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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants to cook when she comes to visit- AIBU

203 replies

Advice79 · 30/12/2018 00:51

MIL always wants to cook when she comes to stay with us. I always make sure that there is food cooked when she arrives but she seldom eats it- we are from different cultures so the food isn’t what she is used to, but she doesn’t even try it. She says that she wants to cook for her son and her grandchildren, but my point is there is food already made which they would eat. Also the last time she cooked she burnt my favourite pot and it’s ruined!!! I don’t want her cooking in my kitchen- a part of me feels like she is trying to mark her territory in my home, and I really dont like it. I have said to hubby that If she wants to cook why can’t she cook at her house and bring it with her, but apparently this is not possible. He doesn’t see an issue. I am a homely person and my kitchen is important to me. Aibu?

OP posts:
JessieMcJessie · 30/12/2018 01:42

Let it go. Enjoy the food and the rest and appreciate that she is healthy enough to cook, she’ll get really old and you’ll pine for the days when she was safe to be left in a kitchen. It comes from a place of love. Pans can be replaced.

mathanxiety · 30/12/2018 01:53

I think it would be kind to let her cook. Buy some dedicated pans. Ask her what sort she might need.

Maybe ask her for a few lessons so you can reproduce some of her recipes? It would be a pity if the children were to lose touch with this part of their heritage.

LiquoricePickle · 30/12/2018 01:54

Does your husband want her to cook? Do you like the food she cooks?

jessstan2 · 30/12/2018 02:06

If I was in the op's position, I wouldn't mind at all. Nice for her to cook for you all and she obviously enjoys doing it. As others have suggested, designate some pots and pans to her which you won't mind being burned - however, I'm sure she doesn't make a habit of ruining your utensils.

I think you can put up with it as it isn't every day. Put your feet up!

chatwoo · 30/12/2018 02:18

YABU. Your mother in law clearly wants to share her love (aka cooking skills) with her family. If she can't cook for you all in her small apartment, presumably your house is the only place it can be done for the larger group.

If you have precious cookware, hide it away. Or tell your MIL that she is welcome to bring her own favourite pans!

ragged · 30/12/2018 02:19

Ah, I'm a bit like the MIL. Only I'm the step-DD who wants to cook when step-mum dislikes it a lot. Step-mum never cooks anything. It distresses her a lot when someone cooks something.

Hope you sort something out, OP. I have extensive plans to never visit my relatives again.

Onecutefox · 30/12/2018 02:30

Wish my MIL would cook something for herself or her son when visiting us. No, I don't mind cooking for more people but it's so annoying when I need to take care of two small children, a husband who can't cook and a MIL. When PIL is here he cooks for himself and MIL and also sometimes for us. I like it when both of them visiting so PIL could take care of MIL as she can't even cook an egg in our presence at least.

junebirthdaygirl · 30/12/2018 02:47

My friend has a mil from another culture. Every time she visits from abroad she does all the cooking. Before she comes there is an air of great excitement amount the children as gm is coming and the food will be wonderful. It opens their whole lives up to their dads culture and they kove it. My friend keeos an impeccable kitchen so it can't be easy but its a tradition that enhances a lot of lives.
Let her on with it. I would love it as a break from cooking would be a Godsend.

Purpleartichoke · 30/12/2018 04:32

My mom was not a great cook, but she had a few things she did really well. She is gone now and making them myself just isn’t the same. I nearly had a panic attack when I thought I had lost the only copy of one of her recipes. Food has memory and meaning well beyond sustenance.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/12/2018 04:52

I am a homely person and my kitchen is important to me

Give over woman! How often are we talking? Is the food nice? If DH and DC enjoy the food, she cleans up after herself and replaces the damaged pot, I wouldn't have a face on over this personally.

It's not just your kitchen.

Mischiefinthewind · 30/12/2018 04:56

For some people, cooking and feeding their family is how they express their love. It matters to them hugely. So I’d let her cook.

HeronLanyon · 30/12/2018 04:56

junebirthdaygirl agree fully. Op I do understand it’s annoying when pans are ruined. My ma once ruined - well kind of ruined - a brand new le creusset casserole in one session of vidorous metal fork stirring/scraping. My request (no doubt my anger showed) that she use wooden or silicone utensil led to quite a stubborn stand off. I have her a new le c a few years ago which she kept as new despite much use Grin

StoppinBy · 30/12/2018 04:57

I would be happy to let her cook as long as you haven't already done the cooking. Making extra food when you have made enough is rude.

