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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants to cook when she comes to visit- AIBU

203 replies

Advice79 · 30/12/2018 00:51

MIL always wants to cook when she comes to stay with us. I always make sure that there is food cooked when she arrives but she seldom eats it- we are from different cultures so the food isn’t what she is used to, but she doesn’t even try it. She says that she wants to cook for her son and her grandchildren, but my point is there is food already made which they would eat. Also the last time she cooked she burnt my favourite pot and it’s ruined!!! I don’t want her cooking in my kitchen- a part of me feels like she is trying to mark her territory in my home, and I really dont like it. I have said to hubby that If she wants to cook why can’t she cook at her house and bring it with her, but apparently this is not possible. He doesn’t see an issue. I am a homely person and my kitchen is important to me. Aibu?

OP posts:
ShinyPinkLipgloss · 30/12/2018 00:53

Tell her to book into an AirBNB and cook until her hearts content!

Your house, your rules.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/12/2018 00:58

Your MIL needs to respect your home and your twat husband needs to support you. I agree that she is trying to gain dominance. Sod that!

TyneTeas · 30/12/2018 00:58

Do you visit her and she cooks for you then?

If not I can kind of understand why she might want to cook for you all ( also fully understanding how having someone else in the kitchen is tough, especially if it seems a criticism of what you cook)

CoughLaughFart · 30/12/2018 00:59

It seems a bit precious to me.

Original poster
Advice79 · 30/12/2018 01:01

When we visit her she doesn’t cook for us. Her place is v small so it’s difficult for all of us to fit and eat as it’s a studio flat and there are 5 of us (me kids and hubby) she just seems to want to cook at our house

OP posts:
KC225 · 30/12/2018 01:02

Ask her for a list of ingredients before she arrives and let her crack on with it. She is not going to change, so gain from it. Get get to make a few freezer meals too.

CrazyOldBagLady · 30/12/2018 01:06

I don't see the issue with letting her cook a meal if it would make her happy. She obviously prefers her own food to yours and would like chance to cook everyone a meal. It's no skin off your nose, so relax and let her do it.

Gonnagetflamed · 30/12/2018 01:07

My xmil did this. She arrived the night before our wedding, demanded the best man drove her to the 'Indian area' where they spoke her language and sold the ingredients she wanted.
She ruined our stag and hen nights and our wedding. Just because she wanted to serve 'her food'

SleepingStandingUp · 30/12/2018 01:10

Well it isn't just your home / kitchen is it?

Does DH want her to cook once on her visits? Would the kids enjoy foods from their fathers culture?

Tell DH he's replacing any pots she burns but otherwise, yeah, you do seem a bit precious. You won't be usurped from your role as food giver by her cooking one meal

Cherries101 · 30/12/2018 01:11

Your dh clearly wants to eat what she cooks. Make him responsible for the clean up. If this is Indian food, keep a bunch of old pans (perhaps where the non-stick has been ruined or scraped off) just for mil’s use.

PatPhoenix · 30/12/2018 01:15

I hated letting my MIL go into my kitchen but looking back it was largely insecurity (she used to work at the Department of Health making food safety rules, I'm an utter slob)! IMO there were also some cultural food issues that made it harder.

Agreed it would actually show huge maturity if you can let her do this. But I do understand why it is difficult. Put away your most precious things and let her at it.

Cherries101 · 30/12/2018 01:15

I’m Indian — if you’re tempering then non-stick is not your friend. You need plain steel pans that can be scrubbed.

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 30/12/2018 01:15

Your point is a fair one - you let her cook before and she damaged something in your kitchen.

So you have a right to put your foot down, say "no" and tell your husband he's being unreasonable.

If she had been careful, so showed she respected your kitchen then my post would be different.

CardsforKittens · 30/12/2018 01:18

Am I right in thinking there's more to this than the cooking? Or maybe I just don't get it because I love it when other people cook for me - even better if they let me 'help' and I get to learn new recipes. And my MIL is a great cook. So I don't entirely see the problem.

Do you feel your MIL takes over in other ways? Can you acquire a couple of cheap pans for your MIL and hide your good pans?

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 30/12/2018 01:18

@Cherries101 but if the pan was unsuitable the MIL should have asked if there was a more suitable one instead of just using it.

People in my family and friendship group cook in each others kitchens but ask if they are unsure of pans, utensils etc. They know word gets around and they won't be allowed to if they damage something.

INeedanInterestingUsername · 30/12/2018 01:20

My MIL has done this. I just let her crack on. It's not worth the hassle tbh.

It sounds like your MIL misses having a large kitchen and the ability to cook a family meal. Indulge her. Let her bring her ingredients, cook, her/DH can clean up and you can have the night off.

Aridane · 30/12/2018 01:22

YABU and sort of denying your DH and children access to their (food) culture

knittedjest · 30/12/2018 01:26

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Cherries101 · 30/12/2018 01:28

@AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe - this assumes the mil speaks English well enough for OP to understand what pan to provide and the DP understands their kitchen enough to give her the right pan (assuming they even have the right pan).

Butterflycookie · 30/12/2018 01:31

Well when you think of it, your mil is your children’s grandmother. When my grandmother came to visit she always cooked or helped with the cooking. I’m not Indian but of a similar background. You should let her cook! Do you not like her food?

CoughLaughFart · 30/12/2018 01:32

this assumes the mil speaks English well enough for OP to understand what pan to provide

She speaks English well enough to tell the OP she wants to cook in her kitchen.

RestingButchFace · 30/12/2018 01:33

I am torn on this on one hand I can see how you find this insulting and intruding on the other after your update on her having a studio flat I am guessing she lives alone and maybe loves cooking and misses being able to cook for her family who have makes me feel for her a little bit.
Also if the food you cook is from a completely different culture maybe she is trying to ensure her gc get to know their heritage cuisine ( unless your DH regularly cooks that type of food as well)

She may well view it as an important part of your DC's upbringing and some cultures view cooking and feeding family as an act of love.
Do you see her often? She may well be doing it as an act of passive aggressiveness and I may be looking at it all wrong.

PersonaNonGarter · 30/12/2018 01:34

This is not about cooking or kitchens.

It is about love and space and family and history. It would drive me insane to have someone come and clutter my kitchen and ruin my pans BUT if you can find pans that you dont’t mind, I agree with previous posters that it would show huge maturity to allow her to cook. And yes, get her to put meals in the freezer.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/12/2018 01:37

I can see your point - but if she lives in a studio flat then maybe she looks forward to having a "real" kitchen to cook in as well.

Maybe tell her to bring her own pots if she insists on cooking, so she doesn't trash any more of yours?

I don't like other people using my kitchen stuff either, especially if they're likely to damage it - but luckily for me my MIL is quite local and not an issue.

WhatOnEarthDoIDoNow · 30/12/2018 01:39

You could invite her over and ask her to teach you how to cook some of her favourite dishes. That way she gets to cook and you get to monitor her to make sure she doesn’t burn or ruin anything while also bonding and showing her your making an effort (even if you don’t need to show her).

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