This dad at softplay

[Trapseverywhere]

Once a week I take my 2 year old DD1 to a toddler morning at a soft-play place. The children there are usually only age 1 and 2 and it is not busy. The play structure is not very big so I can see DD most of the time except when she walks through some tunnels or goes behind a wall. There is also some little rooms to the side with a pretend shop and a pretend garage etc. I sit nearby and look at my phone or read a paper while minding dd2 (baby). I glance over a lot so i know that DD1 is happy and if she is out of sight for too long I go over to check she is ok. Its nice to have some time to read or just drink coffee while DD1 is happy playing with other children. Most of the other parents sit at the tables too as the place is very quiet at that time of day.

There is this dad I often see there with his 2 year old DD. I chatted to him one day and he seemed nice enough but ever since is a little bit over friendly when I meet him, as if we have known each other for years. Like he comes right up to my DD2’s pram and lifts the blaket off when she is sleeping and smiles at her - which I guess is friendly but I wish he’d just stay away. I know some people have issues socially as my own DS has autism so i try to be a bit understanding of people who lack boundaries.

He follows his daughter onto the play structure - which is totally fine as a few of the parents do. His daughter seems well able to go by herself but I presume he just enjoys playing with her.

The thing I don’t like is that he encourages my DD to go with him and his DD. I don’t like when he disappears behind walls, into tunnels or into the little rooms alone with them. I know the chances of him being an abuser are very low but that is what is at the back of my mind. Of course my DD comes across other parents on the play structure but they seem to give her space and respect boundaries. When they disappear i walk over and find them and keep an eye.

Today I noticed my DD was with him and his DD and the three of them went to the slide. His DD went down first and ran off and the man waitied to go down with my DD. When they got to the bottom of the slide I went over and called my DD. The man smiled and said he was looking after her. I said, without a smile, my DD is fine and can manage by herself. I felt like I was being a bitch to someone who more likely than not is a nice man. My DD doesn’t need to be minded by him - she is always happy playing with other toddlers, waving over to me or popping back to me for a rest or to drink some water.

So AIBU to not like this and to be a bit cold to this man to give him the hint that I don’t want him hanging around with my DD - or should I accept that the chances of him being an abuser are very low and get over it. I know I could follow my DD around on the structure but it is not easy with DD2 to carry too and annoying when DD1 doesn’t need me to follow her or want me too.

It's like a parallel universe here. The other day somebody was complaining about "older people" potential abusers talking to her toddler. 100% of Mumsnetters told her she was being unreasonable. Today we have a Dad who is a regular at soft play, encouraging his child to play with another while mum, who admits herself, is reading her phone or magazine. If this regular Dad is such a threat, I'd be putting my phone down and joining in. To say he is "encouraging" her to go out of your sight is pretty fucking shit in my view. He's probably following his own child and being kind to yours. My own Dad, who has been the best and loveliest Dad ever, has been frightened off from interracting with children because of this attitude. If your gut instinct is telling you something is off...then be there and get off your phone. Don't get me wrong, I am a single parent, also with an ASD child, but the kindness and inclusion that has been extended to my child by other parents has been appreciated very much. You can't go through life concluding that everybody is a potential abuser and if you must so that...then shadow your child.

Even as a woman I'm mindful of boundaries with other people's children in the soft play- I'm nice enough if they approach me but really don't encourage them to do so. Although he probably means well, you can't just be chill about your child going off to play with a stranger so he's put you in an awkward situation. As a PP said, he is making it difficult for you to parent as you wish to and as such is being a PITA. I think you did the right thing. If it comes up
again I would explain that although you don't follow her in due to the baby, you like her to stay where you can see her and to make the most of the opportunity to mix with her peers without adult intervention.

No, I don't think I'd be OK with this particular man.

He is grooming you too - being friendly and chatting to show your DD that "it's OK, I am not a stranger, I am Mummy's friend".

Calling her over, being overly attentive, calling her behind walls and into tunnels and out of your vision is very odd and unwelcome behaviour and I think you should actually be blunt to the point of rude about it.

Very directly tell him that you don't know him, it's inappropriate, and not OK. Go get your daughter every singe time and say to her, in front of him, "we don't go with strangers and this man is a stranger".

If he persists, I'd be telling the centre manager. It's ick.

Sorry, I don't agree that this man has put the OP in an "awkward situation". At all. He's at soft play with his own child. This thread would not be occurring if it was a mum encouraging the child to go through tunnels or out of sight, let's be honest. OP, my advice is the next time you go to soft play and this man interracts with your child, report him to staff as a threat to your child and then hopefully no other single dads will come along after that.

