. . . to want to know where he is?

[AmINormalOrInsecure]

DH stays away overnight regularly for work, which sometimes is difficult for me as my ex partner used working away as an opportunity to cheat. When I discovered this, it had a fairly cataclysmic effect on me; I was devastated and struggled to trust DH when we first started going out.

I worked hard to give DH the respect and freedom he deserves, and for the most part, I handle his absences quite well, with the occasional wobble. The agreement is that if he's out drinking and socialising, he'll let me know where he is and (broadly-speaking) who he's with (as in, a large group or just a one-to-one), and then he'll message me once he's back at his hotel and going to bed.

For context, DH had a lot of one-night stands before he met me and his work nights out always seem to be full of scandal, so there's temptation there. He has cheated on a previous partner.

Last night was his Christmas do - he sent a message at 8.30pm and then nothing at all until 1.30am after I'd sent him a message prompting him to get in touch. I still have no idea where he was, who he was with, what time he got back to his hotel etc. I feel upset about this as it feels as if he didn't follow through on his promise to keep in touch.

I recognise that my feelings are about the past and not DH. But I feel that he should have followed through on his agreement to reassure me, because he loves me and I'd absolutely do it for him (in fact I'd do a lot more if he needed reassurance).

AIBU? I am, aren't I?

Argh. This is a difficult one. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a partner to be expected to give their DP a rough idea of where they are and say when they’re safely back at the hotel. Me and DH do this purely for safety reasons - men can be attacked and stabbed and robbed too. And heaven forbid something like the London Bridge attacks happened, it would save you an awful lot of worry if you knew he was in Kew or safely back at his hotel.

But you’ve told him it’s because you don’t trust him and that’s a problem.

You need therapy, a text before bed is fine but having to message where you are is controlling. I understand why you are acting this way but it doesn't make it ok.
Also don't use the excuse of 'it's because we had an agreement'... no it's not, it's because you're paranoid

And this is a lesson in why not to post a relationship issue in AIBU. Because people just love to take the opportunity to tell posters they are being.

Clearly this isn't really - or at least just about - making contact on a night out. That's the symptom of other issues in the OP's relationship; most of which are her own. But it also sounds like some of which are his, too.

If you have the hide for it, I'd re-post on the wider issues in the relationship forum, where you'll get people much more willing to be sensitive and pick up on the nuances, rather than piling on to put the boot in.

Because the 'you're a controlling freak of nature who needs to sort herself out or you'll lose your man' approach isn't all that helpful.

You don't have a right to know where your husband is. That's just unhealthy. And if he wanted to cheat he could bin you off anyhow. Go and get some therapy op before you sabotage your relationship. Take care

Do you trust him? You either do or don’t? Text can be sent from anywhere and in any situation. I could say that I am on a beach overlooking the Pacific and drinking delicious mojitos. I’m not, I’m on my sofa in the midlands wearing cheap pyjamas... texts lie. Trust or do not.

Neither I, nor DH would tolerate this. I actually think he'd laugh. He's out now and if I asked who he was with, where and when he would be back I think he'd be like, "What? Don't you trust me?"

You said this, which explains a lot:

The honest answer is, if he said he was with a woman in a hotel bar, I'd feel a lot more anxious than if he said he were out with a big group somewhere.

I feel for you but you do not trust this man. I'd trust DH with anyone. He has morals of his own. They're not imposed by my expectations of him.

Worrel I get he was at a works do but instead of texting her at 1.30 to say he's back at the hotel why not a quick phone call to say night, love you. Just as easy

He was still out partying when she texted him. He didn't get the chance to get back to the hotel before she texted him.

I'm sure that phoning your wife in the wee hours when pissed to say "I love you" is the thing that is hammered into most blokes to not do.....

OMG that is crazy, you need to learn to trust him or move on! My DH works away every other week and I maybe speak to him once or twice. He is really busy and so am I, I wouldn't even think to check where he was or who he was with because I trust him. If I phone him and he doesn't answer he is either busy, in a meeting or can't talk, he will get back to me when he can which will probably be the next day.

