. . . to want to know where he is?

[AmINormalOrInsecure]

DH stays away overnight regularly for work, which sometimes is difficult for me as my ex partner used working away as an opportunity to cheat. When I discovered this, it had a fairly cataclysmic effect on me; I was devastated and struggled to trust DH when we first started going out.

I worked hard to give DH the respect and freedom he deserves, and for the most part, I handle his absences quite well, with the occasional wobble. The agreement is that if he's out drinking and socialising, he'll let me know where he is and (broadly-speaking) who he's with (as in, a large group or just a one-to-one), and then he'll message me once he's back at his hotel and going to bed.

For context, DH had a lot of one-night stands before he met me and his work nights out always seem to be full of scandal, so there's temptation there. He has cheated on a previous partner.

Last night was his Christmas do - he sent a message at 8.30pm and then nothing at all until 1.30am after I'd sent him a message prompting him to get in touch. I still have no idea where he was, who he was with, what time he got back to his hotel etc. I feel upset about this as it feels as if he didn't follow through on his promise to keep in touch.

I recognise that my feelings are about the past and not DH. But I feel that he should have followed through on his agreement to reassure me, because he loves me and I'd absolutely do it for him (in fact I'd do a lot more if he needed reassurance).

AIBU? I am, aren't I?

His texts are not reassuring you, they are simply feeding your paranoia.

You need to sort this out within yourself, or one day he will start to wonder why he married someone who doesn’t trust him.

Also imagine if a man came on here saying “Don’t I have the right to know where my wife is and who she’s with when she’s not at home?”

This being AIBU, we’d all turn on him like a pack of hyenas. And rightly so.

im actually more anxious when dh coming home than if he stays out-not alot u can do if someone is out all night-but if hes never cheated on you u should jsut drop it

That seems very controlling to me and very odd between grown adults

Somebody said I'd come back and say I was joking, and of course I've come back to say I wasn't entirely serious. I was trying to draw a distinction between wanting to know where your partner is all the time, and wanting to know that your partner is safe - it's easier to compare that with the safety of your child because you know your child isn't cheating on you - it's entirely their wellbeing you are concerned with.

There is no demand for texts between us at any time and I don't generally know where she is or if she's gone out with her mates.
I completely missed the mark in trying to explain the comparison I was trying to make between wanting to know where a person is from a safety aspect as opposed to a controlling aspect.

I completely stuffed that post up, obviously, but thanks for the vehemence of the responses.

The comment about the wedding was meant to be lighthearted, but it was a mistake to mix up lighthearted with what is actually quite a serious control problem. Hey ho.

I completely missed the mark in trying to explain the comparison I was trying to make between wanting to know where a person is from a safety aspect as opposed to a controlling aspect.

SilverTray There isn’t a comparison. Wanting to know where a grown adult is when they’ve gone on a night out is controlling and suffocating.

There are other ways to deal with anxiety you know! Please don’t tell me you lie awake waiting for the text

Of course not. She lives 300 miles away. I don't know where she is most of the time. My phone signal is crap anyway. I sometimes don't get texts for hours after they're sent.

I'm so glad that when I was married to my DH (22 years, three children), that we only had house phones.

Neither of us would have abided by your demands.

You talk about you DP as if he's a vulnerable Teen that needs guidance.

There isn’t a comparison. Wanting to know where a grown adult is when they’ve gone on a night out is controlling and suffocating

I was inventing a situation to make the comparison between wanting to know where someone is from a caring aspect, or alternatively from a controlling aspect. It didn't work. I get it.

And fwiw I don't genuinely think going on a night out with mates is a dangerous activity.

Many a couple have said ‘fine, screw your cash we’ll do it cheap alone’ when they’ve discovered a ‘kind gift’ of money for a wedding actually comes with a thousand controlling strings!

She could afford to pay for it herself if she wanted. That was their initial plan. But I offered and they accepted. They can keep their savings for the future. They probably need it more than I do.

I had a relationship with a man like the OP. Thank God i got out before marriage or kids.

Some people on here are so rude and make so many assumptions about people it absolutely astounds me. @SilverTray I got where you were coming from completely and you seem neither controlling or suffocating to me. If I’m out (which is never) I very often text my mum to let her know I’m fine and I’m 30. I don’t find her at all controlling or suffocating. She’s my mum I know she worries.
I hope in future my DD might do the same for me without it being a huge great issue.
People are different and have different views and expectations. It doesn’t make people crazy to want to know their loved ones are safe.

Cheers kittenrush I probably got the tone wrong, but sometimes you hit a raw nerve with someone and it makes them feel better to jump all over you. It doesn't bother me overmuch. You do get a lot of extremes on here. Cheers.

**Also imagine if a man came on here saying “Don’t I have the right to know where my wife is and who she’s with when she’s not at home?”

This being AIBU, we’d all turn on him like a pack of hyenas. And rightly so.**

^Competeley agree. OP is too paranoid and untrusting to be in a relationship. No way would I put up with her ridiculous demands.

But SilverTray, you didn’t say anything at all to suggest you ‘weren’t being entirely serious’, you didn’t comedically exaggerate, use an emoji, nothing. Your post very much read as if you meant what you were saying seriously and that’s why people have taken it as such.

It seems odd you’re now saying you ‘weren’t being entirely serious’ when there was no indication of that in your original post. Are you sure you’re not just trying to save face now by pretending it wasn’t meant to be taken literally?

One minute you say you know you stuffed the tone up, the next you say sometimes you hit a raw nerve with someone and it makes them feel better to jump all over you. which makes you come across very defensive, you didn’t hit a raw nerve with anyone, people read your post you shared on a public forum and responded. If you think that’s ‘jumping all over you to make themselves feel better’ (better about what?) I would really not advise that MN is for you! You’re obviously embarrassed your post was replied to by people who didn’t agree and questioned some of the things you said, but that’s the whole point of a forum.

Indeed. I hope you feel better now. I know I do.

That looks passive aggressive. I feel better because at least one person understood and accepted my explanation. You don't. That's fine. I don't need to engage further. Sorted.