. . . to want to know where he is?

[AmINormalOrInsecure]

DH stays away overnight regularly for work, which sometimes is difficult for me as my ex partner used working away as an opportunity to cheat. When I discovered this, it had a fairly cataclysmic effect on me; I was devastated and struggled to trust DH when we first started going out.

I worked hard to give DH the respect and freedom he deserves, and for the most part, I handle his absences quite well, with the occasional wobble. The agreement is that if he's out drinking and socialising, he'll let me know where he is and (broadly-speaking) who he's with (as in, a large group or just a one-to-one), and then he'll message me once he's back at his hotel and going to bed.

For context, DH had a lot of one-night stands before he met me and his work nights out always seem to be full of scandal, so there's temptation there. He has cheated on a previous partner.

Last night was his Christmas do - he sent a message at 8.30pm and then nothing at all until 1.30am after I'd sent him a message prompting him to get in touch. I still have no idea where he was, who he was with, what time he got back to his hotel etc. I feel upset about this as it feels as if he didn't follow through on his promise to keep in touch.

I recognise that my feelings are about the past and not DH. But I feel that he should have followed through on his agreement to reassure me, because he loves me and I'd absolutely do it for him (in fact I'd do a lot more if he needed reassurance).

AIBU? I am, aren't I?

And yes some men and women are cruel and heartless...its a fact of life.

I think YABU.

When DH goes for a night out, he just goes. I might send a text along the lines of "Hope you're having a good night, all fine here, off to bed now" and he might reply if he notices, but otherwise he just goes about his business.

I'd be upset if my DH needed to check up on me/keep tabs on me while I was out. I'd assume he didn't trust me 100%, which would make me question our relationship tbh. And for what it's worth, I have had one night stands and cheated on previous partners. DH knows this, but still trusts me. I have never cheated on DH (together for 14 years, married 11).

But I only sent him one text at around 6pm, and then another at 1.30am asking if he were still out.

Is that really considered harassing and keeping tabs on someone? Two messages in the space of almost eight hours?

But you seem to think people are cruel and heartless, @Russiawithlove, so I think you're not as easy-going and balanced as you like to think you are.

That makes no sense. Some people are indeed cruel and heartless. Being aware of that doesn't mean that you're not easy-going or well balanced.

No you said earlier you had an agreement he always tells you where he is etc. It happens regularly.
I'm not trying to upset you but yes it's very overbearing. You need to sort this problem.

I don't understand your need to know exactly where he is, particularly given that you say you don't expect him to update you every time he moves on. If you know he's in London with work colleagues, what difference does it make to you to know that at 8 p.m. he's in, say, the Strand rather than, say, Trafalgar Square, when you say you don't expect him to tell you if at 9 p.m. they decide to move on to Piccadilly?

the agreement was that he'd let me know, around the beginning of the evening, where he was and who he was with.

I'm so curious to know why you want him to tell you who he's with?

What difference does it make OP?

Your latest posts show no resemblance to your original ones (which I think are more accurate(

Don't I have a right to know where my husband is and who he's with when he stays away from home? Out of courtesy and respect?

I have to admit that when I'm away from home, whether for work purposes or to stay with friends, I don't text my husband to let him know where I am every day. The best he gets is that I tell him what hotel I'm staying in, roughly when I expect to get back, and I let him know that I've arrived safely. If I'm away for any length of time I'll phone occasionally for a chat, but that's it. If he wanted me to tell him who I was meeting every day, when and where, and what I was doing in the evenings, I'd be seriously

You suspect he will cheat on you. Fair enough, it explains your need to ask where he is. But what are you getting out of his answer? Does it make it- at least in your mind - less likely that he'll cheat? More likely that you could spot a lie if you suspected something (I can always check with the person he said he was with....)? Do you think he's lying to you or being evasive?

Is that really considered harassing and keeping tabs on someone? Two messages in the space of almost eight hours?

If you force them into an agreement before they can even go out then yes, it is.

Nights out should be about enjoyment, not obligations to keep your partner up to date on what you’re doing and who you’re with.

I guess it depends on whether you stayed up until 1.30am, checking your phone for messages and worrying about where he was (unreasonable), or if you went to sleep, woke up, sent him a quick text then went back to sleep (reasonable) - but if the latter, why would you be upset about the reply you got? It sounds like you can only relax when you know he's back at the hotel. Which does smack a bit of wanting to keep tabs on him.

To be fair, I probably would ask where DH was going and who he was going out with, mainly as DH goes out quite rarely these days so it would be a bit of an event! It would just be part of passing conversation though, rather than an agreement for him to keep me informed, which you mention in your OP.

I'm so curious to know why you want him to tell you who he's with?

I've asked a couple of times why the OP needs to be given this information (along with times, locations, etc). She hasn't responded, so I'm guessing there's a 'person of interest' at his work.

OP, you can keep on saying that you’re not controlling, you’re not harassing him, etc, and maybe that’s true. None of us know if that’s the case if not: maybe it sounds worse than it is, or maybe it is worse than it sounds.

The only thing we can be sure of from this thread is that your DH isn’t quite as enthusiastic about this ‘check in’ requirement as you are, and he decided not to play along this time. I can’t blame him, to be honest - I’ve never been in a relationship where I was required to provide details of who, where, what time, etc, at strategic points in the evening, and I’ve never instigated an agreement that someone give me that information either.

So I guess all you can do from on here is decide whether him not providing the information required and not checking in as requested is a deal breaker. Seems like it might be, and sadly for reasons that are nothing to do with your DH. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he’s heartily sick of doing the penance for someone else’s misdemeanours.

The agreement is that if he's out drinking and socialising, he'll let me know where he is and (broadly-speaking) who he's with (as in, a large group or just a one-to-one)

The OP ignored the question earlier but I'd like to know what difference it makes, whether he's in a group or out with just one person?

