To have asked relatives to contribute to food

[Whyohwhyo]

This year for Christmas day it'll just be me, dp and ds. We wanted a low key day just the three of us as its DS first Christmas.

Neither of us have a tremendous amount of contact with our respective families but two of my relatives live fairly close by.

DP said if they wanted to then they're welcome to come round on Christmas eve if they were going to be alone and can have a pre Christmas meal with us if they like, spend a bit of time with DS and have a catch up.

We're on a tight budget at the moment as saving and preparing for DD1s arrival early next year and also a deposit. We budgeted for Christmas down to a tee. DP didn't fancy paying for two loads of meats (theirs on Christmas eve as well as ours on Christmas day) plus drinks and everything else twice all on him - so he asked whether they'd mind picking up a small joint of whatever they wanted and bringing it with them. For reference aldi/lidl do meats plenty big enough for 4 for under a tenner, so they're looking at £5 each maximum. A chicken from there is a few quid. They could have bought bloody sausages if they wanted to.

We'd be providing everything else, trimmings, alcohol, nibbles etc.

Relative 1 (my DM) said absolutely fine no problem she's looking forward to coming and that she'll relay that to relative 2 who's my aunt.

My DM calls me back a while later and says she spoke to my aunt (who was previously looking forward to coming) and said she got huffy and said "well that's a bit much to ask isn't it?"

Is it? Were we being unreasonable? Her response has got my back up a bit and I'm not sure whether I have the right to be annoyed.

Aunt is much better off than we are, a lot more disposable money and no children or high outgoings, so I don't think chipping in a fiver maximum would have hurt? The dinner was optional by the way, they'd have been welcome to come for drinks and snacks regardless.

I suppose it was just a crappy and awkward suggestion of your husband's. To me, it sounds a bit strange to say they could stay for an optional dinner if they provided it.

I have done Christmas dinner on the day and our parents (mine and DH) offered to bring something. One brought Christmas pudding, one brought a gammon joint (their favourite and we made turkey) but I would never have asked!

May have been better to ask for sides or nibbles and you get the meat. Or when inviting making it clear it was a fuddle type of thing rather than inviting for a meal then later asking them to bring it. They make think it's rude as you are getting a meal out of them (ish) xx

I think we are all at where we are at... if you have space and a table and invite people and ask to share and bring, then that's lovely, it's wehre you are at. People get into a big muddle to impress or pretend to be something they are not. If people forget that other people are on other budgets then they are mad, If you invited me, and asked me to bring something then I would be delighted to share and would be more delighted that you were real enough to be open about where you are at financially! Stay as you are.... Merry christmas

I can totally understand why you asked and if you were my family I’d happily bring it. Mind you, you wouldn’t have to ask, i’d Ask you what you wanted

I think in this case also it was fine. As you’ve explained many times it was for drinks and nibbles, with a meal add on option if they wanted, but could they bring some meat please.

I can't quite articulate why asking someone to bring the main bit of the meal isn't OK but it's fine to ask them to bring a side or two, or dessert (but in my head that's how it is)

YABU

This is very strange. It’s like you’re playing the Good Samaritan inviting the poor lonely people for Xmas but only if you’ll be compensated by then bring the meat!

Why didn’t you either just invite them for nibbles or ask them to bring a bottle to drink which would have probably worked out more expensive than the meat anyway! Very odd

Sorry but this is your mum.. The mum who you say is spending Christmas day alone
Your mum who has been casually invited for a drink and few nibbles and BTW if you want a meal bring the meat.. Assuming you will cook it when she gets there. So is that 2 hours of not drinking or eating to much whilst they wait for dinner to be served. Will your mum be expected to cook it ???
I think your Aunt is probably indignant on your mum's behalf And your mun who is happy to be included in your xmas no matter how small a part that seems to be.
Good on your Aunt I say

Yes and no .. you did invite them so unless at the time you said “oh we could do a meal if we all chip in” then after the fact I’d be abit like “what the?”
I always bring a couple of bottles of wine or something for pudding though

YABU if you cant afford to host dont invite people for dinner, simple. Often guests will offer to bring something and a bottle of wine or dessert is acceptable- telling them to bring their own dinner is quite rude.

It would have been much better to request different things, i.e. could one of you bring a pud please & one of you a bottle of xxx.
That seems far more acceptable.
To be honest, when you extended the invite and they accepted, the next question should always be 'what can I bring' so they are being UR too.

You shouldn't invite people over and ask them to bring the mains. It's rude..sorry. You could ask them to bring the dessert/cheese board or a bottle of wine.

