To have asked relatives to contribute to food

[Whyohwhyo]

This year for Christmas day it'll just be me, dp and ds. We wanted a low key day just the three of us as its DS first Christmas.

Neither of us have a tremendous amount of contact with our respective families but two of my relatives live fairly close by.

DP said if they wanted to then they're welcome to come round on Christmas eve if they were going to be alone and can have a pre Christmas meal with us if they like, spend a bit of time with DS and have a catch up.

We're on a tight budget at the moment as saving and preparing for DD1s arrival early next year and also a deposit. We budgeted for Christmas down to a tee. DP didn't fancy paying for two loads of meats (theirs on Christmas eve as well as ours on Christmas day) plus drinks and everything else twice all on him - so he asked whether they'd mind picking up a small joint of whatever they wanted and bringing it with them. For reference aldi/lidl do meats plenty big enough for 4 for under a tenner, so they're looking at £5 each maximum. A chicken from there is a few quid. They could have bought bloody sausages if they wanted to.

We'd be providing everything else, trimmings, alcohol, nibbles etc.

Relative 1 (my DM) said absolutely fine no problem she's looking forward to coming and that she'll relay that to relative 2 who's my aunt.

My DM calls me back a while later and says she spoke to my aunt (who was previously looking forward to coming) and said she got huffy and said "well that's a bit much to ask isn't it?"

Is it? Were we being unreasonable? Her response has got my back up a bit and I'm not sure whether I have the right to be annoyed.

Aunt is much better off than we are, a lot more disposable money and no children or high outgoings, so I don't think chipping in a fiver maximum would have hurt? The dinner was optional by the way, they'd have been welcome to come for drinks and snacks regardless.

@Aaaahfuck I've been defending my thought process yes, but thinking outside of my (very biased) box.. I do agree that it's probably quite unreasonable in general.

For anyone reading it that hasn't put up with crap from the relative that I have, I can see why it sounds very bad mannered.

@Lettermethis I'm laughing

Do you think your aunt was sincerely offended as a 'breach of hospitality' to be asked to buy the meat, or do you think she is choosing to be offended because she sees it as a personal slight because the two of you had been on the 'outs'?

Not that it makes any difference, I guess.

@AcrossthePond55 my bet would be the latter..

YABU!!! If you can’t afford to host, then don’t invite! That’s mad, charging your mother and aunt for dinner. Bet there was plenty of times years ago when your mother was saving for things and I bet she didn’t ask you to pay for your dinner, while you lived in her house, for free!!😐

I live in a deprived lower WC area, if families didn't pitch in, meet-ups wouldn't happen.

I'm of the frame of mind that you don't 'host' family. In times gone by, everyone would contribute.

I know that my eldest DD is struggling, she has essential house repairs and my middle one is a LP, so I wouldn't dream of expecting them to feed me.

If my DD was the OP I would have given her the money and told the others not to worry.

Does your aunt not have her own family to visit?

Er is this a joke?! Super bizarre to invite people for dinner and then ask them to bring the main course!! To be it would sounds like you are trying to freeload off them.

I'm sure they would have contributed in the normal way people do which is bringing either a bottle of wine or some sort of pudding. It's not the value that's the problem it's to do with what you've actually asked it's bizarre and tbh usually the host would need the meat upfront in order to prepare and start cooking it.

I'd never invite someone over then tell them to bring there own food. Especially family! If be mortified.

I think if you’re on a budget so strict that a £4 chicken between 4 is a burden, you either don’t offer to host, or you cut back on the “extras” such as alcohol etc.

I have one question that I haven't seen you even slightly address.

When you asked them to bring meat if they wanted a meal, were you planning to cook it and stand there watching them eat their meat or were you and your DH planning on eating the meat they bought too?

Does your aunt not have her own family to visit?
They are her family.

No I meant her own dc. She seems manipulative of your dm and controlling

@Mumofaprinny the last time I lived with DM I was about to turn sixteen. As soon as she stopped getting CB for me I was out on my ear and I didn't return for regular meals either.

@BettyBitchface we didn't want a big meal in the first place, we were having a Christmas eve buffet type tea (sandwiches, nibbles etc) which I wasn't asking them to contribute to. The cooked meal was for their benefit if they wanted one instead of the snack food. DP said he's happy to cook whatever they want if they wanted something else and if so could they choose something between them and bring it.

