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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked relatives to contribute to food

202 replies

Whyohwhyo · 17/12/2018 14:45

This year for Christmas day it'll just be me, dp and ds. We wanted a low key day just the three of us as its DS first Christmas.

Neither of us have a tremendous amount of contact with our respective families but two of my relatives live fairly close by.

DP said if they wanted to then they're welcome to come round on Christmas eve if they were going to be alone and can have a pre Christmas meal with us if they like, spend a bit of time with DS and have a catch up.

We're on a tight budget at the moment as saving and preparing for DD1s arrival early next year and also a deposit. We budgeted for Christmas down to a tee. DP didn't fancy paying for two loads of meats (theirs on Christmas eve as well as ours on Christmas day) plus drinks and everything else twice all on him - so he asked whether they'd mind picking up a small joint of whatever they wanted and bringing it with them. For reference aldi/lidl do meats plenty big enough for 4 for under a tenner, so they're looking at £5 each maximum. A chicken from there is a few quid. They could have bought bloody sausages if they wanted to.

We'd be providing everything else, trimmings, alcohol, nibbles etc.

Relative 1 (my DM) said absolutely fine no problem she's looking forward to coming and that she'll relay that to relative 2 who's my aunt.

My DM calls me back a while later and says she spoke to my aunt (who was previously looking forward to coming) and said she got huffy and said "well that's a bit much to ask isn't it?"

Is it? Were we being unreasonable? Her response has got my back up a bit and I'm not sure whether I have the right to be annoyed.

Aunt is much better off than we are, a lot more disposable money and no children or high outgoings, so I don't think chipping in a fiver maximum would have hurt? The dinner was optional by the way, they'd have been welcome to come for drinks and snacks regardless.

OP posts:
woodhill · 17/12/2018 18:28

Perhaps as it is Christmas you could be brave and have the aunt over. Talk to your mum about it and say how hurt you are at your aunt's behaviour.

Peace and goodwill and all that. I'm not saying it's easy but you might feel better about the situation.

saoirse31 · 17/12/2018 18:30

Tbh I think the worst thing is expecting them to drop it around the night beforeGrin

itscalledwineflu · 17/12/2018 18:34

It is very very stingy to ask someone to bring a joint of meat . I get that you are on a budget but a chicken cost £2-3 at Aldi . I'd be too embarrassed to tell someone I invited to bring the food . It's nice if people invited say can I bring say dessert but to tell someone to bring food yes Yabu , like someone said if you can only afford nibbles and drinks invite for nibbles and drinks . You can't say come round for drinks but if you want to be fed bring your own food .

Tumtimes1 · 17/12/2018 18:36

Anyway OP did you manage to retract? You said you were going to txt.

AllTheUserNamesAreTaken · 17/12/2018 18:38

YA definitely BU. You can’t invite people for dinner and then ask them to bring the main part of it!! Shock

Of course you could ask if one of them could bring dessert or wine but not the main bloody component of dinner Confused

I’m not surprised the Aunt thought that was a bit much

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 17/12/2018 18:42

I have. I've text my aunt and said mum had relayed what she said but there had been a misunderstanding because I wasn't asking her to buy the meat, only for them to collect it from the butchers near her if she had time and we'd had given the money for it Blush

Cowards way out yeah Grin

To be completely honest I don't want to see her over Christmas, it was to make life easier for my DM so she didn't have to choose where to go and upset anybody.

OP posts:
Amaried · 17/12/2018 18:45

Honestly if a host suggested I bring the meat I would assume that they were desperately poor and immediately cancel so as not to put pressure on them supplying the rest. I suppose because you can get a roast chicken for £3. Think you don't really want them to visit and are passively aggressively letting them know

perfectly1mperfect · 17/12/2018 18:46

Whyohwhyo

I wouldn't have said it was a misunderstanding but totally understand why you have done it. I think you just want a peaceful Xmas. Smile

I would be making plans for next Xmas to avoid all it all...Xmas Wink

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 17/12/2018 18:47

I think I'm going to accept I was BU, apologise to her for the confusion but then cancel with a white lie.

I wanted a quiet happy Christmas and I'm going to be tense if I have to host them both together, I'd really rather not have to. I'm not here to bad mouth her but she's caused a lot of trouble, made up blatant lies and broadcasted my business to extended family so I don't want to play happy families with her this year.

I've got her a present and Christmas card that'll do. DM will have to understand.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 17/12/2018 18:48

@Amaried you are right, I sort of am Sad

I'm ashamed to admit this but after all of the crap my aunt has caused, I see it as a chore having her round and begrudge the fact.

