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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants to cook when she comes to visit- AIBU

203 replies

Advice79 · 30/12/2018 00:51

MIL always wants to cook when she comes to stay with us. I always make sure that there is food cooked when she arrives but she seldom eats it- we are from different cultures so the food isn’t what she is used to, but she doesn’t even try it. She says that she wants to cook for her son and her grandchildren, but my point is there is food already made which they would eat. Also the last time she cooked she burnt my favourite pot and it’s ruined!!! I don’t want her cooking in my kitchen- a part of me feels like she is trying to mark her territory in my home, and I really dont like it. I have said to hubby that If she wants to cook why can’t she cook at her house and bring it with her, but apparently this is not possible. He doesn’t see an issue. I am a homely person and my kitchen is important to me. Aibu?

OP posts:
Nenic · 30/12/2018 09:28

You are overreacting massively.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 30/12/2018 09:33

All very well for people to say it's not just the OP's kitchen, but it certainly isn't mil's!
I don't see why the OP has to prioritize the mil's culture either - in the OP's culture it is normal for the host to provide food and the guest to stay out of the kitchen unless invited.
If the husband misses his mother's food so much, maybe he should learn to cook it. Wouldn't hurt if he prepped something that mil's would willingly eat, either.
Whilst I would happily let my mum/mil cook (and clear up) in my kitchen, the OP doesn't like it and shouldn't have to put up with it. And if she agrees, for the sake of being nice, mil needs to clear up, not wreck things and the h needs to get his srse in the kitchen and ensure this is the case.

Biancadelriosback · 30/12/2018 09:33

Your MIL needs to respect your home and your twat husband needs to support you

How is the DH a twat for not agreeing with his rather precious sounding DW?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 30/12/2018 09:36

Because he is allowing his wife to be disrespected in her own home.

formerbabe · 30/12/2018 09:38

Let her cook.

It sounds like it would mean a lot to her.

AlsoBling2 · 30/12/2018 09:44

I find this whole thing bizarre. Maybe it's cultural. I am not English and when family visit from far away helping in kitchen in some way is considered normal and expected. Ddad tends to lean towards tidying up etc, mum used to cook, MIL gets takeaway in.

A few years ago pre dc when I was working crazy hours a friend and her husband and baby came to stay for a week as they were attending an event locally. I came home one evening to be handed a glass of ice cold wine, dinner purchased and prepared and the lawn mowed!!! Was pathetically grateful and simply saw it as my friend and her dh trying to mitigate the inconvenience of them staying with us with a small baby.

Let her cook for Pete's sake. Enjoy the food and experience.

kaytee87 · 30/12/2018 09:51

Just let her cook. What's the big deal?
Mil and I both help in each other's kitchen, actually she cooks more for us as she's a brilliant cook.

gimmeadoughnut123 · 30/12/2018 09:55

YABU

It's your DHs kitchen too. If he wants to have his Mum's meals, let him. Unless she visits once a week and it is a regular thing, then what is the issue. Just ask her not to burn your pans like before.

HalfGreekBitch · 30/12/2018 10:01

I have been exactly where you are and you describe everything i felt (apart from burnt pot) i used to put obstacles in the way of her even visiting. My exh said i should watch and learn! As sexist as that comment is, with the benefit of hindsight I should’ve been the bigger person for the sake of her. Don’t know why i felt threatened but I did. She would tell my exh that he wasn’t master in his own home and I bit and really let it wind me up. Sorry, not able to help advice-wise because it’s very difficult to put those feelings aside when it really annoys you. On balance, I would go with it and save any battles for someone like interfering with how you raise your children, which we had too but exh did back me up on that. Good luck!

Palaver1 · 30/12/2018 10:04

If it’s African yes sometimes the smells are freaking strong ie locust beans and dried fish.The smell can be overpowering especially if you don’t have windows to open whilst cooking.
I have to be honest quite a lot of people who come here for what ever reasons really miss their homelands..you can’t understand if your not in that situation.
Of course she won’t replace your pot it’s unheard off and please don’t expect her too.
It’s a good thing for her to cook for her son and grandchildren .I personally know of a family friend who used to drop by as his wife could not make the meals.I used to worry for her when he would stay for hours after ..cos I knew he should be home and used to tell my soon to be ex to let him leave in time.
If she’s making starchy food that stick the only pans that work for this are Teflon pans which are then soaked in water.The burning in quote is a by product of making sure the meal is cooked properly.
I feel quite sorry if she’s not able to cook the authentic food at home due to her neighbors complaints.
Her cooking for herself would not be the authentic way .
OP please don’t look too deeply into this issue.
As I said earlier though your kitchen,your pots ,your family.

shitholiday2018 · 30/12/2018 10:05

Yep it sounds like she’s metaphorixally weeing all the way round the centre of your house. I love it when people bring food but this sounds different. I’d ask husband to sort it out and knock it on the head. If he won’t then you’ll need to insist that in your home it’s your rules. Hard but necessary. If she’s ballsy enough to do this, she can take some straight talk.