It makes no sense.

Broadly speaking, i would argue that the two messages were fine and YABU. However, if you are anxious and he has said he would accommodate this, up to a point, it seems slightly odd that he wouldn't do so. ie when he texted to say he was out for the christmas do, why not say something like, "on our way to the christmas doo. Some fancy restaurant in Soho with the whole team."

DH is notorious for not reading or responding to or sending text messages unless he's actually in a "message headspace" but if he DID send me one, it would probably contain more info (or I'd already know where the christmas do was going to be and he'd just tell me that they're heading off now and he'd see me later).

So I have a tiny bit of sympathy.

Having said that, the question is do you think he's purposefully keeping information from you or is it just carelessness? If the former, that will be fuelling your concerns. If the latter, get Find Friends on your phone. Some people consider it stalking. DH and I love it - I can see if he's heading home and same for him which is particularly helpful when we're dealing with kids and bedtime etc. He's a SAHD and is busy so isn't texting me updates of his day with the DC the whole time but I like to know what they're doing so sometimes look on there to see if they've gone to the park or rather to their favourite soft play etc.

It works because neither of us is using it to keep tabs on the other. A few weeks ago he met friends in town for drinks. When he didn't turn up at around the time I'd usually expect him (the others were on public transport) I looked on there and saw he was at a friend's house - he'd clearly just given his buddy a lift home then of course landed up staying for a while. Once I saw that, I went to bed because I KNOW what him an this friend are like and I figured the chances of him being home any time soon were pretty slim!

X posted there SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst

The truth of the matter is that you just need to believe what he's telling you, because what's the point in doing anything else? You'll drive yourself mad and you'll drive him mad. Trusting someone is an amazing gift to give yourself: it frees you up to spend time more constructively which is a huge self-esteem booster. He has the right to go out independently doesn't he? He's not your ex.

Sorry @WorraLiberty - there has been so many responses, I've missed questions and not answered things I should have.

The honest answer is, if he said he was with a woman in a hotel bar, I'd feel a lot more anxious than if he said he were out with a big group somewhere. It's unlikely that he'd be one-to-one, so I think I'm seeking comfort from the fact that he's with a group.

I know, it's not logical . . . that's why I came on here for advice; I hate feeling like this, so for my sake as well as DH's I'd much rather be relaxed and carefree like I was in the past. I just don't know how to get back there.

The funny thing is, I actually don't believe he would lie to me, so if he said "I'm off to x bar with the accounts team" I'd believe him without question. On the occasions he's let me know where he is in the past, I've been fine from that point on.

My other half’s Christmas night out is this Friday. He doesn’t even know where they are going. Bunch of lads meeting somewhere in Glasgow at roughly 6pm is the whole plan.
How would you cope with that information?
He won’t text me throughout the night and I’d be annoyed if he did. It’s his night out to have fun. I’d be livid if he acted they way you act when I have a night out.

The honest answer is, if he said he was with a woman in a hotel bar, I'd feel a lot more anxious than if he said he were out with a big group somewhere.

The key phrase here is "if he said". If he's in a hotel bar with a woman and there's something going on, he's going to "say" he's in a less intimate bar with 20 colleagues, isn't he? So either you trust him and it's immaterial where he says he is or who he's with, or you're anxious that he's cheating.

Sorry op,this is going to wear your marriage very thin.You need to address your thinking.
Your dh was on a night out and text you twice.that was decent behaviour.
Do you trust him or not?if you do then you must stop.imho you come across as controlling.
Being deceived in a previous relationship is extremely painful and of course you might have initial concerns in a new relationship,but it is no longer new and yet you are using the past as an excuse almost to say "I want to know where you are,when and who with".
Very stressful for your dh.Have.a long hard look at this before he has had enough of your constant questions/demands.
You are not really taking the advice of pp,but arguing you are in the right.So why ask AIBU in the first place?

If he knows how paranoid you are he's not going to tell you he's on his own with a woman.
And no one has the RIGHT to dictate the way you are, married or not. He is your husband not a possession.

You claim you wouldn't divorce him but carry on the way you are and it might just be him divorcing you.

The honest answer is, if he said he was with a woman in a hotel bar, I'd feel a lot more anxious than if he said he were out with a big group somewhere.

My colleague has a fiancée just like you. It doesn't stop him trying to get in my pants every time he's had a few drinks. Nothing would ever happen, but it's not through lack of trying on his part! Several times I've caught him sending texts saying he's back at the hotel or on the train when the reality is he's just ordered another round or suggested heading to another bar. When I've asked why he lies he just said it's easier than the hassle he'd get for telling the truth.

I'm not saying your DH is the same, but just wanted to highlight just how meaningless these status texts are as if he wants to lie you won't be any the wiser.

@Milliy

Worrel I get he was at a works do but instead of texting her at 1.30 to say he's back at the hotel why not a quick phone call to say night, love you. Just as easy.

Presumably because he assumed she'd be in bed asleep like most people and didn't want to wake her?!

He shouldn't agree to your demand to give out all the info if he doesn't intend to. I suspect he agrees for an easy life. If he was open and honet with you and told you that he found it overbearing how would you feel? There are three reasons i can think of for him not to want to tell you where whe is

1. He is somewhere you wouldnt wlikw and doesnt want to lie
2. he is too busy/drunk and misses the question in your text
3. he wants to prove a point that you dint control/own him and he can be where he likes.

Personally i woild stop asking but don't give him details about yoru nights out either.

Feeling immense relief when something has happened that is not logically proportional to the hing you were worried about is a aign of anxiety. You convinve yourself it will all be alright if x happens. If X haopens you feel better for a while but then you will need to find another .