@woodhill she doesn't have her own DC no, and she is very controlling of DM. She gets jealous when DM spends time with me and DS, because DM is with her the majority of the time.

If you can’t afford best to not invite people IMO
Sorry but that’s how it rolls

To clarify and clear up any confusion for those who haven't read the full thread and all of my responses.

We were providing snack foods and drinks regardless, however because they are used to having a meal when we invite them round, dp said if they wanted a cooked meal they were welcome to have one here but could they get what they wanted.

We didn't plan a big roast and expect them to pay for it for our benefit. We weren't going to cook in the first place. For the past few Xmas eves we've done a buffet type thing because we don't want a big meal ahead of the one on Christmas day.

If they wanted a meal we were happy to cook it but didn't want to fork our for two big meals (Christmas eve and then day) when we had no intention of cooking on Christmas eve in the first place.

Oh that's interesting. Is she older than your dm? Shame she can't support you. Are they both elderly?

@woodhill she's a year younger than DM, both are in their early sixties and fit and well so not quite elderly.

Blimey Whyohwhyo I think with the relationships as they are, the problems your aunt caused, not living with your mum since 16 etc, they are very lucky that you invite/put up with them at all. It sounds complicated. I hope you manage to have a good Xmas with your OH and son.

If people choose to bring a bottle your host says 'wow, thank you, you shouldn't have, shall we open it now?'. If you've booked the meat gift then it's not so much of a gesture is it? Seriously if that side of gammon was only £2 why on earth did you suggest you'd provide the shiraz?

YAB absolutely U. If you are genuinely on the breadline without a penny to spare, then don't invite guests for a meal. Give them a cup of tea and a biscuit instead.

However, if you are in a position to save for a house deposit, I find it difficult to believe that you are unable to feed a couple of extra people for one meal. Buy some mince, make spaghetti bolognese. Could be done for under £5 for all of you. You are being tight and not behaving in the generous spirit of Christmas.

@SoftSheen were frantically saving a deposit because we live in a one bedroom flat with a toddler, and are due dc2 early next year after conceiving whilst on the coil. When we found out we were expecting we'd surpassed the stage where a medical abortion was possible, and I couldn't bring myself to go through a surgical one. I'd bonded with the baby.

It's not as though we're leisurely putting money aside slowly, we're very much in a rush to move and need every penny we can get.

I digress.

Writing all of this down has lead me to reflect and I've come to the conclusion that for me it's mainly about not wanting to host them after the recent drama caused by the aunt and I've felt emotionally blackmailed into having them round regardless. In light of that i've dug my heels in a bit and had a bit of a "why should we pay for people to come for dinner when we don't actually want them here" attitude.

Probably a bit childish but unless I derail the thread and yabber on about what the aunts actually done, I don't expect people to understand (but thank you to the ones who sort of get it)

I do appreciate all other views too.

We could buy a chicken or something ourselves of course we could, but we weren't planning on cooking in the first place.

With the unresolved tension in the air, it wasn't particularly appealing to go out of my way for their benefit when I'd rather not have to deal with it at all.

DP said if they wanted to then they're welcome to come round on Christmas eve if they were going to be alone and can have a pre Christmas meal with us if they like, spend a bit of time with DS and have a catch up.

‘Come over if you fancy, on xmas eve? You can catch up and play with ds. You can have dinner with us too, but please provide your own meat.’

It’s just weird to say that at all.

Op I can't help notice that you haven't responded to PP concerns that your DH sounds a bit stingy and controlling. Was it one-off behaviour on his part? I don't think your DH bought out the best in you during that conversation. If you follow his lead in future, you might become more isolated from friends and family. Hopefully that isn't the case. But after this you can be on alert for it.

@DianaT1969 he's not stingy and controlling about money usually no. There was any deliberate malice on his part when he suggested that.

He's worked alot of over time to give us a nice Christmas alongside hastily saving for a much needed deposit, so whilst money is tight right now he's not actually tight in general.

This thread has made me hungry! I think I'll be of to Ali/Lidl for some of that yummy looking meat tomorrow