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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL wants to cook when she comes to visit- AIBU

203 replies

Advice79 · 30/12/2018 00:51

MIL always wants to cook when she comes to stay with us. I always make sure that there is food cooked when she arrives but she seldom eats it- we are from different cultures so the food isn’t what she is used to, but she doesn’t even try it. She says that she wants to cook for her son and her grandchildren, but my point is there is food already made which they would eat. Also the last time she cooked she burnt my favourite pot and it’s ruined!!! I don’t want her cooking in my kitchen- a part of me feels like she is trying to mark her territory in my home, and I really dont like it. I have said to hubby that If she wants to cook why can’t she cook at her house and bring it with her, but apparently this is not possible. He doesn’t see an issue. I am a homely person and my kitchen is important to me. Aibu?

OP posts:

anniehm · 30/12/2018 08:31

It sounds a cultural difference to me, plus perhaps she misses cooking because she lives in a small place (and cooking for others). I'm guessing the pot she ruined was non stick and she wasn't used to them.

Next time don't cook yourself, let her cook for you all and provide a standard (not non stick) pot or two (Indian stores sell them really cheaply and are better quality than western brands). Cooking for your family is a huge part of the mother's life in many cultures.

I do let my mum cook sometimes, if she offers that is, this Christmas she was happy to be waited on but assigned herself and dad to kettle and sink duties!

Yabbers · 30/12/2018 08:31

she doesn’t even try it

If someone put food down in front of me, and I wasn’t keen on that culture’s cooking generally, I wouldn’t try it either. As an example, I do not like pasta. So it wouldn’t matter which variant of pasta dish you put down, I would not try it, as I do not like it.

pyramidbutterflyfish · 30/12/2018 08:33

I’d be happy for my MIL to do this. YABU.

pyramidbutterflyfish · 30/12/2018 08:34

Unless she’s a bad cook...

NiteFlights · 30/12/2018 08:35

As mentioned upthread, the fact that she doesn’t have a big kitchen (or anyone to cook for, presumably) at home does make a difference. It would be very kind of you to let her cook for your family instead.

I understand being territorial over the kitchen and I don’t think YABU but overall I think you should let go and be the gracious one here. But when you do cook something you should definitely encourage her to try it. Maybe get the children to help getting grandma to try new things. Try to see this as an opportunity for the family to share together rather than enforcing differences. You have my sympathy, good luck.

Babygrey7 · 30/12/2018 08:36

Is it Indian food?

We had a large group of Indian colleagues visit our office for a week, and they could not hack British food at all

To them everything was bland and tasteless, they ended up a bit depressed about English office lunch food

Anyway, I find it hard to let MIL cook in my kitchen as she hates my pans and knives and even my tin opener (she keeps asking how on earth I can cook with my crappy equipment) she ruins pans (scrapes around in my Tefal pans with metal spoons, as she can only cook like that) and burned a pan cooking chicken at high temperature with no fat, muttering "what is the point of non-stick if the food still sticks" setting off the fire alarm a few times, being cross we could not switch it off (it's a mains one)....oh the fun....

After some initial goodwill I now don't let her cook in my kitchen anymore, so she brings food we can heat up. Lots of it

Tubie · 30/12/2018 08:38

I have a friend whom I invite with open arms as she does the same. She lives alone but adores cooking, so volunteers to cook big multi dish meals. We win, her company and beautiful food. She wins, cooking and a variety of food she does not eat so often as multi dish meals for one are hard.

anniehm · 30/12/2018 08:38

Ps, she's welcome to come cook at mine! I love authentic meals from elsewhere, so different to the typical restaurant meals. I'm thankful there's little cafes in my city serving cheap Indian home style food, £3 a person- it's delicious but not for the fussy as the only thing on the menu is "lunch". They cook 3-4 curries plus rice and that's what is served.

Pluckedpencil · 30/12/2018 08:40

All this talk of Indian food is making me crave a curry! Invite her to ours!

PrincessOfTheCheeze · 30/12/2018 08:41

He doesn’t see an issue. I am a homely person and my kitchen is important to me. Aibu?

Well it's not your itchen it's the family kitchen and maybe as much as you enjoy cooking for your family she misses that. Why not let her? Maybe dh misses his mother's cooking? Don't you have meals you miss from your parents/grandparents?

Let her crack on with it.

BunsOfAnarchy · 30/12/2018 08:44

I think you're being precious here.

My DM lives for hospitality. Cooking for her children/relatives/friends is the one thing that brings her joy. When she visits my DB and SIL she usually takes pre cookes dishes as well as cooking while shes there. Id hate to think my SIL is anything like you. Instead she loves it and says how she loves taking a break and lerring someone else cook and keep an eye on their 2 year old.

My MIL was like this too. Sadly she passed a few months after marriage. I know she would have done the same. Probably moved her own pots in! I wasnt a massive fan of their method of cooking (we're bith indian but they cook differently) but id still appreciate any effort regardless!

Personally, you sound like u dislike mil and are just finding excuses to justify your disdain.

cricketmum84 · 30/12/2018 08:50

I think this is more of a cultural thing than a MIL issue. OP hasn't said whether she or the MIL are from UK.

