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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants to cook when she comes to visit- AIBU

203 replies

Advice79 · 30/12/2018 00:51

MIL always wants to cook when she comes to stay with us. I always make sure that there is food cooked when she arrives but she seldom eats it- we are from different cultures so the food isn’t what she is used to, but she doesn’t even try it. She says that she wants to cook for her son and her grandchildren, but my point is there is food already made which they would eat. Also the last time she cooked she burnt my favourite pot and it’s ruined!!! I don’t want her cooking in my kitchen- a part of me feels like she is trying to mark her territory in my home, and I really dont like it. I have said to hubby that If she wants to cook why can’t she cook at her house and bring it with her, but apparently this is not possible. He doesn’t see an issue. I am a homely person and my kitchen is important to me. Aibu?

OP posts:
JanaXX · 31/12/2018 21:02

YABU tbh. You say she is from a different culture. She might be wanting to feed her grandkids her own food- it’s a chance for them to learn about their heritage. Also, maybe your husband is secretly hankering after some childhood favourites. Ask him to buy you a new pot as a present and hide the valuable kitchen equipment. Other than that be kind to her and allow your kids to learn more about their heritage. Personally I would be glad someone else is cooking!

eulmh · 31/12/2018 22:01

Nope she shouldn’t be cooking in your home!

Onecutefox · 31/12/2018 23:56

Unless there is a competition between the MIL and the DIL as who is better at cooking then I don't see a problem. Be glad she can make some food and doesn't sit and wait to be fed.

Neem · 01/01/2019 03:17

I come from a culture where cooking for others and distributing food is an expression of love. Don’t feel threatened by it. If there’s no back story, perhaps show an interest in her cooking and her culture to make her feel more involved.

Kathandkim1 · 01/01/2019 08:22

mumsastudent have you actually read anything beyond the first post? The OP is of Asian descent so I'm pretty sure she doesn't require any "mansplaining" of foods and pans from her own culture?! Well done for all your assumptions though 🙄

NancyJoan · 01/01/2019 08:38

Telling that she wants to cook for her son and grandchildren, not all of you. I would feel the same, OP.

newyearnamechange · 01/01/2019 08:47

I actually think this is lovely. She is visiting you and coming to you and wanting to cook for you all, that's maximum effort and that sounds lovley on her part.

I have a spinal cord injury and my parents live about 4 minutes away. They don't visit us at all point blank out of laziness and always expect us to go to them (massively difficult for me) and if they did visit, fuck would they cook.

I would see it as a kind gesture and nothing more. If she burns a pan she burns a pan. She's family. If you burnt a pan at her place you wouldn't want it held against you.
It sounds more like you're marking your territory than the other way round by being so rigid about her not cooking. If you were more relaxed and appreciated the effort she's making you might get along better.

TheLittleDogLaughed · 01/01/2019 09:08

Refusing to try your food in rude and unnecessary - your dh should say something about that to her.

However if it’s not often that she cooks and the food is good, I’d ho for it. When I was with my ex his German mum used to insist on cooking everything but the trouble was that ber cooking was horrendous! Really horrible greasy casseroles with soggy veg or half-cooleddumplings. She once gave us all food poisoning but denied it. In the end I had to lie and say we were all turned vegetarian as I couldn’t face getting ill again. She was disgusted by this but had to back off.

TheLittleDogLaughed · 01/01/2019 09:09

Half-cooled dumplings sound quite nice but hers were half-cooked.

JamAtkins · 01/01/2019 09:25

I had no idea that territorial kitchens and spite cooking were such a ‘thing’. If DH said my mother wasn’t allowed to cook in our house I’d tell him to fuck right off

Twillow · 01/01/2019 09:40

I do get where you're coming from, both territorially and ethnically. I struggled with relatives by marriage from a different culture who would loudly (but generally not offensively, though I did sometimes take offence anyway Blush comment on my food. Some of them just wouldn't eat it at all. I wouldn't have dreamed of going on about how spicy/greasy the food was at their homes and just got it down as much as I could pretending to like it (and some of it was lovely!)
With my mil cooking together was a way to communicate through the language barrier, and with her skills in catering daily for large numbers it was much easier for her than me to cook when we had gatherings at mine and I appreciated it on the whole, although bit my tongue at some things. I did once flip out when I'd made a curry to what I thought was perfection and she topped it up with a gallon of water and boiled it for another hour so the house was filled with smelly steam!!

Aridane · 01/01/2019 10:12

How very dare DH let his DM cook in the family kitchen?

LTB!

Madrilena81 · 01/01/2019 10:35

I actually have the same problem, but mil doesn't insist on cooking to share her culture and give pleasure to her son, it's because she has major food control issues
(Some kind of OCD where she can only eat 3 types of food and won't eat out etc) so she cooks when she comes to stay. I find it a little insulting she expects me to try her food but won't try mine but have come to accept its the way she is and I just let her get on with it. It's not just food either, she brings her own towels as she couldn't possibly use our (very fluffy and somewhat expensive) guest towels. It bugs me but not worth the agro of insisting. I completely understand you, OP, but would advise letting it go to keep the peace. As a PP said, choose your battles.

