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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants to cook when she comes to visit- AIBU

203 replies

Advice79 · 30/12/2018 00:51

MIL always wants to cook when she comes to stay with us. I always make sure that there is food cooked when she arrives but she seldom eats it- we are from different cultures so the food isn’t what she is used to, but she doesn’t even try it. She says that she wants to cook for her son and her grandchildren, but my point is there is food already made which they would eat. Also the last time she cooked she burnt my favourite pot and it’s ruined!!! I don’t want her cooking in my kitchen- a part of me feels like she is trying to mark her territory in my home, and I really dont like it. I have said to hubby that If she wants to cook why can’t she cook at her house and bring it with her, but apparently this is not possible. He doesn’t see an issue. I am a homely person and my kitchen is important to me. Aibu?

OP posts:
Chottie · 30/12/2018 06:47

Her not you!

TheSandgroper · 30/12/2018 06:47

I am a bit with mil here. I have turned into one of those people who is tricky to cook for, sadly. So, when mil comes to me which is only every few years, I cook.

When I go to her place, about once every 5 years, I take my apron and favourite chefs knife and take over the kitchen. I don’t think I ever asked, now I think about it. It helps that I do love cooking and mil doesn’t, really, and that she is happy to just sit and have dinner served.

But, don’t forget, cooking and sharing kitchen time is almost the ultimate expression of love. Get pots you are happy for her to use and get in there with her and share the love.

DrunkUnicorn · 30/12/2018 07:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoomBoomsCousin · 30/12/2018 07:35

I understand being a bit territorial over a kitchen, especially since she's actually ruined a favourite pan. But I also think you are probably misinterpreting her actions as aggressive when they are probably more about trying to find a way to not let her food fussiness be a burden, to feel useful. and to express her love for her son (and maybe even you too).

You can kick up a fuss about it, it's your home. But I think you'd be pretty short-sighted and a bit petty to not just suck it up.

Amanduh · 30/12/2018 07:37

Ffs she wants to cook in your kitchen and you want to stop her? Get a grip.

LuckyAmy1986 · 30/12/2018 07:41

YABU I think you should let her, feels really mean otherwise. Although point out to your DH that he can clean/replace anything that needs it. This is presuming she doesn’t visit much though. If it’s weekly or something then maybe not!

Bittermints · 30/12/2018 07:45

Interesting that so many are assuming it's the MIL whose culinary tradition is from outside the UK. Could easily be the other way around.

Huntawaymama · 30/12/2018 07:46

Going against the grain here but I'd be saying no. I love cooking, I'm a good cook and there's no reason why someone shouldn't eat my food. I'm very territorial over my kitchen and would hate for someone to make a mess. Does she clear up after herself? I think I'm largely territorial due to how much mess my husband manages to make and leave when making a fry up

Maybe consider finding recipes she'd like and make them but I'd be saying " you don't need to stress yourself we want you to relax while you're here"

DailyMailFuckRightOff · 30/12/2018 07:51

Hmmm. My MIL drives me mad but when she comes I let her cook to her heart’s content. It’s her ‘thing’ and I’ve come to recognise that she already feels out of place and lacking routine when she leaves home to visit.
If I were an amazing cook I’d feel differently.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 30/12/2018 07:58

I'm on the fence on this. I am very territorial in my kitchen too, I can cook perfectly well and enjoy it. I suspect she just really dislikes British food and finds it very bland. If she's from the Indian subcontinent for example, she'll be used to very spicy pungent food as the norm and she probably feels sorry for her son having to survive on a what, to her, is tasteless pap. Maybe her son has secretly said that he really misses food from his own culture but doesn't want to tell you in case it hurts your feelings.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 30/12/2018 07:59

Bittermints that's a good point, but my argument would still apply. If it was a British MIL struggling to cope with her DIL's constant spicy curries and knew her son craved some mashed potato!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/12/2018 08:04

You’re being massively precious. Buy some suitable pans and alternate the cooking when she visits.

