To think children dont “need” a father?

[CandyCreeper]

I am a single mum, ex completely absent through choice. He doesnt see or pay for our children. Ive been single 2 years. I was
speaking to a male acquaintance yesterday who said I should be doing everything possible to find a new partner so that my children have a father figure because its important that children have a father as all
children “need” a father.

Aibu in thinking this is nonsense? I was planning to stay single until my children are atleast teens. (long way to go 😅)

Is he right? Should I be looking to “replace” their father?

I think kids need one stable caregiver their whole life - someone to confide in, be there when they are ill etc.

More beneficial if they can grow up in a household with a stable loving relationship so they can determine what’s normal in a relationship (any relationship - goes for same sex couples as well).

Fatherhood has got an awful bashing lately, and I say that as someone who parents divorced. What particularly makes motherhood so great?

The ideal is for children to have good close role models of both sexes. There has been a lot of writing on this. While regular contact is better, it doesn't need to be a parent or the partner of parent and I think CandyCreeper your friend was putting a lot of unneeded pressure on you and needs to back off. Many things are not ideal for, I'd argue, most people and many hard working single parents raise amazing kids. Many great adults were kids who had no real role models in the home. It's complicated and we all can only do the best we can with how life rolls our way.

guacatrole One can recognize that most family annihilators are male and the issues of male violence, while also recognizing that having violent and/or addict shite mother is just as harmful to children as having a violent and/or addict shite father. It's not one or the other.

It doesn't help people abused by men to ignore those abused by women, it doesn't help those of us who were abused by our mothers to be told that what we suffered was somehow less because the perpetrator had a vagina. There are plenty of mothers who got a 'get-out-of-jail-free' card for a wide range of reasons. See any article where a mother badly abused or murdered a child, particularly a disabled child, and see the excuses people are willing to give mothers who do the worst.

And you might not think we are many, but thinking it through logically - even in two+ adult households, women are more likely to be the main carer and there are far more single mothers and mothers who suffered from reproductive coercion, just by numbers as has been written about a lot, there are far more who are abused by mothers than by fathers. We can't uphold how important and great many mothers do without also recognizing that major impact that happens when mothers are absent or violent just as with fathers.

@CandyCreeper if the relationship ended due to sustained abuse then maybe that's no bad thing?
I would never stop my children seeing their Dad unless I (and social services etc. Too for that matter) didn't think it was in their best interests
Unfortunately that's the cards we've been dealt. I gave him multiple chances to make good but ultimately he made it worse, and services have done the same to the point that no court in the land would ever be likely to give him contact again

I don't think that's the same with a guy who cheats, or even a guy who kicks off once or twice, I'm talking about the kind of person who is deep down devious, nasty and dangerous. Those men (and women) are best away from children (and anybody else for that matter)

Then they're are the men (and women) who just have no interest in being a parent at all and in those situations I think a child is better off without their inconsistency and constant let downs. Do I think sometimes they can reform? I would hope so. I would hope everyone would have the capacity to change, but with true Narcissists and psychopaths I am genuinely not sure the will to change is there

They don't need a parent of a specific gender no I don't think so. I guess if you've a good partner it's easier to be two people. Maybe that's what they meant?

I that no the opposite, what rubbish trying to find any old man to be a dad, there are plenty of male role models at clubs etc, you're right planning to stay single.

Men need to grow up and take responsibility for the children they father. They need to take an active interest in their welfare and education and spend time to bond with them.
This is the same whether they are in a relationship with the child's mother or not.

Men need to grow up and take responsibility for the children they father. They need to take an active interest in their welfare and education and spend time to bond with them.

Yeah men, just grow up!

My DF died, quiet unexpectedly and traumatically, directly in front of DBro and I when I was 10 and DBro was 7. We witnessed his unsuccessful resuscitation.

We both turned out ok with no DF. Luckily his life insurance left DM pretty well off, and I think poverty is thought to explain a lot of the poor outcomes associated with single parentdom. Our day to day lives didn’t change much - DF worked long hours so we didn’t see him during the week, and not much at weekends as he was doing hobbies or resting. If DM had died our lives would have been very different, and it would have been very traumatic.

Obviously I’d rather he hadn’t died, but once we got over the grief we both did well (both postgrad level of education, both have good jobs, both have long term partners/children, and neither have mental health issues).

In some ways we benefitted - DM was solely focused on us growing up, and we did lots of enrichment activities (educational trips, exciting holidays) that DF would never have agreed to (he just wanted to sit on a beach and relax because his job was stressful; DM took us up Macchu Picchu).

