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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked relatives to contribute to food

202 replies

Whyohwhyo · 17/12/2018 14:45

This year for Christmas day it'll just be me, dp and ds. We wanted a low key day just the three of us as its DS first Christmas.

Neither of us have a tremendous amount of contact with our respective families but two of my relatives live fairly close by.

DP said if they wanted to then they're welcome to come round on Christmas eve if they were going to be alone and can have a pre Christmas meal with us if they like, spend a bit of time with DS and have a catch up.

We're on a tight budget at the moment as saving and preparing for DD1s arrival early next year and also a deposit. We budgeted for Christmas down to a tee. DP didn't fancy paying for two loads of meats (theirs on Christmas eve as well as ours on Christmas day) plus drinks and everything else twice all on him - so he asked whether they'd mind picking up a small joint of whatever they wanted and bringing it with them. For reference aldi/lidl do meats plenty big enough for 4 for under a tenner, so they're looking at £5 each maximum. A chicken from there is a few quid. They could have bought bloody sausages if they wanted to.

We'd be providing everything else, trimmings, alcohol, nibbles etc.

Relative 1 (my DM) said absolutely fine no problem she's looking forward to coming and that she'll relay that to relative 2 who's my aunt.

My DM calls me back a while later and says she spoke to my aunt (who was previously looking forward to coming) and said she got huffy and said "well that's a bit much to ask isn't it?"

Is it? Were we being unreasonable? Her response has got my back up a bit and I'm not sure whether I have the right to be annoyed.

Aunt is much better off than we are, a lot more disposable money and no children or high outgoings, so I don't think chipping in a fiver maximum would have hurt? The dinner was optional by the way, they'd have been welcome to come for drinks and snacks regardless.

OP posts:
Fresta · 17/12/2018 16:12

No matter how desperately I was trying to save, I wouldn't say to someone 'you can come round for a meal if you like, but only if you drop us the meat round the day before.' How rude! And if your family turn up without a drink or other offering regularly, then it's clear that this lack of common courtesy and manners runs in your family.

If I invite my parents round they never turn up empty handed, and my mum often offers to make something to bring. Likewise, I would never go to someones house without a bottle of wine, some chocolates, or a dessert. Be a bit more generous yourselves and set a good example to family, it might just pay off and they may follow your lead.

DarlingNikita · 17/12/2018 16:13

Fwiw they wouldn't have turned up with anything at all without being prompted

That's very very rude. I wouldn't dream of turning up at someone's house empty-handed.

Jaxhog · 17/12/2018 16:13

I should also add that while it wasn't really the thing to ask for the meat, it was equally impolite of your Aunt to comment as she did. Suggest she brings a suitable dessert instead.

abacucat · 17/12/2018 16:16

When we have been really skint (often), I have made cheap vegetarian food when we have had people round. I can make a nice meal for 4 people for £2 including a dessert. And if they ask, I just say bring a bottle of whatever you want to drink.

AyUpMiDuck · 17/12/2018 16:25

Don't buy them presents but do give them a mid-priced meal on Christmas Eve.

Birdyfrom · 17/12/2018 16:32

I think you have been backed into a corner here because you spoke before thinking, ( we have all done that). However it is rude to ask people to bring the main part of the main course and then tell them where to get it. There are so many meals you can cook economically, pasta, chilli, baked pots and quiche etc. You then could have said to bring a drink or a nice pudding. Really if you are that hard up you could have invited them for a cup of tea and a mince pie and to see the baby. So much for peace and goodwill to all.

Eliza9917 · 17/12/2018 16:33

Aunt is much better off than we are, a lot more disposable money and no children or high outgoings, so I don't think chipping in a fiver maximum would have hurt? The dinner was optional by the way, they'd have been welcome to come for drinks and snacks regardless.

You can get chickens in Lidl for less than £3. I'd have spent the couple of quid to feed my mother but told the aunt to piss off.

SilverySurfer · 17/12/2018 16:34

formerbabe
It's really expensive to host...yanbu.

Then don't fucking host! Hmm

Honestly OP this is toe curlingly embarrassing and I can't believe you couldn't afford a couple of slices of meat each for DM and aunt. Your DH sounds horribly mean - ugh. It's fine to suggest they bring a starter or pudding or bottle but a complete no-no asking them to bring slabs of meat.

MumInTheCity · 17/12/2018 16:37

This is really cringy, I’m so glad you’ve realised YABU OP! What would you and DP have had for dinner Christmas Eve if you weren’t having guests? Couldn’t you just make a bit extra of whatever you’re having?

woodhill · 17/12/2018 16:46

I think it would have been better if you had asked for drinks or even a desert but meat is a bit much. Don't you need time to prepare it?

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 17/12/2018 16:56

But just to be pedantic..

In aldi where I suggested they go for the meat, all of these cost a fraction of the price of the tipples they like that we would have been providing.

Sorry couldn't help myself Grin

To have asked relatives to contribute to food
To have asked relatives to contribute to food
To have asked relatives to contribute to food
OP posts:
Pachyderm1 · 17/12/2018 16:59

I think it’s a bit cheeky - if you can’t afford to feed them, have them for coffee instead. But not everyone does things the same way.

