To think children dont “need” a father?

[CandyCreeper]

I am a single mum, ex completely absent through choice. He doesnt see or pay for our children. Ive been single 2 years. I was
speaking to a male acquaintance yesterday who said I should be doing everything possible to find a new partner so that my children have a father figure because its important that children have a father as all
children “need” a father.

Aibu in thinking this is nonsense? I was planning to stay single until my children are atleast teens. (long way to go 😅)

Is he right? Should I be looking to “replace” their father?

There are really two questions here. Is it best for children to have a father? Not necessarily, though perhaps ideally they do have two parents, or at least some close family/friend role models. But what your friend is asking is, if children happen not to have a father, should mum go out and try to russle one up by getting with any available man and installing him as dad? The answer is obviously a big no.

Agree with pp, is your friend trying to convince you to get with him in some weird way?

Well perhaps you should open the news paper more often. There's a mother like that out of Canterbury being reported today. Just because you choose not to see it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

I think you should if you think that men don't do it more often than this rare case. Goofle Family Annihilator and tell me how much you see that doesn't directly discuss male murderers.

Your friend is talking out of his backside. I grew up with a 'father' (my biological one) who spent most of my life mentally and physically abusing me.
I would have been much better off without one, but my mother (not any better) was never going to leave him because of what 'the neighbours would think'.

I'm sure you're doing a great job on your own OP.

My son is 15, I would say that he and I could really do with a positive role model living with us. I think that because there isn’t one, he takes on the role of man of the house, and not in a good way. I do think that if there was a “good” father figure in his life he would not act like this. Boys do need their dads. Obviously my ex would not have been a great father figure (used to drink and is still very disrespectful to me and hates to play the authority figure to his son), but nevertheless I do feel that my son would benefit from a close positive role model.

Amused that "I choose not to see it". You can't even argue with people who try and act like this is a thing mothers do, it's pointless. You know full well, without even having to question it, that if you read a "family murdered by parent" that you would make an immediate assumption of the killers sex.

I think we need to encourage the approximately 50% of the population to engage with parenting their children better. Talking about what children absolutely "need" is far too easily construed as saying that fathers are worthless which isn't a message we should be sending out if we want men to be better fathers.

As somebody pointed out, children are successfully raised in care so neither a mother or father are needed where that is provided as a backstop, but it is not just about getting these children to their 18th birthday still alive, is it?

Also for those happy with the notion that fathers are an 'optional extra', when your own sons grow up, would you like them to be viewed as non essential to the lives of your grandchildren?

I think it is very hard for a single mother to instil discipline and a lot of kids without a male parent can go off the rails. Quite a lot of the people in the bad crowd round our way are from broken homes.

guacatrole

Mmm, just like you can make assumptions when you hear the words terrorist but something tells me you are against those sorts of hairline assumptions.

LOL user, new here? Most view their adult sons as an optional extra in their own lives, let alone in the lives of their grandchildren. That's why the common advice is in case of divorce is always side with the DIL.

oh give it a rest guacatrole
mothers can be just as bad as fathers and you know it. It's disgusting and unacceptable either way. Sadly, some kids are abused and go through hell with either father or mother.

Having read 'Raising Boys' by Steve Biddulph, I think if you have a boy they need positive male role models in their lives. Especially important at pre pubescent age and puberty. This will help avoid a lot of the problems boys have with their emotions around this time. Having always read child psychology books from this author they are easy to read an compliment and have helped enormously. He also points out the difference between boys and girls and why boys need that positive influence in their lives to help stop them going off the rails as hormones kick in. It's worth a read.

Well, I don't know many people who watched their mothers beat 10 shdes of shit out of their dads or who came home drunk and beat the crap out of them or murdered their entire families. So not quite the same.

Actually I know a few people who’s alcoholic mothers did exactly that! And is that the only criteria that makes you a bad parent? Violence and murder? All those ‘how do you go no contact’ or ‘stately home narc’ threads that litter this forum where people detail all the emotional abuse and neglect that their mothers inflicted on them as kids? All these people with no self esteem and ongoing mental health issues due to their mothers?

I think it is very hard for a single mother to instil discipline

I can assure you it isn't. My DS is genuinely the best behaved kid I've ever met and every single adult he comes into contact with says the same, I actually have no need to 'discipline' him as he's never displayed behaviour that warrants it. He respects me as his mother and I respect him as an individual, works for us.

As for seeking out father figures, I know a few single parents who's kids have had several 'step dads' before the age of 10, those kids aren't doing so good. Personally I made the choice to stay single and 11 years in haven't changed my mind. My DS does have the most wonderful relationship with his grandfather though and I don't think any man could ever be a better role model.

Oh and I can tell the 2 parents kids amongst his friends as they're the only ones who come out with sexist nonsense and gender stereotype comments (many seem to come from very 'traditional' homes), even from nursery age.

Amused that "I choose not to see it". You can't even argue with people who try and act like this is a thing mothers do, it's pointless. You know full well, without even having to question it, that if you read a "family murdered by parent" that you would make an immediate assumption of the killers sex.

You make it sound like all mothers are fantastic whereas all fathers - or maybe it's at least a 50/50 chance - are inevitably going to beat and/or murder their families.

