. . . to want to know where he is?

[AmINormalOrInsecure]

DH stays away overnight regularly for work, which sometimes is difficult for me as my ex partner used working away as an opportunity to cheat. When I discovered this, it had a fairly cataclysmic effect on me; I was devastated and struggled to trust DH when we first started going out.

I worked hard to give DH the respect and freedom he deserves, and for the most part, I handle his absences quite well, with the occasional wobble. The agreement is that if he's out drinking and socialising, he'll let me know where he is and (broadly-speaking) who he's with (as in, a large group or just a one-to-one), and then he'll message me once he's back at his hotel and going to bed.

For context, DH had a lot of one-night stands before he met me and his work nights out always seem to be full of scandal, so there's temptation there. He has cheated on a previous partner.

Last night was his Christmas do - he sent a message at 8.30pm and then nothing at all until 1.30am after I'd sent him a message prompting him to get in touch. I still have no idea where he was, who he was with, what time he got back to his hotel etc. I feel upset about this as it feels as if he didn't follow through on his promise to keep in touch.

I recognise that my feelings are about the past and not DH. But I feel that he should have followed through on his agreement to reassure me, because he loves me and I'd absolutely do it for him (in fact I'd do a lot more if he needed reassurance).

AIBU? I am, aren't I?

Honestly I don’t think this is over the top at all. She’s not asking for a long list of specifics. She’s asking for two brief messages. That’s very easy to do. I bet her DP would like the same from her too. I’d like the same from my DP. In fact he went out for his work Christmas party, and after going out didn’t text me at all, came in at 2.30am. I thought that was inconsiderate of him. As I know he’d feel a bit miffed if I’d done the same.

The agreement is that if he's out drinking and socialising, he'll let me know where he is and (broadly-speaking) who he's with (as in, a large group or just a one-to-one), and then he'll message me once he's back at his hotel and going to bed.

I would be less than amused to get a phone call at 1.30am. Blood or fire only at that time.

Having a drunk, giggly person wake you up or otherwise disturb you to tell you HOW MUCH THEY FACKIN' LOVE YOU is grounds for a severe tsking at the next day, IMO.

But the OP didn’t ask for a call. She asked for a message. And as she asked I think her D.P. can safely assume that she would not be annoyed at the time!

@PinaColada1 the OP got 2 messages. She wasnt happy with that.

She’s asking for two brief messages. That’s very easy to do.

And that's what she got, but felt it was inadequate, as "I still have no idea where he was, who he was with, what time he got back to his hotel etc."

(Although she later claims not to have wanted a list of specifics, despite listing the specific details she's peeved to be lacking in the opening post)

Honestly, if I was out and I got text after text after where I am & who I was with I would get pretty miffed (I am sure my OHY would too!). It just sounds like you don't trust him at all!

Many times on a night out, time runs away with you and you are enjoying your night chatting, dancing, drinking etc than looking on your phone.

We have a rule that as long as you text when you get back to hotel that you are safe blah blah blah then we don't care!

I've seen quite a lot of cheating husbands as I work in hospitality.

Seen many men do the whole il just get the Mrs off my back..then carry on regardless.

If he is going to cheat he will...a txt or phone call means nothing.

Okay, everyone's getting hung up on the two-message "mandate" 😄

It was never specifically two messages and no more, the agreement was that he'd let me know, around the beginning of the evening, where he was and who he was with. Then he would let me know that he's back at his hotel and heading to bed.

Yes, he did send me two messages, but the first one ignored the fact that I'd just asked him where they were headed for the evening and just said "ha ha" about something I'd said, and then the second message was in response to my "are you still out?" message at 1.30am, to which he replied "prob heading back soon".

So, although technically he sent two messages, neither of them gave me the info he'd agreed on. But contrary to what the militants among you think, I didn't lose my mind, I didn't harass him, I didn't spoil his night, I just let it go. But it niggled so I came on here to see if IWBU.

You do realise he is probably laughing at you with his colleagues. Your behaviour is odd at best.
Leave him alone to enjoy himself.

I'm just someone who is battling very hard to prevent a past experience from affecting the present

You won't want to read what I'm about to say and will no doubt ignore it if you do, but if you are still so badly affected by your ex relationship, perhaps you would have benefitted from time on your own to come to terms with that before being in another relationship?

