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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This dad at softplay

219 replies

Trapseverywhere · 07/12/2018 18:08

Once a week I take my 2 year old DD1 to a toddler morning at a soft-play place. The children there are usually only age 1 and 2 and it is not busy. The play structure is not very big so I can see DD most of the time except when she walks through some tunnels or goes behind a wall. There is also some little rooms to the side with a pretend shop and a pretend garage etc. I sit nearby and look at my phone or read a paper while minding dd2 (baby). I glance over a lot so i know that DD1 is happy and if she is out of sight for too long I go over to check she is ok. Its nice to have some time to read or just drink coffee while DD1 is happy playing with other children. Most of the other parents sit at the tables too as the place is very quiet at that time of day.

There is this dad I often see there with his 2 year old DD. I chatted to him one day and he seemed nice enough but ever since is a little bit over friendly when I meet him, as if we have known each other for years. Like he comes right up to my DD2’s pram and lifts the blaket off when she is sleeping and smiles at her - which I guess is friendly but I wish he’d just stay away. I know some people have issues socially as my own DS has autism so i try to be a bit understanding of people who lack boundaries.

He follows his daughter onto the play structure - which is totally fine as a few of the parents do. His daughter seems well able to go by herself but I presume he just enjoys playing with her.

The thing I don’t like is that he encourages my DD to go with him and his DD. I don’t like when he disappears behind walls, into tunnels or into the little rooms alone with them. I know the chances of him being an abuser are very low but that is what is at the back of my mind. Of course my DD comes across other parents on the play structure but they seem to give her space and respect boundaries. When they disappear i walk over and find them and keep an eye.

Today I noticed my DD was with him and his DD and the three of them went to the slide. His DD went down first and ran off and the man waitied to go down with my DD. When they got to the bottom of the slide I went over and called my DD. The man smiled and said he was looking after her. I said, without a smile, my DD is fine and can manage by herself. I felt like I was being a bitch to someone who more likely than not is a nice man. My DD doesn’t need to be minded by him - she is always happy playing with other toddlers, waving over to me or popping back to me for a rest or to drink some water.

So AIBU to not like this and to be a bit cold to this man to give him the hint that I don’t want him hanging around with my DD - or should I accept that the chances of him being an abuser are very low and get over it. I know I could follow my DD around on the structure but it is not easy with DD2 to carry too and annoying when DD1 doesn’t need me to follow her or want me too.

OP posts:
Positi · 07/12/2018 18:11

I think what you've said to him today should be sufficient to get him to back off in future.

Avrannakern · 07/12/2018 18:18

If he calls her over with his daughter then just tell him "stop calling her over; I'm teaching her not to go off with strangers and you're teaching her the opposite. She's happy playing with the children; she doesn't need an adult pulling her away"

pombal · 07/12/2018 18:21

You did the right thing.
My DH would never invite a strangers toddler to tag along. There are rules, men know them.
It’s because NAMALT, but c’est la vie :(

pombal · 07/12/2018 18:22

It’s sad because NAMALT

Harebellmeadow · 07/12/2018 18:26

Weird guy according to my instincts.
Stop chatting to him.
Stop going to that soft play center for a while if you can.
Fathers are aware that they have a slightly higher boundary than mothers and such enforced friendliness is just weird
(Is he fresh from another culture, a child centric one? That doesnt change the weirdness but may help explain it.)

ExcitedForChristmas18 · 07/12/2018 18:32

At soft play my DH always goes around with DS1 as he is extremely shy, and other kids barge past him etc..My DH hates this, because all others parents sit on their phones, drinking coffee..he is the fun one to all the other children! They all follow him around etc, wanting to play..or get chased, when he is chasing our son..asking if they can join in etc..he always feels extremely uncomfortable!! When I go around, I don't feel uncomfortable at all with other children joining in playing with me and my son.

It shocks me how many parents just aren't bothered at all and let their tiny chidlren just go off!

This stereotype that is held against a man, is awful though.

But I would be the same I would not let my son play with a stranger whether they are female or male!

keepingbees · 07/12/2018 18:34

I'd trust your instincts. Whether they're right or wrong you owe this man nothing and he is being a bit over familiar.

ExcitedForChristmas18 · 07/12/2018 18:34

My DH would be quite glad of a parent like you that would call your child away, so he and my son can just play!

Your in the minority though! Most parents just see it as a break for them, and don't concentrate on their children at all! It's shocking!

