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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

. . . to want to know where he is?

217 replies

AmINormalOrInsecure · 19/12/2018 09:21

DH stays away overnight regularly for work, which sometimes is difficult for me as my ex partner used working away as an opportunity to cheat. When I discovered this, it had a fairly cataclysmic effect on me; I was devastated and struggled to trust DH when we first started going out.

I worked hard to give DH the respect and freedom he deserves, and for the most part, I handle his absences quite well, with the occasional wobble. The agreement is that if he's out drinking and socialising, he'll let me know where he is and (broadly-speaking) who he's with (as in, a large group or just a one-to-one), and then he'll message me once he's back at his hotel and going to bed.

For context, DH had a lot of one-night stands before he met me and his work nights out always seem to be full of scandal, so there's temptation there. He has cheated on a previous partner.

Last night was his Christmas do - he sent a message at 8.30pm and then nothing at all until 1.30am after I'd sent him a message prompting him to get in touch. I still have no idea where he was, who he was with, what time he got back to his hotel etc. I feel upset about this as it feels as if he didn't follow through on his promise to keep in touch.

I recognise that my feelings are about the past and not DH. But I feel that he should have followed through on his agreement to reassure me, because he loves me and I'd absolutely do it for him (in fact I'd do a lot more if he needed reassurance).

AIBU? I am, aren't I?

OP posts:
TinkerSpy · 19/12/2018 09:31

I totally understand why you're feeling the way you are, with your past - but I've also been the other side (insecure partner, now an ex) and constantly reassuring them gets exhausting.

First it's a few texts, then phone calls, in the end it wore me down because I thought 'well, you either trust me or you don't'.

I felt that it wasn't my place to 'prove' I was up to no good, when I was just having a good night out!

If this is an ongoing issue and you have no reason to not trust your DH, I'd consider getting some help for your self-esteem so it doesn't sour your relationship, if it's an otherwise happy one!

TinkerSpy · 19/12/2018 09:34

And self-esteem is win-win - if he's not cheating then GREAT, healthier relationship. But if at some point he did find out he was - well, with all that healthy self-esteem you'll be stronger in yourself to leave him and get on with your life!

Focus on you. :)

BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones · 19/12/2018 09:40

Texting at 8.30 then again at 1.30 is keeping in touch on a night out.

This really is about you and not about him at all.

Constantly having to reassure your partner because of something a previous partner did is exhausting and no way to live.

Original poster
AmINormalOrInsecure · 19/12/2018 09:42

Hi @TinkerSpy - thank you, and I agree with your self-esteem advice. I do think I'm pretty much there; my disappointment is more focused on the fact that we had an agreement, which he then ignored. This happens fairly regularly - each time he promises he'll remember to text me on his next night out, and I feel like the message has finally hit home, but then it happens again.

To be clear, I don't expect more than a "hi, a group of us are at (xyz) pub, love you" - I don't need constant messages or for him to phone me. I have my own life to live!

It's almost a point of principle now. Don't I have a right to know where my husband is and who he's with when he stays away from home? Out of courtesy and respect? I always volunteer that information even if I'm just out for the evening, never mind staying away.

OP posts:
Itsyersel · 19/12/2018 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PickledChutney · 19/12/2018 09:45

So, all you want is for him to text you his location and who he’s with? Seems totally unnecessary as the information he provides could be a total lie anyway - you wouldn’t know any different either way so why bother? Choose to trust your DH or it will affect your relationship.

NerrSnerr · 19/12/2018 09:45

I also think a message at 8.30 and 1.30 is keeping in touch. If he's going to cheat he'll do it whether he's sending the occasional text or not.

GhostSauce · 19/12/2018 09:47

But he did keep in contact, at the beginning and end of the night?

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 19/12/2018 09:47

Of course he ‘agrees’ to text you because he knows you’ll harass him/get upset or angry or in a mood with him if he doesn’t.

He text you twice; once would be enough. It’s not fair to put so much emotional turmoil on him when he’s just going for a night out. He’s trying to have fun and feeling obligated to you will make him feel resentful.

YABVU. These issues are yours and you should work on them yourself, not drag him into them. Either you trust him or you don’t; a text isn’t going to make a jot of difference. He could be texting you while shagging for all you know.

PatriciaHolm · 19/12/2018 09:48

But you knew where he was and who he was with - at his works Christmas bash with his works colleagues.

You don't need any more than that. And to be brutally honest - if he was having an affair, he could easily lie anyway.

Have you sought any help for your anxiety?

luckylavender · 19/12/2018 09:51

I've been married to my husband for 27 years - no way would either of us accept this level of control. You'll push him away if you carry on - self fulfilling prophecy.

LuluBellaBlue · 19/12/2018 09:54

But he DID text at 8.30pm? What did his message say?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 19/12/2018 09:54

How long have you been with DH?

To be honest, I think he's been really patient and indulged your anxiety for quite a while. It's a nonsensical anxiety anyway - you don't trust him not to cheat without these messages, but you trust him to tell you the truth in those messages.

