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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked relatives to contribute to food

202 replies

Whyohwhyo · 17/12/2018 14:45

This year for Christmas day it'll just be me, dp and ds. We wanted a low key day just the three of us as its DS first Christmas.

Neither of us have a tremendous amount of contact with our respective families but two of my relatives live fairly close by.

DP said if they wanted to then they're welcome to come round on Christmas eve if they were going to be alone and can have a pre Christmas meal with us if they like, spend a bit of time with DS and have a catch up.

We're on a tight budget at the moment as saving and preparing for DD1s arrival early next year and also a deposit. We budgeted for Christmas down to a tee. DP didn't fancy paying for two loads of meats (theirs on Christmas eve as well as ours on Christmas day) plus drinks and everything else twice all on him - so he asked whether they'd mind picking up a small joint of whatever they wanted and bringing it with them. For reference aldi/lidl do meats plenty big enough for 4 for under a tenner, so they're looking at £5 each maximum. A chicken from there is a few quid. They could have bought bloody sausages if they wanted to.

We'd be providing everything else, trimmings, alcohol, nibbles etc.

Relative 1 (my DM) said absolutely fine no problem she's looking forward to coming and that she'll relay that to relative 2 who's my aunt.

My DM calls me back a while later and says she spoke to my aunt (who was previously looking forward to coming) and said she got huffy and said "well that's a bit much to ask isn't it?"

Is it? Were we being unreasonable? Her response has got my back up a bit and I'm not sure whether I have the right to be annoyed.

Aunt is much better off than we are, a lot more disposable money and no children or high outgoings, so I don't think chipping in a fiver maximum would have hurt? The dinner was optional by the way, they'd have been welcome to come for drinks and snacks regardless.

OP posts:
OopsInamechangedagain · 17/12/2018 15:45

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OopsInamechangedagain · 17/12/2018 15:45

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Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 17/12/2018 15:45

They were asked to pop it round the night before (if indeed they wanted a meal) so we could make sure it's cooked and ready for when they got here on xmas eve in the evening. I suppose that makes us even worse now Grin one lives two streets away, couple of mins walk.

In hindsight I could've put it across differently, such as "could you bring a bottle?" but it was a quick interjection during a phone call so I automatically relayed what DP had just said. Personally I'd rather not host at all.

Fwiw they wouldn't have turned up with anything at all without being prompted. Never have. We're a one income young household with a toddler DS, number two on the way and desperately saving for a deposit so we can move into a two bed before DD arrives next year. Three of us crammed into a one bed flat so unless we want to be stuck here when DD arrives then we do have to live as though we're skint.

(cue the responses telling me we're irresponsible conceiving when our living conditions aren't ideal - she's a coil baby and one I bonded with after contemplating a termination)

I know people say financial situations are irrelevant but they're considerably better off than we are at the moment. Despite the restraints we still bought presents for them, which is probably irresponsible given the financial situation, and we didn't plan on hosting but felt guilt tripped because of the reaction we got when we said we wanted to spend Christmas day just the three of us.

Like I say the dinner was optional and left for them to decide if they wanted to eat.

Discussions could have been had if they didn't want to bring the meat I certainly wouldn't make a big deal of it and I'd go and get the damn thing myself if it was that big a problem.. I just really didn't think it would be given we'd be shouldering the bulk of the cost to begin with.

OP posts:
Irishgal123 · 17/12/2018 15:45

I dunno it depends, every year we have a huge family gathering st my aunts and every family brings a main dish And a dessert...so it’s a buffet essentially. So in theory it’s quite the same. But if it’s only 2 extra people a small ham for 5’r isn’t exactly breaking the bank I suppose (for anyone) why don’t you ask them to bring dessert instead??

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 17/12/2018 15:45

My mum didn't mind whatsoever and cheerily replied that it was fine and she was looking forward to it, its when she relayed it to my aunt that my aunt got the hump.

OP posts:
OopsInamechangedagain · 17/12/2018 15:45

Apologies for multiple posts - browser crashed

anniehm · 17/12/2018 15:49

Really it would have been better just to think of a more economical meal to start with - for around £5 you could have cooked a meal and asked them to contribute dessert and wine
(It's really weird to ask for meat as it needs to be the oven a lot earlier

Tumtimes1 · 17/12/2018 15:51

Sorry for multiple posts my browser crashed too!

But yes YABU and I think you know that. :-)

Disfordarkchocolate · 17/12/2018 15:52

If you were my family it wouldn't bother me at all in your financial circumstances. I remember what it was like to budget every single penny.

