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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think children dont “need” a father?

213 replies

CandyCreeper · 29/12/2018 16:10

I am a single mum, ex completely absent through choice. He doesnt see or pay for our children. Ive been single 2 years. I was
speaking to a male acquaintance yesterday who said I should be doing everything possible to find a new partner so that my children have a father figure because its important that children have a father as all
children “need” a father.

Aibu in thinking this is nonsense? I was planning to stay single until my children are atleast teens. (long way to go 😅)

Is he right? Should I be looking to “replace” their father?

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 30/12/2018 11:34

yawn, here are the usual harpies who can't see past their own little agenda

Wow. Original.

People are making a point that ideally children would have BOTH parents, in a loving home. Yes, they do need both a mother and a father, but sometimes people die, people run away and some parents are utter shit

Haven’t disagreed

My children NEED their father. If the worst would happen, we would all survive, but that doesn't change the fact that we don't all want a man-free world

My child has a loving and engaged father. That doesn’t change the point that a positive male role model doesn’t have to be a father. If you see that as “man-hating” then that’s extremely sad for you.

70sbaubles · 30/12/2018 11:39

Yes it's better if a child has a good involved father of course it is.
However we live in a world of shit men and loads of kids don't have that. Culturally it is necessary that we don't need men and women can raise children themselves because that's what happens a LOT of the time. Men are more bothered about the next person to have sex with and the children of that person, than their own. They don't pay for their children. They often let them down and don't see them. Aside the fact that most perps of DV towards women and children ARE men.
So whilst NAMALT, LOADS are, and because of that children are better off without such fathers, than with.
So no they don't need a dad. But it is nice if they get a good one.
My ex is an utter cunt and I left him when mine were little, he lived abroad. They were only aware he lived abroad, and accepted they never saw him. I gave him another chance after he whinged about needing to be a father, and guess what? He was shit, shouted, hit, and was basically an utter cunt. They are more damaged from that 3 months than from 8 years of never knowing more than a photo. So no, I think in my case having no dad was better than having a dad and I think children who have single mothers are better off as at least they get the full attention of one parent.

Canibuildasnowman · 30/12/2018 11:42

YANBU. Our kid’s have 2 mums. They also have great role models within our wider family and friends groups, male and female. That’s what they need, not some random bloke parachuted in to be a ‘dad’ to them IMHO...

Canibuildasnowman · 30/12/2018 11:43

I should add I absolutely do NOT want a ‘man free world’ . I know some lovely men, my father, FIL and BIL included as well as some very close male friends. Doesn’t mean that every kid ‘needs’ a dad though...

Kokeshi123 · 30/12/2018 11:44

Noting that the children of single parent families tend to have (on average) different and worse outcomes does not prove that it is the absence of the father that causes this. Children born through sperm donation appear to do about as well as children from two-parent families of similar income levels, and have little in common with single-parent families.

A more likely factor behind the struggles of many kids of absent fathers is that you are more likely to do badly in school/work/life if you have inherited 50% of your DNA from the kind of man who does not take responsibility for his children, or 100% of your DNA from the kind of people who are more likely to form unsuccessful relationships or get pregnant without forming a relationship at all.

While I would be the first to emphasize that all kinds of people can potentially end up as single parents, people's chances of ending up in this position are going to be higher if they have traits like being flakey, disorganized, making impulsive decisions, being poor with money or self-control and so on. Twin and adoption studies are pretty clear that all personality traits are at least partly heritable.

Abra1de · 30/12/2018 11:59

There is absolutely no doubt that both my children have benefited enormously from the active and loving presence of their father in their lives.

My daughter is very attuned to the qualities she wants in boyfriends and male friends, and goes for kind, encouraging men, who support her.

My son has learnt that ‘real’ men don’t act abusively to their partners and treat them with respect.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 30/12/2018 12:03

I grew up without a father or a father figure and while I still think two loving and engaged parents is the ideal (and which my children fortunately have), some of the damage I've seen friends suffer as a result of paternal fuckwittery makes me think an absent father is better than a bad father.

Whowouldathunkit · 30/12/2018 12:39

It's NOT your decision to make. You AREN'T the one who has to grow up without a father.

But feel free to impose YOUR ideas on others.

A child doesn't "need" a mother either. But ask anybody who has a good, healthy relationship with their father, if they would have preferred he didn't exist, see what the answers would be.

JacquesHammer · 30/12/2018 12:49

*It's NOT your decision to make. You AREN'T the one who has to grow up without a father.

But feel free to impose YOUR ideas on others*

Seems like it’s the ex who has imposed HIS ideas by making himself absent through his choice...

MyNameHasBeenTaken · 30/12/2018 13:00

I guess it depends on the adults.
I am single mum to 2 kids.
Ex left me while I was in hospital having dc2.
I often get compliments on my dcs manners/behaviour.
Kids and ex would not recognise each other if passed in the street now.
Teen ds might recognise ex, but would probably ignore him.

I offer to take kids to meet ex somewhere every school holiday. Ds says something along the lines of "you won't even get me in the car. I'm not wasting my time with that loser. He hasn't even sent me a text in the last 2 years. Not even for my birthday."

But on the other hand, My dad was a single dad to me and my sister. I turned out fairly normal!
On the few occasions my mum visited us, she barged in and tried to tidy our rooms by Binning all our favourite toys...
We were not impressed by that.

Now, as adults, we muddle along ok.

