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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think children dont “need” a father?

213 replies

CandyCreeper · 29/12/2018 16:10

I am a single mum, ex completely absent through choice. He doesnt see or pay for our children. Ive been single 2 years. I was
speaking to a male acquaintance yesterday who said I should be doing everything possible to find a new partner so that my children have a father figure because its important that children have a father as all
children “need” a father.

Aibu in thinking this is nonsense? I was planning to stay single until my children are atleast teens. (long way to go 😅)

Is he right? Should I be looking to “replace” their father?

OP posts:
stilTesting · 29/12/2018 17:02

@JacquesHammer

Don't be a dick. Post relevant links which show equality of outcome irrelevant of single or dual-parent families.

Every study shows that children from families with a mother and a father are more likely to succeed in life. Your measure of success can be academic, satisfaction, financial or whatever, the facts hold true.

'I'm happy to be educated. I'm waiting...

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 29/12/2018 17:03

I’d be interested to hear what characteristics children without fathers have too....

Does it matter if they are only children or have siblings? Does it make a difference if there was never a father or one that left after a few years.?

Embracethechaos · 29/12/2018 17:04

Male aquatance strange way of trying to start a relationship with you...Grin

Jux · 29/12/2018 17:04

My dad was born in 1917, his dad died in the trenches in 1918, there is no likelihood that the pair even set eyes on each other - it is very likely that my grandfather didn't even know my dad existed.

Dad was the kindest, gentlest' most courteous person I ever met. He managed perfectly well without a dad. Fathers can be fab and wondeful, but they can be utter shit.

Poppyfr33 · 29/12/2018 17:04

My dad died when I was 10, missed having him around so much, I would have lived my mum to have met someone else.

guacatrole · 29/12/2018 17:05

However I have a dh who fathers his dc really well and I can see what I missed

You see one option you might have had.

Havign actually had a father a generation ago would likely have looked different to start from the way your husband parents. You also you could have had a shit father, or a drunk, or a workaholic.

It's not about trying to make single mothers "feel better" the fact that they are alone says something about the potential father they would have had for their children, doesn't it?

speakout · 29/12/2018 17:05

Depends on the father.

guacatrole · 29/12/2018 17:06

I just don't see how having a penis brings something more interesting to parenting than mother? Other than a bit of a get out of jail free card for dads, is it useful?

Slothslothsloth · 29/12/2018 17:07

This is something men say because they want to feel useful when it comes to child rearing and don’t like to face the reality that most women can do it fine by themselves.

A good father is a great thing, but many fathers actively make their children’s lives worse. I would certainly have been better without mine.

ChristmasSprite · 29/12/2018 17:08

So therefore the answer from the research is no, fathers not necessary to great outcome for DC.

A good decent genuine and responsive person in their lives, with good boubdaries is what matters.

DRE56322 · 29/12/2018 17:11

I would have been better off without my father in my life, so he is wrong.
Went NC early 20s, still suffering from his actions though.

GaryBaldbiscuit · 29/12/2018 17:13

why should you be single op, if you want a man in your life, a male role model is good, a happy relationship is good. a healthy relationship is good.

GenerationSnowflake · 29/12/2018 17:13

Ideally the children would be better off with a mother and a father in a loving relationship.

They'll do fine without a father or without a mother, and it's quite ridiculous to try to find them a father - or a mother - for the sake of it. No one has a perfect life, and most people grow up just fine.

In general it is easier to parent as a couple - you get a more balanced opinion, the children know you have a life that doesn't include them so don't feel they have to stick around, but a house with a parent treating the other one like dirt and arguing all the time is worst.

I would be opened to relationship if I was you - not actively looking, but not rejecting a possibility because of the kids age. A happy and safe home is the best environment.

Hulloa · 29/12/2018 17:18

Like everything else, it depends on the people. Some fathers are abusive, some are great, some mothers are either of these things also. Some mothers are single because they bring problems to the table/are chaotic etc. Some married women only stay married because they're scared to leave a toxic setup. There are no hard and fast rules.

What I do know is true is that there have always been children left without fathers whether through war, industrial danger, substance abuse or just cba attitudes and the outcomes for children in those circumstances and others are immeasurably better now that we no longer institutionalise the children and/or mothers concerned or force them to give up their babies. So there's that.

knittedjest · 29/12/2018 17:19

Technically children don't need parents at all. My youngest bil had no parents, he just had somebody who attended to his needs. He has turned out, well, perfectly functional is probably the best descriptor.

Wenttoseainasieve · 29/12/2018 17:19

As others have said, positive male role models are important. The most obvious is going to be a father, but grandfathers, uncles, male teachers and scout leaders etc can fulfill this too.

12345poster · 29/12/2018 17:21

Many of my peers who have a great relationship with their dads seem to do better getting along with men. I noticed this at school and work.

I didn't have a male role model, quite the opposite in fact. I wish I had.

Original poster
CandyCreeper · 29/12/2018 17:22

I really do have no child care so it really isnt
an option.

He said if his partner was to die the first thing he would do was seek out a mother for his child as its extremely important and he doesnt get why single mothers dont do the same it should be a priority to find a man who can fulfill the father role apparently.

OP posts:
PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 29/12/2018 17:23

Fathers can be fab and wondeful, but they can be utter shit.

A bit like mothers then?

Original poster
CandyCreeper · 29/12/2018 17:24

They have no male role models sadly. I have my dad but I wouldnt exactly call him a role model.

OP posts:
guacatrole · 29/12/2018 17:25

A bit like mothers then?

Well, I don't know many people who watched their mothers beat 10 shdes of shit out of their dads or who came home drunk and beat the crap out of them or murdered their entire families. So not quite the same.

Confusedbeetle · 29/12/2018 17:27

No they dont need you to have anew partner. What they do need is good male role models in their life. Friends, relatives etc who will help them get a balanced perspective on men and women

goldengummybear · 29/12/2018 17:29

Your friend seems to see co-parents like something that can be ordered off Amazon. What about qualities like loving the other person as a human and not as a potential step parent?

OhTheRoses · 29/12/2018 17:29

I loved my dad. We were kindred spirits. Trouble was he got mother pg in 1959 and two mismatched people had to get married. They hated each other for twelve years without being abusive.

I just wanted a mum and dad and for him to come back. 12 was the worst age and I was the only girl in my class with divorced parents. Hated it. Vowed I would never mess my kids about.

knittedjest · 29/12/2018 17:33

guacatrole

Well perhaps you should open the news paper more often. There's a mother like that out of Canterbury being reported today. Just because you choose not to see it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.