DickTurpinsHat · 30/12/2018 10:15

If you're British and cooking bland, British food and she's say Asian, then of course she's going to want to cook. Hell if you don't not want her in your kitchen then send her to mine, she can have free reign.

My ex mil is Asian, both her and my sil's would come and take over my kitchen but I made the effort to learn to cook some traditional dishes too.

JillScarlet · 30/12/2018 10:16

“Your house, your rules.”
Shared house with DH, so he gets 50% say.

He cooks too, so it isn’t even as if only the OP has the kitchen.

Have a think about why you resist this so strongly, and let her get on with it.

When DH’s family stay and cook I put away certain favourite knives and other items that I have bonded with and /or know tne sort of (mid) use they will be subject to.

And, they are good cooks, make great food from a cuisine I am not skilled in, everyone happy.

Don’t be so rigid in your hosting.

cricketballs3 · 30/12/2018 10:16

if he won’t then you’ll need to insist that in your home it’s your rules

Isn't it also his home?

BlimeyCalmDown · 30/12/2018 10:22

@knittedjest
"Pathetic. You must live a very boring life to get so offended at somebody offering to make you a meal. Seriously, get a hobby."

How rude and offensive to the OP you are, very unnecessary.

Limensoda · 30/12/2018 10:24

How insecure are you to think she wants to 'mark her territory' ?
You feel threatened by her. What on earth do you think will happen to you if she cooks in your kitchen?
I've cooked in my DIL's kitchen many times. She doesn't feel threatened.

HoppingPavlova · 30/12/2018 10:26

Personally, I would have Jack the Ripper come to stay for as long as he wanted if he volunteered to cook for us Grin.

OrdinarySnowflake · 30/12/2018 10:26

Wow, those commenting that the OP is probably cooking bland British food - a) she says she's not, mainly Aisan, and b) so that makes it ok to reject it?! You honestly would think it's ok to go into someone's home who's cooked you a meal you can eat (fine with your allergies/religious or moral requirements, is made with igredients you like and isn't so spicy you will feel unwell eating it), but is not exactly to your taste, so you can just refuse to eat it and go in their kitchen to make something "better"?!

Can you not all see that would be incredibly rude and offensive to the OP?

Sorry OP - your MIL has no class at all. How can anyone think that being so rude to your DIL is acceptable? You say "thank you." when someone cooks for you.

The MIL is putting the OP in her place and trying to be the 'Mum' of the family, not the gran when she visits. If her DH is ok with it, it's probably because he's been raised to think being incredibly rude to someone is acceptable.

My MIL is a far superior cook to me. She is always polite when I cook for her. She has copied out her best recipes when I have asked for them/complimented her cooking. But she's never been rude.

The OP's MIL is being very very rude. It might be nice to have someone cook for your family, but not if it comes with a clear statement that they are doing it because your food (and your culture) is inferior and an unacceptable way for the DH and DCs to eat.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/12/2018 10:27

OP, I am on your side. No woman would be cooking in my kitchen. If a man wants his mother’s cooking he should live with her and forget marriage. Tell her, and him, guests don’t cook in your house

What a nightmare you sound GrandmaJane so domineering and rigid.

TheRedFox · 30/12/2018 10:28

Perhaps you could turn this to your advantage by letting her prep, cook and wash up whilst you put your feet up?

I can understand that the situation with the pots would have been annoying so perhaps buy some cheap pots that you won't mind getting damaged?

Palaver1 · 30/12/2018 10:29

Another thing OP tread carefully on this matter.
Your husband is being very understanding.Dont get carried away especially with all the advice ie your husbands a twat etc .His not supporting you etc.
This is your home, our cultures are different embrace the good and the bad.
Little things like this can make or break a family trust me on this.its not worth it

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 30/12/2018 10:30

Christ, let the woman cook. If she lives in a studio flat, it’s probably a real treat to cook in a bigger kitchen.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 30/12/2018 10:40

Have your bring her her own pots/pans over to cook in and let her cook. Tell your DH he's on clean up duty.

Honestly. It wouldn't kill you to let her have a little cooking joy in a proper kitchen to cook for the man she raised and her grandchildren once in a while.

Orchiddingme · 30/12/2018 10:43

My MIL brings her home-cooked food and cooks in my house because she perceives that as helping us out and feels guilty she can only do it once a year instead of helping all the time which in her culture would be the norm for MIL. I accept all this help gratefully although she is not actually a great cook!

BlueJava · 30/12/2018 10:44

I'd let her crack on and make a few things for the freezer too. Just plan in a couple of days where you have no food in so nothing goes to waste. My MIL also likes to cook apparently, and wanted to bake some cakes as I don't bake much... "and children so love home baking don't they". I have taken full advantage of her whilst doing some study on a course I'm enrolled in.