. . . to want to know where he is?

[AmINormalOrInsecure]

DH stays away overnight regularly for work, which sometimes is difficult for me as my ex partner used working away as an opportunity to cheat. When I discovered this, it had a fairly cataclysmic effect on me; I was devastated and struggled to trust DH when we first started going out.

I worked hard to give DH the respect and freedom he deserves, and for the most part, I handle his absences quite well, with the occasional wobble. The agreement is that if he's out drinking and socialising, he'll let me know where he is and (broadly-speaking) who he's with (as in, a large group or just a one-to-one), and then he'll message me once he's back at his hotel and going to bed.

For context, DH had a lot of one-night stands before he met me and his work nights out always seem to be full of scandal, so there's temptation there. He has cheated on a previous partner.

Last night was his Christmas do - he sent a message at 8.30pm and then nothing at all until 1.30am after I'd sent him a message prompting him to get in touch. I still have no idea where he was, who he was with, what time he got back to his hotel etc. I feel upset about this as it feels as if he didn't follow through on his promise to keep in touch.

I recognise that my feelings are about the past and not DH. But I feel that he should have followed through on his agreement to reassure me, because he loves me and I'd absolutely do it for him (in fact I'd do a lot more if he needed reassurance).

AIBU? I am, aren't I?

@AnchorDownDeepBreath yes, your post rings true. I think you're right. I think a lot of this is about the fact that he agreed to do something that would have meant a lot to me, but didn't, and I feel hurt now. I'm trying to keep it in perspective but he has let me down so much in the last few months in other ways. I think my nerves are a bit frayed.

You need one of those phone tracking apps (like Jenny from Coronation Street) so you can follow where he is all the time.

Personally I would forget to text every time I moved venues.

I just don’t understand why you need him to tell you exactly where he is all of the time?

He could text anything and it would just give you a false sense of security.

Either you trust him or you don’t

That is the issue.

If you trust him then he doesn’t need to text. But if you feel he does then I think you need to work on your own feelings.

If you don’t trust him then there is no relationship.

You need one of those phone tracking apps (like Jenny from Coronation Street) so you can follow where he is all the time.

Yeah, but just because the app logs him at The Nag's Head, it doesn't mean he's not shagging Maureen from Accounts over the bins out the back

I feel like not bothering to tell him where I am and who I'm with when I'm out now, but I feel like that would be disrespectful. I can't work out why that only applies one-way though

Has he ever asked you to keep him updated in the same way?

Does he tell you his plans in general chit chat usually, or does he just say ‘I’m out on Friday night’ and then offer no more information?

If it’s the latter, I can see why that would be unsettling for you. It’s not really good ‘manners’ in a relationship to just go out and not say where you are or who with.

If DH is going out, he’ll say, ‘I said I’d meet Dave and Tony down the Dog and Duck for a few pints on Friday, Tony’s just got a promotion’, and I’ll say ‘okay fine’ and then that’s it. I know his plans and I don’t expect him to check in while he’s out.

I really don't know why everyone is soo hard on OP.
I think you are being reasonable because thats what my BF and i are doing when we are out. I don't think expecting a text is controlling in any way it shows a respect from your partner! My BF always tells me where he is and who he is with and i do the same when i am out. Sending text takes minutes.

You are not being unreasonable! I would be fuming if my BF would promise that he will let me know but didn't its principles!

You know your situation and your DH and i think you should stick to your guns and remind him about his promise.

I think you're right. I think a lot of this is about the fact that he agreed to do something that would have meant a lot to me, but didn't, and I feel hurt now.

And how would you have behaved towards him if he'd stood up to you and refused to agree?

Be honest.

But if DH just said ‘I’m out on friday’ And didn’t say anything else about it I would raise an eyebrow.

From your updates I get the feeling more is going on. And that maybe the reason you don’t trust him isn’t because of your bad past experiences but because he’s not acting in a trustworthy way?

@FuckOffAndWriteYourOwnArticles that's exactly what I'd like - "I'm off to x place with y and z for a few drinks x".

I'm not sure why so many people are fixated on thinking I need to know exactly where he is every minute, if he changes location etc. It's not that extreme. But then, this is AIBU so I guess I've only got myself to blame 😄

You want to know the location so your DH can't lie about where he is, in case you turn up.

If he says he's in xxx with xxx, then he's tied himself up if he is lying, because you could turn up at any point to check.

I don't think this means he's lying, but it's the reason you want him to tell you where/who he's with.

