. . . to want to know where he is?

[AmINormalOrInsecure]

DH stays away overnight regularly for work, which sometimes is difficult for me as my ex partner used working away as an opportunity to cheat. When I discovered this, it had a fairly cataclysmic effect on me; I was devastated and struggled to trust DH when we first started going out.

I worked hard to give DH the respect and freedom he deserves, and for the most part, I handle his absences quite well, with the occasional wobble. The agreement is that if he's out drinking and socialising, he'll let me know where he is and (broadly-speaking) who he's with (as in, a large group or just a one-to-one), and then he'll message me once he's back at his hotel and going to bed.

For context, DH had a lot of one-night stands before he met me and his work nights out always seem to be full of scandal, so there's temptation there. He has cheated on a previous partner.

Last night was his Christmas do - he sent a message at 8.30pm and then nothing at all until 1.30am after I'd sent him a message prompting him to get in touch. I still have no idea where he was, who he was with, what time he got back to his hotel etc. I feel upset about this as it feels as if he didn't follow through on his promise to keep in touch.

I recognise that my feelings are about the past and not DH. But I feel that he should have followed through on his agreement to reassure me, because he loves me and I'd absolutely do it for him (in fact I'd do a lot more if he needed reassurance).

AIBU? I am, aren't I?

I agree Pina

Honestly OP I’ve no idea why people are acting like you are controlling. You’ve shown no signs at all. It’s normal to expect a couple of texts.

I wouldnt want a phone call at 1:30 in the morning to say love you good night because I would be asleep. People obviously have different expectations but frankly a text at 8:30 would have been enough and should have been foĺled with a reply saying have a good time see you tomorrow

Followed not folled is that even a word?

OP the problem with posting on a forum is that you know the wider context of your relationship. None of us can really tell whether this issue is a one-off where you're being totally controlling and possessive, or whether him not texting you is another incident in a long line of him disregarding your feelings (even if those feelings in this particular case are unreasonable). This sounds to me like the straw that broke the camel's back, rather like the "she divorced me for leaving the dishes by the sink" article.

Don't take these replies too much to heart OP but do have a think about the overall dynamics of your relationship.

slashlover what do you mean you have to text your mum?

Sorry you've had so much flack for this post

Against the grain but imo no yanbu..

No one knows the ins and outs of your relationship, and you're right, one post doesn't tell all. You're feelings are for a reason and are valid. Everyone loves a bit of extrema behaviour and drama..

It's common curtosy to let your other half know where in the world they are, they're home safe, who they're with.. It's normal conversation, why SHOULDN'T you know?it does no harm, is no effort for dh and reassures you.

Have you sat down with him and explained why you feel as you do and you'd really appreciate a drop in text? What does he say?

I get similar feelings and can get on dps case sometimes when I know I shouldn't, but I get an uneasy feeling and I'm working on it but after I explain why and how I got there he understands.

I think this is maybe a case of I love you and would do anything for you/reassure you. Why won't you do the same for me? It's not retaliated, do you think?

I go out a fair bit in London with friends/work colleagues and do nothing more than send one text (or mention it the night before if it's been planned) saying I won't be home usual time, out for a drink/meal.

I think if I put that level of detail in a text - location, who with, what train home ... DH would think I'd gone mad!! And plans change, we might move pubs, I might miss that train home .....

I wouldn't be able to cope with that in a partner. When I'm home I'm home, I can't stick to rigid timescales, same when DH goes out.

I always think that you should read these posts as if they were written by a man rather than a woman. I would think them horribly controlling. I don't think that they should have agreed to message at any point apart from at the end. Just to know that they are safe.

I sympathise with this I'm just someone who is battling very hard to prevent a past experience from affecting the present I had a bit of this from my DP when we first got together. He was cheated on for 5 years by his ex DW and it's left its mark.

At the beginning he'd get these little irrational moments where he'd double check plans I'd made and that I was where I said I was and pull me up on things when I contradicted myself.

I was very patient and understanding but at the same time firmly reminded him each time that I am not his ex-wife and if he doesn't work on this behaviour we won't be able to have a relationship.

It's taken a lot of very honest and open communication, a lot of patience and a lot of chats that go on long into the night but things are much much better now - I can't even remember the last time he had a funny moment but even if he'd did he'd communicate it differently now - saying something like "What you just said made me feel irrationally jealous because of my past. I know it's irrational but I'm just letting you know that's how I'm feeling".

I do think, though, that instead of expecting him to limitlessly indulge your paranoia you need to try and communicate with him about the cause of your feelings and bring him into the conversation.

You're doomed otherwise OP; living in constant fear of your partner cheating is no way to live - and likewise you'll make him feel alienated and unhappy because you can't seem to trust him.

A good place to start might be to ask yourself this; which of these statements feels truest in your heart of hearts:
"I seek reassurance from DP about where he is and who he's with because I feel like he may be unfaithful to me"
"I seek reassurance from DP about where he is and who he's with because it soothes my anxiety about him being unfaithful (which I know is irrational because I do trust him)"

You need to both make the effort to overcome this issue. TALK TO HIM. Good luck!

I find this all terribly weird, as it's so different from my life. I never tell DH where I'm going or text to say when I'll be back! He similarly never does either. He has been on 2 week work trips before and we've heard nothing apart from 'Arrived/Leaving'. People are all so different, is the conclusion I've come to....