Anniegetyourgun · 30/12/2018 08:07

KirstyAllsopp like this?

redcaryellowcar · 30/12/2018 08:12

I like cooking for friends and have been known to take ingredients to their houses (with their permission) and cook for them, particularly if they had young children or babies? I agree though, my mil taking over my kitchen would make me feel odd, but maybe try to see her motivation in this? I doubt it's because your food isn't lovely, just that she wants to share something of her culture with you? Maybe pop to supermarket and buy a cheap set of pans which you could just whip out when she cooks for you?

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 30/12/2018 08:13

Yes, exactly! Grin

I love Indian and Chinese food but I couldn't eat it day in, day out. relatively bland English though, I could. I imagine it's the same for people of all cultures and nationalities.

I used to have an elderly Pakistani neighbour who moaned that everything his Filipino wife cooked tasted exactly the same!

Lightlover2018 · 30/12/2018 08:14

I would love my MIL to cook in my kitchen. The more meals she makes, the fewer I have to.

CupoBlood · 30/12/2018 08:15

Would your mother be allowed to cook in your kitchen?

CripsSandwiches · 30/12/2018 08:16

I would let her cook, it sounds like it's important to her and it's the only chance she gets. Just put away any expensive kitchen ware if you're worried.

Palaver1 · 30/12/2018 08:16

It’s a kitchen a kitchen is for cooking all this my kitchen is precious ....
We can’t have it both ways when you marry into a different culture you really have to try your best to embrace the good as well as the bad which in your case is the cooking in your kitchen.
Food here is quite bland and for an elderly lady ,,might really be extra bland .
What’s so wrong in her cooking ,off course she can cook her food better than you could attempt ,if you cared to try.
Her son must love her cooking .I do so love my mums although I did notice when she was with us last she hardly went into the kitchen to cook and ate my bland cooking..instead ,she’s getting on in age.
The kitchen is the hub of the home it’s there to be used let the children help tidy up .Yep the pot must be annoying but request your husband gets another if it upsets you so much.
Do what you please ..your kitchen your pots,your family

guiltynetter · 30/12/2018 08:18

YABU. I don't see the big deal. I'd love somebody to make me food from.their culture and she clearly just wants to cook for her son. she is happy and you get a free meal. pick your battles.

LadyRenoir · 30/12/2018 08:19

I would say no if it bothers you. I dont like when people boss themselves around my kitchen. Do you like her food? If not, just tell her you don;t want it, or just eat your own and have your kids eat your food, and she can eat whatever she prepared. Or ask her to bring her own pots.

LadyRenoir · 30/12/2018 08:21

@guiltynetter - I know this issue as dealt with it in a different form, and it's also about snubbing the OPs food. If it's about appreciation of the cultures, then it surely should work both ways, not totally ignoring OPs food and forcing everyone else to eat her own. It's rude not to try and expect everyone to change their taste just because you can only be bothered eating food from your culture.

Yabbers · 30/12/2018 08:27

Let her cook FFS.

Her home has a tiny area for cooking. She loves to cook, maybe she misses doing it. She burned a pan. Buy a new one, hardly the crime of the century. She doesn’t like your food, if you like hers then let her cook.

Even if she is “marking her territory” (whatever the hell that means) so what? You’re happy for her to cook for an entire family in a tiny studio kitchen then schlep it all to your house, but you don’t want her cooking in your kitchen?

Lighten up. Let her cook. This sounds like such a non issue.

Aridane · 30/12/2018 08:28

OP, I am on your side. No woman would be cooking in my kitchen. If a man wants his mother’s cooking he should live with her and forget marriage. Tell her, and him, guests don’t cook in your house.

How sad

Eyewhisker · 30/12/2018 08:29

Cooking for her grandkids is an act of love. It’s not territorial but getting them to share in her culture. When my MIL visited to look after the kids, I had left food with instructions as to what they liked. I came home as she’d ignored it and went shopping and bought something else. It was a bit annoying, but now it’s a relief not to have to always think about dinner when she’s here, the kids love her cooking and it has introduced them to new foods.