HSMMaCM · 17/12/2018 15:53

When we go for family meals we all take something. Not usually the main joint though - pudding, wine, nibbles, etc.

grumiosmum · 17/12/2018 15:54

It is a bit odd to ask them to bring the main course!

Fine to say: please bring, say, a pudding or cheese or a bottle of wine.

But rather rude to ask them to bring the focal point of the meal!

Inertia · 17/12/2018 15:57

It would have been less rude to just invite them round for a drink and a mince pie than to to invite them and to bring a major part of the meal the day before.

Either that, or if the meat is the sticking point with expenses then make a cheaper meat-free meal. Your request would have come across as a bit odd, TBH.

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 17/12/2018 15:57

I've just read all of this back and looked at it from their POV. It's not so much funny but I have chuckled to myself as it dawned on me.

"you can come for dinner if you want but you're buying the dinner"

OK fair enough. it's unreasonable Grin

I'll fire off a quick text and try and dig myself out of it..

OP posts:
formerbabe · 17/12/2018 15:59

It's really expensive to host...yanbu.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/12/2018 16:00

IMO, you stick to the entertaining that's in your budget. If you can't afford to feed guests dinner, then don't offer dinner in any shape or form. You certainly don't tell them to 1-go to the store, 2-buy the meat, and 3-deliver it to your house the day before.

But it does depend on the 'customs' in your social circle, doesn't' it? We used to have 'byom' BBQs in the 'lean times' where friends would bring their own meat to grill on our BBQ and we'd do sides and dessert (+ our own meat). I'd never expect them to furnish the meat for all.

In your situation I expect I'd stump up for some sausages at this point. But if your budget is soooo tight that you absolutely can't do that, then call your mum and explain it to her, and have her relay to Aunt Barbara that it'll be drinks & snacks after all, no dinner.

perfectly1mperfect · 17/12/2018 16:00

Having read your last post about your current circumstances, if I was invited,in a better financial situation that you and the generation up from you (mum and aunt) I would have offered cash/food when I was invited. I'm just thinking if this was us, and one of our kids hosting in a few years time and I knew things were tight for them, I couldn't imagine not offering to help financially.

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 17/12/2018 16:03

Thinking of slyly saying there's been a misunderstanding and the request was to pick up whatever meat they wanted and we'll give them the money for it? Oh god..

OP posts:
Rudgie47 · 17/12/2018 16:05

I think YABU and very, very tight unless you are on the absolute bones of your arse. A chicken is £4.00, can you not afford that?

Trinity66 · 17/12/2018 16:06

YABU, don't invite people for dinner and then tell them they have to buy it themselves

VanGoghsDog · 17/12/2018 16:07

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. Not to ask them to bring something, but to ask them to bring the meat.

You say it's not very expensive (so you could buy it?) and the drink/dessert would be more (so better for your budget if they got that?) but apart from that it's just not in the Christmas spirit. Either say you're away and can't host, or host. People always ask what they can bring and to say 'ooh, a bottle of wine would be nice' is fine, or 'how about you bring the pudding' is also socially acceptable.

If they bring the meat are they going to sit around for two hours while it cooks?

The argument that they could even just bring sausages applies to you too, just do sausages! I think you need to take a bit more control of who you invite, to what and how, really.

Trinity66 · 17/12/2018 16:07

Sorry just read your update, fair dues

Inertia · 17/12/2018 16:08

Well if you do that then you run the risk of them turning up with steaks and expecting 20 quid from you.

Just say there was a miscommunication as you were trying to have a 3-way conversation, apologise and tell them not to worry about bringing meat, and either buy a cheaper meat yourself to make a meal that can be bulked out with potatoes/ veg, or go veggie.

perfectly1mperfect · 17/12/2018 16:08

Whyohwhyo

No, don't go back on it now. Your mum has no problem with it just your aunt. You've been kind enough to invite them. They will get to sit there all day whilst you run around after them with all other food and drink provided. Don't feel bad. Also, like you say, they visit others and don't complain about train fares etc so to moan about a fiver on meat is ridiculous.

VanGoghsDog · 17/12/2018 16:10

As a well-off aunt with no offspring of my own, if I was going to my nephew's and knew he was saving sensibly, I'd just offer him some money towards the food, and bring a bottle. I'd be happy to bring whatever but he's a better cook than me so it's better if I just give him the cash - I give my sister £50 for the Christmas dinner (nephew cooks it).

Jaxhog · 17/12/2018 16:11

It would have been better to suggest a 'bring and share' at the time you invited them. i'd still do that.