A safe, stable home is more important than
"Mummy" and "daddy"

alwayslearning789 · 30/12/2018 13:22

Children do need their fathers, not disputing that. However, hard statistics clearly show who sticks around to Actually bring up the kids when the going gets a little tough.... And that's what Actually matters.

Reality is, it's the mothers who bear the brunt of childrearing, whether inside or outside of the ideal 2 parent scenario.

I hastily add, not taking away from the wonderful men out there stepping up to the plate and all, but Mum's are mostly the centre of it.

Here's hoping the modern men that we are raising, with all these wonderful discussions we are having, will change this and we have more of the good ones influencing the hard statistics.

BanginChoons · 30/12/2018 13:25

He said if his partner was to die the first thing he would do was seek out a mother for his child as its extremely important and he doesnt get why single mothers dont do the same it should be a priority to find a man who can fulfill the father role apparently.

In my experience, some men are intimidated by the single woman who manages to work, run her household and raise her children single handedly. Him trying to guilt you into "needing" a man, says more about him than it does about you.
It sounds like you are managing just fine and putting your children first. Keep on doing what you're doing. There will come a time when you have more freedom to go out, and in the meantime enjoy the safe, secure, happy home you have created for your children.

teenagetantrums · 30/12/2018 13:29

I have been a single mum for many years. My kids both early 20s now. Thier dad never paid a penny and when they became difficult teens stopped seeing them my son speaks to his dad. My daughter not at all. They both good kids plenty of good role models. So no kids do not need a father. They need love and a good family life.

MyNameHasBeenTaken · 30/12/2018 13:36

Teenagetantrums
I think you said in a few lines what I tried to say in pages of waffle!

Bunbunbunny · 30/12/2018 13:41

A child needs at least one loving parent, in my case that was my DF. If I had been raised by just my mother I don't think I'd still be here. My life would have been so much better if my df had divorced her early & been a single parent.

Not all mothers are nurturing some are plain vile and cruel. There seems to be this belief that women make better parents simply because they give birth but the truth is there is good & bad in everyone and not everyone is cut out to be a parent.

ChristmasSprite · 30/12/2018 14:17

Shame to skew the view in the wrong direction that would be wrong wouldn't it, bearing in mind its MEN that are responsible for the vast killing spree on women and DC.

Also, one loving parent is all, whoever that person is (in the main that's women/mothers that stick with their DC throughout everything/come hell or high water).

One person that loves, shows affection and understanding and disciplines properly.

A person that does this exposes DC to good role models, regardless of sex.

This person could be an aunt or friend.

Expatworkingmum · 30/12/2018 15:57

@AnotherShirtRuined I agree. I don’t think it’s correct to say kids ‘NEED’ male/female role models. It’s a nice to have and may indeed be beneficial. But need? No. They need love from whoever is their guardian(s), be that one person or more.

(And I am in a very happy marriage with a man who is a wonderful father).

Expatworkingmum · 30/12/2018 15:59

(Sorry, didn’t see it was such a long thread and others had already said this).

notacooldad · 30/12/2018 16:04

My view is that a child needs a consistent care give in their life whether it is a mum, dad, or other guardian for attachment and bonding.
In your situation it sounds like you are doing fine.
Sure it will be good to have positive male role models in their life ( who don't have daft views like your friend) but they don't need a replacement father.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 30/12/2018 16:30

What is utterly tiresome is when an OP posts about a specific situation, and within minutes we have “NAMALT, NAMALT” with a few choruses “but what about crap mums” thrown in for good measure.

Well maybe if certain posters did not constantly project their own prejudices / casual misandry onto threads they would not get called out on it. To me it is no different to the sort of crap you get on MRA sites. The thrust of the discussion on here has for the best part has been interesting with various opinions aired with I think many people on the same page at least.

JacquesHammer · 30/12/2018 16:33

Well maybe if certain posters did not constantly project their own prejudices / casual misandry onto threads they would not get called out on it

“A good male role model doesn’t need to be a father” is neither of those things.

Original poster
CandyCreeper · 30/12/2018 17:13

*It's NOT your decision to make. You AREN'T the one who has to grow up without a father.

But feel free to impose YOUR ideas on others. *

My ex made the decision actually, He has seen his 20 month old daughter THREE times in her life! Thats a decision he made.

OP posts:
Valanice1989 · 30/12/2018 18:51

Here's hoping the modern men that we are raising, with all these wonderful discussions we are having, will change this and we have more of the good ones influencing the hard statistics.

I don't think that's likely. There's a move towards promoting polyamory nowadays. I think that will result in it becoming more, not less, socially acceptable for parents (especially men) to take responsibility for their children. If a man has children all over the place by different women, how much attention is he realistically going to give them all? How is he going to provide for them? (I know that this sort of thing already happens, but now that it's being normalised it will become more and more commonplace.)

Valanice1989 · 30/12/2018 18:53

Better to have no one than men in and out of the house. Honestly once their biological father is gone, it's mostly better to remain single.

I agree. One of the most dangerous things that can happen to a child is to have a man who isn't biologically related to them move into their home.

ssd · 30/12/2018 18:56

of course kids need their dad

different if he's abusive/violent etc, then they are better off without him, same as they are better off without their mum is she was abusive/violent

but all kids would say they'd want a decent mum and dad if possible, if it isnt I'm sure they would cope but prob better if they didnt have to