To think children dont “need” a father?

[CandyCreeper]

I am a single mum, ex completely absent through choice. He doesnt see or pay for our children. Ive been single 2 years. I was
speaking to a male acquaintance yesterday who said I should be doing everything possible to find a new partner so that my children have a father figure because its important that children have a father as all
children “need” a father.

Aibu in thinking this is nonsense? I was planning to stay single until my children are atleast teens. (long way to go 😅)

Is he right? Should I be looking to “replace” their father?

The kindest thing a father can do for his children is love their mother .
so if he cant do that well , then hes better out the picture.
Not really sure what you mean by out of the picture? Yes better out of the relationship if the father can't love the mother and vice versa but certainly not better out of the children's lives (unless he also can't be a good dad which is a separate issue).

OP, the person who said this to you is an arsehole. He is ever-so-proud to have a partner and child, and he's hiking up his judgy pants from the comfort of his nuclear idyll, using you to reinforce his own supposed superiority.

What is the point to wondering, as a single mother, if not being a single mother would be better for your child? Your dc have a dad, and it's really not your fault that he's a rubbish one. You can't snap your fingers and fix that, so you are quite sensibly doing your utmost with the situation you have. Your dc are damned lucky to have such a loving mum.

Does it matter if the research says single mums are better or worse for kids? We all get what we get - plenty of children grow up without either parent - and we simply do our best.

They don't NEED a mother either. My niece and nephew lost their mother at a very young age and were brought up by their dad. They are grown up now and are productive happy members of society.

Most children do however do better with a ( good enough ) mother and also with a ( good enough) father. The loss of either makes it more difficult ( though of course not impossible) for a child to thrive and do.well

I think children benefit from positive gendered role models but they don't have to be relations.

I do wonder how children of single parents get on in relationships as they get older, as I look to my parents and see their relationship as a benchmark of what's good and what's not. But, I was raised by two parents and am raising DD with my husband so I only mention that as I have no experience and don't know how it would work. Would be interested in others' experiences of that.

OP, YANBU but seriously am amazed that you never go out due to lack of childcare. Could you not hire a babysitter? Or don't have a friendly neighbour?

Not friends with any neighbours and no one I know would have all 4 children. I wouldnt leave them with a babysitter, They wouldnt be comfortable and neither would I.

YANBU but seriously am amazed that you never go out due to lack of childcare. Could you not hire a babysitter? Or don't have a friendly neighbour
Neither do I my only night out in 13 years was in 2014.
I dont want mine feeling uncomfortable in their own home with a stranger, or risk them being abused in their bedrooms. It only takes once and isnt worth the risk juat to go out.

Thats how I feel 70sbaubles nothing against people who use babysitters but I wouldnt do it.

Threads like this, and the general ‘we don’t need no man!’ attitude spreading like absoloute wildfire at the moment- are (regardless of intention) derogatory to the role active men play in their children’s lives!

Does a child NEED a father- no - just like they don’t ‘need’ their own room or more than one pair of shoes but those things are nice to have!

Having both a good mother and good father is the optimum situation in which to raise a child! However, one good solid care giver is all a child needs (mum or dad) to be fine!

Realistically, in today’s world, a child doesn’t ‘need’ its mother - a single father has the means to feed and care for a baby/child!

Thats great but 90% of single parents are women.

• I will add that the idea of anyone telling a perfectly competent loving parent to actively ‘shop around’ for an extra parent - makes me feel a bit sick! 🤢

In situations like yours where the bio dad isn’t interested - you’re MORE than enough for your kids!

• if bio dad was good it would just be a nice bonus xx

Positive male role models yes but unfortunately they can be few and far between.

From my own experience a loving mother is far more important. There are exceptions of course but generally men are more abusive and not as good parents as women. I've seen it countless times sadly.

I'm a single mum to a son by adoption. He has many male role models, grandad, uncle, close friends, teachers, scout leaders, teachers and sports coaches.
They all bring an added dimensions to his life which is very valuable and necessary to his growth and development as a young man growing up.

I grew up without a father, and it definetly didn't affect me negatively. My mum was amazing, bringing us up single handedly and we all had alot of respect for how hard she worked and how well she looked after us on her own. She never said anything negative about our father and always gave us the option to try and gain contact if we wanted to. We clearly felt like nothing was "missing" as none of us felt the need to attempt to seek him out. I now have 2 children of my own, and I'm in awe of my mum, as it makes me realise how hard it must have been doing it alone. My partner is really hands on and such an involved loving dad, and I couldn't imagine parenting without him. Huge huge respect to any single mum's out there, your children will be so grateful for you when they're grown, have their own kids, and realise the sacrifices and difficulties you've faced.