Yes, when violence happens, the vast majority of it is indeed perpetrated by men.

However, to go back to the original counterpoint from a PP, most children have parents who make a huge range of good and not-so-good parenting decisions throughout their childhoods, but coming inherently from a basic position of care and love.

Or, to put it succinctly:

1. Most violent people and murderers are men;
2. Most men are not violent people or murderers.

A good male role model would be wonderful, and I consider people that have one, lucky, but so many parents / step parents aren't good role models.
I would have been so much better off without my angry, abusive dad in my life.

Knittedjest** that's kind of sad to hear as the mother of two boys. Thankfully they are being parented by DH who is a great father.

Like a previous poster, I also grew up without a father in my life and now see what I missed out on!

My husband is so different from me in many ways re parenting, eg happy to go to the park daily, stand on sidelines in the rain watching boys play ball every Saturday, is stricter on issues that had I been a single mother I would probably have overlooked, gives advice from a male perspective and as a family of colour also provides the boys with a daily positive view of how a black male 'can be' rather than the negative stereotypes portrayed by the media each day

My DH backs me up when disciplining kids, shows boys how to treat me/ women well, that men can do housework, help with homework etc

Together we role model how to disagree without violence, laugh together, problem solve etc

My kids look into the crowd at school for BOTH of us at their nativities and school plays

I would be really happy if my boys turned out to be like their dad, and having him in the home offers a blue print for what they can become

I'm less scared of them becoming 6" in their teens as (hopefully) I will have someone on side to support me with disciplining our teen.

Yes someone can 'step in' and offer a father figure but if possible nothing beats the real deal eg someone else who will put your child first, not compromise their safety and development to get back at you, feel that same level of pride, anger and embarrassment when they do something good/ bad at school etc, show a united front at parents evening etc

I agree that if the child's father is abusive and unreliable then it may be better to do it alone, but if that is not the case, where possible, encourage your child to have a relationship with their dad

And actually often single mums make a very calm home, and bring up calm, happy children, as there is no adult - adult conflict in their daily lives.,

The mother is the key player in my view....carried the child and grew the child at the end if the day!

"Excellent, so glad to hear it - exactly what I believe" - say all the deadbeat dads out there looking for an easy excuse to justify their selfish desire to just up and leave and spend all of their time and money on the only person they care about. "Because it's really their mum's job and responsibility, isn't it - I don't need to worry at all."

Sorry, but no,DM and dfs absolutely not the same

As evidenced by all the overwhelming murder rates by men craving power and control.

These rates do not apply to women so don't start that women hating shit on here.

The single mother a proven good to DC, no man required, and actually those with both parents dont do as well. This is latest research.

Men and women are simply not the same.

That's not to say there are some good men out there who love, understand and make time for their DC, same as DMs

I think children greatly benefit from growing up in an environment where they see two adults in a good relationship. Otherwise they can often struggle in their own adult lives as they have nothing to compare it with.

The only thing worse than being a single parent (especially the stigma) is being in a toxic relationship. I'm not a perfect person or perfect parent but if the only thing I manage for the rest of their lives is to protect my kids from their abusive father then I have succeeded.
There are days I think I'm failing them in various different ways, one of those being lack of male role model. But do you know what? That will come. And in the meantime they are safe and loved. They have food in their bellies and a roof over their head, all things my ex was far too selfish to give a S about.
I would rather be single forever than inflict another abuser on any of us. So yes that means opting out of dating for a fair while, doing the work I need to on myself, my life and raising kids and a career. Yes, there will be "time" I can get a babysitter I'm sure, but why would I spend that time Pursuing a relationship? Is that the only marker for success?
I think not.
I have no issue with failing at relationships with partners, so long as the relationships with my kids are right. I have already made some bad choices while with my ex, I will be making that up to my kids forever.
I would rather spend a spare evening in therapy or taking a course or seeing a friend than on dating. Does that make me a bad parent? I think not. Would jumping in bed with any old bloke just to give my kids a male in their lives? Yes it would, because I wouldn't be putting that man through a fair screening process to make sure that he wasn't an abuser too, I would be putting a new man in front of the safety and security of my kids and that would be unfair of me. It would be selfish. They have had already had to live through one man failing in the Daddy role, I do not intend to do that to them again if I can help it.
& one of the best ways to help it is simply not to date at all. & certainly not to bring someone home to meet them too fast.

Your friend is being U not you OP

My ex wants nothing to do with our children unfortunately. Even when he was in their lives he would only see them if he could see them in my house. (wouldnt take them.) Sadly for some men when the relationship ends with the mother, it ends with the children also.

I thought this thread was about DC needing a father, the evidence says two parents are not necessary and in fact DC do the same or better with one parent (the vast majority female)

Finally, something for women to embrace and be proud of. No more knocking the vast numbers of single mums doing a great job.

Single mum judgements over.

Maybe this does speak to the amounts of abusive men currently in relationships making negative impact within families, who knows.

If something happened to DH I couldn’t imagine ever seeking out a replacement but that’s just my opinion. I think children can be raised with any kind of parent (single mother, single father, gay or lesbian couple) as long as the home is loving and stable.