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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked relatives to contribute to food

202 replies

Whyohwhyo · 17/12/2018 14:45

This year for Christmas day it'll just be me, dp and ds. We wanted a low key day just the three of us as its DS first Christmas.

Neither of us have a tremendous amount of contact with our respective families but two of my relatives live fairly close by.

DP said if they wanted to then they're welcome to come round on Christmas eve if they were going to be alone and can have a pre Christmas meal with us if they like, spend a bit of time with DS and have a catch up.

We're on a tight budget at the moment as saving and preparing for DD1s arrival early next year and also a deposit. We budgeted for Christmas down to a tee. DP didn't fancy paying for two loads of meats (theirs on Christmas eve as well as ours on Christmas day) plus drinks and everything else twice all on him - so he asked whether they'd mind picking up a small joint of whatever they wanted and bringing it with them. For reference aldi/lidl do meats plenty big enough for 4 for under a tenner, so they're looking at £5 each maximum. A chicken from there is a few quid. They could have bought bloody sausages if they wanted to.

We'd be providing everything else, trimmings, alcohol, nibbles etc.

Relative 1 (my DM) said absolutely fine no problem she's looking forward to coming and that she'll relay that to relative 2 who's my aunt.

My DM calls me back a while later and says she spoke to my aunt (who was previously looking forward to coming) and said she got huffy and said "well that's a bit much to ask isn't it?"

Is it? Were we being unreasonable? Her response has got my back up a bit and I'm not sure whether I have the right to be annoyed.

Aunt is much better off than we are, a lot more disposable money and no children or high outgoings, so I don't think chipping in a fiver maximum would have hurt? The dinner was optional by the way, they'd have been welcome to come for drinks and snacks regardless.

OP posts:
Christmasgone2018 · 17/12/2018 15:31

There's a huge difference between asking guests to bring a joint of meat and gratefully receiving a bottle of wine or a pudding. Probably not much in the price either.
Amy decent people would offer to contribute to a young couple hosting. However asking is tacky.
My friends / family will say 'obviously we'll bring booze but what are you cooking' if I respond I'm doing a roast they'll say 'right we'll bring pudding' if I say I'm making a curry they'll bring bits to go with it.

TheTroublesomestTribble · 17/12/2018 15:31

I can see your point re relative cost of the joint vs a bottle of Gin, but we're talking about social customs here.

It is fine to ask for a contribution, but it needs to be an add-on to the main meal, not the main meal itself, irrespective of cost.

Also, how would you have time to roast/rest the meat before serving??

I have to agree with pp though, if you cannot afford to comfortably host your guests, don't invite them.

VeganCow · 17/12/2018 15:32

Why does the focus (and cost) of the meal HAVE to be meat?

user1493413286 · 17/12/2018 15:32

I actually think what you did was fair enough; on mumsnet there seems to be the approach that you don’t host if you don’t have the money to pay for it all but what then happens if all your friends are in that situation or your friend with the money to do it doesn’t have the space or people invite you to theirs and can never have them back to yours so they think you’re rude and the friendship falls apart. I think we have to start recognising that money is tight for a lot of people and that doesn't mean you don’t get to socialise

SilverLining10 · 17/12/2018 15:33

But would 2 extra people have eaten that much? One being your own mother. Sorry but you have been very rude here. And asking them to come at Christmas eve and just have 'nibbles' and then watch /leave when you have your own dinner is even more rude.

TheTroublesomestTribble · 17/12/2018 15:33

x post

they could eat here if they wanted to and if they did then could they grab whatever it was they wanted to eat

Can you not see what a miserable invitation that is? Its really inhospitable and actually quite rude.

I'm not surprised at your Aunt's reaction tbh - polite to your face, but secretly offended and telling other people about it. I would prob do the same...

BlingLoving · 17/12/2018 15:33

YABU. If the invite was for drinks and nibbles, it should have been left at that. if you then suggest dinner, you provide the main thing. it's not about the cost - as you rightly point out, alcohol or nibbles can be more expensive - it's about hospitality. If people come to yours for a meal, it is your responsibility to provide the main part of the meal. it is entirely reasonable to ask people to contribute, usually when they ask, "can I bring anything" but not the main course.

