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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think children dont “need” a father?

213 replies

CandyCreeper · 29/12/2018 16:10

I am a single mum, ex completely absent through choice. He doesnt see or pay for our children. Ive been single 2 years. I was
speaking to a male acquaintance yesterday who said I should be doing everything possible to find a new partner so that my children have a father figure because its important that children have a father as all
children “need” a father.

Aibu in thinking this is nonsense? I was planning to stay single until my children are atleast teens. (long way to go 😅)

Is he right? Should I be looking to “replace” their father?

OP posts:
wishingitwasfriday · 29/12/2018 21:23

I haven't read the whole thread but these types of thread make me so angry. A child will always flourish in a loving family, ideally with positive male and female role models. But it is also possible for a child to flourish with either male or female role models. Your post makes it sound like men are just sperm donors and nothing more, which, whilst can be the case, is not the norm.

70sbaubles · 29/12/2018 21:25

Many many men are sperm donors only, then move on to the next woman to have sex with.
It isnt surprising thats how op sees men

Original poster
CandyCreeper · 29/12/2018 21:25

My post? well yes my childrens father is basically a sperm donor since he is absent through choice.

OP posts:
CripsSandwiches · 29/12/2018 21:26

I'm pretty sure if you went out of you way to look for a partner you'll soon find someone else to tell you you're selfish and should be concentrating on your kids and not introducing a possibly temporary person into their life.

GenerationSnowflake · 29/12/2018 21:29

Kids suffer just as much from losing a father than losing a mother. It's not ideal to be without a parent either way, but in the same way mother and parent can be abuser. It's better to be happy and safe than stuck with an abuser.

Some fathers are not interested in their children and disappear, some mothers use the kids to score points and torture their ex. It's completely useless to score point against one of the gender. Ideally, kids are better with their mum and dad in a loving house. Captain Obvious!

LRDtheFeministDragon · 29/12/2018 21:34

I came on to read with some interest, but @ohtheroses, I am so sorry to read your post. That must have been so hard.

Aside from that, I think a child needs love, boringly and simply.

Thiswontendwell · 29/12/2018 21:36

No one is the 'key player' by virtue of their gender etc
I don't think there is a 'gold standard'
All loving parents do their best given the hand they are dealt.

My abusive exH disappeared (staggering off drunk essentially) when my children were quite young. They seem to have survived - despite being adopted (and, before anyone asks, I did not realsie the extent of my exH additions problems until after the adoption) and, therefore, carrying a load of baggage from that.
They had good male role models from my lovely father and from various male friends.
My gorgeous DP was the best role model for some years (although NOT a father figure - he judged it very well) but sadly died very suddenly recently. My children were absolutely devastated and both said (unasked) that DP was a better father than exH
BUT
The fact remains that they didn't NEED a 'father' - they needed good role models of all shapes kinds and varieties.
We are back to the three of us - we will do OK.....

rubyslipper1 · 29/12/2018 21:37

The kindest thing a father can do for his children is love their mother .
so if he cant do that well , then hes better out the picture.
I know a few kids with "daddy issues " as the dads are shit and it does affect the kids especially in teens, but equally those kids mothers give them double love and do a great job.
However i do think all kids need both male and female role models.

missymayhemsmum · 29/12/2018 21:39

Says more about your acquaintance's worries about his place in his family than your children's needs.

NameChanger22 · 29/12/2018 21:39

I don't know any positive male role models? Where do you find those in a world full of shit men?

I don't think children need a father. They do need one good parent though.

bourbonbiccy · 29/12/2018 21:39

I think a child needs a loving environment when growing up. I also think it essential a child has positive role models in their lives. Yes I believe a child knowing their parents is a positive, wether they are a healthy enough influence to be involved in their lives, would be based on the individual.

I think having an absent parent (be it mother or father) has an emotional effect on a child, as they question why the parent does not want to be involved in their lives.

I most definitely think finding another relationship to be a "father" to your child is the single most ridiculous idea.

museumum · 29/12/2018 21:40

Not having a father can be problematic for some kids who take it as a reflection of their worth or lovability. No matter how wrong that is. I know people who feel if they’d been “better” their father would be around / wouldn’t have left.
But a step father is not a magic cure for that. In fact it can make things worse.

But yes yes to adults of both sexes in their lives through sport / hobbies / uncles / aunts / family friends.

Thiswontendwell · 29/12/2018 21:42

Blimey
A lot of typos
addition = addictioons
and so on.....

