. . . to want to know where he is?

[AmINormalOrInsecure]

DH stays away overnight regularly for work, which sometimes is difficult for me as my ex partner used working away as an opportunity to cheat. When I discovered this, it had a fairly cataclysmic effect on me; I was devastated and struggled to trust DH when we first started going out.

I worked hard to give DH the respect and freedom he deserves, and for the most part, I handle his absences quite well, with the occasional wobble. The agreement is that if he's out drinking and socialising, he'll let me know where he is and (broadly-speaking) who he's with (as in, a large group or just a one-to-one), and then he'll message me once he's back at his hotel and going to bed.

For context, DH had a lot of one-night stands before he met me and his work nights out always seem to be full of scandal, so there's temptation there. He has cheated on a previous partner.

Last night was his Christmas do - he sent a message at 8.30pm and then nothing at all until 1.30am after I'd sent him a message prompting him to get in touch. I still have no idea where he was, who he was with, what time he got back to his hotel etc. I feel upset about this as it feels as if he didn't follow through on his promise to keep in touch.

I recognise that my feelings are about the past and not DH. But I feel that he should have followed through on his agreement to reassure me, because he loves me and I'd absolutely do it for him (in fact I'd do a lot more if he needed reassurance).

AIBU? I am, aren't I?

I don't know. I guess I just feel that if DH says he's happy to let me know which part of London he's in, and who he's with, but when the time comes actually won't, it almost feels as if he's being a little controlling himself.

Of course he's going to nod and agree to your ridiculous demands. I expect that's to avoid the mother of all rows, but that doesn't mean he's happy to do it.

I'm sorry but this problem is yours to own, not his.

You have huge trust issues but you chose to marry (and therefore I assume) to trust him.

it almost feels as if he's being a little controlling himself.

He's not.

He's not perfect, so I help him. I'm not perfect so I ask for help from him. Sadly I'm starting to think the accommodations made are all one-way.

You help him be perfect?
Is reporting to you part of being a perfect partner?
Does he demand anything from you?

I do feel for you, as I know it can be hard when your self-esteem has had a bit of a battering in the past.
And although a lot of these messages aren't sugar-coating anything and are very straight to the point, there is value in them.
Asking for location and texting too much and all of these things does unfortunately push the partner away. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think you need to do your best to work on how you feel about trusting someone and not texting so much.
Don't I have a right to know where my husband is and who he's with when he stays away from home? Out of courtesy and respect? I always volunteer that information even if I'm just out for the evening, never mind staying away
That's the thing - no. You may volunteer that information, but honestly it's not a true or realistic obligation. What if they leave to go to McDonald's? Should he tell you they've popped to McDonald's? Tell you when they got back? I wouldn't text my partner to let them know where I am and who I am with if they already know I'm at a Christmas party with colleagues. Because I'm there at the party having a good time! Not reporting every hour. I'd talk to you about how the night was in the morning! And in a 'the night was so fun/terrible, we did XXXXX' way, not a report on exactly what I did way!

You're not listening. YABU. If there are other issues that's fair enough but either way this demand is controlling and unacceptable.

I think nothing of sending DH a text saying "Hiya, am in wherever with x and y, will be on the time o'clock train home x" - it's so easy, takes just a couple of seconds, and I'm happy to do it. In previous relationships - long before I felt anxious about nights away - we always used to tell each other where we were if we were out for the evening. I'm not convinced I'm being as much of a freak as I'm being made out to be . . . but I'm trying to accept the judgement that I'm being unreasonable and I'm not going to give DH a hard time about it!

You are being totally unreasonable and controlling. I wouldn't tolerate that in a relationship. You either trust him or you don't.

No, you need to stop. I've been where you are and it's an awful spiral of jealousy and control. Do you check his phone when he gets back?

I think nothing of sending DH a text saying "Hiya, am in wherever with x and y, will be on the time o'clock train home x"

And that's fine. If you moved to a different location would you text him again to say that? "Hiya, still with x and y but am now in different location". What if you met another friend "Still at location but z has now joined us"?

He text you at 8:30pm and you knew where he was and who he was with. Why would he need to text you again?

"I think nothing of sending DH a text saying "Hiya, am in wherever with x and y, will be on the time o'clock train home x" - it's so easy, takes just a couple of seconds, and I'm happy to do it."

YOU are happy to do it but he isn't.

Many other people wouldn't be happy either. Why don't you get that?

Absolutely not, @JudasPrudy! Never have, never will. I do wish people would stop taking it to extremes. I don't expect anyone to be perfect. I just mean there's give and take in a relationship. And there's a big difference between what I'm asking for and wanting to know where someone is every minute of the day.

And while I'm in a defending-myself mood, there's no need for the name-calling either, @Itsyersel - I'm not a controlling psycho, I'm just someone who is battling very hard to prevent a past experience from affecting the present. It's hard, but I'm listening to you all. I accept IABU, for the avoidance of doubt. I'm determined to overcome this issue and sort myself out.

Wow this is soooo controlling

Poor bloke!!

Bet you do check his phone though.