Hmm, I think you're getting a bit of a hard time, OP. I don't think you sound controlling or unhinged or whatever, but I do think it sounds as though you and your DH are not really on the same page here.

I'm quite bemused by some of the comments by pp that they and their husbands never bother to make contact with each other at all, sometimes for days on end. If I or my DH were out for the night or away from home, we would text or call regularly, not because we live in each other's pockets or don't trust each other but just by way of touching base and maintaining interest in what each other is up to - in the same way we might recount a conversation or describe a night out after the event. To me, that's quite normal, because it's the way we've always behaved with each other, and tbh I wouldn't want to bother with all the stresses and downsides of a relationship with someone who didn't enjoy this as one of the upsides. But clearly others here conduct things differently, and that's normal for them, and completely fine as long as everyone's happy.

Your problem is that you're wanting one thing, and your DH, while he's gone along with it for a while, apparently doesn't feel the same way. I think there's something to what you say that he seems to have started using low-level 'non-compliance' as a way actually to be a bit controlling back, so it seems like he experiences it as controlling even if that wasn't your intention originally. I think you really need to talk honestly about the dynamic this is causing in your relationship. Neither of you is in the wrong imo, but I think without some good communication, it could drive a wedge between you that ends up fucking everything up.

Honestly you’ve had a hard time here OP for no good reason. Really just ignore. You sound as if you are very aware that you are over sensitive, and why, however you are not then acting out on this and controlling or over pestering your DP.

Posters aren’t even reading your post.

• You asked for a couple of messages. Very reasonable. He didn’t do that. He was evasive on the first one and didn’t bother to send another so you had to.
• you did not say you wanted a blow by blow account. Just roughly who he is with, where he’s going.
• that he text when he gets back.

It’s fine to expect this I think.

One or two things to watch out for though, your trust should be getting better over time. It’s fine for your D.P. to forget without a huge reaction from you. You should be going out yourself, being with others and feeling more confident without him. That’s very good for you and will probably help him to realize more than any chats why it’s good to be a little considerate of each other.

I don't want to give you a hard time OP but I've been on the receiving end of this and it's frustrating and exhausting. I lost patience in the end. I sympathise with your DH. I don't mean to be unkind but I'd hate for your behaviour to push him away when it's obvious that you love him.

I went out on my Xmas do last week - I didn’t text my wife once, why would I?

We had a short text exchange just before I left work and my next text to her was at 7.30 the following morning :)

What evidence/security does him texting you at the agreed time give you? Some people go to massive lengths to hide a double life, he could be texting you from any woman's bed whilst she's in the bathroom or whatever.

I don't think he is btw! But a text doesn't prove or disprove anything does it?

Thank you @PinaColada1 and @MattFreisCheekyDimples and all those who have been a little gentler in their replies - I really appreciate the kinder approach! Some of the responses have been brutal - for some people it's almost a badge of honour that they wouldn't even think of contacting their DP if they were staying away from home . . . but as a couple of people have pointed out, if both parties are happy with the status quo then that's fine, whatever it may be; DH and I have different expectations so we do have to work on it. Well, me moreso than him, given that it's primarily my issue.

I'll get there . . . I'm much better than I used to be, so there's definitely an upwards trend; I just think some difficult events recently have dented my progress and I regressed a little. It's been a difficult couple of months, for many reasons.

Thanks again, everyone. Controlling psycho signing off 😄

The texts at 8.30pm and 1.30pm were minimal and he ignored my earlier "whereabouts are you" question

Having a previous bad experience is making you anxious, I understand. But If I was out with my friends and dh knew I was going out with my friends, or even with just one friend, I wouldn't expect, nor have I ever had a text 'whereabouts are you?' unless I'd previously texted to ask him to pick me up. That's the only reason he'd need to know exactly where I am. Also, I have a friend who constantly has to respond to texts from her dh while she's out with us. It's rude and it's irritating to keep getting your phone out. (Maybe that's just me though as I'm well past 40) If he texted you at 8.30pm and then 1.30pm that's pretty attentive in my book. Maybe they were short because the first one he was with his mates, and the second one he was drunk or knackered and wanted to sleep.
I'd imagine the relationship is quite new, but you say 'dh' so you are an established married couple.