TheBigBangRocks · 17/12/2018 17:00

Very rude to issue an invite and then charge people to attend. I never understand this, don't offer to host if you begrudge feeding people, it's really very simple.

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 17/12/2018 17:04

For people who haven't read the full thread.

They were invited for nibbles and drinks regardless, dinner was optional and if they wanted it we asked them to grab whatever meat they wanted and we'd sort the rest.

Reccomended aldi where meat is absolutely cheap, see attached photos.

The drinks they like that we'd be buying cost three times as much as the meat. Drinks were bought as they confirmed they were coming, the suggestion of dinner was then added on as an optional addition.

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 17/12/2018 17:05

In aldi where I suggested they go for the meat, all of these cost a fraction of the price of the tipples they like that we would have been providing.

So what? That's completely irrelevant. Even if the meat was free, it's still cringemaking. If you can't afford a couple of slices of meat for your own mother and aunt, don't invite them.

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 17/12/2018 17:13

I think it's subjective depending on individual circumstances.

We've hosted and cooked for them plenty of times in the past and never dreamt of asking for contributions, each time they've come they haven't brought a bottle or pudding or nibbles.

Now money is particularly tight they still get invited for drinks and nibbles which we paid for, but told them if they'd like a meal that's fine but please do pick up whatever meat it is you want on the night. If they got chicken for example they'd be spending less than £2 each if they went where we suggested.

I've looked at it from both sides and can see the arguments for and against.

If we were financially comfortable I wouldn't dream of asking. We're not.

OP posts:
Vivaldi1678 · 17/12/2018 17:18

'Bah, humbug'! Grin

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 17/12/2018 17:19

I do agree it sounds extremely unreasonable to people who can't relate.

In hindsight we shouldn't have offered the option to have a meal if they wanted one. The reason the meal was offered was because usually when they come they have one, but we hadn't planned for that to happen only drinks and nibbles - it was a spur of the moment suggestion made by DP.

Like I say we've bought them drinks and nibbles that cost a lot more than a £3 chicken or a £4 gammon joint. They also have gifts we couldn't really afford to buy, but to not buy would've looked rude.

They wouldn't have brought anything themselves and knowing my aunt she'd have said the same "that's a bit much to ask isn't it" even if it were a desert or bottle we'd ask to bring.

OP posts:
grumiosmum · 17/12/2018 17:20

OP, you are missing the point.

Hosting also involves planning and cooking the meal. It's not just about the money.

But if I'm feeling skint I make spag bol or lasagne which are cheap ways to feed a crowd. Dead rude to ask someone to bring their own dinner. Fine to politely ask for a dish or wine.

Birdyfrom · 17/12/2018 17:21

I think the whole invitation you issued was not in the right spirit of kindness and generosity. You know, because everyone has told you, that you and your husband are being rather ungracious and somewhat rude. That's okay though because what goes around comes around......I wonder if you will ever find yourself alone on Christmas Eve?

schopenhauer · 17/12/2018 17:21

How much meat do two adults and an under one eat? Surely not a huge amount so if you bought a joint of something you could have easily fed the two extras. I would never do this.

It is weird you keep pointing out how cheap the meat is xos why not just save yourselves the embarrassment and hassle and buy something and bit bigger?! What were you planning to have? Two chicken Kiev’s?

schopenhauer · 17/12/2018 17:21

Kievs

Haffiana · 17/12/2018 17:23

I was brought up with the understanding that hospitality is absolute and a guest is always looked after and made to feel welcome Even if it meant giving them our food for the next day and our last glass of Scotch. I would also never turn up as a guest without some sort of gift or contribution and I enjoy choosing something appropriate.

I can understand that others feel differently about this, fair enough.

However what really makes me cringe about your posts, OP, is that you have a spreadsheet mentality about it all:

Credit side - we have even bought them presents.

Credit side, we are saving our money for Good Reasons.

Credit side, we would give them an expensive drink
Debit side, they are richer than us.

Debit side, a cheap piece of meat would only cost them £3 or whatever.

No no no. Either you invite people into your home and make them feel welcome, (and give them a present because you wish for them to receive a gift), or you don't. It is the begrudging meanness of what you have posted that would make me really, really uncomfortable and upset if I were your 'guest'.

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 17/12/2018 17:24

I have done many times.

They weren't going to be alone they would have been together, but not with me dp and ds. We wanted a quiet Christmas and were guilt tripped about not having them round on the day as they wanted to see DS so we compromised and said come Xmas eve. The relationship is tense at the moment after a falling out a few months previous. They still got gifts and an invite regardless.

Drinks and nibbles were provided and dinner was optional.

OP posts:
stayorgonow · 17/12/2018 17:27

I'm in the position of your guests.

My dad is recovering after cancer (and now has kidney failure and uncontrollable diabetes), and wants us all together (I hosted him and mum, my adult son, DD and DH last year).

'Us' is me, DH, DD, DS, Dsis, adult DN, Dbro and my parents.

He wants us (me and my sister - my brother (42) lives rent free in mum and dad's 3 bed house (they live in the annexe), and DM cooks and pays for his food) to bring a dish each... sounds acceptable, but I'm dreading it. I don't eat much, hate the food they'll have, would much rather stay at home and cook myself (plus the house is filthy - I mean dog wee on the floor etc).