Oh and for everyone saying I knew where he was, I didn't - he didn't answer when I asked, so I didn't know which part of town he was in, if he was at someone's house or in a pub etc. And I didn't push it or send another message or anything - there was no harassment or aggro from me at all. Right now he doesn't even think there's an issue and that's fine by me. So you can all stop feeling sorry for poor harrassed DH 😄

I don't think I could, even if I wanted to, @maras2 - I'm pretty sure it's fingerprint-protected.

It's ironic that people are assuming the worst about me 😁

You're not battling to stop your past affecting your present though. You're using your past as an excuse to be controlling.

Oh and for everyone saying I knew where he was, I didn't

But you did know.

He was at his works Christmas do.

If he is staying in a hotel over night why would you need to know more.

Dp travels a lot for work.

Half the time I can’t remember which continent he is going to let alone hotel etc
Sometimes he visits places that his mobile doesn’t work and he calls mid week on the hotel phone.
Sometimes he doesn’t call at all.

Right now he doesn't even think there's an issue and that's fine by me. So you can all stop feeling sorry for poor harrassed DH

That doesn't mean there isn't a huge issue here, though does it?

I feel sorry for anyone in a relationship, who's being controlled to this level.

Sometimes the person themselves can't even see it at first, but most do eventually realise how poorly they're being treated.

I wouldn't want my dh tracking where I am when I'm away for work. I think it's totally reasonable to expect a message saying he's going out (so therefore will be busy and might not be in touch) and then a message when he gets home safely for the night. But constant updating on exact location and who he is with is really not on. I don't think I've ever asked my dh where he was on night out when he's been away? I usually know who he's with as he would tell me in general conversation, but I don't need or want to track his exact location to each pub. Maybe if there was like a terrorist attack or something (!) then I'd expect him to be in touch and let me know he was fine and where he was. But even usually after a certain time (when I go to bed), I personally don't want to hear from him as it might wake me up. We both know we'll talk in the morning. Agreed, it's definitely your issue and assuming you otherwise trust him, you have to give him a bit of space to live life without the surveillance.

“Oh and for everyone saying I knew where he was, I didn't - he didn't answer when I asked, so I didn't know which part of town he was in, if he was at someone's house or in a pub etc.”

But it doesn’t matter.

You don’t seem to understand that.

He could have a quickie round the back of the pub. In the car after work. They could have a snog in the taxi travelling from the bar to the restaurant. It doesn’t matter that you know exactly where he is. If he’s going to cheat he can and will find a way.

You have to make a decision, yourself, to trust him. You can’t control his actions, only yours.

Wasnt there a very similar thread to this recently where everybody said YABU and then the OP came back with no she wasn't and her DP told her to contact him more?

he didn't answer when I asked, so I didn't know which part of town he was in, if he was at someone's house or in a pub etc.

But that's the thing, it didn't matter where he was! You knew he was out, with work mates. It might come up in conversation today, that he tells you where they went, but you shouldn't expect him to tell you at the time.

I think nothing of sending DH a text saying "Hiya, am in wherever with x and y, will be on the time o'clock train home x" - it's so easy, takes just a couple of seconds, and I'm happy to do it. In previous relationships - long before I felt anxious about nights away - we always used to tell each other where we were if we were out for the evening.

Why do you send the text? So he'll know where you are, for his benefit, or so you feel a bit safer? If I tell DP where I am, it's usually because it reassures me a bit that he knows where I am if I need him; and if I let him know what train I'm getting or when I'm planning to leave, it's so he knows when I should be home incase I get lost or something happens. Its not for his benefit.

But you are avoiding the point here; consciously or otherwise. Why does it help you to know?

He could have spent the night in one pub. He could have pub-crawled and changed every drink. He could have spent a few hours in a pub and then moved on to a bar when some people left; and then ended up in a hotel bar having a few drinks because they are open later and warm, or having a drunken snack in McDonalds. He could be being completely honest about where he is and who he is with; or he could be telling you that he's still at X place with the lads and not be. He could tell you that he's staying in the pub but then everyone else decide to move. He could fully intend to be on the 11:05 train home and not make it.

Logically, the updates don't mean anything to you; they don't prove where he is or who he is with or what he is doing. I'm sure he's honest and straightforward; but just getting a text doesn't guarantee that.

So is this a way of making sure that he is thinking about you when he's out; that you are on his mind? Is your hurt today more that you see it that he agreed to do something, went out and forgot about you, and gave you an anxious night wondering where he was and what had made him forget?

In the nicest way; you have to work through this. It is strange to do it the way that you do it, for the reasons that you do.

sweeneytoddsrazor was there really?

Op, you would do my nut in. My ex used to do this and it didn’t get better over time, it got far worse so I left him.

You know, I had this very same problem so I just installed a GPS tracker into my partners skull so I didn't have to rely on him to update, it was so annoying when he'd forget to text me the marital status and blood type of all attendees or be vague such as not providing the postcode of the pub he's in!!

I know you've stated it but you're very unreasonable, you're treating him like an 11 year old that you've just given permission to go to the shops with their mates for the first time. You cannot use your past experiences as justification for being intrusive in his life.

Oh and for everyone saying I knew where he was, I didn't - he didn't answer when I asked, so I didn't know which part of town he was in, if he was at someone's house or in a pub etc.

Why do you need to know that?