But just to say (and I work in child care) - it drives me potty when people tell me that their horrible abusive exP has a 'right' to see their child - or that their child 'has' to see their abusive parent because they have to have a relationship by virtue of some kind of genetic connection.

I know that this is not politically correct but no they don't.... They will do fine if you give them the love and attention they need. and the lack of seeing a 'blood' relative will not scar them for life.

My two don't care (and I was roundly told off on dear old Mumsnet a few years ago for saying that my DS had NO interest in connecting with his birth family - guess what? He still doesn't...but Im still in denial I guess...….)

CarolDanvers · 29/12/2018 21:48

A bit like mothers then?

But this thread is specifically about fathers.

calmsealife · 29/12/2018 21:50

I think it all depends on the environment a child is brought up in. My DD is 3 and her father isn't involved but she does have male figures around her. I hope this is the case for my little one.

GenerationSnowflake · 29/12/2018 21:51

NameChanger22
You don't know any positive male role models? How sad and how odd. I know plenty. I can just look around my children's friends and their dads. There are some truly great guys around, and some very proud kids of their dads.

My own dad is one of them, and so is my husband funnily enough. I also know some shit individuals who don't deserve their kids, and I can think of a couple of selfish mothers who don't deserve to be called that.

Being female doesn't make you a great parent, and being male doesn't make you a bad one!

roastpotatoesrule · 29/12/2018 21:52

I think really great stepfathers are one thing, but often the step parent relationship is fraught with difficulties. So yes if it was an amazing man, I'm sure you'd be going for it anyway. But other than that I'd say you're better off as you are now, given that the mum and dad ideal relationship ship has already sailed.
Having good role models of either gender must be good for all kids, where that's possible

posthistoricmonsters · 29/12/2018 21:56

Positive role models of all kinds. The more kinds the better. Gay, straight, trans, cis, single, married, old, young..... Whatever. As long as they're positive people.

Reythelastjedi · 29/12/2018 21:57

Same as ShinyTooth, grew up without a dad, thought it was fine. Now I see how much my kids get from their dad I feel completely differently.

sandgrown · 29/12/2018 21:58

Most of the people posting on here know who their fathers are and had some sort of relationship with them. Please do not assume children will be fine when you have no.personal experience. I never knew my biological father and it affected lots of areas of my life though I was born in an era when it was shocking to be a "bastard" . I know some of my friends had difficult relationships with their fathers but how I envied the girls who were loved and supported by their fathers.

Whyyounoeatmypie · 29/12/2018 22:02

Just sending you some support. My dad left my mum when she was pregnant, and she got with my stepdad way too quickly when I was 7 (married without living together, then moved us both into his within 18 months). She bought the 'needs a father' line, rather than the 'would be good to have male role models' line, and it wasn't great. If there aren't any obvipusly great male role models around right now, it's better to keep things as they are and keep dialogue about their dad open until that can shift. You're doing an amazing job in circumstances that are not your fault.

smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 29/12/2018 22:06

I will also add that it depends on the parents not how many of them their are. My DH was adopted by a "lovely" family at a young age and grew up in the country with 2 parents and his biological sister. I won't derail the thread by going into details but they've really don't a number on him.

Charley50 · 29/12/2018 22:08

@sandgrown and @Reythelastjedi - the thing is, everyone is affected differently. I grew up with my dad, but he was abusive. I know 100% that I would have been emotionally better off without him. However if he was never around, I might have missed the fantasy man I had made up in my head, and felt that I was missing out.

Different people do feel things differently. I think a positive approach from the resident parent can make a huge difference as to whether a child with an absent parent feels abandoned by that parent, or not; or whether they feel that parent is lacking something, or if they internalise their hurt and 'blame' themselves.

I really wonder what percentage of men are 'good enough' parents actually, whether resident or not.

vuripadexo · 29/12/2018 22:13

Another possibility is that children born to unmarried mothers face more instability in family structure and that this instability results in worse outcomes for the child. In recent years, the focus of social science research has been less on the absence of a father and more on how family instability affects children. In fact, stable single-parent families in which a child does not experience the constant comings and goings of new boyfriends (or girlfriends) or the addition of new half siblings have begun to look like a better environment than “musical” parenthood

www.brookings.edu/opinions/are-children-raised-with-absent-fathers-worse-off/

Better to have no one than men in and out of the house. Honestly once their biological father is gone, it's mostly better to remain single.

sahknowme · 29/12/2018 22:29

A male role model doesn't have to be your partner/boyfriend/husband.