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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think children dont “need” a father?

213 replies

CandyCreeper · 29/12/2018 16:10

I am a single mum, ex completely absent through choice. He doesnt see or pay for our children. Ive been single 2 years. I was
speaking to a male acquaintance yesterday who said I should be doing everything possible to find a new partner so that my children have a father figure because its important that children have a father as all
children “need” a father.

Aibu in thinking this is nonsense? I was planning to stay single until my children are atleast teens. (long way to go 😅)

Is he right? Should I be looking to “replace” their father?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 29/12/2018 16:27

Ds is 9 and we haven’t heard from his father since he was days old. He has always had grandfather in his life but until 2 years ago I was happily single, it’s only now that he is starting to really be part of his life.

Positive role models are needed, ideally male and female. However forcing anything isn’t going to work for anyone

SummerGems · 29/12/2018 16:27

There is IMO a difference between a father and a father figure. I.e. a child needs a parent but it is preferable if they have two parents, however, if one is absent then children do progress in spite of that fact iyswim.

I don’t necessarily agree with the idea of popping off to the sperm bank and knowingly having a child as a single parent, but neither do I think that leaving a bad relationship is a bad thing just because you think your children need a father....

On the other hand, I don’t believe that it’s necessary or even appropriate to seek out a new partner just because you want a father figure for your children if a relationship With the biological father doesn’t work out, and most men would rightly run a mile if you started declaring that you were looking for a partner because you wanted a father figure for your kids...

I do have a partner but if things didn’t work out I wouldn’t seek out another relationship for any reason...... And people should only seek a relationship because they want to be in one, not because of some other reason....

findurfavouritesorhaveabrowse · 29/12/2018 16:29

It's better to have one great parent than two who couldn't give a shit regardless of gender.

MaisyPops · 29/12/2018 16:32

I think children need positive role models of both sexes. That doesn't have to be a parent.
I do think people can be quicker to say children don't need dads more than not needing their mum though.
E.g. One of my friends is a single dad and is bringing up 2 kids on his own. He gets a lot of questions about why the children are with him over their mother and at times he's felt judged for being a single dad as if that's a 2nd best option to a single mother. He does a great job and the children have a range of family role models.

Starlight456 · 29/12/2018 16:33

My Ds (11) hasn’t seen his dad since he was 3.

I don’t think he would feel more loved or secure with 2 parents.

He does take various traits he likes from many males and so ling as he picks the positive ones that will be a much more positive experience than his own dad would of been.

I love to know how people without family support or dad involved find time to date

whataSummer · 29/12/2018 16:33

Children are provably more likely to succeed if they come from a family with heterosexual parents.

This doesn't prove that some children would do better without certain influences in their lives but it certainly shows when they're likely to succeed.

thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 16:35

He's being ridiculous.

Daffyduckface · 29/12/2018 16:38

I think children need positive role models from both sexes.
I dont necessarily believe it has to be a step parent or parent.
You can have uncles / grandads and even teachers that are good male role models for children.

JacquesHammer · 29/12/2018 16:39

And people should only seek a relationship because they want to be in one, not because of some other reason

This is really important.

Bugsymalonemumof2 · 29/12/2018 16:41

I have been single for 2 years following splitting with my kids dad. Quite happy that way and my kids don't know any different in terms of male role models. No father is better than an evil father

BertieBotts · 29/12/2018 16:41

Why on earth would children be more likely to succeed with heterosexual parents? On what basis?

Also, someone said they can tell a child whose father has been involved from one whose has not - how?

Genuinely curious, I have never noticed these things, are they real?

EverythingsDozy · 29/12/2018 16:42

Also why are you staying single for that long? No need to be a martyr.

Do you know any single men looking to take on single parents?? I can't seem to find any. I wish I could find someone who would take me but my personality is not good enough to outweigh my face 🤷🏼‍♀️

But, to the original question, I think children do need role models of both sexes, but that doesn't have to be a mother and a father who are in a relationship. It could be Dad who lives elsewhere, or it could be grandad, uncle, cousin, mums best mate.

ChristmasSprite · 29/12/2018 16:43

Latest research has proved that DC of single parents do as well as and often better than those in two parent families, so all the bunkum about how shit single mums are can stop finally.

You are enough for your DC! Hold your head high and go against the stupid beliefs of some that women and/or DC can't manage without a man in their lives.

What a load of ol' shit!

Original poster
CandyCreeper · 29/12/2018 16:44

Also, someone said they can tell a child whose father has been involved from one whose has not - how?

I was
wondering this aswell.

I must admit I did have a mini panic that I was letting my children down in some way when he said it so tried to work out if realistically I could meet someone, but it just isnt possible. Apparently it should be my number one priority though Hmm

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 29/12/2018 16:45

whatasummer. Where's your evidence?
Op your dc will be fine, it not like you live in a seperate society, there are men everywhere.

Popc0rn · 29/12/2018 16:45

Most of the nicest men I know are ones who grew up with either minimal contact with their dad, or none at all.

alwayslearning789 · 29/12/2018 16:47

"I think you can often tell a child whose father hasn't been around from a child whose father has..."

@jarhead123 that's interesting and genuinely curious. Grateful if you could provide more detail around the relevant characteristics.

JacquesHammer · 29/12/2018 16:52

Those of us with professional interest don't

Huh. I’d have thought “those with a professional interest” would be aware of the more up-to-date studies...

AnotherShirtRuined · 29/12/2018 16:53

What children NEED is to be loved and to feel wanted, whether by one or two parents. You friend is being utterly ridiculous, and I say that as someone who waited to have children until later in life to be able to give them a great father rather than purposefully go out and have them on my own.

abcriskringle · 29/12/2018 16:54

Oh good grief. Do you know - my mum raised me on her own (father totally NC, his choice) on a council estate on benefits. And you know what? I had such a happy childhood, my mum was fantastic and we are close to this day. Despite all the statistics and stereotypes, I did very well at school, sixth form and uni. I'm now a teacher and have a Masters degree under my belt too. Also married to a lovely man and we have a baby, own our own home, very comfortable lifestyle. I am very happy. I don't for one moment think the lack of a father did me any harm at all. What bollocks.

Claw001 · 29/12/2018 16:55

Let’s assume you find a ‘father’ and it doesn’t work out, then what? Find another?

Positive role models yes. Replacement ‘fathers’ no.

guacatrole · 29/12/2018 17:00

It's a reasonably modern phenomenon for men to be as hands on as they are.

All of the population managed to get on just fine when long hours followed by a few hours down the pub were common for fathers.

Having two involved parents is great, but it's not necessary. You just need one that gives a shit.

ShinyTooth · 29/12/2018 17:01

I didn't have a Dad really. I missed him if I'm honest.

I did fine, great at school, uni, PhD and career, lots of friends, a lovely home, lovely dc. I have a good relationship with my dMum.

However I have a dh who fathers his dc really well and I can see what I missed.

Life isn't perfect and parents leave, die or get sick and life can nevertheless be great. But I think it's not right to say a child doesn't miss anything by not having a father. It is a special relationship for a child, if good and we shouldn't diminish that to make single mothers feel better.

guacatrole · 29/12/2018 17:02

A child without a father is far more likely to be raised in poverty and therefore have more issues, but as a society we can be mitigating that by not voting tory