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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This dad at softplay

219 replies

Trapseverywhere · 07/12/2018 18:08

Once a week I take my 2 year old DD1 to a toddler morning at a soft-play place. The children there are usually only age 1 and 2 and it is not busy. The play structure is not very big so I can see DD most of the time except when she walks through some tunnels or goes behind a wall. There is also some little rooms to the side with a pretend shop and a pretend garage etc. I sit nearby and look at my phone or read a paper while minding dd2 (baby). I glance over a lot so i know that DD1 is happy and if she is out of sight for too long I go over to check she is ok. Its nice to have some time to read or just drink coffee while DD1 is happy playing with other children. Most of the other parents sit at the tables too as the place is very quiet at that time of day.

There is this dad I often see there with his 2 year old DD. I chatted to him one day and he seemed nice enough but ever since is a little bit over friendly when I meet him, as if we have known each other for years. Like he comes right up to my DD2’s pram and lifts the blaket off when she is sleeping and smiles at her - which I guess is friendly but I wish he’d just stay away. I know some people have issues socially as my own DS has autism so i try to be a bit understanding of people who lack boundaries.

He follows his daughter onto the play structure - which is totally fine as a few of the parents do. His daughter seems well able to go by herself but I presume he just enjoys playing with her.

The thing I don’t like is that he encourages my DD to go with him and his DD. I don’t like when he disappears behind walls, into tunnels or into the little rooms alone with them. I know the chances of him being an abuser are very low but that is what is at the back of my mind. Of course my DD comes across other parents on the play structure but they seem to give her space and respect boundaries. When they disappear i walk over and find them and keep an eye.

Today I noticed my DD was with him and his DD and the three of them went to the slide. His DD went down first and ran off and the man waitied to go down with my DD. When they got to the bottom of the slide I went over and called my DD. The man smiled and said he was looking after her. I said, without a smile, my DD is fine and can manage by herself. I felt like I was being a bitch to someone who more likely than not is a nice man. My DD doesn’t need to be minded by him - she is always happy playing with other toddlers, waving over to me or popping back to me for a rest or to drink some water.

So AIBU to not like this and to be a bit cold to this man to give him the hint that I don’t want him hanging around with my DD - or should I accept that the chances of him being an abuser are very low and get over it. I know I could follow my DD around on the structure but it is not easy with DD2 to carry too and annoying when DD1 doesn’t need me to follow her or want me too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trapseverywhere · 08/12/2018 13:56

Yes,it might be unfair to most men but I would not have the same worries about a woman in that situation. There is a small chance the man is an abuser but a way, way, way smaller chance that the woman is. I know there are woman abusers but how often has a woman been caught sexually attacking a random child in a public place?

OP posts:
SlowlyShrinking · 08/12/2018 14:03

It’d be stupid not to take account of the sex of the person you’re talking about, when assessing potential risk. Men are generally more violent than women and men carry out the vast majority of sexual abuse. It doesn’t mean all men are perverts, because they clearly aren’t. But a child is statistically safer with a woman than with a man.

ShalomJackie · 08/12/2018 14:10

I think it is pretty sad. As a dad and possibly a SAHD he probably was grateful of your initial friendliness and possibly encounters unwarranted guardedness from mums at toddler groups, thought he had an ally in you, assumed he was doing you a favour by keeping an eye on your DD and had found a playmate for his child. Such a pity that everything has to have an ulterior motivre or be suspect nowadays.

lottiegarbanzo · 08/12/2018 14:13

Fairness doesn't come into this. You have no duty to be 'fair' to this man. What would that even mean, in this context?

That you have a duty to give way to his wants, put your own wishes second, bolster his misapprehension that he's doing you a favour? That's not 'being fair', that's being a people-pleasing doormat.

lottiegarbanzo · 08/12/2018 14:14

The whole basis of your AIBU seems to be that you're scared of people thinking you're bossy or unfriendly. Just get over it!

BishBoshBashBop · 08/12/2018 14:21

Do you behave the same way to male members of your family or males that your DC know?

Original poster
Trapseverywhere · 08/12/2018 14:35

I know most abuse happens within families or is done by people who are known to the child. I trust some people like my parents and PILs with my children. However, I have heard of other families, on the news, where abuse happened and the family were disbelieving as the abuser always seemed like a good person. So i can’t live my life shielding my children completely from potential abuse by keeping them isolated - but at the same time I can’t say I ever fully know what goes on in the mind of another person.

OP posts:
Tartsamazeballs · 08/12/2018 15:26

*I’ve never known a parent of an under 3/4 year old NOT go around with a child. Do parents of 2 year olds actually just chuck them in and expect them to entertain themselves/not share experiences these days?

SAD.*

Oh piss off with your judgy attitude @Stripes. I'm not dragging my 7 week old through a soft play when my (just turned) 2 year old is perfectly happy running riot by herself. You pick your soft play (a small one) and the time of day (as early as possible, definitely before school kick out) accordingly and let your 2 year old let rip. A soft play is hardly a #makingmemories opportunity anyway if you go once a week. My kid knows where I am, likes to check in regularly, and at the one I go to you can hear them yell if they get stuck and need help. I can also hear her running round squealing with other kids, and fostering relationships/play and learning conflict resolution without me intervening. That's so valuable. Don't think anyone is going to be calling childline for neglect because a parent didn't play with their kid at a bloody soft play now 🙄

And I can normally see her coming and hide the sausage sarnies/cake before she reaches me 😁

Tistheseason17 · 08/12/2018 17:25

I think your past experience may be colouring what you see now, but that is understandable.

