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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

. . . to want to know where he is?

217 replies

AmINormalOrInsecure · 19/12/2018 09:21

DH stays away overnight regularly for work, which sometimes is difficult for me as my ex partner used working away as an opportunity to cheat. When I discovered this, it had a fairly cataclysmic effect on me; I was devastated and struggled to trust DH when we first started going out.

I worked hard to give DH the respect and freedom he deserves, and for the most part, I handle his absences quite well, with the occasional wobble. The agreement is that if he's out drinking and socialising, he'll let me know where he is and (broadly-speaking) who he's with (as in, a large group or just a one-to-one), and then he'll message me once he's back at his hotel and going to bed.

For context, DH had a lot of one-night stands before he met me and his work nights out always seem to be full of scandal, so there's temptation there. He has cheated on a previous partner.

Last night was his Christmas do - he sent a message at 8.30pm and then nothing at all until 1.30am after I'd sent him a message prompting him to get in touch. I still have no idea where he was, who he was with, what time he got back to his hotel etc. I feel upset about this as it feels as if he didn't follow through on his promise to keep in touch.

I recognise that my feelings are about the past and not DH. But I feel that he should have followed through on his agreement to reassure me, because he loves me and I'd absolutely do it for him (in fact I'd do a lot more if he needed reassurance).

AIBU? I am, aren't I?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 19/12/2018 10:03

You did know where he was, he was out at the work christmas party. Why would knowing the name of the pub make any difference? Yabu and controlling

Huntawaymama · 19/12/2018 10:05

Yabvu. You know where he is, his christmas night out. He text you twice. Tbh if he wanted to cheat he could have been anywhere last night and as long as he text you the right chat you'd have been reasured

Itsyersel · 19/12/2018 10:06

You must ruin every night out for him!!! Not healthy at all....go get help, poor DH

Kittenrush · 19/12/2018 10:06

I do really feel for you though OP, but it still sounds like you’re quite mad at him for not being in touch, (wanting to withhold the information of where you are etc).
Have you sat him down and chatted through why you feel so insecure, maybe if you came up with a plan together of how to overcome this you both might feel a bit better about the whole thing.

Mishappening · 19/12/2018 10:07

Trust in a relationship is everything really, and yours sounds to be a bit thin at the moment - understandable, given his history.

Are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you do not feel you can trust? It is somewhat emotionally wearing. Asking him to text where he is and who he is with is pointless because he could just simply lie. How does it help anyone?

Bugbabe1970 · 19/12/2018 10:07

I think you need to get some therapy for your trust issues
If he's going to cheat then he will. A few text messages aren't going to change that. He could say he was in bed, how would you know?
You are at risk of driving him crazy with all this. You have to choose to trust him, and unless there's any evidence to the contrary, leave him alone.
Really, you need to get some counselling on this. You obviously haven't got over the cheating from the past and it's going to ruin your relationship with your husband
Good luck

TheRedFox · 19/12/2018 10:08

I honestly thought it was okay to want to know where he is given that London is a big place.

What difference would knowing his precise location actually make to you?

The texts at 8.30pm and 1.30pm were minimal and he ignored my earlier "whereabouts are you" question.

That's probably because he was out having a good time and not watching his phone and replying to every message in detail.

I feel like not bothering to tell him where I am and who I'm with when I'm out now, but I feel like that would be disrespectful. I can't work out why that only applies one-way though.

But isn't this the type of information that you usually share anyway as you discuss things generally? For me it's the texting throughout the night and wanting specific details that seems problematic, not letting your OH know that you're going out with colleagues for a drink.

FWIW this is the type of thing that would drive me mad and drive a wedge in the relationship.

As others have suggested, I think counselling would help you and no doubt he will find your new found confidence an attractive trait too.

TooTrueToBeGood · 19/12/2018 10:09

You either trust him and trust him or you don't trust him and end the relationship. Using past bad experiences as justification for controlling behaviour is unacceptable. I've known of several controlling relationships in real life and read of countless others on here and other forums. The controller almost always has an excuse to justify their behaviour but that doesn't make them right and you are no different.

TokyoSushi · 19/12/2018 10:10

Oh OP, I can understand why, but it's too much and you'll push him away.

Lweji · 19/12/2018 10:15

Look, if he wants to cheat, he can message all he wants telling you where he is and who he is with that he will still cheat.

So, stop being so controlling.

He has cheated on a previous partner.

