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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked relatives to contribute to food

202 replies

Whyohwhyo · 17/12/2018 14:45

This year for Christmas day it'll just be me, dp and ds. We wanted a low key day just the three of us as its DS first Christmas.

Neither of us have a tremendous amount of contact with our respective families but two of my relatives live fairly close by.

DP said if they wanted to then they're welcome to come round on Christmas eve if they were going to be alone and can have a pre Christmas meal with us if they like, spend a bit of time with DS and have a catch up.

We're on a tight budget at the moment as saving and preparing for DD1s arrival early next year and also a deposit. We budgeted for Christmas down to a tee. DP didn't fancy paying for two loads of meats (theirs on Christmas eve as well as ours on Christmas day) plus drinks and everything else twice all on him - so he asked whether they'd mind picking up a small joint of whatever they wanted and bringing it with them. For reference aldi/lidl do meats plenty big enough for 4 for under a tenner, so they're looking at £5 each maximum. A chicken from there is a few quid. They could have bought bloody sausages if they wanted to.

We'd be providing everything else, trimmings, alcohol, nibbles etc.

Relative 1 (my DM) said absolutely fine no problem she's looking forward to coming and that she'll relay that to relative 2 who's my aunt.

My DM calls me back a while later and says she spoke to my aunt (who was previously looking forward to coming) and said she got huffy and said "well that's a bit much to ask isn't it?"

Is it? Were we being unreasonable? Her response has got my back up a bit and I'm not sure whether I have the right to be annoyed.

Aunt is much better off than we are, a lot more disposable money and no children or high outgoings, so I don't think chipping in a fiver maximum would have hurt? The dinner was optional by the way, they'd have been welcome to come for drinks and snacks regardless.

OP posts:
Snowwontbelong · 17/12/2018 14:46

Suggest they book a table elsewhere. Grabby fuckers!!
Yanbu to expect contributions imo!!

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 17/12/2018 14:51

They visit another sister every year in early December who takes them out for a posh pre Christmas meal (much better off than we are) and they don't mind paying their train fares and expenses to go all the way there to see her for that family meal - but spending a few quid on meat is apparently a big ask from us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 17/12/2018 14:51

They visit another sister every year in early December who takes them out for a posh pre Christmas meal (much better off than we are) and they don't mind paying their train fares and expenses to go all the way there to see her for that family meal - but spending a few quid on meat is apparently a big ask from us.

We included presents for them in our budget this year and don't expect anything in return.

OP posts:
pfwow · 17/12/2018 14:54

I think YABU. When you invite a couple of people like this, you invite them to spend time with you, and you provide the meal. Asking them to pay for meat seems grabby and negates the original gesture.

You should have taken your budget and bought something that could have fed all of you for less, like buy some mince and make a cottage pie or a lasagne. Or else just have invited them over for tea and cakes. It's pretty crass to ask them to bring meat.

SilverLining10 · 17/12/2018 14:57

This is embarrassing really. It's two people and one being your own mother. Rather not invite them then ask them to bring their own food. How much more would they actually eat.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2018 14:58

Sorry, but you don't invite someone to dinner and then say, "by the way, bring your own food." If you can afford to entertain, don't extend the invitation.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2018 14:59

*can't

Christmasgone2018 · 17/12/2018 14:59

This is the second post I’ve read about people asking relatives for food / money at Christmas and think the first one ended up on the daily fail.
So I’ll say what I said then. It’s greedy and it’s tacky. You don’t ask family for food or money when you invite her to join you for a meal
If you can’t afford to host, don’t invite people. If you can only afford beans on toast invite them for that. As you say a chicken costs a couple of quid so why don’t you buy it then? If you can save for a deposit you can buy a chicken

otheractivities · 17/12/2018 14:59

You dont invite people and then ask them to pay . You say you are only expecting them to pay £10 between them .....you cant be on that tight of a budget
You could ask them to bring round a couple of coals for the fire , or even a candle to huddle round

YourEggnogIsBetterThanMine · 17/12/2018 14:59

I think YABU

DP said if they wanted to then they're welcome to come round on Christmas eve if they were going to be alone and can have a pre Christmas meal with us if they like, spend a bit of time with DS and have a catch up.

You've invited them for a Christmas meal then asked them to supply the main part! Most guests would ask "anything I can bring?" then you could suggest "ooh maybe wine or dessert?". But "come for dinner and bring it with you" is cheeky.