OP, I suspect he didn't text because deep down he resents having to. I get that - me and DH are sometimes like that about other things. How are you two going to resolve it, though?

I think most people tell their partners what they are doing in general terms. They don't update about every aspect of the evening.

So at 8.30 you knew your DH was out at his work party. At 1.30 he was still out at the work do (which is of course exactly what he would have texted you, if he'd gone back to a woman's place).

The other week I told DH I was going to x pub with some friends. When we actually got there we found it was heaving so we decided to go to y pub instead. Did I text DH to tell him this? No, because there's no need for him to know. He knew I was out with my friends, he didn't expect to have a blow by blow account of the evening.

Oh OP, you've taken this very well. For what it's worth, I used to be just like you. And I was frightened to get help because I was scared that if I didn't continue to be anxious and paranoid it would give my husband the room to cheat. In the end I DID get help and it has changed my life for the better. You don't have to live feeling like this. You can trust your husband, properly trust him. And it will be better.

You mention other problems in the relationship. I wonder whether you’re perhaps focusing on one aspect of the relationship because you have a sense of vague unease about the relationship as a whole, because a general feeling of unease is too nebulous to seek opinions about.

Texting twice on a night out is about par for the course. More detail would only be needed if you’d planned to meet up after, or you were picking him up for a lift home.

Lack of respect would be not bothering to tell you he was going out and leaving you at home worrying, or leaving you stuck with children when he’s supposed to be at home parenting. Any cheating on his part would obviously show a lack of respect, but him texting you about his night out would have no bearing g on whether he was cheating or not.

I get he was at a works do but instead of texting her at 1.30 to say he's back at the hotel why not a quick phone call to say night, love you. Just as easy

I get the impression he wasn’t back in the hotel. He had moved locations.
I thought he was supposed to text when he got back in the hotel but the op hadn’t heard from him so ended up contacting him for a response.

He would have probably texted when he returned to the hotel but didn’t get the chance

It’s very difficult to unpick from your posts OP. Are you being a bit controlling because you’re worried history will repeat itself?

Or is he being uncommunicative and disappearing off without giving you the common courtesy of letting you know where he’ll be and what time he’ll be back?

The two situations are very different.

You said he’s let you down recently in other ways - what happened?

You are conflating him and your ex forgetting they are entirely separate people. Your DP is not guaranteed to cheat but honestly, he could text you all hours of the day and still be cheating. Unless you keep him prisoner, he could potentially cheat. You need to let go of the misplaced mistrust and gain some self esteem. Currently you are being fairly controlling and it’s not attractive.

That sounds like a plan, @AmINormalOrInsecure. Best of luck sorting it. You're right that it won't always be easy; but progress is progress, and you'll get there.

All the best

I think if he's consistent that's they key. And acknowledges what your expectations are likely to be.

My exh cheated and I did get (on paper) very controllingnin the last few weeks. I'd confronted him that he was distant and out a lot and guarding his phone and he denied anything was any different. Due to the change in his behavior I did check where he was and when he was back.

I don't feel the need to do that with DP as he offers the info and, as I mentioned in my last post, if he forgets he apologises (doesn't question why i'd expect it at all)

I think it's reasonable to know when your partner is going out / coming home, other than that it's nice to know where they're planning on going and who with but not essential.

Any texts or updates should be a bonus.

My DP goes out every Friday & Saturday and if I'm free I go with him. Sometimes he'll text me loads, sometimes not at all, and that's fine because I know when I expect to see him next and he doesn't owe me any explanation about what he's doing in the meantime.

There's a lot to be said for trust...
(and yes, ExH did cheat on me but that doesn't mean DP will so I trust him)

slashlover what do you mean you have to text your mum?

Just an expression, as I get off the bus she'll say "Text me when you get home." I say the same to her if she's not with my dad because it makes me feel better to know. She doesn't kick off or anything.

OP I’m so sorry you’re getting a bashing here. I think people are really drawing some unfair conclusions about how you are and how you would react. People assuming you would have thrown a strop if you hadn’t got your own way or that you’re going to now is totally assuming youre that sort of character and to me you don’t sound that way. You were looking for some genuine advice about something that was niggling you. None of us know the ins and outs but I really hope he’s one of those people you can chat through all this with and come up with a solution that keeps you both happy :)

I'm with you on this one.. I like to know where and who and how you're getting back.... and yes you call me controlling but idgaf.. (my sister died in a hit and run waking home from a night out) my DP thankfully is very accommodating. x

It is seriously not easy (or polite) to text more than a few times when you are out in company. It really is rude if you re eating (for example) and someone gets out their phone to text their partner telling them whst they are doing. If you are that bothered, then just use the find my phone app - I assume he will not have an issue with this. And FFS stop hassling him. Adults are allowed out and if he is going to cheat, then you won't stop him by hassling him.

I couldn’t live like this OP. Either you trust him or you don’t- and if you don’t, why are you still with him?

I know that sounds overly simplistic and I really do feel for you. I can see why your history has made you feel this way. But it’s a false assurance. He can text you all night and still have an affair: I’m not saying he would (you know more than us if he’s likely to cheat) but obsessing about the texts is a complete waste of energy and is likely to simply cause resentment.