes well for you.

Original poster
Endofwitsend · 03/01/2019 21:31

Bedtime went well today, they were all in bed asleep by 7.45/8
The youngest bloody loves rapid return though. He found it fun like some sort of warped game of grandmas footsteps 😂
He would find different ways to slip out of bed and travel across the floor. Army roll, slithering, comedy creeping ffs. But it worked eventually and he stayed in bed.
Eldest 2 were shocked by 2 rounds of naughty step so didn’t want to piss about incase I used it again, I didn’t have to threaten anything. They just did as they were told.
I think it helped being Mary poppies between being the grey rock of the naughty step.
I bribed them by saying that whoever went to sleep first would get a special treat in the morning (I will put edible glitter on their porridge!)
I used a children’s meditation thing on YouTube hooked up to wireless speaker placed in hall which worked well.
I had one request for a drink which I denied as a drink had already been given right before bed.
It really helped them all being knackered from being out all day so we will be walking the 25 minutes to and from school daily to exercise them (like dogs)
Tomorrow will be the first full day of them being with me and me having to keep them all under wraps.

OP posts:
willitbe · 03/01/2019 21:43

Well done - will be thinking of you tomorrow keeping it all going, exercise and all....

kaytee87 · 03/01/2019 21:52

Would it help if you staggered their bedtimes but made it a treat for each one. Special story /chat with mummy and nice cuddle for half an hour each? Don't make it a battle, whisper when talking to them about their da as if it's just for the 2 of you. If they're craving your attention then it might work.
Consistency is key though and it might take several nights of doing exactly the same thing.

DotForShort · 03/01/2019 22:08

Excellent start to a whole new approach! Just as a word of caution, I would say that walking to and from school may not be enough to tire them out. Many children need much, much more exercise than that. Difficult to come by in winter but necessary and very good for them.

StoppinBy · 03/01/2019 22:58

'toonie time' (cartoons) have to be earned at our house

Our DD gets 5minutes for each chore she does (chicken scraps, toilet roll to the bin, dirty clothes from bathroom to laundry, toy tidy in lounge etc). This has made a huge difference to her behaviour with the telly!

Also she has to have done a minimum of 7 jobs through the week to have earned the right to watch a movie if there is one on the telly on the weekend. Only one of those 7 can be done on the day the movie is on so that she can't do nothing during the week then do a 'panic run' of jobs on the day she realises she wants to watch something.

There are no more arguments over the telly, she knows to check her job tracker on the fridge - not enough jobs/time means no movie/cartoon time. She also only watches short bursts of toonies as she doesn't want to use them all up in one go.

We too noticed an improvement in her behaviour when we implemented our 'toonie tracker' system :-)

Veterinari · 04/01/2019 06:09

That sounds brilliant op! I def think the exercise helps and the combination of rewards and consequences too. You just have to keep it up. They might be in shock now but they will test you again and again. Stay strong. Be consistent