OP you sound like an intelligent person. You notice he is being overfriendly, he is encouraging your daughter to go play with him and he tells you he is "taking care" of her unprompted.

As you see, speak and hear this man only you have the complete picture of what he is like. As psychologists love to mention 70% of communication is non verbal, so you have picked up on cues, glances, body language, that we can only guess at from reading your post.

If your instinct is telling you something, I'd listen to it.

I'd be freaked out if a women I didn't know was doing this - actually more so, because women are generally more sensitive to social nuance and etiquette, so it would be more surprising.

I'm not a helicopter parent and several pps would think that I fall down the negligent end of parenting from their soft play supervision standards, but I would rather risk offending an over-friendly person exceeding my comfort zone than risk exposing my children to harm out of politeness to someone I barely know.

I have a confident, independent child who regularly engages with people. I have only had one person who has exceeded my comfort zone with him. They engage first, and are very zealous in asserting how "helpful" they are when it is all unnecessary, for example the time my activity finished 1 minute later than DC's within the same building. DC was accompanied by staff until claimed anyway but this person was keen to be "helpful" by asserting that it was all OK because they were there to look after them This is a casual aquaintence in the community and I don't want my DC being fed the message that this person is being trusted to look after them and it has happened a few times. Of all the shop assistants etc DC has chatted to over the years, no one else has overstepped that boundary on being over familiar and presumptive that they are a "safe" person. That is a parental decision, not anyone elses.

I've worked with young people in numerous roles and one of the basics of safeguarding is not being isolated with a young person on your own for everyones' well-being. There is a difference in OP's DD interacting with the dad where she is on her own terms and him encouraging her to move out of sight and assuming a role of responsibility without parental consent. That does not mean he has sinister intentions, but he has created a situation for considering the possibility of it.

I would find it odd. Most people I know avoid having to entertain strangers children in soft play, not encourage them.

There is a difference in OP's DD interacting with the dad where she is on her own terms and him encouraging her to move out of sight and assuming a role of responsibility without parental consent. That does not mean he has sinister intentions, but he has created a situation for considering the possibility of it.

You describe my feelings better than I do.

i think he is grooming you, too.

2yr olds need constant supervision. Just because you are in a soft play area, doesn’t mean you should drink coffee and play on your phone.

This is the age when they are starting to interact with other children, and they are learning from these experiences. You need to be there, to make sure they are being treated well by other children, and they are behaving appropriately also....that’s how they learn.

I just want to put it out there that this image of abusers being weird or over friendly is sometimes absolutely not the case. Some of the most horrific abusers are successful because they ARE NOT weird etc. They slip very carefully under the radar.

One day I was looking for my DD on the higher part of the play structure as she had gone out of view for a short time. I saw her and waved at her, she was happy playing. Then the man came into view, with his DD and looked down to me and called ‘we’re up here’. I just found it mildly odd as I hadn’t considered that my DD and him were part of a group. I hardly know him, he’s just a stranger that I’ve briefly talked to. I felt uncomfortable as I felt if I waved back I would be acknowledging that they were a group and kind of saying that I was ok with that.

Nope - I would not be happy with this at all. Like others have said, he has taken it upon himself to be the friendly parent who is looking after YOUR child. Whatever his intentions are, this is crossing the line. It’s annoyed me to hear that he has said things like “we’re up here” - erm, who the hell are you? if you had given a positive response it would suggest that you were compliant with his behaviour. He either has boundary issues or is acting inappropriately - unfortunately he is taking advantage of the fact that you are not in complete close proximity to your child. It pisses me off no end that we have to worry about these things.

That quote from AnotherPidgey which OP has quoted sums up how I feel too.

I’ll often interact in a friendly way with other kids while playing with my son in public places (I’m a mum).

This is always in response to the child wanting to join in - eg, DS and I are building a tower and they want to help.

I usually glance around to locate the child’s parents so I know they aren’t lost. I would never encourage a child to leave their parents’ sight, quite the opposite.

If my son was going through a tunnel, I would wait at the other end.. not go in the tunnel myself with other kids.

I would not feel comfortable about a stranger putting my son on their lap, whether to go down a slide or otherwise.

