MIL wants to cook when she comes to visit- AIBU

[Advice79]

MIL always wants to cook when she comes to stay with us. I always make sure that there is food cooked when she arrives but she seldom eats it- we are from different cultures so the food isn’t what she is used to, but she doesn’t even try it. She says that she wants to cook for her son and her grandchildren, but my point is there is food already made which they would eat. Also the last time she cooked she burnt my favourite pot and it’s ruined!!! I don’t want her cooking in my kitchen- a part of me feels like she is trying to mark her territory in my home, and I really dont like it. I have said to hubby that If she wants to cook why can’t she cook at her house and bring it with her, but apparently this is not possible. He doesn’t see an issue. I am a homely person and my kitchen is important to me. Aibu?

If she enjoys cooking for others but can’t do it at home then letting her do so in your kitchen would be a kind thing to do. Just get some spare pots and pans that she can’t ruin for you. And make sure she and your DH don’t leave you with the cleaning up!

For me it would have a lot to do with her attitude. If she was rude about my cooking or implied my family were not being well fed, I’d be less accommodating.

I would be fine if my MIL cooked one or two meals during a visit, if agreed beforehand, but the fact that your MIL won’t even try your food is just plain rude

Gosh. I'd love this. She is trying to help out and is part of your family. Just lighten up and let her get on with it. So much mil bashing on here.

I think that the people suggesting that this is "helping" the OP are missing the point. The MIL here is clearly doing it to meet her OWN needs.

That said, I am torn. I would hate having my kitchen invaded like this, and a take-over from someone who refused to eat my food would be intolerable. At the same time, I do feel a bit sorry for a woman who wants to provide meals for her son and grandchildren, but is squeezed into a tiny studio flat. YANBU but if some compromise was possible it would be nice. It would help massively if her DS/your DH made an effort to understand the situation. He could talk to her and explain that if she wants to borrow your kitchen, she needs to start treating you and your cooking/home with respect.

YANBU

I think her wanting to cook something is one thing, but refusing to even try your food pushes it over the limit into rude territory. It's being culturally disrespectful by implying your food is not as good as hers, as well as dominating a bit of your house.

If she was graceful about trying your food, I'd say a bit of give and take was in order and I'd give her free rein, but she needs to acknowledge there are two cultural strands to your family and food culture goes to the heart of cultural belonging.

Does she act like this about other cultural touchpoints?

I don't understand how 'marking territory' is bad when a MIL does it, but perfectly fine for the OP to do by refusing allow her to? It's all just fighting over who gets to feed the family, and honestly, I can't see why anyone would begrudge sometime who can't cook at home and makes food that their husband likes?

As well as enjoying cooking for her family, she probably enjoys getting the opportunity to cook in a bigger kitchen as she lives in a studio flat. I wouldn't begrudge her that. Make the most of having someone who wants to cook for you all.

My husband is a different culture from me and his family was secretive with their recipes. I wanted to learn how to cook his favorite dishes and was given recipes with missing or changed ingredients.

You're right that she's a pest. I would be furious about a ruined pot. And her refusal to eat your food is insulting.

However. Eventually she got too old to cook and i became the family holiday cook. In the end (30 years), she appreciated my ability and tenacity to learn their foods bc i am the only family member who carried on their traditions AND i prepared her holiday meals for nearly a decade.

She passed away 2 months ago and my husband thanked me for being kind and patient to his mother.

My bil said that after the last time i saw her (in hospital) she said, "i like cat now." i wish she had decided that about 29 years earlier.

get dh to buy her a wok & large saucepan & tawa/griddle (flat fry pan used for chapatis) from local Asian/Indian shop -hide your best/precious ones! actually you take her there & try to be a bit more diplomatic? My mil pickles were to die for & she showed my dc how to make chapatis (me too!) - (Asian sweets ras malai - mil's bitter gourd, ladyfinger/bhindi - mouth waters....) :) look she just wants to cook a little love - its not a criticism of you & she probably finds British food a little tasteless & isn't sure what's in it, maybe?

Oops. Sounds like your mil is my mil. Sorry.