I'm not sure I'd marry someone who had cheated before. This would be the reason I wouldn't trust him, not how much he texted me telling me about his whereabouts.

fanfan18 · 19/12/2018 10:20

If he wants to cheat he'll cheat - a few text messages won't stop that

100%. An ex of mine cheated and after it all came out, there were times he'd "pop in to pick something up" when I was in the car and they'd have a quickie for 2 mins and he'd get back in the car with me....

You can message each other all night. He'll either do it or he won't. Stop wasting your energy on him and focus on you.

cookiecrumbles14 · 19/12/2018 10:21

I really feel for you - you're going to drive yourself crazy with this because ultimately nothing he'll do is good enough. As other posters have said, you knew where he was and who he was with. Did you want an exact location? A list of names? What, really, would that have changed? I think - having been there myself - you're looking for information to feed the way you're feeling, to justify it, to encourage it. Think about it.

I'd recommend on nights like this - or others! - that you go out too. Go out and have some fun. Stop sitting at home dwelling on if and when he's going to send you messages.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/12/2018 10:25

Sorry but you need to get over this before your H gets sick of it and dumps you. The only people who can live with this level of whining, nagging insecurity are people who are just as messed up themselves. It is extremely unhealthy - and borderline abusive to insist on knowing where your partner is at all times. People are not property and you have to either trust your partner or stay single.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 19/12/2018 10:26

He has cheated on a previous partner.

I have to say, I think this is irrelevant. We’ve all had our moments of things we aren’t necessarily proud of in our younger days. He hasn’t cheated on you. This sounds like a stick to beat him with.

easyandy101 · 19/12/2018 10:33

Nah, no way I could live like that and wouldn't have entertained it for a second

Ethel36 · 19/12/2018 10:41

You are being unreasonable. You need to trust him and leave him to it. If anyone wants to cheat...they will do it regardless of checking in with their partner and telling them who they're with.

lilmishap · 19/12/2018 10:45

Jeeeesus christ fanfan18 that's awful

WorraLiberty · 19/12/2018 10:46

I don't understand why he has to tell you whether he's socialising with a large group or just a one-to-one?

What difference does that make?

If it's a one-to-one with a female colleague or friend, do you give him more of a hard time?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 19/12/2018 10:52

Although I feel very sad now - I honestly thought it was okay to want to know where he is given that London is a big place. The texts at 8.30pm and 1.30pm were minimal and he ignored my earlier "whereabouts are you" question.

Can you explain why? Either to us, or to yourself?

Why does it make a difference where he is? Or who is with?

Why does it offer any comfort?

I think the only possible answer here is that you know you've made him "remember" you; so you feel like you've reminded him what he's got at home.

You must be able to see how weak that would make your relationship, if it's true...

slashlover · 19/12/2018 10:59

I feel like not bothering to tell him where I am and who I'm with when I'm out now, but I feel like that would be disrespectful. I can't work out why that only applies one-way though.

Has he actually asked you to text him or do you just feel as if you should?

How often do you think he should have text you?

GhostSauce · 19/12/2018 11:00

Why do you need to know where he is though?

Original poster

AmINormalOrInsecure · 19/12/2018 11:03

I don't know. I guess I just feel that if DH says he's happy to let me know which part of London he's in, and who he's with, but when the time comes actually won't, it almost feels as if he's being a little controlling himself.

As with any AIBU there's a lot more to it - it's impossible to sum up an entire relationship in one short post; and a lot of assumptions are being made in the replies I've read. I know I have to accept that I'm being unreasonable, as hard as that is, because I do a lot for him to accommodate his issues and baggage so deep down I don't think I'm asking that much in return.

He's not perfect, so I help him. I'm not perfect so I ask for help from him. Sadly I'm starting to think the accommodations made are all one-way.

OP posts:

CaroloftheBalls · 19/12/2018 11:04

If he’s going to cheat on you, it doesn’t matter that you know he’s in the Red Lion with Linda and Dave from accounts.
You knew he was out with work, in London. What more, specifically, did you need to know?
Given 1, 2 doesn’t really matter, does it?

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 19/12/2018 11:16

God I'm so bad at telling dp where I am! If I go on a night out I just say I'm out with mates (we work together, we know all the same people) one night, we went out together but he got a headache and went home, I said I would probably be along within the next couple of hours. I ended up rolling in at 11 the next morning.

It really doesn't matter if he keeps in touch, if he is going to cheat, he will. In fact, I would be more suspicious if he actually did start updating you by text.

slashlover · 19/12/2018 11:17

There's every chance he was in X pub at 8:30pm and then stayed there the whole night so did you want hourly updates saying "Still in X pub with the same people."?

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