This dad at softplay

[Trapseverywhere]

Once a week I take my 2 year old DD1 to a toddler morning at a soft-play place. The children there are usually only age 1 and 2 and it is not busy. The play structure is not very big so I can see DD most of the time except when she walks through some tunnels or goes behind a wall. There is also some little rooms to the side with a pretend shop and a pretend garage etc. I sit nearby and look at my phone or read a paper while minding dd2 (baby). I glance over a lot so i know that DD1 is happy and if she is out of sight for too long I go over to check she is ok. Its nice to have some time to read or just drink coffee while DD1 is happy playing with other children. Most of the other parents sit at the tables too as the place is very quiet at that time of day.

There is this dad I often see there with his 2 year old DD. I chatted to him one day and he seemed nice enough but ever since is a little bit over friendly when I meet him, as if we have known each other for years. Like he comes right up to my DD2’s pram and lifts the blaket off when she is sleeping and smiles at her - which I guess is friendly but I wish he’d just stay away. I know some people have issues socially as my own DS has autism so i try to be a bit understanding of people who lack boundaries.

He follows his daughter onto the play structure - which is totally fine as a few of the parents do. His daughter seems well able to go by herself but I presume he just enjoys playing with her.

The thing I don’t like is that he encourages my DD to go with him and his DD. I don’t like when he disappears behind walls, into tunnels or into the little rooms alone with them. I know the chances of him being an abuser are very low but that is what is at the back of my mind. Of course my DD comes across other parents on the play structure but they seem to give her space and respect boundaries. When they disappear i walk over and find them and keep an eye.

Today I noticed my DD was with him and his DD and the three of them went to the slide. His DD went down first and ran off and the man waitied to go down with my DD. When they got to the bottom of the slide I went over and called my DD. The man smiled and said he was looking after her. I said, without a smile, my DD is fine and can manage by herself. I felt like I was being a bitch to someone who more likely than not is a nice man. My DD doesn’t need to be minded by him - she is always happy playing with other toddlers, waving over to me or popping back to me for a rest or to drink some water.

So AIBU to not like this and to be a bit cold to this man to give him the hint that I don’t want him hanging around with my DD - or should I accept that the chances of him being an abuser are very low and get over it. I know I could follow my DD around on the structure but it is not easy with DD2 to carry too and annoying when DD1 doesn’t need me to follow her or want me too.

OP, You picked up something subconciously was wrong. Listen to it. Act on it.

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OP, you are getting a really hard time, I don't understand these posters. Any stranger encouraging your child to go off with them is a potential risk. As a parent he should know that and understand it cannot continue. I would equally be unhappy about a mum doing that too.

When I told my DH he was horrified and said it was wrong. He goes in with our child (slightly younger than yours) and if a child smiles at him, he reciprocates but does not encourage them to play with him. He will only watch our child play with others and encourage that where need be. However if they both wandered off to the slides on their own accord, perhaps he'd follow to make sure they are okay. Perhaps you have missed bits of what's happened? As you can see, some parents follow to keep an eye on things, others don't and it's just a difference of opinion. Unfortunately, not everyone has the same opinion on boundaries either.

I'm so glad where I live is like it is. Sounds like all the parents near some of you lot follow your 6 Yr olds around a soft play like a lost puppy. Have coffee and leave them to it ffs! The play equipment will be collapsing with the weight of 30 grown adults begging their kids to play with them

This may already have been asked....

Would you feel the same way if this parent was a female rather than a male?

I don’t think it’s simply some friendly verbal interaction OP is uncomfortable with (Op correct me if i’m wrong).

It’s the physical contact (putting her child on his lap to go down the slide - is that what happened OP?).

And the seeming to encourage her child to join him and his child in going through tunnels etc, out of sight.

I think women are more conditioned to be sensitive to the feelz of menz than men are (and i’ve had my own dilemma with this recently).

A few times another child has joined my son and I (setting up train tracks etc) and the other child’s Dad seems to be totally ignoring us, sitting way across the library/ park.

Then another Dad with his child joins or starts playing nearby (almost certainly 100% innocent) and the first Dad has relocated to sit nearby - so he can keep a close eye on things.

I don’t think it would even occur to a lot of men that second Dad’s feelings might be hurt in this scenario. Or that first Dad is paranoid, or responsible for discouraging Dad-child interaction.

Like he comes right up to my DD2’s pram and lifts the blaket off when she is sleeping and smiles at her

Is this the OP's fault too?
The guy's behaving weirdly, who cares why.
I hope he takes the hint but, if not, tell him you want DD1 to be more independent so could he please not go with her on the soft play.

And tell him not to touch the blanket!

I do find it a bit odd when fathers follow their little ones all around the soft play.

Soft play is to teach them how to play independently. Gets them ready for when you drop them off to nursery etc.
If you follow their every move your just making hard work for yourself

My DH is a SAHP and mostly sits on the side at softplay but does often interact and play with other children. Children love him and he loves children. Just because he has a penis doesn’t mean he wants to have sex with children. It’s upsetting to me that other mums might think that. Statistically it’s much more likely a family member or friend that will abuse your child than a ‘stranger’ but if it makes you feel better keep a closer eye on your child.