HTKS · 17/12/2018 15:34

So if they turned up with lamb or sausages or chicken or burgers or whatever, what else are you going to make? Don't you need to know so you can get the appropriate sides and veg?

It feels like you've asked them to bring meat on principle (especially as you've costed it up and told them to divert to Aldi to get it) so they can prove to your they are contributing. It has a weird dynamic and it's not how most people meal plan for their own families, let alone entertain. I would have done jacket spuds or something rather than get people to bring meat.

mrsm43s · 17/12/2018 15:34

YABU and tight. You can afford the joint, but would just rather save the money for your deposit, and so are asking other people to subsidise your savings.

The meat is generally the most expensive part of the meal, and you are asking for them to pay for the meat for ALL of you.

You, DH and DS need to eat on Xmas eve anyway - for the sake of 2 extra people, you could just chuck in a few extra spuds and yorkshires which would cost pennies, and stretch the joint you were going to have out a bit. But instead, you saw the opportunity to save yourselves the cost of the joint...

BlingLoving · 17/12/2018 15:34

Also, it's about preparation and effort. Part of hosting a meal is the PREPARATION of the food. The underlying suggestion when you tell them to bring a joint is that they'll also be cooking it...

perfectly1mperfect · 17/12/2018 15:34

I can see both sides. On the one hand, it's only 2 extra people, £5 each you say so part of me thinks why bother asking. But if money is that tight I can understand. If this was asked of me, for the sake of £5/£10, I'd just pay it as I'd be grateful for the invite and appreciate you providing everything else. I certainly wouldn't complain about it.

explodingkitten · 17/12/2018 15:35

I can see both sides. Tbh wat baffles me is that your mother didn't just say: Oh honey, don't worry, I'll give you some money for the costs of Aunty and me.

TheTroublesomestTribble · 17/12/2018 15:35

Although, when reading the 'tell us your stingiest stories' thread, I do wonder what goes on in the mood of the misers involved.

Looks like I have my answer right here...

TwitterQueen1 · 17/12/2018 15:36

You asked your own mother to buy her own food to bring to yours if she wanted to have a meal. Your own mother. wow. Xmas Sad Xmas Sad

Your DP sounds very controlling - you keep saying that it's what DP suggested. What do YOU think about this?

TheTroublesomestTribble · 17/12/2018 15:36

*Mind

Usernumbers1234 · 17/12/2018 15:36

OP you are doing this all wrong, stop reading and listening to replies and responding sensibly.

You should be fighting to the death to prove you are reasonable, that’s how it works here!!

@oopsinamechangedagain there’s always one who takes a trivial matter and starts making it about how evil and controlling Dh must be isn’t there.......

starkid · 17/12/2018 15:37

Your DP shouldn't have invited them and it could be seen as a bit of a weird request by some.

But then I'd always be happy to pay towards food round someones as long as I wasn't cooking it! And I think it's polite to bring something to someones house if they are hosting e.g. wine, dessert, nibbles. So can see it both ways really. Unfortunately everyone is different with their expectations.

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 17/12/2018 15:40

They were asked to pop it round the night before (if indeed they wanted a meal) so we could make sure it's cooked and ready for when they got here on xmas eve in the evening. I suppose that makes us even worse now Grin one lives two streets away, couple of mins walk.

In hindsight I could've put it across differently, such as "could you bring a bottle?" but it was a quick interjection during a phone call so I automatically relayed what DP had just said.

Fwiw they wouldn't have turned up with anything at all without being prompted. Never have. We're a one income young household with a toddler DS, number two on the way and desperately saving for a deposit so we can move into a two bed before DD arrives next year. Three of us crammed into a one bed flat.

I know people say financial situations are irrelevant but they're considerably better off than we are at the moment. Despite the restraints we still bought presents for them, which is probably irresponsible given the financial situation, and we didn't plan on hosting but felt guilt tripped because of the reaction we got when we said we wanted to spend Christmas day just the three of us.