JellyMouldJnr · 07/12/2018 18:40

You mentioned him possibly showing some autistic tendencies. Just be aware that if he is, he probably won't understand your 'hint' that you are unhappy about this situation - better to be clear like @avrannakern suggested.

elftastic · 07/12/2018 18:40

Trust your instincts. Sounds like you dealt with it appropriately but firmly. Tricky situation.

Wearywithteens · 07/12/2018 18:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Quartz2208 · 07/12/2018 18:41

I think you need to separate out the fact that he is unlikely to be an abuser to the fact that he is over friendly and crossing boundaries that you are not happy with

So what is it that bothers you because there seems to be 3 or 4 different things going on

  1. You worry he is an abuser - given how he is doing it highly unlikely
  2. You worry he is autistic and lacks boundaries
  3. You want your daughter to gain independence from you and do this without you
  4. You feel guilty that you cant go in because of your DD2

I suspect it a mixture of 2-4

I would just avoid it for a couple of weeks - with Christmas and New Year I imagine that would be very easy to do

Original poster
Trapseverywhere · 07/12/2018 18:41

What’s so shocking about a parent having a break?

I mind my children, including one who has autism, from the moment i get up to the moment i fall asleep. Going to the softplay is a chance for me to have some time to sit down while DD has fun. She’s not exactly neglected!

OP posts:
Original poster
Trapseverywhere · 07/12/2018 18:45

I would never have let my 5 year old DD out of my sight let alone age 2

This seems a bit OTT. Would you follow your 5 year old around in a softplay place?

OP posts:
Imustbemad00 · 07/12/2018 18:47

@Wearywithteens Would you notntake a 5 year old to soft play then? Or would you follow them round? I can’t even fit through half the things in the large soft play in my local area and it would be a bit ridiculous and probably a H&S hazard if there were loads of adults crawling around after 5 year olds..

Quartz2208 · 07/12/2018 18:48

OP - nothing shocking at all and nothing to feel guilty about but neither is there anything wrong with going on with your child or being polite and trying to get your child to make friends

I have to say though everytime DH took DD into soft play he got a whole lot of children following him (I do to a certain extent)

ExcitedForChristmas18 · 07/12/2018 18:48

I'm not saying that you don't pay attention to your children. But the next time you go to soft play, just look around at all the parents. Their heads are stuck in their phones, they pay absolutely zero attention to their children. It's a parents responsibility to pay full attention to what their child is doing at all times.
It's not people like my DH who then have to get lumbered with children following him around, desperate to play with them because the rest of the parents want a break 🙄

Munchmallow · 07/12/2018 18:48

A mother's instinct is a very powerful thing - trust yours.

ParadiseLaundry · 07/12/2018 18:54

'I would never have let my 5 year old DD out of my sight let alone age 2.....But stay with your DD - soft play isn’t an excuse for you to switch off your parental supervision - she is just a baby.'

The whole point of toddler time sessions at soft play is to allow them independent play and to gain confidence in a safe environment imo. I think the op is perfectly sensible in her approach to the soft play (and in how dealt with the situation with the man). Not letting a 5 year old out of your sight at soft play is excessive imo.

Original poster
Trapseverywhere · 07/12/2018 18:55

It's a parents responsibility to pay full attention to what their child is doing at all times.. So all the parents at softplay shoud be on the play structure shadowing their children or standing at the edge constantly watching for an hour or two?

OP posts:
ExcitedForChristmas18 · 07/12/2018 19:00

I think if you look at the rules of soft play areas the majority quite clearly state that all younger children should be accompandied by a responsible adult at all times. All older children must be supervised by a responsible adult at all times..

ExcitedForChristmas18 · 07/12/2018 19:01

So yes is the answer to that one.

Original poster
Trapseverywhere · 07/12/2018 19:01

Ok then Grin!!

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 07/12/2018 19:02

I do find it quite sad that people are so quick to see men as such a risk to children. And must be quite chilling for fathers who do most of the childcare. But I don't think this is just about that - I hated it when other mothers did this too, not so much because of the risk issue, but because this was a great opportunity for them to start interacting with other DCs without adults directing everything and entertaining them. A skill that's critical to a good childhood and peaceful family life. Adults need to butt out of kid play time sometimes.

Quartz2208 · 07/12/2018 19:02

OP the fact that you are so defensive about this leads me to believe some of this is coming out of your guilt

There is nothing wrong with your approach - there is nothing wrong with his. He isnt an abuser he is likely to be Dad trying to do his best on the day(s) he is a SAHP with his daughter and trying to make friends for himself and his daughter