Discuss it before she comes in an open and non confrontational way, then if she wants to cook, let her have at it while you kick your feet up and relax or help her out, whatever suits you.

StoppinBy · 30/12/2018 04:58

I also agree with PP that some people show their love in ways such as cooking for their family, I do this as does my MIL so I get that aspect and my opinion is based on that.

Mischiefinthewind · 30/12/2018 04:58

Oh, and when your children start learning how to cook, it’s worth buying cheap pans for the teenage, unsupervised years!

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/12/2018 05:33

Can’t you imagine her AIBU?

“I am from a different culture from my dil as is my ds. I love visiting my son, her and the gcs. The only thing is I really don’t like her cooking so I tend to go hungry when I’m there. It would give me such pleasure to cook a meal for the family and remind the children of their cultural roots but she won’t let me cook anything because it is her kitchen. AIBU to feel upset?

I get you, I really do. But I also get how she feels. Buy some cheap pans more suitable to her needs or ask her to bring her own.

GrandmaJane · 30/12/2018 05:39

OP, I am on your side. No woman would be cooking in my kitchen. If a man wants his mother’s cooking he should live with her and forget marriage. Tell her, and him, guests don’t cook in your house.

chardonm · 30/12/2018 06:05

I think it depends how often mil visits. I would be ok with this maybe once a month. Having my kitchen used by someone else every week, no.

Also depends whether kitchen is left clean afterwards or not.

OP, please clarify.

WetPaint4 · 30/12/2018 06:26

If someone was visiting my family and tried to tell me they really didn't like my cooking so they were ignoring what I'd cooked and cooking something different for the family, I'd find it incredibly rude. So hopefully the mother in law doesn't try that flipped AIBU.

OP you need to decide what the real issue is for you. If your MIL is only cooking to avoid your cooking, that's not really on. She wants to visit, she should embrace your culture too and at least try the food. Or, if it's really just about her not liking the food, get your husband to cook so she doesn't feel she has to look after herself. If she just wants to cook a meal for the family, be gracious and set her up with all the equipment she needs and you have a break every now and then. p

Whatjusthappenedthere · 30/12/2018 06:27

My sil is from Jakarta. When she first visited our house she turned up with 2 full bags of shopping she just did on the way over ... my brother just laughed and said there was no stopping her. She then set about cooking for all of us a traditional Indo banquet. I admit I was a bit put out at first ( as I had the obligatory lasagna and garlic bread all ready to go ) but she produced the amazing meal, my kids still talk about her crispy chicken wing 5 years later.
The point is, this is her culture and nothing to do with trying userp anyone. Back home , she would never dream of visiting family and not do the same.
If your mil lives in a studio it may be the only chance she gets to mother her family with love in the form of food. Try and be kind and step back. You may well end up with some really good memories.

Mayrhofen · 30/12/2018 06:39

I would let her cook. But I wouldnt try it. See how offended she feels then when you sit down to your shepherds pie.

I actually think she is marking her territory too, otherwise why would she always refuse your food? That’s just rude.

MarcieBluebell · 30/12/2018 06:39

I think it makes a change of the threads about mil expected to be cooked for.

Let her cook. I love someone to come round and get stuck in. When I have friends stay my house is their house. They cook if they want to.

MarcieBluebell · 30/12/2018 06:42

otherwise why would she always refuse your food? That’s just rude.

If she refused your food and expected you to cook something else then fair enough but she is cooking herself. I think it's probably more than just her cooking?

swingofthings · 30/12/2018 06:44

Been there with both my Step Mother and sister in law. Worse was when SIL insisted, backed up by her mother that she cooked a main dinner in my brand new kitchen.

I get what you mean by feeling you kitchen is taken over, but it's really not worth the fight. I got to understand that some people get a sense of worth from cooking to others and getting the appreciation and compliment that comes from it.

It's only once or twice a year and what I can do for them is to let them get this satisfaction on these occasions and I have found that doing the same and giving them compliments has made them more appreciative of me too, so win-win situation.

Chottie · 30/12/2018 06:47

I would not have a problem actually. I would ask for a list of ingredients, or going shopping with you.

Have you and your DC thought about cooking with your MiL to learn new recipes? It is also an opportunity for your DCs learning more about their culture and family roots.

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