OP posts:
starkid · 17/12/2018 15:44

Sorry OP if you did say invite was just to come visit and didn't mention food, then should have left it at that and not mentioned food at all optional or not, rather than say then can come for food too but only if you bring something. As I said, people usually bring a little something with them but if you're really tight this year would have just made it clear was a regular visit and no food involved at all.

Tumtimes1 · 17/12/2018 15:45

I think YABU - and actually I think the whole scenario was really rather unnecessary. You either host for dinner or you don’t. To ask someone to bring a cheap joint for you cool is so impolite. You should never have said they could come for dinner if you didn’t have the means to cater. But I think you do have the means of it’s just a chicken or whatever and to ask someone to bring a joint (the symbol of the whole meal whatever the cost) for you to cook sounds almost antagonistic. Sorry but it does.

starkid · 17/12/2018 15:45

Sorry OP if you did say invite was just to come visit and didn't mention food, then should have left it at that and not mentioned food at all optional or not, rather than say then can come for food too but only if you bring something. As I said, people usually bring a little something with them but if you're really tight this year would have just made it clear was a regular visit and no food involved at all.

OopsInamechangedagain · 17/12/2018 15:45

Usernumbers1234 my exH's emotional and financial abuse of me was made up of dozens of trivial matters which in themselves were no big deal. It meant I never saw the bigger picture until I'd suffered for years. If the DP's behaviour in this case is an isolated incident then fine, OP can ignore my comment. If however she subsequently realises that this is part of a wider pattern then how is flagging that up a bad thing?

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 17/12/2018 15:45

They were asked to pop it round the night before (if indeed they wanted a meal) so we could make sure it's cooked and ready for when they got here on xmas eve in the evening. I suppose that makes us even worse now Grin one lives two streets away, couple of mins walk.

In hindsight I could've put it across differently, such as "could you bring a bottle?" but it was a quick interjection during a phone call so I automatically relayed what DP had just said. Personally I'd rather not host at all.

Fwiw they wouldn't have turned up with anything at all without being prompted. Never have. We're a one income young household with a toddler DS, number two on the way and desperately saving for a deposit so we can move into a two bed before DD arrives next year. Three of us crammed into a one bed flat so unless we want to be stuck here when DD arrives then we do have to live as though we're skint.

(cue the responses telling me we're irresponsible conceiving when our living conditions aren't ideal - she's a coil baby and one I bonded with after contemplating a termination)

I know people say financial situations are irrelevant but they're considerably better off than we are at the moment. Despite the restraints we still bought presents for them, which is probably irresponsible given the financial situation, and we didn't plan on hosting but felt guilt tripped because of the reaction we got when we said we wanted to spend Christmas day just the three of us.

Like I say the dinner was optional and left for them to decide if they wanted to eat.

Discussions could have been had if they didn't want to bring the meat I certainly wouldn't make a big deal of it and I'd go and get the damn thing myself if it was that big a problem.. I just really didn't think it would be given we'd be shouldering the bulk of the cost to begin with.

OP posts:
Tumtimes1 · 17/12/2018 15:45

I think YABU - and actually I think the whole scenario was really rather unnecessary. You either host for dinner or you don’t. To ask someone to bring a cheap joint for you cool is so impolite. You should never have said they could come for dinner if you didn’t have the means to cater. But I think you do have the means of it’s just a chicken or whatever and to ask someone to bring a joint (the symbol of the whole meal whatever the cost) for you to cook sounds almost antagonistic. Sorry but it does.

OopsInamechangedagain · 17/12/2018 15:45

Usernumbers1234 my exH's emotional and financial abuse of me was made up of dozens of trivial matters which in themselves were no big deal. It meant I never saw the bigger picture until I'd suffered for years. If the DP's behaviour in this case is an isolated incident then fine, OP can ignore my comment. If however she subsequently realises that this is part of a wider pattern then how is flagging that up a bad thing?