As pps have pointed out, he could be sending you long descriptive loving texts every hour on the hour and still be somewhere he shouldn't. Without mincing any more words, if he's going to cheat he'll cheat regardless of whether or not he texts you.
It's fairly high maintenance to need more than two texts from a partner who's out on a xmas do with mates (unless you have a sick child or go into labour or any other ongoing domestic difficulty)
If none of these apply, you're being a bit unreasonable and it puts pressure on him that is most likely unnecessary. (And would apply equally the other way around}
My dh regularly works away and is at this moment somewhere in London having a 'team' celebration and staying in a hotel in Westfield.
I haven't heard from him since I dropped him at the railway station this morning. He might be pissed by now in a pub, or maybe eating in a restaurant, or heaven forbid, it's all a cover-up and he's having unabandoned sex in some hotel with a colleague.
No amount of me texting him or him texting me is going to change that. (Although I doubt that the sex thing is happening, because I trust him) And if my trust is misplaced then I'm going to find out sooner or later. But having me constantly needing updates about where he is and what he's doing is going to piss him off a bit and perhaps make him wonder why all his mates are not having similar texts from their significant others.

You would do it for him, you say. But he doesn't need you to tell him where you are all of the time you are out. He doesn't need the reassurance. 'You' read this as him not caring. When, in reality, it's because he trusts you. You are his wife, his partner in life, an adult person whom he trusts. That's the norm in a marriage. He knows you won't do anything to hurt him so he doesn't worry.

On the other hand, you 'do' worry that he'll do something to hurt you.
And therein lies your problem. You have to fix it so you trust him and don't need constant reassurance. That's beyond my remit. You either get there or you don't.

I hate this ‘let me know you’re home safe’ nonsense

Bugger. I do this to my daughter all the time when she's doing something on my list of 'dangerous things to do' . E.g. A works night out. I know she's a grown up and I KNOW she has a fiancé, but after two glasses of wine she's mullered. I need to know she's in or about her bed at 2 ay em.

I might even be the subject of an interfering MIL thread.
Still. It's a great relief to hear she's home and in bed.

Apart from that I'm a great mil. I'm paying for the wedding so they have to be nice to me :)

After being cheated on three times in long term relationships in the past, I made a conscious decision when I met my (now) dh and made sure i was up front from the start. He has a choice. If he decides the grass is greener, he goes. No messing, no angst, no deception, no negotiation, no counselling, off you trot. I only want to be with a man who wants to be with me. The days of counting condoms, checking phones, peeping through pub windows and car spotting are over. I cannot and will not go through that again and I will not destroy my pride and self esteem by doing so.
As a result, he generally calls me when he is away on business at least once a day if not twice. I do not ask him, I do not assume he will. I do not worry about if he is away with a group that includes women. As I say, he has a choice. It would devastate me if he were to stray but he would be gone, along with my trust and any hope of seeing ourselves grow old (er) together.
It is a revelation and has changed my life. Although it seems harsh to some people and we have kids, I will never stay with a man when the love and respect is one sided.
If you don't change your desire to micromanage his life, you will lose him. What you are doing is needy and is tiresome hence he switches off when out. You are not top, front and centre in his mind when he goes out for a drink with his mates or colleagues.
It is polite and considerate to let your loved one know you are safe or about your change of plans but so you don't worry rather than as fodder for paranoia.
Your post indicates that you have trust issues. You. Now you need to decide what you are going to do about it.