A child needs positive role models whoever that might be

You need to be that sort of role model though. My partner never had either parent teaching him how to treat women, whats not acceptable with temper and never seen a relationship to see how one works how you treat partners etc. I appreciate a mother can do these my point is you need to do both and my partners mother never and he does struggle with what's not acceptable or how to be loving/caring

It’s important for children to have many role models in life and for them to be both male and female but it isn’t vital for them to be mother/father figures, no. They just need to feel secure, loved and safe. If they have people to turn to of both sexes then it should be fine. Your colleague is talking nonsense, it would be sheer insanity to purposely seek a ‘Father figure’.

No is a simple answer but do consider how they will feel when they are grown. My dh didn't see his dad and missed out on a lot, they are now in touch (whilst he admits he didn't push for access, dh's mum didn't facilitate it). The only partner you should be looking for is the right one, but I would from personal experience suggest you attempt to get contact from your ex now the dust has settled unless there's abuse/dv etc - it's hard to get in contact once it's broken, my fil so regrets not making the call for fear of the reaction of mil.

Ive tried over the years anniehm but unfortunately he said he doesnt want to see them. If I emailed him he wouldnt respond.

My DH died 27 years ago, when the kids were both still in nappies- they have no memory of him at all. I never remarried, and brought them up alone, 250 miles away from our nearest relatives. They are both home owning graduates with good jobs and are thoroughly decent, caring individuals who do volunteering and mentoring for the less fortunate. So I can’t see that they’ve been damaged by the lack of a dad or a male role model.

I think boys growing up need a male role model, though that does not necessarily mean a dad or step-dad.

Your friend is odd. He already has plans for a replacement mother if his wife dies?

Children need stability from whatever type of family dynamic can give it to them.

Since having a child (and married), I have immeasurable respect for single parents, particularly those without other family support. It is so bloody hard even with having dh to share the load and being able to take time for myself while he has dc.

I had a father, but he was abusive. I just wanted someone to love me. Just one man, in my mother's many men, who didn't cheat on her, or who weren't emotionally abusive, who just liked me a bit.

Your acquaintance sounds insecure.

Im single mother and same as you deadbeat dad that doesnt visit or pay. And research and psychology do prove its vital for a father figure it is important and they will seek for a fatge figure elsewhere if you dont provide it like teacher ect. Its human nature to want it. But you dont need a boyfriend. He just needs a respectable male figure that plays a very stable role in his life. Like my son with his grandfather and two uncles. Has a huge relationship with them. And im so greatful for it so he doesnt seek it elswhere. Its nothing to feel guilty about at all. Its his dads fault. But if you have a brother or father i would try and let your child spen quality time with them as much as possible really. Men and women are equal but not the same in almost no way at all we equal eachother out really well when it comes to raising children if your lucky enought o find a good man that is and we are hardwired to want and need both. This is not to say in any way that hell be messed up at all but he will be definetly missing out on something he naturally craves for.

Actualy research shows that children benefit most from having 3 main caregivers. But i think men are getting a lot of bashing recently because women are allowed to. Vs 30 years ago where a woman would get beat up and raped and blamed by police and doctors for provoking the man. We have much more rights and can finally stand up for ourselves and openly talk about how weve been abused. Its nothing new weve just now got a voice. But motherhood is honestly a gift from the heavens. A failed relationship isnt to question motherhood. We are strong and can do it alone most women do it alone even when they are married not many men actauly help which is something you will also find out when you have a child. But failed relationship or not motherhood is the greatest gift on earth.

Latest research disagrees. Says single mums do as good a job and better than two parents proving the old myth about male role models as wrong.

The mother is the key player in my view....carried the child and grew the child at the end if the day!

The mother is not the key player. Male and female role models are needed generally in life, doesn’t matter which raises you. A woman giving birth doesn’t trump a man in terms of positive role models. Plenty of role models do not give birth to their own children. I am not my daughter’s birth mother.

I think children do benefit from having two parents though, in terms of feeling secure. Just speaking from personal experience. Children I have known with one parent can be more anxious about what happens to that parent. I guess children with two might sense that if something happens to one then they have the other one. I have children in my family who sleep much better if someone stays over and there are two adults in the house. They say they feel safer. Clearly I don’t speak for all children.

living with mother and father in a happy secure marriage is the gold standard for bringing up children.Overall children do better on every indicator in this scenario.

Well my mum was a single mum. My dad was around kind of but in no way was he a good role model. He just let us down time and time again. I think I turned out all right. I'm now happily married to a man nothing like my father thank goodness! I had a grandfather and an uncle who were present in my life but were not a father figure. I think whatever is best for you is just grand.

Totally agree
The 'need a father' bollocks justifies having to force children to go somewhere they dont want at weekends, having to support contact at any cost even when its sporadic and unreliable or downright abusive
No they dont need a father. They need a bloody good resident parent. Anything else is a bonus