Actually I know a few people who’s alcoholic mothers did exactly that! And is that the only criteria that makes you a bad parent? Violence and murder? All those ‘how do you go no contact’ or ‘stately home narc’ threads that litter this forum where people detail all the emotional abuse and neglect that their mothers inflicted on them as kids? All these people with no self esteem and ongoing mental health issues due to their mothers?

No one is saying mothers are perfect, just that the reason they were dealing with their mothers..is because the mother stuck around. Now feel free to put on your Batman suit and tell me it's because the court favours mothers, even though that is certainly not true. But even in cases where the other parent dies, there is a significant difference in the amount of fathers who choose to be single parents and the mothers that choose to do so. Same with a parent going to prison.

So men are less likely to be there and more likely to be extremely violent on the rare occasion they stick around.

yes, exactly like mothers.

Threads like this, and the general ‘we don’t need no man!’ attitude spreading like absoloute wildfire at the moment- are (regardless of intention) derogatory to the role active men play in their children’s lives

Yeah well. Maybe ask the men to stick around then?

Women don't choose to do 100% of the cooking cleaning and mental load when a marriage ends. Do you think like never having a weekend off?

Do you think the OP is ecstatic about the fact that she can't even go on a date?

My dad’s father cleared off when he was a kid and my dad has been the best dad I could have had. He did though grow up in a big extended family but it was very matriarchal

Just to add also, I think growing up without a father physically present would definetly be preferable to growing up with one that was present, but absent minded and not at all hands on. So many of my friends have useless partners who basically make them feel like they're looking after an extra child, don't get involved with the children or their activities, and cause constant arguments. I can only imagine that sort of situation would have a huge negative impact on a child... knowing their father, and seeing he doesn't really care must be really difficult. My father has recently tried to get in contact with myself and siblings (after 30 years no contact!) And we've politely declined his invitation to "build bridges" to which has became incredibly aggressive, angry, rude and threatening. Saying we "need to hear his side to the story" (We've never heard a story, we just knew he wasnt present, and didn't pay any sort of child support, send birthday cards etc) And is now trying a different approach of saying he's had a health scare and needs to speak to us about a hereditary condition that could affect me and my children. It's clearly all made up, as he could just say what he needs to in a message, but this is his way of gaining some control over us I guess. He's clearly got major issues, and I'm so so glad I grew up without him in our lives, as he is clearly extremely self centered has a very damaging persona, and would be horrendous to live with. Feel we dodged a bullet frankly!

And is now trying a different approach of saying he's had a health scare and needs to speak to us about a hereditary condition that could affect me and my children.

What a lovely man blackmailing you with your children's health to see him.

My mother was crap and I hated her for not being good enough but I look back now and I realise that she was the one who stayed. My dad flitted in and out was drunk, terribly violent, cheated on her, didn't pay support when he left. Basically a shit human. She raised us in a country with a shit welfare state and very little money while working full time. No family to help her out. Spending a fortune on child care. She was a wreck no wonder she wasn't great at parenting.

I could go on stately homes and blame her or realise she had it significantly harder than most people. My dad being in the picture wouldn't have improved anything. I didn't need a father. I needed a social care system that helped my mother out because she wanted to be a good parent. My father didn't. What tabby said is true, enabling my father to stick around and be a third drunk violent child wouldn't have made anyone better.

I grew up with an emotional and physically abusive father. When he and my mum split up I went NC for a little while with him. We do have contact now but I'm still very weary. I'd much rather have no father than a bad one. My FIL was the best dad, treated me like this own but sadly died last year.

Threads like this, and the general ‘we don’t need no man!’ attitude spreading like absoloute wildfire at the moment- are (regardless of intention) derogatory to the role active men play in their children’s lives!

No. They’re really not.

If you want to start a thread about the lack of decent female role models and whether that’s an issue for a child, do so.

What is utterly tiresome is when an OP posts about a specific situation, and within minutes we have “NAMALT, NAMALT” with a few choruses “but what about crap mums” thrown in for good measure.

Just to add - I don’t mean people with bad experiences of their own mothers sharing their stories. Just the generic “mums can be crap too” with no foundation.

What is utterly tiresome is when an OP posts about a specific situation, and within minutes we have “NAMALT, NAMALT” with a few choruses “but what about crap mums” thrown in for good measure.

Absolutely THIS. I posted last night pointing out that this thread is about fathers, but still so many bursting to talk about how mothers are just as bad blah blah blah. So tedious.

What is utterly tiresome is when an OP posts about a specific situation, and within minutes we have “NAMALT, NAMALT”

yawn, here are the usual harpies who can't see past their own little agenda.

People are making a point that ideally children would have BOTH parents, in a loving home. Yes, they do need both a mother and a father, but sometimes people die, people run away and some parents are utter shit.

My children NEED their father. If the worst would happen, we would all survive, but that doesn't change the fact that we don't all want a man-free world.