OP I don't think YABU to feel uncomfortable about his boundaries not being aligned with yours, but those conflating this with him being a paedophile are (and you too OP) Different people and different communities can have very different social boundaries.

There is a large estate in my city which is notorious for poverty, deprivation, crime and antisocial behaviour. The times when I have had to go in there I realized they are the friendliest people ever, even to strangers. I took the dc into the shopping precinct cafe a few times and their boundaries towards strange children are way beyond what mine are but I realized they are very much 'it takes a village' mentality with each other rather than being paedos. Once dd sneezed and before I could even reach into my bag a man (who turned out to be the cafe owners father) had come over and wiped her nose. I was mortified but he explained he had 7 children and numerous dgc and just did these things automatically.

I do find it a bit odd when fathers follow their little ones all around the soft play.

I've seen plenty if women do it. Do you find that odd too or is it just men you reserve it for.

His lifting the blanket off a sleeping baby is out of line. Did you say anything to hime that would help you to establish boundaries?

I wouldn't be comfortable with this either, especially with a pre-verbal child.

I read a serious case review of a situation where a male nursery worker had abused a particular child, a girl X. The two aspects of it were that:

The man had built up a friendship with the child that seemed to go beyond the normal boundaries. Other staff had been uncomfortable with it, but not known how to describe/raise concerns.

The abuse often happened in situations when the children were coming back in from the outside play area to the inside area of the nursery. The majority of the children would walk back in via the corridor. The man would hang back slightly with X, perhaps tidying up or similar, then bring her back in through the kitchen or storeroom, which was quiet at that time of day. The man and X would reappear a couple of minutes later, but that was when it happened.

I think you need to break the pattern and go to a different soft-play centre.

I never said I think its weird for men to talk to children or to play with them - but I think with all adults (men and woman), there are certain boundaries we should have. Like one day a few years ago we were at a playground when my DS was about age 3. DH was swinging DS up in the air and another little boy came over and asked for DH to swing him around too. DH picked up the boy and swung him. This was in full view of other adults including the boys parents. DH was only trying to be kind to the boy and to include him but I told DH afterwards it might have seemed inappropriate to lift a child without checking its ok with the child's parents.

MaybeDoctor. I will be putting my daughter in nursery next year and this is my worst nightmare. It makes me not want to do it.

@PerfectPeony

It was an awful situation and tragic for that little girl and her family. Nothing can take that away.

But what happens is that following these reviews things get tightened up. This information would be circulated to councils, who then circulate it to nurseries/early years settings and people become aware of where the gaps in the net might be. For example, it is now a requirement for early years practitioners to have regular supervision sessions with a manager - so perhaps if staff feel 'off' about another staff member, they can flag it up to their manager. Ofsted act very quickly on safeguarding concerns - they can close the nursery and carry out an urgent investigation if needed. Although there are always risks, there are safeguards built into the system.

In my view, risks are more likely to lie in informal situations where boundaries are relaxed - as in what the OP is describing.

I know not all men are abusers - far from it. I also know there are abusive woman who have done terrible things. What makes me feel more wary of men than women is my personal experience.

A man rubbed up against me when I was 12 standing on a busy street

A man pulled up in his car when i was at school and beeped to get a group of girls to go to the fence and then flashed at them. I was about 10 for that one.

When I have been on public transport there has been lots of incidents - involving men - making me feel uncomfortable - maybe standing too close when it wasn’t necessary or giving sleezy looks or making sleezy comments. Again, pushing boundaries, knowing you would feel unconfortable to do anything which would imply you think they are up to no good.

When I’m walking home on a dark night on a lonely road I feel nervous if a man walks up behind me but not at all nervous if it is a woman.

A man in my town is in jail for sexually abusing a child in a nursery. He was caught for downloading child abuse images and then they discovered photos of the child on his computer.

So due to my personal experience I do feel more wary of men even though rationally I know the vast majority of them are good.

I really think the answer is to enforce your own boundaries and not worry about how that makes other people feel.

What's worse, someone feeling a tiny bit unappreciated / thinking you're unfriendly, for five minutes of their day, or you feeling your dd's safety, your ability to protect her, is being compromised?

I used to hate it when adults would be in the soft play blocking kids in and ‘playing’. DD learnt how to interact and play with new and different kids in soft play - give them some space. As long as you’re keeping an eye, what’s the problem?

Whatever his intentions you do not feel comfortable. Hopefully he will take the hint from today.

@inglorious maybe coz I work full time so I’m when I’m with my kid and I wanna play with him !!!

Being wary of men is normal, because men are the main perpetrators of crime and most women have had a mad experience. If you have an instinct about this man follow it.

Sorry, that should have read @inglorious coz I work full time so when I’m with my kid I want to play with him

Would you feel the same way if this parent was a female rather than a male?

Why should people judge women the same way? Men commit 98% of sex crimes. Women simply don’t pose the same risk.