I've been on the other side of this too; having to update people about my plans and when I get home. It was always presented as letting him know that I'd got home safely; but really it was his way of making sure I was thinking about him. We both knew he'd be in an anxious state until I'd told him I was home, which put a lot of pressure on me to be home early and keep him informed. He should have just trusted me, he had no reason not to.

Your DH did fulfil most of your criteria last night. You knew he was at his Christmas party, you know he got home at 1:30. That's all you really need.

Have you had any counselling about your previous relationship, or help for your anxiety if it's wider than this? That could be invaluable to you. There really is no relationship if there's no trust.

Kittenrush · 19/12/2018 09:55

This really doesn’t sound healthy at all. It sounds like you need some counselling to help you get over the previous cheating. Either you trust him or you don’t.
I generally do know where my husband is a lot of the time, not because I expect or demand it but because we just naturally talk about things. This sounds a bit more forced and controlling.

Original poster
AmINormalOrInsecure · 19/12/2018 09:55

Thanks for replies, everyone - I guess I have to accept I'm being unreasonable. Although I feel very sad now - I honestly thought it was okay to want to know where he is given that London is a big place. The texts at 8.30pm and 1.30pm were minimal and he ignored my earlier "whereabouts are you" question.

I feel like not bothering to tell him where I am and who I'm with when I'm out now, but I feel like that would be disrespectful. I can't work out why that only applies one-way though.

OP posts:
araiwa · 19/12/2018 09:56

He was at his xmas party with people from work- i know that and hes not my dh!

He text you twice

What promise has he broken?? You knew where he was, who with and he texted you twice...

HollyBollyBooBoo · 19/12/2018 09:58

Honestly for he sake of your marriage you need to get over this. It's really controlling and no one wants to feel like their wife is their jailer.

ladybee28 · 19/12/2018 09:59

It's almost a point of principle now. Don't I have a right to know where my husband is and who he's with when he stays away from home? Out of courtesy and respect?

No, you don't. Not unless in your vows you promised to 'stalk, track and possess.'

my disappointment is more focused on the fact that we had an agreement, which he then ignored..... The agreement is that if he's out drinking and socialising, he'll let me know where he is and (broadly-speaking) who he's with (as in, a large group or just a one-to-one), and then he'll message me once he's back at his hotel and going to bed.

So you knew he was out for a Christmas do and with his work colleagues (broadly speaking), and before he'd got back to his hotel and got ready for bed, you texted him asking where he is.

So who broke the agreement? You sure it wasn't actually you?

DixieTrix · 19/12/2018 09:59

This would drive me nuts..

TheRedFox · 19/12/2018 09:59

Relationships are all about trust.

From what you say it appears that you don't trust him due to your previous experiences. That is your issue to resolve as if you don't, you will start to undermine and destroy your relationship.

To be fair I think the information you're asking for is usually shared between partners - "I won't be in for dinner tonight as I'm out for drinks with X" - but I think the way in which you're asking for it comes across as controlling - or for him to message you throughout the evening with updates. You should both be able to have nights out without constantly checking in with the other.

If he hasn't done anything to undermine your trust so far then treat him how he deserves to be treated.

veggiepigsinpastryblankets · 19/12/2018 10:00

If he wants to cheat he'll cheat - a few text messages won't stop that and if he's really determined then he'd surely be more likely to text a lie to cover up his absence than not text at all. If you've had a few drinks and are having a good night out it's really hard to keep track of constant text messages, particularly when you have nothing to say other than "still in pub, not shagging anyone".

Either you need to trust him, or if you really believe he's so untrustworthy he needs constant reminders not to cheat on you then break up. Constantly monitoring him will only make you unhappy and it's no way to live. I am speaking from experience!

skippy67 · 19/12/2018 10:00

But you knew where he was and who he was with didn't you?

Celebelly · 19/12/2018 10:01

I'm not sure why you need to know what pub he is in, etc. When I go out, we often move from pub to pub anyway. I wouldn't be texting my partner to tell him every new venue we were in!

If he's going to cheat on you, he'll do it whether or whether not he's texting you telling you where he is. You either trust or you don't.

RangeRider · 19/12/2018 10:01

The agreement is that if he's out drinking and socialising, he'll let me know where he is and (broadly-speaking) who he's with (as in, a large group or just a one-to-one), and then he'll message me once he's back at his hotel and going to bed.
But he's done this!!! He texted at 8.30pm, you knew he was out with work for their Xmas do, and he texted you when he was back. You can't expect him to be constantly checking his phone for messages from you - he'd done what he'd said and should have then been allowed to enjoy himself. It would be damn annoying for his workmates if he had to keep looking at his phone and sending you texts, and not fair on him either. He's kept to the bargain, you can't ask for more.

Ethel80 · 19/12/2018 10:01

This isn't healthy, you don't need to know where he is and who he is with. I don't think your husband is actually helping you by indulging this anxiety you have.

What about when you decide that the text updates aren't enough or he isn't complying. Video chats, phone tracking?

I can absolutely understand how you feel and why but this is your stuff to deal with and not his and you risk really fucking up this relationship if you can't move past your fears. It's a horrible feeling not to be trusted.

Can you seek some help?

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