I take my DS to a play group because he’s an only child and I want him to interact with other kids. He’s non verbal so if a child approaches I say hello, this is Andrew what’s your name? Andrew are you going to give this little boy a turn at playing with the train? Etc. I was a teacher before I became a SAHM so I suppose I’m still a bit in teacher mode too. Now I’m wondering if I’m freaking parents out? It’s surprising how many of them apologise for bothering us and whip their kid away!

You let your 2 year old just play and don’t watch her properly?
Watch your child properly!!

I’d never let my 2 year old out of my site at a softplay!

MilkyCuppa

do you encourage other children to follow you to areas out of sight of their parents -

or do you start taking it upon yourself to look after other children who are perfectly happy and don’t need looking after as their own parents are a short distance away?

Parents can be so mistrusting of other parents. I was at an event (small, like a wedding) and my dd was playing with this other child that I didn’t know. I was shadowing my dd but had no idea who was in charge of this other child, no one to be seen! I stayed close to both of them, sitting close and keeping an eye but not interfering with their play, eventually the mother of the other child came over and aggressively picked up her child, shot me a horrible look and stormed off with her Kid. Weird

Over friendly guy aside I’m a bit surprised you’re not in with your daughter tbh. in the soft plays near me there is a section for 2 and under and the parents are in there with the kids. That’s the norm and indeed there’s a sign saying they need to have adult supervision. Therefore if you’re with your daughter you wouldn’t have the dilemma.

God, stop focusing on the Ops behaviour people!

FFS, she's clearly picked up a vibe and has now given the guy a 'back off' cue. Good for you Op. He's seeking out a role you haven't asked him to do.

The amount of women who don't listen to their inner voice about someone is frightening.

I mentioned earlier that I don’t go to soft play because of my age gaps meaning I can’t mind them both properly, but it’s not just the stranger danger aspect. The thing that stopped me going was that my DS fell head first down those bouncy foam stairs. Yes they are soft but it’s still a big drop and I couldn’t get to him quickly enough because I had a baby strapped to me and couldn’t get through the foam bars. I was watching him, and was only a few feet away. I’d find somewhere you can put them both down to play like a nice group? Messy play etc, baby can sleep in the buggy during the class?

At a normal soft play on a Saturday I would go with her as there would be big children charging about and it would not be safe - but as I explained above this is a small enough soft play area - it is a toddler morning with only 1 and 2 year olds. Sometimes when I get there in the morning DD might be the first child and another 4 or 5 might arrive shortly after. By 11 o’clock there might be up to 20 very small children.

There are lots of tables in the cafe looking right at the play structure so you can see the children but from time to time they disappear out of sight - like going through a tunnel or behind a little wall.

Parents of the 1 year olds tend to be following them about more as they can’t manage to climb up without help. Nearly all of the 2 year olds go in alone and then run about together.

It really isn’t that dangerous. In all the time I’ve been there nothing significant has happened. Once DD got stuck out of sight but she cried and I heard her and went up and rescued her and she learnt to avoid that part for now. Another time one of the children was playing a bit rough and hurt DD so I went over and gave DD a hug and the parent of the other child came over to talk to their child and then us two parents had a nice chat about how hard it can be at this age when children are only learning and sometimes hit each other.

"It's a parents responsibility to pay full attention to what their child is doing at all times. "

Dear lord really! You must never get anything done! You sound like a helicopter parent!

It's good for children to have some independence and do things on their own. This is how they learn problem solving and risk taking. If you are always with them they will not take any risks and will always look to you to solve their problems for them. You are doing child a real disservice!

OP I think its perfectly fine to let your 2 year old go off at a toddler-only soft play session. What's the alternative - trying to crawl around in there with your baby?
Children get so little chance to play independently and freely nowadays, soft play is great for them to develop skills and learn risk taking in a safe environment, it improves their self-confidence to learn to do things by themselves.

I used to take DD to soft play a lot, it was a morning session (so no older children running around) and she was happy to go off on her own with her little friends. I was either pregnant (so absolutely no way I could get into soft play even if I wanted to!) and then I had a baby. I'd sit and watch with a cuppa, and listen out if she called for me, she knew where I was if she wanted a drink or snack or loo.
There was another mum who was very much a 'helicopter parent' who would follow her child around softplay, and similarly would say to me 'I'll look after your DD for you' and then encourage DD to go round with them. I knew she meant well but DD was perfectly happy exploring by herself. I really don't think children need their play constantly dictated to by adults. I also found that DD would be more determined on her own - for example if she was climbing something and I was there she would want my help, but if she was on her own she would work it out and proudly come and tell me.
So I get where you are coming from, this would annoy me too whether it was a man or a woman doing it!