I think it's more a case of MIL wanting to carry on her tradition of cooking traditional food from her culture and it's coming across as a bit of a clash. I think deep down she is trying to help. Maybe get some cheaper pans for when she is there lol!

Or what about cook with her? Sit in the kitchen with a glass of wine while she gets on with it and open yourself up to learn about her culture and cooking if it's different to yours?

Singlenotsingle · 30/12/2018 08:56

Why can't you just sit back as ND let her get on with it? You can have the day off, enjoy the break, you'll feel magnanimous, and make her happy. What's not to like? I hope she does the washing up too?

Chloe84 · 30/12/2018 09:03

The key thing is MIL doesn't want to cook for her son or grandchildren in her own home, just in OP's home. Either she's passive aggressive or she enjoys OP's kitchen and doesn't give a shit about ruining OP's cookware.

Did she offer to replace the burnt cookware? I'm guessing not.

PrincessOfTheCheeze · 30/12/2018 09:04

OP as much as you love your kitchen wouldn't you be sad to not have one day? wouldn't you appreciate the chance to still cook for your family?

PrincessOfTheCheeze · 30/12/2018 09:06

When we visit her she doesn’t cook for us. Her place is v small so it’s difficult for all of us to fit and eat as it’s a studio flat and there are 5 of us (me kids and hubby) she just seems to want to cook at our house

The key thing is it's not easy to cook a meal for 6 in a one room flat. She didn't burn the pot on purpose. I'm a good cook and I've fucked up pans. it happens. I certainly wouldn't charge my mil living in a little room to replace them.

Allthewaves · 30/12/2018 09:07

I'd love this. Hide your good pans and get a cheap set and let her crack on. Even better send the kids in to help. Then relax with glass of wine.

PrincessOfTheCheeze · 30/12/2018 09:08

At any rate if she'd desperate to feed people send her to mine OP, I've got 5 people wh'd happily take her up on her offer.

Alicatz66 · 30/12/2018 09:09

YANBU... she sounds like a pain in the arse !! .... would she like to come to my house though ?? I hate cooking ... she can stay for a few days till the freezer is full !

selkiesolstice · 30/12/2018 09:10

Is it indian food then? I'd let her cook but she has to tidy up as well!
ALso, I get that british food might not be very exciting but how could anybody say 'oh that's AWFUL, I can NOT eat it''. The worst you'd say would be that was forgettable.

Petalflowers · 30/12/2018 09:11

I wouldn’t like mil cooking (taking-over) either. Is it every meal she wants to cook? I guess if it’s a one offfamily favourite that’s fair enough, but it diesn’tvsound Like that. By not eating your food, she’s implying it’s not good enough and she can do better. I actually think she is being quite rude.

RoboticSealpup · 30/12/2018 09:13

My MIL always cooks at our house (and when we are at hers, too). She's from a food-centred and family-centred culture and it makes her happy. That way DH and I get a break as well. It sounds like there's something else going on here. Burning one pot doesn't warrant being banned from using the kitchen, surely?

OrdinarySnowflake · 30/12/2018 09:13

Can others not see this as an insult? The op cooks for everyone, the MIL refuses to eat the food her host has prepared, insisting on taking over their kitchen and cooking "better" food that she believes her son should be fed, not the crap his wife makes.

It's rude.

Ok, point out to your DH that if his mother was politely eating the food you prepared and then offering to take on the effort of making the next meal, that would be different, what she's doing is taking over the woman of the house role and rejecting your effort. She is being rude to you, and has damaged your stuff last time you let her.

It's not kindness. Kindess would be to eat what the op had made, been polite about it, then offer to help, not take over because she finds the ops cooking shit.

Original poster

Advice79 · 30/12/2018 09:14

So funnily enough it’s not Indian food that she cooks- I do! as I’m from Asia, and I cook all types of food, Indian, Thai, British Chinese, French anything and everything. The food that she cooks is African so similar cooking methods and spices are used so I have no issues with this as we mostly have the ingredients at home. My children know both sides of their culture as when we go to other relatives from my husbands side they cook specifically for them. Plus hubby cooks. I have also been in my kitchen with MIL watching, helping asking questions etc re cooking and ingredients etc but she doesn’t want me to do it she wants to do it herself.

Re the burnt pot there was no acknowledgement or offer of replacement although hubby did replace it for me, but if you guys out there are passionate cooks you will understand that a new pot just isn’t the same!!

Hubby has said that The issue with my MIL not cooking at hers is apparently her neighbours don’t like the smell so she doesnt cook, but she cooks for herself which I find very odd if smell is the issue.

OP posts:

Cookit · 30/12/2018 09:22

I do think it’s a bit rude - she won’t even try yours but expects you all to eat hers. She’s saying her food is better.

That said, I think it’s a cultural thing and you need to some how find a middle ground. Can your DH not have a word? - for instance, when you invite her round make clear that you are cooking tonight’s meal so her cooking would not be appropriate but how about she come round to cook you all a big meal another night?

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