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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants to cook when she comes to visit- AIBU

203 replies

Advice79 · 30/12/2018 00:51

MIL always wants to cook when she comes to stay with us. I always make sure that there is food cooked when she arrives but she seldom eats it- we are from different cultures so the food isn’t what she is used to, but she doesn’t even try it. She says that she wants to cook for her son and her grandchildren, but my point is there is food already made which they would eat. Also the last time she cooked she burnt my favourite pot and it’s ruined!!! I don’t want her cooking in my kitchen- a part of me feels like she is trying to mark her territory in my home, and I really dont like it. I have said to hubby that If she wants to cook why can’t she cook at her house and bring it with her, but apparently this is not possible. He doesn’t see an issue. I am a homely person and my kitchen is important to me. Aibu?

OP posts:
Bluelady · 30/12/2018 10:46

Send her here, she'll be welcomed with open arms.

Chloe84 · 30/12/2018 10:53

@PrincessoftheCheeze

The key thing is it's not easy to cook a meal for 6 in a one room flat. She didn't burn the pot on purpose. I'm a good cook and I've fucked up pans. it happens. I certainly wouldn't charge my mil living in a little room to replace them.

But she manages to cook for herself just fine in her flat. She can cook it there and bring it over.

As Op said, there was zero acknowledgement or remorse for the burnt pot. This woman does not respect OP's home.

Grannyannex · 30/12/2018 10:54

The pan burning was just an accident. Very pedantic to hang on to the issue.

I’d let her cook. She clearly enjoys the experience. Can’t you make puddings?

Lindtnotlint · 30/12/2018 10:59

You can buy new pans. New families are a lot harder.

Let it go and let her cook.

cricketmum84 · 30/12/2018 11:03

Ah I knew the OP would be Indian heritage.

I think I was right when I said cultural issues. You are both from a culture where the feeding of the family is seen as an expression of love. I would guess that MIL coming in and cooking her traditional food feels a bit like she is trying to prove she can feed your DH and DC better than you, ergo she loves them more.

In the words of Frozen Let it gooooo. Let MIL express her love for the family when she is there. Then the other 6 days of the week you express how much you love them :)

Confusedbeetle · 30/12/2018 11:05

How sad is this! You are being territorial. If it gives her pleasure to have a decent sized kitchen please let her do it. It is not only about food but sometimes an expression of love to provide food for your family. Make sure she has what she needs (put away pans you don't want her to use)
Go into another room and leave her to it. Be grateful she wants to do this rather than sitting in a corner waiting for cups of tea. As MIL behaviours go this is brilliant. She would be so hurt if you stopped her. I am sure your husband would be too. This isnt 1950, the kitchen is not your territory. Be a nice warm DIL, there is a shortage on MN

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 30/12/2018 11:10

It doesn't matter how many of us would happily let someone else cook on out houses. The fact is OP doesn't want it. How many of us would tolerate someone else coming to our homes and doing something, doesn't matter what it is, that we dislike and just put up with it?
No one should have to in their own homes, irrespective of other people's cultural norms.
Yes it's her she's house too, but surely the 'rule' in relationships is that if one person feels really strongly about something, as a partner you try to accommodate it and respect their strength of feeling. Not least because this is happening in their own home.
I bet few women on here would like it if their mil came round and rearranged their furniture or went through their mail or their bedroom, just because they wanted to. It amounts to the same thing for the OP.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 30/12/2018 11:12

And I don't believe anyone should be forced to accept another person's expression of love. This doesn't feel loving to the OP - it feels rude.

HarrySnotter · 30/12/2018 11:20

It's nothing really to do with if other people think she should or shouldn't cook, if the OP feels uncomfortable with it then that's not OK.

My MIL used to always ask to do this and I relented once. She scratched my new induction hob (had been in for three weeks) and burned the new worktop. Never again.

SuchAToDo · 30/12/2018 11:21

Is it just one meal she wants to make when she visits and not every meal of each day of her stay?....if it's just a meal then let her...she's your husband's mother, and your kids mother, why can't she cook for them and share food from her culture with them just because you say no?..you sound a bit controlling...I assume the no cook rule applies to your own mother/relatives too?