Also, my dh cooks as often as i do. I still liked my mother's cooking better sometimes. Why wouldn't he? My dd and ds are good cooks too. That is not entirely true about always needing to prefer wife's cooking.

I honestly cant cook eggs properly. He would be stupid to prefer mine.

Our dc each cook some things better.

Life isn't a competition. Try not to go there.

I would be absolutely delighted if my MiL (or any other relation of mine or DH actually) would come to our house and cook for us, what a great idea. I strongly suspect that you have also damaged a saucepan or two in your time!

It sounds as though she isn’t about very much, it’s her way of expressing love, so let her get on with it, get her to do some extra food for the freezer, get her a saucepan she can use, and RELAX! 😊✅

@ordinarysnowflake
What you said.....
I agree that OPs MIL is being pretty rude when in actuality her African cooking uses many of the same ingredients as the OPs cookery. Never would I ever go to someone’s house and refuse to even try the food already prepared.
Very rude and petty.
I wouldn’t be at all arsed if she wanted to use the kitchen though. In our house, if you want to cook - have at it!

Mine won t eat our food either. She brings a bag of salad and a bottle of wine for herself. (Her stomach will loudly growl and growl all day. Then she has her bag of salad with her bottle.of wine - one bottle per night, every night. I asked her the first time what about dinner and she pointed to her bag of salad and said this is it. I need to leave space for this, pointing to bottle of wine).

There's a kitchen in our house. It's not MY kitchen. It's there for whoever wants to cook or wash up or whatever.
I would hate anyone to think it's my territory. YUK!

This is how she wants to show love to her family. I don't get why you are being so stubborn. Dh's dad likes to cook for us. He's not a great cook but he loves to do it and it brings him joy. It's ok to let people do things that make them happy. Reading some of these responses just seem so selfish. Yes, it would make her mil happy. What is the harm in that? It's really awful how some people view their mils as competition. Her son lives with you, her grandkids lives with you. The woman just wants to share her food and show her love. Be the bigger person. She won't be around forever. I think it's nice your dh wants her to cook. She raised him after all.

She needs to bugger off. It's your home; if you're not happy with it, it doesn't happen.

Put your feet up and let her cook.
Be nice and remember this the food that your DH grew up on - he'd probably love it.
Enjoy

Hey OP, I wouldn't let my MIL cook in our kitchen either. Too much drama, too much mess. She likes to try and take over when she's here. All about territory with her. Examples include rearranging my cupboards, fridge crockery etc! Say no, stay strong. She CAN cook and bring food over. Your MIL is trying to get one up on you.

I have some sympathy with you OP. And it is exceptionally rude for your MIL not to eat your food. She should. Having said all that I think it would be a great kindness to her and your DH and DC to let her cook them some meals in your kitchen. You have so little to lose by it and they have much to gain. My MIL won’t even make toast in my kitchen. I have prepared all holiday family meals for the past 15+ years. Even the odd Christmas we have travelled over to hers (another country but not too far away), I have arrived there to discover I am doing the cooking 😫. I work full time and my MIL has never worked the whole time I’ve known her. I would love if my MIL could cook and would do so occasionally. If she could manage to prepare even the simplest of meals that would be great.

Buy her a set of pots for Christmas, and let her cook at yours from time to time.

I could have written your post OP, last time my in-laws came to stay they refused to eat anything I cooked, including bringing their own sandwiches on the day they arrived. I've joked about doing the same when we go to visit them but I just can't imagine doing anything that rude! They stay for at least a couple of weeks at a time so it's not just 'cooking one meal' that other pp's have said, it's a lot of meals! I think it's a territorial power play type thing although probably subconscious as DH's family are a bit over enmeshed. TBH it used to bother me a lot more before having DCs and I did find it a bit insulting / feel my house was being taken over, but now I'm glad I don't have to do extra cooking for them when they visit!!

I would say let her cook
Really - step back - watch some TV and chill
How often is this ??

Also maybe she can’t cook at home so it’s her only chance ?

Id be pretty happy with it. Tho i dont like cooking, just eating