To have asked relatives to contribute to food

[Whyohwhyo]

This year for Christmas day it'll just be me, dp and ds. We wanted a low key day just the three of us as its DS first Christmas.

Neither of us have a tremendous amount of contact with our respective families but two of my relatives live fairly close by.

DP said if they wanted to then they're welcome to come round on Christmas eve if they were going to be alone and can have a pre Christmas meal with us if they like, spend a bit of time with DS and have a catch up.

We're on a tight budget at the moment as saving and preparing for DD1s arrival early next year and also a deposit. We budgeted for Christmas down to a tee. DP didn't fancy paying for two loads of meats (theirs on Christmas eve as well as ours on Christmas day) plus drinks and everything else twice all on him - so he asked whether they'd mind picking up a small joint of whatever they wanted and bringing it with them. For reference aldi/lidl do meats plenty big enough for 4 for under a tenner, so they're looking at £5 each maximum. A chicken from there is a few quid. They could have bought bloody sausages if they wanted to.

We'd be providing everything else, trimmings, alcohol, nibbles etc.

Relative 1 (my DM) said absolutely fine no problem she's looking forward to coming and that she'll relay that to relative 2 who's my aunt.

My DM calls me back a while later and says she spoke to my aunt (who was previously looking forward to coming) and said she got huffy and said "well that's a bit much to ask isn't it?"

Is it? Were we being unreasonable? Her response has got my back up a bit and I'm not sure whether I have the right to be annoyed.

Aunt is much better off than we are, a lot more disposable money and no children or high outgoings, so I don't think chipping in a fiver maximum would have hurt? The dinner was optional by the way, they'd have been welcome to come for drinks and snacks regardless.

These 'if you can't afford all the food and drink you can't host' people all must either be very rich or have very little social life.

No, but you manage it accordingly. If you can't afford to host a full meal, you invite them round for nibbles or cake and mince pies. Or you discuss it like normal people and say "shall we all get together on Xmas Eve and we'll each bring a bit so X does a starter, Y does the main, Z does the dessert". That's totally different to inviting someone round for a meal and THEN going back and saying "hey, bring the meat will you?"

I wasn't planning on having them round over Christmas as it were. DP suggested I invite them if they were going to be on their own and the suggestion for them to pick up whatever meat it was that they fancied was his on the basis that they might want dinner, but didn't have to.

The invitation stood regardless of whether or not they wanted the meal.

I was feeling guilt tripped about them being alone for Christmas day so extended the offer and let them decide what they wanted to do.

Personally I'd rather not host at all as I'm already low contact with them for an unrelated reason but did buy gifts just to keep the peace, I think perhaps with that in mind (a strained relationship) that's why I've not been more accommodating when under usual circumstances I would be.

I have no problem being told I'm U and can see why

I would have invited them round for the evening and apologised that you couldn’t afford to feed them but they were welcome to come earlier to eat if they wanted to contribute to their share of the meal. Otherwise it sounds like you want them to pay for your Christmas meal.

It’s your mum and your aunt. Two people. They’re hardly going to eat a whole chicken or the equivalent.
I don’t think you should’ve asked them to bring the meat.
You could just make a bit extra of whatever you’re having and fed them.

I would of just bought the joint of meat . For the sake of £10 it's not worth the row

I think you sound really grabby telling guests to bring meat. In that situation I would have made the kids their fav everyday meals and reserved the roast plus trimmings for the grown ups.

YANBU - why should you be expected to provide everything?

you are providing everything else, you'd just like some help with part of the meal and that is not a lot to ask!

I'm guessing they are the kind to turn up empty handed too?! not even a cheap bottle of plonk as a gesture?

We suggested aldi or lidl whereby the meat would be cheaper than the alcohol and combined snacks we'd be buying.

I think the fact it was the meat we requested is what's pissed people off because they assume its the most expensive part.

Had we said bring a bottle of gin I don't think anyone would think we're being grabby, even though that would cost twice as much.

Like I said they could have brought whatever they wanted. Chicken, sausages, lamb. It was about what they wanted to eat, if they wanted to eat.