Usernumbers1234 · 17/12/2018 15:00

I sympathise, but think YABU. Like you say, it’s an insignificant amount. I get that you are saving for a deposit and baby, but buying a chicken isn’t going to make or break that if you are doing everything else anyway.

Don’t keep comparing yourself to others and making assumptions about their income and financial position, it’s not got anything to do with whether you are happy to host them and feed them, you either are or you aren’t.

7yo7yo · 17/12/2018 15:00

Agree with other posters, don’t invite them but don’t ask them for money!

IrmaFayLear · 17/12/2018 15:01

I agree. They're not coming for the actual Christmas dinner, just a meal beforehand. As you say, a Lidl chicken etc is not expensive, so why not buy it yourself?

Also, in my experience, if someone brings a contribution, no matter how meagre, to an event, you never hear the last of it. They expect you to be grateful for some Basics/Smart Price mince pies and crow about their generosity (that would be the pil).

ShatnersWig · 17/12/2018 15:02

This is not going to go well, OP....

Usernumbers1234 · 17/12/2018 15:02

And you do see the “asking for money for Christmas dinner” threads on here, but I only think it’s acceptable for some huge event where say Grandma is hosting for 4 families of 4 and it’s not practical for them to “bring dessert” in which case I can see an argument for a whip around so Grandma can buy it all in. But not when you’ve invited one family for dinner with you.

TakeMe2Insanity · 17/12/2018 15:03

YABU. Yes it maybe cheap to buy a joint of whatever, but it’s the same cheap for you. If you don’t want to host don’t invite them round, if you want to eat their meat/food go visit them. Bring a dish sounds more informal than bring the main star attraction.

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 17/12/2018 15:04

The meal was optional, they were welcome to come for snacks and drinks regardless and they were made aware of this at the point I relayed to DM what DP had suggested.

Taking on board the thoughts that he/we are BU though.

OP posts:
RandomObject · 17/12/2018 15:04

I don't think it's grabby or tacky to ask for contributions (ESPECIALLY when it is family - they know you and your situation) but I think it looks better to ask them to bring a side/potluck dish/dessert than the meat itself.

These 'if you can't afford all the food and drink you can't host' people all must either be very rich or have very little social life.

CherryPavlova · 17/12/2018 15:05

If my children were on a tight budget, I’d happily turn up with food. Actually, I turn up with food anyway. Of course it’s not rude as long as it’s communicated properly. Lots of friendship groups and families bring along something to share.

Reallybadidea · 17/12/2018 15:05

You will get lots of different responses to this and I think it comes down to people's own family culture/upbringing. In my family and social circle it is very normal to ask guests to bring some food and if you're the guest to offer to bring something even if not asked. Likewise helping to offer help in serving food, washing up afterwards etc.

In DH's family these things would be considered very rude.

I don't think you were wrong, but perhaps you've misjudged your family's 'norms'? Having said that I think your aunt is unspeakably rude to object to a polite request. If she felt offended then she could simply have declined the offer.

Purpleartichoke · 17/12/2018 15:06

We are visiting family for Xmas dinner who can easily afford to host completely, but we are still bringing a contribution to the meal. It’s just polite. Everyone pitches in.

Usernumbers1234 · 17/12/2018 15:06

Random - I get that when you are talking about hosting a huge family gathering, but this is OPs household +2. Very different circumstance.

peakSafeSpace · 17/12/2018 15:06

I'm on the fence.

'Bring the meat' sounds grabby as I always like to take nice things when invited somewhere. Especially if you / my invitee thinks I have plenty of disposable cash. I wouldn't want to appear cheap. Also, 'meat' tends to be the centre piece. Supplying the veg or accompaniments sounds like the cheap option.

At the same time, I have no problem with people having pot lucks or BYOB. It makes hosting less of a daunting task and I'd rather attend 20 of these than 5 fully-catered events.

Asking them to bring a side-dish would have somehow seemed better. I think. Maybe.

Got to go. Getting splinters in my arse!

Holidayshopping · 17/12/2018 15:07

Did you invite them for a meal or just the evening-drinks/crisps etc?

DragonMamma · 17/12/2018 15:08

I wouldn’t ask somebody to bring the meat, especially if you are going to cook a chicken for a fiver or a couple of quid on a packet of sausages.

By all means ask them to bring a dessert or something else but not the main meal!

I actually find the snacks and nibbles the most expensive part of hosting anyway. The price of cashews, pistachios, a Spanish meat platter, some cheese etc. all adds up. It’s usually cheaper to do a roast or a lasagne!