Fairyhill · 01/01/2019 12:16

Maybe as her place is so small and she can’t cook for you when you visit she feels she should cook when she visits you .. if she’s used to having cooked for her family over the years it must be hard for her to let that go .., my friends aunty woukd cook anytime she visited - great big vats of food .. for just a few people .. we were always asked round for dinner to help out .. they let her because they knew it meant a lot to her and helped her feel useful. .
BUT it might be best to hide the best pots.
I love my kitchen I love doing the cooking and find it difficult to let go too ... but sometimes if it makes some happy - I ll let them in there .. and just leave the kitchen till it’s over !! .
You could say - she cooks one time and then you then next ?
Hope it all works out for you x

wouldlikesomehelp · 01/01/2019 14:35

I would love it if my MIL wanted to cook for us! My MIL sits on her bottom and expects us to run around after her.

subspace · 01/01/2019 14:41

I'd find it rude that she doesn't want to eat your cooking, but if she wants to come and do the cooking in my home it keeps her out from under my feet she can crack on!

Women, cooking and cultures can be an absolute minefield. My ex's mother would have cooked for us when she visited if she could - it wasn't disrespect, it was that food was how she showed love. I loved her recipes and ideas and she loves showing me them - but then she loved hearing mine too, so...

Icanttakemuchmore · 01/01/2019 17:00

Get mil to bring her own pans. As long as she cleans up as well as you would I'd let her get on with it. If she doesn't then I'd say no.

wouldlikesomehelp · 01/01/2019 17:54

She is family. When your children have grown and married I am sure you may like to cook their favourites for them. Pots are replaceable.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 01/01/2019 18:00

I get it, my husband is also from a different culture and his parents definitely look down on food from outside their culture. They will eat my food though.

Tbh I’d be happy to just let her cook so I could relax.

Mummymummymummmeeeee · 01/01/2019 19:47

Just wanted to add that I think you're getting quite a hard time OP, I think all the people who are saying that it sounds lovely of her and you should be grateful haven't actually experienced anything like this themselves, and I bet they would never behave like that themselves as a guest in another person's house. It can be hard for people to understand how helping without respect for boundaries can actually be controlling but feels even worse because you feel like you're being unreasonable and everyone else thinks you're unreasonable if you mention it! I wouldn't be surprised if your MIL has other boundary issues too - I would say pick your battles and choose whether this one is important enough for you - I choose to let the cooking thing slide and draw the line at anything that will affect my children's well being, or things like tidying up my underwear draw (MIL has actually done this!) Hope it helps to know you're not alone in feeling that way!

Moussemoose · 01/01/2019 19:52

Food is culture and love. She wants to pass on both to her children and grand children.

Most of the time you get to do it. Every now and then she wants to and you won't let her.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/01/2019 11:22

Given she has destroyed your pan with no apology or any recognition at all, I probably wouldn’t let her cook again either. Your kids aren’t missing out as you say their dad also cooks. If her neighbours don’t like the smell so she doesn’t cook for you, how does she cook for herself? The smell will be the same.. either way, you had food prepared so that’s what she should have eaten. Just because she doesn’t have a large kitchen herself doesn’t mean she gets to run the Ops when she is there. Also slightly annoyed with all the comments stating the op must be British because our food is bland and that’s reason enough to refuse, get up and start cooking your own. That is so fucking rude. Unless you cannot stomach the food you should make an attempt to eat it. And if you don’t like it? Tough, don’t get up and make something else. Ask if you can have something different but don’t just get up and start cooking for everyone when you are the only person who doesn’t want what’s on offer. I don’t care what your culture is, you shouldn’t be allowed to disrespect others in their homes because of it. Saying that, if I had an in-law that cooked lovely food from another culture I don’t think I’d mind them cooking, provided they don’t leave a ridiculous mess to be cleaned up. But then I’m not a great cook lol

MrsBombastic · 02/01/2019 13:36

Yes.

If she doesn't like your food she is not duty bound to "try it".

You wouldn't eat something you didn't like the look of so why should she?

If she can't cook for all of you at hers due to issues over space then why not let her cook for you all?

Why are you deliberately trying to enforce a situation that is hurtful and not beneficial to anyone?

Put your feet up and let her look after you all, if she was throwing a paddy and insisting you cook her cultural dishes I could understand your ire but that's not what's happening here and it makes you look mean.

BTW... you're putting your husband in a no win situation just because you want to "win" so you're treating them both badly... food for thought.

puzzledlady · 02/01/2019 13:44

So you just don’t want your children or husband eating her food because you’re precious about your kitchen? Do you not like her culture or her food? Have you asked your husband and children what they want? Or is it your house, your kitchen etc? Sorry - yabu and very selfish. I’m asian and when my mum comes here - she takes over the kitchen and it’s lovely. Same with my MIL - it’s an act of love really - feeding your grandchildren/children etc. You sound mean. Sorry Op.

reindeermania · 02/01/2019 18:06

Hmmm. I can see how it's rude, but equally the cultural aspect may play a huge part in this. Depending on what cultures it can be very normal for the mil to come to the sons home and cook (it is within my own dh culture- when mil is here she cooks and I become her helper)

In the long term- is she hurting anyone? She wants to cook for you all and that's not possible in her house as it's too small. Maybe just let this slide? It's not that big a deal is it?