I think this is a very strange request and I canidmertsnad your Aunt being put out. I always turn up with a contribution to a meal/ get together but I wouldn’t be happy to be asked to bring the actual meat for the main meal?! Also I’d be mortified to ask someone else to bring that with them if I’d was hosting. Usually a bottle of something/ dessert/ a gift for the host is ideal. I went to my friends for a cuppa and a catch-up the other day, so I took some fancy biscuits and my other friend brought a cake to share - lovely! I can’t even imagine if she’d said “I’ll provide the fancy biscuits, you just binge some cheap teabags from Lidl that’ll be cheaper for you”... how odd!!! That’s essentially what you have done.

It's times like these I'm both baffled at the lot of you, and at the same time glad I'm autistic for once. So many of you must live in such dreadfully judgmental inner-worlds all the time.

Why on earth can't someone say "bring xyz for dinner if you'd like to come over", ESPECIALLY to their own family?

It's just stuff, just food, and when someone's struggling they should be able to ask a close family member for something without causing an entire world of drama. The real point is spending time together surely?

So fuck it, YANBU OP.

I think family would understand I take food to my friends because she is poorer than I am and I want to see her so it's no problem.

Your aunt seems like a grabby person

DM wouldn't have been alone for Christmas she is going to be with my aunt, just the two of them.

I would've happily had DM round for Christmas day had she come on her own but she wouldn't have because then her sister would've been alone and the pair are inseparable which means I haven't seen much of DM since I fell out with my aunt.

There was a falling out not too long ago which I won't bore everybody with the details of, but myself and aunt weren't on the best of terms through no fault of my own. I chose to buy them both a Christmas present regardless.

We've all been low contact since but DM expressed a desire to see DS over Christmas so DP who has remained unbiased suggested they could come round for Christmas eve drinks and nibbles.

With a big Christmas meal the next day we had no intention of hosting a dinner but he suggested it as an option if they wanted to have a meal, and said if they do then please pick up whatever it is you'd like. In the past when they'd visit we'd always cook for them. We provided nice drinks and nibbles regardless which I admittedly did through gritted teeth as I'd rather not spend much time with my aunt at all.

I can see people's points, though.

I can't believe the amount of people saying it's greedy, my dad has just built his own house and waiting on his and my stepmums house to sell so they don't have a lot of money to put towards Christmas dinner like other years so me and my siblings are all contributing and bringing food, I have been put in charge of soft drinks for my own children as they're the youngest there and desserts and I am more than happy to do that I don't think it's cheeky at all, you are offering up your home for Christmas the last the can do is bring a bit of food! Of everyone chips in it makes it a lot easier, it's a family Christmas just because it's your house doesn't mean others shouldn't help out financially

I think if you invited them you shouldnt ask for money. If theyve asked you to host/invited themselves and you cant afford it them yes its fine.

I think is absolutely embarrassing for you OP to be such a tightarse.
If you couldn't afford it, then you shouldn't have invited them. They will be telling everyone and laughing at you.

@Rudgie47 in which case they wouldn't be welcome to come and could quite frankly fuck off. Why would I want people at my house who laugh at me behind my back. That speaks volumes, much more so than a young family with financial restraints asking relatives to contribute

Fortunately my DM isn't like that and has no problem whatsoever with the request.

The aunt saying its a bit much and your dm telling you i would put money on is your dm also not agreeing with it, but not wanting to admit it in case it causes conflict. I know as my mam does it and its so they can avoid saying its also what they think so u dont get upset at them.

In future just ask them to bring drinks. It doesn't sound too grabby and saves you money.

Yeah I can see your point of you view if they usually turn up empty-handed. I think that is a mean spirited. Why can't they bring a drink or desert.

Why isn't your mum being supportive in this.

I do believe DM doesn't mind because when she relayed what my aunt had said she said herself "but don't worry because I'm still happy to get it"

If we were financially comfortable I wouldn't dream of asking. We're not.

Then, in your particular case, you don't host. Your DP invited them round so you should pay for the food. The cost of who would pay how much and for what is immaterial.

To be honest I don't even want to host, I'm happy to sack the whole thing off and DM can spend Christmas eve with her sister as well as Christmas day. DP suggested it so DM could spend some time with DS.

The comment about them laughing behind my back has pissed me off, I don't think my DM would do that but I can imagine my aunt slagging us off for it. The thought alone has annoyed me and got my back up given the bad blood between us lately.

I don't see why I should have to pay and cook for somebody I don't like, just so I can see my DM and my DM see her grandson over Christmas. So I won't be doing.

DM knows she'd be welcome on Christmas day on her own and I wouldn't have asked her to contribute as Christmas Dinner is already bought, but won't leave her sister which I totally understand.