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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think children dont “need” a father?

213 replies

CandyCreeper · 29/12/2018 16:10

I am a single mum, ex completely absent through choice. He doesnt see or pay for our children. Ive been single 2 years. I was
speaking to a male acquaintance yesterday who said I should be doing everything possible to find a new partner so that my children have a father figure because its important that children have a father as all
children “need” a father.

Aibu in thinking this is nonsense? I was planning to stay single until my children are atleast teens. (long way to go 😅)

Is he right? Should I be looking to “replace” their father?

OP posts:
Original poster
CandyCreeper · 30/12/2018 19:52

I agree. One of the most dangerous things that can happen to a child is to have a man who isn't biologically related to them move into their home.

I agree also, honestly I wouldnt trust a man around my children anyway so I think its probably best to stay single anyway.

Yes it would be nice for children to have a father but the point is if he isnt around for whatever reason, should you be looking for a replacement father.

OP posts:
AnotherShirtRuined · 30/12/2018 19:59

Of course you shouldn't look for a replacement father, the very idea is preposterous to me. They already have a father, as unsatisfactory as he may be. No child needs some random man in their life merely for the testosterone.

Whether or not you want a man in your life, however, is a completely different thing and entirely up to you.

Charley50 · 30/12/2018 21:29

@ssd - it's not just abusive and violent dads / stepdads who are a problem; neglectful, disinterested, half-in/ half-out unreliable, semi-absent men can also be damaging to children. That covers quite a proportion of men!

(Yes mum's can be like that too, but we're talking about men).

ChiaraRimini · 30/12/2018 22:39

Men need to raise their game and stop being abusive to kids. This thread is all about why women should avoid men to keep their kids safe, but why do these men think it's ok to be violent and abusive to women and children?

GenerationSnowflake · 31/12/2018 09:13

This thread is all about why women should avoid men to keep their kids safe

you are being sarcastic, right?

BarryTheKestrel · 31/12/2018 09:19

My father wasn't around much when I was growing up, popped up every few months/years for a Sunday afternoon and that was it. However I had 2 very involved grandfather's who were my positive male role models. I adore those 2 men who are now wonderful role models to my DC who don't have grandfather's (I'm NC with my father and DHs father died many years ago).

Children don't need a present father -and there are many reasons why one wouldn't be present-, but I do believe that a positive male role model is a good thing, be that another family member, family friend or mother's new partner.

70sbaubles · 31/12/2018 09:35

This thread is all about why women should avoid men to keep their kids safe
Unfortunately agree

JustABetterPlayer · 31/12/2018 10:16

Children need a loving home, and a Male and female role model is the ideal. They don’t ‘need’ both though.

brizzledrizzle · 31/12/2018 10:18

Mine don't have their father in their lives, they have had positive male role models from other areas such as their sports clubs, teachers at school and so on.

ElonMask · 31/12/2018 10:22

These discussions are fairly pointless in that they descend into a semantic debate about what a father is or what the word need means.

All children have a biological father and one is very much needed in order for life to come about.

It might be true to say the biological mother or father are not needed, but the same people saying this will argue that adoption causes lifelong emotional grief for the mother and abandonment issues for the child..

pointythings · 31/12/2018 11:05

Well, my DDs don't have a father any more. He was a good father and husband for many years, but then alcoholism got him and killed him. All three of us are better off without the person he became in our lives.

The most recent research suggests that what matters is the quality and stability of the relationship between the parents, not their gender - so two men or two women in a strong, stable relationship will do just as well as a male/female partnership. The gold standard, if there is one, is love and stability. In an ideal world that would come from two people, but one parent can do it just as well.

I have no intention of getting another man into my life.

ssd · 01/01/2019 14:10

@ssd - it's not just abusive and violent dads / stepdads who are a problem; neglectful, disinterested, half-in/ half-out unreliable, semi-absent men can also be damaging to children. That covers quite a proportion of men!

not where I'm standing

most men I know are caring, loving dads, not perfect by any means but who is?
the idea that more than a few men are a waste of space is something I see a lot on mn and its a shame so many of you seem to have run into arseholes but I dont think its a fair representation of men at all

Charley50 · 01/01/2019 22:47

Well about 20% of children witness domestic abuse so that's 1 in 5, not an insignificant number. About 25% of families are single parent families; some of those will have absent or non-committed fathers. I'm not father-bashing.. I would loved to have had a good dad like some of my friend did have.

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