However, I would say that if my then 2 yr old was going into "rooms" they could not be seen in I would be by their side - more to ensure they did not hurt themselves. a 2 yr old is very different to a 3yr old.

I suspect this dad is looking for friendship and trying to help you whilst you have your baby with you - but you'll only find out if you get to know him.

Your choice.

Theluckynumberthree · 08/12/2018 18:12

I always go around the soft play with my little ones and had the baby in a sling or just carried. I’ve never left them go off on their own unless with their older sister and then I still watch them ( not on my phone etc- literally sit and watch...)

bridezilla1 · 08/12/2018 18:18

If you aren't watching your DD could it be she is actually asking to play with him and his daughter?

I always follow my 2 year old around and I'm always surprised if same aged children have parents who are on phones/reading papers as you describe. There is always a child that will watch me with my DD and say can you lift me on there, can I play too etc.

bridezilla1 · 08/12/2018 18:21

I do find it a bit odd when fathers follow their little ones all around the soft play.

What a bizarre comment. I find in lots of cases I see fathers are more likely than mothers to follow their young children as 1) they tend not to be the main caregiver so want more quality time as opposed to a mother wanting the break and 2) they don't spend as much time with them so wouldn't get what they can/can't do and what they might need help with

MrsMcW · 08/12/2018 18:25

It's so sad that these days the automatic reaction to a man paying attention to another's child is 'oh, he could be an abuser'. Is he the only dad who frequents the soft play? He may feel really out of place amongst a load of mums and so is trying (clumsily) to make a connection.

I think your comment will have put paid to that in future though.

Original poster
Trapseverywhere · 08/12/2018 18:36

No its about 50/50 splir between mums and dads.

OP posts:
Strongmummy · 08/12/2018 18:44

@bridezilla1 I agree. It actually used to irritate me a bit when I was in there with my son and another 2 year old (without parental supervision) was trying to play with me.

blueskiesandforests · 08/12/2018 19:00

InglouriousBasterd exactly - a lot of parents who follow their kids around unnecessarily on play structures put other kids at risk (not maliciously but by going on slides or equipment where the weight disparity puts them at risk) or block them in totally obliviously or prevent them using parts of the equipment by blocking access or sitting on it. The parents who behave like cbeeebies presenters sometimes make kids feel duty bound to join in, especially if theyre used to adult led play in a childcare setting, and others are totally oblivious and couldn't care less that they're taking up the room for 5 or 6 toddlers, putting them at physical risk and reducing the quality of their play, because its all about the adult and their own child-as-toy and sod all the other kids.

Original poster
Trapseverywhere · 08/12/2018 19:04

My DD is generally playing about and he encourages her to come over. She is not latching on to him.

I can see her the vast majority of the time except when she goes through tunnels etc.

Sometimes she goes into the little rooms with other 2 year olds to play - People seem to think it is dangerous that she does this alone but when there is only other 2 year olds there then what is the worst that can happen? On occasions one child pushes another but the parents hear them complaining and intervene and everyone forgets about it 2 minutes later. If there is a child who is especially boisterous then I would hang around my DD more closely but if the children seem more placid and are playing together well then I stay in the cafe.

I am so near that I could be with her within 5 to 20 seconds depending on which part she is in. I haven’t exactly abandoned her there.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 08/12/2018 19:11

Ah I’m horribly torn

As a parent I would hate this. I know NAMALT but it preys on your mind

Saying that, I remember as a kid, a man and his two children coming to my local park and he played with all of us.

We had a whale on a time and it was fantastic.

When I told my mum, she was concerned though at the time I didn’t really understand why. I do now.

Kids seems to love playing with adults especially when they get into it

Argh difficult!!!

Eliza9917 · 08/12/2018 19:48

What is NAMALT?

I assume it's not all men are XX?

Soubriquet · 08/12/2018 20:00

Not all men are like that

Eliza9917 · 08/12/2018 20:07

Thank you!

JuniperBeer · 08/12/2018 20:24

Would you feel the same if it was a woman?

Sugarformyhoney · 08/12/2018 20:31

I used to have to shadow my da as he has a disability. Used onsnniy me when ither people who sit glued to phones while their children wanted to play with an adult interested in them, so latched on to me
Op it’s unlikely your dd is playing with other kids as opposed to alongside them at that age. I’d go in with her, she’s still little. Not because of the bloke but because st they age they’re prone to hitting, biting etc. They need to be supervised.

blueskiesandforests · 08/12/2018 20:37

Those advising the OP to go onto the play structure are advising her to climb and slide about carrying a non mobile baby, which seems to indicate a lack of ability to sensibly think through relative risks..

lily2403 · 08/12/2018 20:43

**At soft play my DH always goes around with DS1 as he is extremely shy, and other kids barge past him etc..My DH hates this, because all others parents sit on their phones, drinking coffee..he is the fun one to all the other children! They all follow him around etc, wanting to play..or get chased, when he is chasing our son..asking if they can join in etc..he always feels extremely uncomfortable!! When I go around, I don't feel uncomfortable at all with other children joining in playing with me and my son.

It shocks me how many parents just aren't bothered at all and let their tiny chidlren just go off!

This stereotype that is held against a man, is awful though.

But I would be the same I would not let my son play with a stranger whether they are female or male!**

^
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