If you don't change your desire to micromanage his life, you will lose him. What you are doing is needy and is tiresome hence he switches off when out. You are not top, front and centre in his mind when he goes out for a drink with his mates or colleagues

And nor should you expect to be.. He is doing his own thing. He is not cheating on you, he is just being himself and having some fun with his mates. Having to respond to texts from her indoors takes away from the very limited fun he can have.

Hw much fun can it be when you have to report back to a 'where are you?' text? He must feel like a proper wuss. 'I'm just texting my wife to tell her exactly where I am'

Does he really deserve that sort of micromanagement?

Bugger. I do this to my daughter all the time when she's doing something on my list of 'dangerous things to do' . E.g. A works night out. I know she's a grown up and I KNOW she has a fiancé, but after two glasses of wine she's mullered. I need to know she's in or about her bed at 2 ay em.

SilverTray No, you don’t need to know anything, and she shouldn’t entertain your insanities.

I might even be the subject of an interfering MIL thread.

You already will be.

Apart from that I'm a great mil.

Yes, apart from being insecure, controlling, obsessive, paranoid, overbearing, interfering and selfish, you’re lovely. Who wouldn’t want a mother(-in-law) like you?

I'm paying for the wedding so they have to be nice to me

No, they don’t have to do anything. You shouldn’t be using financial means to try and control your daughter and her partner.

Do you know what you do at Christmas parties? You get drunk, and you engage with your colleagues as mates who have a lot in common and know a lot about each other as you see each other for at least 8 hours a day every day. You party, you chat, you laugh, you bitch about the boss etc.
I would not be checking in with my husband on the hour, every hour. He could fuck right off if he demanded that of me because of someone else previously cheating on him. That's HIS issue.
YABU. Very unreasonable. He replied to say he's probably going home soon.

Leave him alone for one night of the year at least where he doesn't have to report into HQ about his whereabouts.
You will drive him away.
I wouldn't put up with it. And it won't take long before he says 'Fuck this shit' either.

Bugger. I do this to my daughter all the time when she's doing something on my list of 'dangerous things to do' . E.g. A works night out. I know she's a grown up and I KNOW she has a fiancé, but after two glasses of wine she's mullered. I need to know she's in or about her bed at 2 ay em.

If it works for you and your daughter, then no problems there. Everyone is different, I’m not judging. But... don’t you see, when you stand back for a second, how OTT and weird it is to require that your grown adult child message you in the early hours of the morning just to put your own anxieties at ease? You don’t think it’s a bit odd that she can go on something as routine as a night out, getting drunk and all, and when she gets home she has to keep it in her mind to message you? No matter how tired or drunk?

That seems very controlling to me and very odd between grown adults. Maybe she likes it, maybe she’s humouring you, but from the sound of it you don’t give her much choice: ‘I need to know’: no, you don’t need to know. You’re putting the responsibility for easing your anxiety onto her. I would think my dad had lost his mind if he’d expected me to send him a ‘home safe!’ message after anything!

It can be a nice thing to do if it’s voluntary and both parties enjoy just touching base after an event to say goodnight, but dressing it up as ‘so I know you’re safe’ is just nuts, she’s been on a night out, not to fight Isis in Syria. I would feel so suffocated and like my parent didnt trust me as a competent adult if he asked that of me.

There are other ways to deal with anxiety you know! Please don’t tell me you lie awake waiting for the text.

I wasn’t sure if you meant your daughter or daughter in law SilverySurfer with your mention of being a MIL.

Just seen the post you made WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue, you tiptoed round a lot less than me but you’ve said it all and I agree 100%. No doubt you’ll say you’re joking Silvery, but paying for their wedding doesn’t mean you get to exert additional control over grown adults. Many a couple have said ‘fine, screw your cash we’ll do it cheap alone’ when they’ve discovered a ‘kind gift’ of money for a wedding actually comes with a thousand controlling strings!

Sorry, should have tagged SilverTray not surfer.

Reading OPs first 3 posts, there are some very controlling, manipulating and gas lighting signals.