Even your post saying ‘sadly the accommodations only seem to go one way’ makes you sound like you’re martyring yourself. It’s not sad. He isn’t expecting you to do something for him he isn’t doing for you. You make it sound like he’s the one BU cos he’s not adhered to your rules, because you’re adhering to them. Well of course you are. You adhere to them cos you want him to do it in return!

I've been on the other side of this too; having to update people about my plans and when I get home. It was always presented as letting him know that I'd got home safely; but really it was his way of making sure I was thinking about him.

I hate this ‘let me know you’re home safe’ nonsense, it’s bullshit. I didn’t suddenly lose the ability to ‘get home safe’ once I accrued a partner. The world didn’t become more dangerous than it was when I was single. It’s never really about ‘getting home safe’ imo.

FuckOffAndWriteYourOwnArticles that's exactly what I'd like - "I'm off to x place with y and z for a few drinks x".

OP, I could text you right now and tell you that I'm in town shopping. I'm not, I'm sitting on my couch with a coffee. WHY do you need to know?

Does he not phone you anyway? When my husband goes away he phoned me every night for a chat because he wants to. I'm surprised yours doesn't. It's not about keeping tabs, he just likes to chat about his day and check everything is ok at home .

I actually think two unprompted texts isn’t too much to ask if he’s on a night out, out of town. I don’t think it’s controlling at all for her to expect this.

Milliy the poor bloke was at his work Christmas do and he did text her twice.

'I don't think expecting a text is controlling in any way it shows a respect from your partner!'

She had two texts from him and is still considering whether she should sulk about it. Even the act of planning to throw a strop rings alarm bells.

I hate this ‘let me know you’re home safe’ nonsense, it’s bullshit. I didn’t suddenly lose the ability to ‘get home safe’ once I accrued a partner. The world didn’t become more dangerous than it was when I was single. It’s never really about ‘getting home safe’ imo.

TBF, my friends and I do the 'text me when you get home' if it's after a certain time, I also have to text my mum if we've been out and I've got the last bus home. Nothing to do with a partner etc.

I think nothing of sending DH a text saying "Hiya, am in wherever with x and y, will be on the time o'clock train home x"
Gosh, I would feel this is so dull if a partner texted me messages like this constantly. Claustrophobic.
I'm attracted to people who are lively, fun, spontaneous, independent and living life to the full. Reporting dull details does not do it for me.

I get you OP, and YANBU.

DH and I always text each other just like you said (Hi! I’m out with such and such, we are in place A but might head to B later. I’ll text when heading home). Then when heading home, we just text to say in which train we are.

Neither of us is suspicious or jealous. We never agreed on texting our whereabouts and timings either. We have just always done it out of courtesy, for safety reasons too. If anything unexpected happens, at least we have some idea of each others whereabouts.

slashlover you're (presumably) an adult.

You don't have to text your mum, you choose to and that's fine as long as you're happy to do so.

The OP's DH obviously isn't and her behaviour, whether it's based on her past or not, is nothing short of control freakery.

And also completely pointless as lots of people have pointed out, he could be in bed with another woman and texting to say he's 'Down the pub having another pint with Bob'.

Worrel I get he was at a works do but instead of texting her at 1.30 to say he's back at the hotel why not a quick phone call to say night, love you. Just as easy.

@Pigeonpies - ha, no, you're very very wrong! It never even occurred to me to turn up. It's just something I would never do. Again, it's back to the assumed extreme behaviour and conclusions people are jumping to about me . . . whilst lecturing me about jumping to conclusions about my DH! Calm down people, read my posts. I'm being honest and I know I'm in wrong, but I'm not THAT bad . . . !

I think I've got my head straight again now, and put things into perspective. I know I need to relax, and I will. It's just not always going to be easy.

Thank you to everyone who told me to get my act together in a nice way, it's appreciated. IABU and I'll work on it!

I think it's just about what you're used to. My DP works away and he lets me know what he's up to and when he's home. He knows I'm sat in with DD and if he isn't out with friends we usually have a phone call so he lets me know more so I'm not waiting for a call. He usually let's me know when he's back- if he forget a or I go to sleep first I like it that he sends something like 'sorry I didn't text, crashed out when I got in'. I suppose because he's acknowledging what our norm is.

@judas but she had to prompt him to send the second.

I’d want my DP to send a text saying where he was going for drinks. And if he was late I’d expect a second one saying, it’s a late one, etc. it doesn’t stop cheating, it’s about showing your partner some consideration.

No way is this okay!

Plus, insecurity is very unattractive. I had an Ex who did this and he was binned sharpish.