@perfectly1mperfect absolutely I do

OP posts:
Mbhatescf123 · 17/12/2018 18:53

I think it is crazy people calling op greedy when the aunt could at invite have offered to contribute and obviously knows the op situation and the fact that they are on a budget and instead happily accepting an invite with no intention of helping (moaning at going half on a joint of meat for 4 proves that) and then moaning to op mother when op is not wanting to blow her tight budget as has a new baby coming. The op wanted a quiet xmas, but was still willing to let them come and it reads as though the aunt was expecting to have xmas day at op and the op felt pressured to still do something.

Amaried · 17/12/2018 18:58

I think there is nothing wrong with canceling and not hosting especially if you dislike her so much, what wouldn't be ok is to begrudgingly invite her and treat her rudely so think you are making the right call.

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 17/12/2018 19:03

They did want to come on Christmas day yes, I didn't want them to and just wanted a low key day with me, dp and ds.

The relationship is strained as it is but I was made to feel guilty for not being accommodating about Christmas day and wanting the day to ourselves. DP who stayed out of the recent arguments suggested perhaps they come on Christmas eve for a few hours to have some drinks and snacks, so DM can spend time with DS and watch him open a few presents.

We were never going to do a meal Xmas eve in the first place but it's come to be expected that when we host them we cook for them. I was going to do a little buffet type thing with nibbles.

In hindsight the optional meal should have never been mentioned and should've left it at drinks and snacks.

I'd rather they didn't come at all but then I have a degree of guilt about that because the friction is with my aunt and not my DM.

Had my aunt not been causing bother not so long ago I don't think I'd have dreamed of asking her to bring anything, I never have in the past.

OP posts:
Aaaahfuck · 17/12/2018 19:05

If you were unemployed or literally skint this would be ok. But tbh a fiver or so is not going to make a difference to your budget and savings.

Tumtimes1 · 17/12/2018 19:10

Yup the whole request smacked of passive aggression and was actually quite provocative. No wonder your aunt responded as she did.
It’s good you know you were unreasonable - fair dos.
I think your comment to her was the right thing to say (ie you meant can you pick it up) and was a good retraction.

Hopefully a lesson learnt? Ie: don’t invite people you don’t want round your house (blatantly) again. Oh and don’t ask them to buy the focus point of the meal.

Shame that your aunt/mum ends up on their own (re white lie to pull the whole thing) but that’s your look out and personal decision. Not gonna judge as don’t know back story.

Lettermethis · 17/12/2018 19:18

Aw I feel for you OP!

I think others have been spot on, usually if you're looking forward to the company then nothing is a bother, but when you're not ...everything takes a different note.

I don't think it's entirely distasteful to ask guests to bring food/drink, depends on context, but a joint of meat had me laughing! Once Christmas is over and it's all settled down, it'll just be a funny story you can say 'remember when....' with your DH.

Xmas Grin
Dollymixture22 · 17/12/2018 19:29

If you wanted to invite them round you should only offered what you can afford - mulled wine and some mince pies for example. It is a little odd to say of you want a meal please bring a joint of meat, particularly as you aren’t close.

In my family we each do a course of Christmas dinner, but those who bring food offer, they aren’t asked. We aren’t very close and it’s an arrange,ent which has evolved over they years.

Pippa12 · 17/12/2018 19:31

I like your honesty OP, good on you!

I was wondering how you were going to have the time to roast chosen joint once they'd arrived Grin

I'd cancel, It sounds like the atmosphere would be hellish.

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 17/12/2018 19:32

@Lettermethis I actually did have a laugh about it myself as I read back over the thread and switched roles.. BlushGrin

It is very cringe to specify to bring a joint of meat I totally get that now.

OP posts:
Aaaahfuck · 17/12/2018 19:34

OP but you've spent 7 pages defending your actions so you obviously both think this is OK.

LadyRenoir · 17/12/2018 19:37

I always bring something for Christmas meals with family, and when I am visiting and would never think if coming empty handed. It's a big expense to organise a thing like this.
But my DPs family are all sacred cows, my MIL would flip if we asked them to bring something of their own to a meal.

Lettermethis · 17/12/2018 19:39

@Whyohwhyo I actually admire you for asking!!

Hehe, imagine adding to it -

Dear X,
Please bring 1x joint meat, 2x sides, alcohol, 4x plates & cutlery (I'm not washing up after you).
Looking forward to it and Merry Xmas! Love Whyohwhyo.

PickAChew · 17/12/2018 19:39

I totally get asking people to chip in for a big feast. Begrudging a tenner's worth of meat when money is tight because you're saving, rather than because you actually are flat broke, is a bit off, though.

Bluntness100 · 17/12/2018 19:42

Yeah, it's one thing to host a big dinner for many and ask people to contribute but it's a whole other ball game to ask two people and ask them to bring the meat or not have dinner.

I'm bemused you don't know that, and as you yourself said, you could have provided sausages if you were that skint.

greendale17 · 17/12/2018 19:43

YABU

Yup the whole request smacked of passive aggression and was actually quite provocative. No wonder your aunt responded as she did.

^I agree

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