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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think children dont “need” a father?

213 replies

CandyCreeper · 29/12/2018 16:10

I am a single mum, ex completely absent through choice. He doesnt see or pay for our children. Ive been single 2 years. I was
speaking to a male acquaintance yesterday who said I should be doing everything possible to find a new partner so that my children have a father figure because its important that children have a father as all
children “need” a father.

Aibu in thinking this is nonsense? I was planning to stay single until my children are atleast teens. (long way to go 😅)

Is he right? Should I be looking to “replace” their father?

OP posts:
Fatasfook · 29/12/2018 16:11

I grew up without a father or a father figure. Didn’t miss what I didn’t know.
If you meet someone then great but to actively seek one out to be a father figure for your children sounds bonkers and risky

Hazardswan · 29/12/2018 16:12

Is he right?

LOL

No.

flossietoot · 29/12/2018 16:13

You don’t need to replace their father, but there is evidence to say that children benefit from positive role models. Doesn’t need to be your partner as such.

PooleySpooley · 29/12/2018 16:13

My dad never knew who his father was and he’s survived into his 80s just fine Grin

flossietoot · 29/12/2018 16:13

Positive male role models

DangerMouse17 · 29/12/2018 16:13

Yes total nonsense. The mother is the key player in my view....carried the child and grew the child at the end if the day! I'm a single mother too...so perhaps I'm slightly biased Grin

JacquesHammer · 29/12/2018 16:14

Your acquaintance is talking nonsense.

Sethis · 29/12/2018 16:15

No more so than they need a mother.

goldengummybear · 29/12/2018 16:15

2 lesbians can raise a child as well as a heterosexual sexual couple.

I personally think that children benefit from knowing adult males though. Does he have adult men in his life like uncle or grandfather?

HappyPunky · 29/12/2018 16:15

Could it be him trying to get into your pants in a weird way? A bit like negging?

BlackeyedGruesome · 29/12/2018 16:15

Children need at least one loving parent of either sex. Two is preferable but one is better than say an abusive parent.

jarhead123 · 29/12/2018 16:15

I think you can often tell a child whose father hasn't been around from a child whose father has...

Thewifipasswordis · 29/12/2018 16:16

They do need stable positive role models of both sexes. Doesnt have to be a father figure but they can be beneficial, especially to young males.

Also why are you staying single for that long? No need to be a martyr.

Lifeisabeach09 · 29/12/2018 16:16

YANBU.
I feel children need someone (male and female) for love and parenting. For some, this will be a single mum. For others, a single dad.
I don't believe, as a single mother myself, that I should be looking for a 'dad' for my child. Not at all.
My child's biological father has not been involved from the start. My child is happy and well-adjusted. I've no need to provide a male figure for her.

JacquesHammer · 29/12/2018 16:16

Also why are you staying single for that long? No need to be a martyr

You know being single can be a choice right....?

ChodeofChodeHall · 29/12/2018 16:17

I never had a father and I'm fine. Don't feel the need for one.

BlackeyedGruesome · 29/12/2018 16:17

And that is talking as a single parent though the dad is involved more now.

Dermymc · 29/12/2018 16:18

I agree they need positive and influencial male role models. You can tell tge difference in children who don't have male influences in their lives.

However this does not need to be a father.

Staying single is your choice, it wouldn't be mine.

Original poster
CandyCreeper · 29/12/2018 16:19

Unfortunately I have no child care so wont be able to date as wouldnt be possible anyway so will have to wait.

No he isnt trying to get into my bed as he has a partner and child.

OP posts:
68Anon · 29/12/2018 16:19

Children need both positive male and female role models in their life, not necessarily their father or mother as from experience, mothers can be as toxic as fathers although the majority of mothers think otherwise.

LeafCutterAnt · 29/12/2018 16:19

Mine had one until he died. I have no intention of seeking out a replacement. They'd hate it. Once they've left home for good i may get a lodger so I'm not completely on my own and to help fund my retirement. I intend to be like the Queen Mother and stay a widow for 50 years!

MoaningSickness · 29/12/2018 16:21

I've heard it often and I think it's rubbish. Children need people who love and care about them. They don't specifically need 'a father', and just because you loved and moved a guy in wouldn't mean he automatically filled the father role anyway (plenty of great step/adopted dad's out there, so I'm not saying it can't work like that, but you can't force it to happen).

AcrossthePond55 · 29/12/2018 16:24

A child needs a loving, stable parent. The sex doesn't matter.

theworldistoosmall · 29/12/2018 16:24

Role models don't have to be the parents. They need to be consistent people in the person's life who are also decent.
I grew up without much input from either parent, but I had always had good role models. Someone I could talk to and look up to.
Some educational settings also believe in the good role model thing hence one of the reasons why they also try and have a good mixture of both sexes for staff.

Busybusybust · 29/12/2018 16:25

I was widowed when my 4 children were aged 15 to 5. I am still single 23 years on. My children are happy healthy well-balanced adults. In an ideal situation there would be two happy parents, but life is not always ideal, and it’s perfectly possible to raise them as a single parent.