I also wonder how the OP and others on here would have coped in pre-mobile phone times. Would you have expected your partner to leave whatever they were doing to run round the streets looking for a working pay phone only to find they didn't have the right change?

Don't be ridiculous, @Russiawithlove. Do you really think he deserves to be "left alone to enjoy himself" if he were the kind of person to laugh about his wife to his colleagues? I feel bad for you, if that's the kind of thing you think is acceptable, and you think your DP would do that if you had any issues or weaknesses.

So, although technically he sent two messages, neither of them gave me the info he'd agreed on.

I still don't understand. Why do you need to know who he's with at the start of the night, where he is during the course of the night, and what time he gets back to his hotel?

Is it the case that there is someone he works with that you have suspicions about? Is that why you specifically mention not knowing if he was at "someone's" house?

If my DH listed a bunch of his colleagues, or the bars that they'd been to, I'd very likely still be none the wiser. So unless there's one particular person you're concerned about, I don't understand why 'I'm in Bar A with Fred, Ted, and Ned' is essential information. And if there is one particular person to be concerned about, he's going to deliberately neglect to mention them anyway.

So, although technically he sent two messages, neither of them gave me the info he'd agreed on.

You shouldn’t be forcing your partner into an agreement just so he can go on a night out!

Him “agreeing” just means he didn’t want to deal with the fall out of saying he didn’t want to feel obligated to text you while trying to enjoy himself.

the second message was in response to my "are you still out?" message at 1.30am, to which he replied "prob heading back soon".

He was still out & not in his hotel, which is why he hadn't sent you the "I'm back in the hotel" text.

TBH, I wouldn't text my partner after midnight because she'd be in bed & it'd wake her up & piss her off...

I'd also be mightily hacked off if I was expected to transmit venue details every time we shifted to a new pub. If something does happen, rest assured the Police will let you know.....

Yep, being unreasonable and controlling. If a bloke insisted I give him updates all night about what I was doing and where I was and with who, when I was just trying to enjoy my night out I would be running for the hills as fast as my sturdy girl legs would carry me.

Well I'm not about to divorce him to see if your theory is correct, @SilverySurfer, so we'll never know.

And of course I wouldn't expect him to have run around looking for a payphone - but those aren't the times we're living in; it's effortless to pass someone a message now . . . if you want to.

Updates all night neither demanded or wanted, @meddie. RTFT.

If it happened every time he went out with his friends or colleagues then yes I'm sure people would take the mickey.

No need to feel sorry for me. I have a trusting healthy relationship and do not feel the need to keep tabs on my partner.

it's effortless to pass someone a message now . . . if you want to.

But easily forgotten if you're a bit (or a lot) drunk and caught up in having a great time on your work Christmas night out.

But you seem to think people are cruel and heartless, @Russiawithlove, so I think you're not as easy-going and balanced as you like to think you are.

You need to keep saying to yourself "this man did not cheat on me" and then stop treating him as though he did or will.
Last friday my dh went to work then on his work Christmas do to Barcelona for the weekend, with a group from his office (men and women) he got home Monday night.
He text to say he'd landed safely on Friday and that was it till Monday. I've no idea where he was or who he was with other than work colleagues and that's just fine because I trust him. Without trust there is no relationship.

If he’s going to cheat he’s going to cheat, regardless of if he texts you to say where he is and who he is with. Why would that stop him? And how do you know he’s telling the truth anyway? If you don’t have trust you have nothing. You could make yourself very ill over this, and/ or push him away. Can you get some help for you what happened to
you in the past? I know that’s not easy to get over as I have been there myself b

I've just said I work in hospitality. I've heard the conversations blokes have when out. And you only have to see the dread on their faces when
The wives and partners keep contacting them.

The problem is your lack of trust. Not that he didn't do as ordered by telling you who he was with and his location. He's a grown man, not a 7 year old.

And people can very easily lie about who they're with. What's next, asking him to text you a pic of who he's with as proof?

You need to either trust him or leave him.

One of my friends has a husband who constantly texts her on a night out. We've been trying to make her see how unreasonable this is for years. We no longer invite her.