I wouldn’t have asked them to bring the meat because I would have started cooking it long before any guests had arrived!

Why didn’t you ask them to bring some booze instead?

If we were to suggest not bringing the meat but bring a bottle of something, or a nice desert, they'd likely be spending more than they would on the meat. Interestingly I don't think people would find that grabby? It's the fact it's the meat that has peoples backs up.

When I went to a meal at my aunts last year I took her a bottle of her favourite gin which cost loads more than any of the little bits of meat in aldi.

I don’t think you should have effectively told them what to bring. You should have just said you’d like a contribution to the food/drink and to let you know what they would be bringing, so you didn’t double up.

I don't know why but asking them to bring the main course sounds cheeky whereas asking them to bring a bottle doesn't - even though I would definitely spend more than a fiver on a bottle of wine I was taking to someone's house. I'm also not sure that saving for a deposit is a socially acceptable reason to ask them to chip in for this whereas actually skint, struggling to pay bills would be. Sorry. What you've asked probably shouldn't be outrageous but it just doesn't quite feel right to me (but then you haven't invited me!)

YABU asking for them to pay for meat that is only going to cost a tenner. I imagine with your Aunt it's not really about not being able to afford a fiver but the bad feeling it's created.

I'm not actually sure tbh. I was on the phone to DM and DP said to ask her to pick up whatever meat they wanted, if they wanted any, so that's what I did.

I didn't stop to think about what I'd ask them to bring as I didn't give it any thought. DP requested that so I put it to my mum who cheerily said sure not a problem I'll let 'barbara' know.

Next thing I know my aunt Barbara has got the hump.

Were not notoriously tight by the way, before things become strained between us we took aunt Barbara out for a birthday meal last year and paid for DM to come along too.

I think you can ask for contributions if you set the whole thing up as a bring-and-share/potluck kind of meal. But generally I would only do that for a larger group.

I think it’s just an odd thing to ask people to bring.

.We always turn up with food at friends houses and they at ours. Family well they need to offer. We are going to family at xmas are providing the turkey, money is tight there. But I think it needs to be an offer rather than asked for. As someone else said make a shepherds pie or pasta dish.

It kind of doesn’t matter if your aunt is wealthy or not - if you invite someone for a meal you can’t ask them to bring the main part of the meal. It seems so inhospitable! If it’ll be so cheap for them to buy the meat, then you should have been prepared to buy it yourself and have asked them to have brought something extra. Was it worth creating bad feeling over this?

DP didn't fancy paying for two loads of meats

So it was actually your DP who begrudged paying for a cheap chicken or a pack of sausages or whatever? I'm sorry but if you have money to save for a deposit then literally a couple of extra quid wouldn't make a significant difference. Is he usually this controlling over money/your family?

Usernumbers1234 - fair enough, but to be honest I think guests turning up without anything is rude. As pp said, it's about what norms you were brought up with.

I think it sounds like you invited them for dinner. In which case YABU to then ask them to bring dinner...

If we were to suggest not bringing the meat but bring a bottle of something, or a nice desert, they'd likely be spending more than they would on the meat. Interestingly I don't think people would find that grabby? It's the fact it's the meat that has peoples backs up.

I think you're right about this, for better or worse; there's something about being asked to bring the 'core' of a meal rather than a 'treat-ish' part of it that doesn't quite sit right with a lot of people.

But she's been such a cow about it that I'd just shrug and say, 'Well, let's forget dinner and you can pop in for a mince pie and a snifter instead.'

If it’s ‘only a few quid’ for a chicken then I would rather have bought it myself than embarrassing myself by asking my mother and aunt to bring their own meat. I’m sure they probably wouldn’t have turned up completely enough handed but to ask someone to provide their own meat if just embarrassing. Would you have asked them if your DP hadn’t suggested it ??

It really isn't worth upsetting people over a few pounds is it. If someone is persistently taking and never contributes anything to family gathering like not even a bottle of wine or anything then just don't invite them again.

Nope the invitation was to come and see DS, have some drinks and nibbles but they could eat here if they wanted to and if they did then could they grab whatever it was they wanted to eat.