Ilikegregwallace · 30/12/2018 11:23

Can you send her here? I'd love someone to cook for me, especially if I knew they loved it and had a limited kitchen at home. If she cleans, I might let her move in Grin

I'd be pissed about the pan but give her some slack, I doubt she did it on purpose.

You can look at this two ways, either she is 'pushing in' or that she is helping out. Sorry but if someone cooked for me I'd love it (as long as the food was good of course).

Twisique · 30/12/2018 11:25

Book a holiday cottage and she can cook all week, everyone is happy then!

nakedscientist · 30/12/2018 11:46

Be nice. Let her cook for you all. Embrace it and spread some kindness

Boswelland · 30/12/2018 11:57

Whilst I agree it's a bit rude of her to decline food from a host, and I completely understand the kitchen thing (I have anxiety and struggle a bit with people in my home and personal space) - I think it's obviously important to her. As others have said, it seems as though she misses cooking family meals.

My grandmother is an awful cook (seriously terrible), but we go to hers every week, stomach the food, and tell her how much we enjoy it. Purely because she lives alone and is a widow and we know she really misses having family around the table.

Personally, although I can see how irritating it must be, I'd grit my teeth and indulge her. Do you really want to risk hurting her feelings over the occasional meal?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/12/2018 11:57

@Babygrey7 - have you seen this before? Your colleagues would probably have agreed!

Frenchmom · 30/12/2018 12:38

I haven’t read all the posts, but understand the problem. My MIL is also of a different culture, though used to eating and cooking western food. I am a reasonable cook, but when she ate my food she would push it around her plate and cover it with hot sauce, which I found rude.
She would also want to cook when she
came to stay. I would ask her to cook a couple of meals and I would do the rest.
I would also be upset if I had cooked and she refused to eat it. Respect and courtesy work both ways.

WidoWanky · 30/12/2018 12:42

YADBVU. Nobody who uses the word 'hubby' can be taken seriously.

Sounds to me like she wants to cook. And that there is tension between the two of you. I would let her cook. Remove anything you are not happy her using. Then sit on another room. There are bigger things in life to get your knickers in a twist over.

Agree what meals she cooks. Agree a date for her to go home. Massive clean through when she has gone. As long as it is just a week, not 3 months, it should be doable!

MumW · 30/12/2018 12:52

Could you prempt to a certain extend by saying when you arrive, we will all have such and such. I know you love the chance to cook while you are here so would you like to cook Saturday and/or Sunday lunch? Let me know what you'll need so I can make sure we have it available.

Limensoda · 30/12/2018 13:34

If a man wants his mother’s cooking he should live with her and forget marriage. Tell her, and him, guests don’t cook in your house

I know,...how dare he want his mother's cooking!!
Everyone knows once a man is married he must stop loving his mother and treat her like the enemy. There's a new woman in his life!

RelativePitch · 30/12/2018 13:52

I would kick back and enjoy the help OP-burnt pans aside. Whenever my MIL plans her visits over to the UK (she is actually English, but lives abroad) I cheekily ask her to cook some of our favourites. She is an amazing cook. That said she's probably started a thread somewhere about a her CF DIL who demands that she cooks on her few precious visits to the UK!

Bluelady · 30/12/2018 14:11

I miss my mum's pastry, it makes me very sad that I'll never eat it again.

JillScarlet · 30/12/2018 14:24

“If a man wants his mother’s cooking he should live with her and forget marriage. “

Absolutely: any man’s relationship with a woman is defined by who feeds him! That is his wife’s job, and her kitchen is her stronghold. Meanwhile Elvis Presley is top of the charts and the Pre Ministet is Harold Macmillan.... Must dash, have to make Spam Salad and a tapioca pudding for tea.

Dieu · 30/12/2018 20:16

You are being precious and unreasonable.

willyloman · 31/12/2018 17:52

Somebody wants to do the cooking for a bit? Brilliant! Put your feet up and chill. Get your DH to do dishes. Have a luxurious bath. Read a book. This is my dream in law. Sadly mine have all passed.

TheGlitterFairy · 31/12/2018 17:52

I’m with you OP - I’ve been told many times (note “told”, not asked) that MIL will be cooking in my kitchen and each time it’s met with a firm “thanks but that’s not necessary” response. Agree with other posters of marking territories and is unnecessary. I’d stay firm with a polite thanks but no thanks if it makes you uncomfortable.