This dad at softplay

[Trapseverywhere]

Once a week I take my 2 year old DD1 to a toddler morning at a soft-play place. The children there are usually only age 1 and 2 and it is not busy. The play structure is not very big so I can see DD most of the time except when she walks through some tunnels or goes behind a wall. There is also some little rooms to the side with a pretend shop and a pretend garage etc. I sit nearby and look at my phone or read a paper while minding dd2 (baby). I glance over a lot so i know that DD1 is happy and if she is out of sight for too long I go over to check she is ok. Its nice to have some time to read or just drink coffee while DD1 is happy playing with other children. Most of the other parents sit at the tables too as the place is very quiet at that time of day.

There is this dad I often see there with his 2 year old DD. I chatted to him one day and he seemed nice enough but ever since is a little bit over friendly when I meet him, as if we have known each other for years. Like he comes right up to my DD2’s pram and lifts the blaket off when she is sleeping and smiles at her - which I guess is friendly but I wish he’d just stay away. I know some people have issues socially as my own DS has autism so i try to be a bit understanding of people who lack boundaries.

He follows his daughter onto the play structure - which is totally fine as a few of the parents do. His daughter seems well able to go by herself but I presume he just enjoys playing with her.

The thing I don’t like is that he encourages my DD to go with him and his DD. I don’t like when he disappears behind walls, into tunnels or into the little rooms alone with them. I know the chances of him being an abuser are very low but that is what is at the back of my mind. Of course my DD comes across other parents on the play structure but they seem to give her space and respect boundaries. When they disappear i walk over and find them and keep an eye.

Today I noticed my DD was with him and his DD and the three of them went to the slide. His DD went down first and ran off and the man waitied to go down with my DD. When they got to the bottom of the slide I went over and called my DD. The man smiled and said he was looking after her. I said, without a smile, my DD is fine and can manage by herself. I felt like I was being a bitch to someone who more likely than not is a nice man. My DD doesn’t need to be minded by him - she is always happy playing with other toddlers, waving over to me or popping back to me for a rest or to drink some water.

So AIBU to not like this and to be a bit cold to this man to give him the hint that I don’t want him hanging around with my DD - or should I accept that the chances of him being an abuser are very low and get over it. I know I could follow my DD around on the structure but it is not easy with DD2 to carry too and annoying when DD1 doesn’t need me to follow her or want me too.

Trapseverywhere

What’s so shocking about a parent having a break?
I mind my children, including one who has autism, from the moment i get up to the moment i fall asleep. Going to the softplay is a chance for me to have some time to sit down while DD has fun. She’s not exactly neglected!

Yesterday 18:45Trapseverywhere

I would never have let my 5 year old DD out of my sight let alone age 2

This seems a bit OTT. Would you follow your 5 year old around in a softplay place?

omg just ignore them, they're obviously superior parents that don't take their eyes off their children for a second, they're probably the ones running after them with a baby wipe, feeding them gluton free, dairy free,sugar free, organic, vegan things and breast feeding until there in year 7, their children will be the little brats, spoiled by over bearing parents.
I do exactly as you do, dc are safe, happy, learning to play with independence and I have a nice coffee to relax just for a short time.... No crime there

Coming back to this thread with fresh eyes today, I parent differently to you, as we all do to each other, how I’d do things is irrelevant and I apologise for any judginess.

You as her mother don’t like this man interacting with your DD, you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone - or him. YANBU. Sod it if he thinks you’re a ‘bitch’/‘cold’ etc your DD’s safety and happiness is more important than offending some random stranger.

I think I’m reading a different thread to everyone else.

Op says in her actual OP, that this father lifts the blanket off her baby when she’s sleeping. Who the fuck does that? That is seriously creepy and weird, and I would have a major problem with anyone who thought that was an ok thing to do. Boundaries, people, boundaries!

Sorry Op, but I am totally with you. This man has iffy boundaries for whatever reason, and I wouldn’t let him anywhere near my child. He may just be socially awkward and have no ill intent, but I still wouldn’t like him near my child because i want my child to learn that there are socially-accepted boundaries that no adults should cross.

I have a two and a half years old and a 16 week old. When we go to soft play I put the baby in a carrier and follow the toddler around. Having said that, my toddler likes to run wild round a large soft play area - not like what the OP is describing. I would definitely be wary of this man and be ready to tell him to back off again in future. Especially if he is trying to interact with your daughter rather than she has just attached herself to him.

I would not be happy either. It's not about him. We teach our children not to go off with strangers...and yet he is a stranger who is encouraging her to go off with him. Also, I think its good she is playing independently.

I personally think you totally did the right thing OP
I think this man was on the prowl looking for parents with weak boundaries

@MarilynSlumroe Because those 4 men you've named are representative of the entire male population, are they? I mean, it's not like there's an outcry over each and every case of abuse because it's just so commonplace isn't it? Not every man is a paedo, and this suspicious attitude is why the number of men working with children (teachers, scout leaders) has plummeted. Sod that small boys need male role models, he's a grown man who spends time with children, he MUST want to touch their privates. Because naturally those 4 that you named are the rule not the exception.

People like you depress me.

And lastly, I was born in 1988. So I'm not some wistful old biddy looking back with rose tinted specs, I've grown up with these attitudes. I'm just not narrow minded enough to sign up to them.

Well done to him for taking the chance to play with his child. Shame for your child that she can't join in. Would you feel the same if it was a woman?

No male or female should be encouraging a small child who is not theirs to go off to out of sight places.

You are far more likely to be abused by someone known but stranger danger does exist. So don't normalise that if it's OK to go off with someone you don't know for your own or other people's children.

It also protects the adult against misunderstandings or being wrongly accused if they are never out of sight with someone else's child.

Playing in the visible bits isn't a problem though. I'm surprised at a soft play place having out of sight separate rooms.

This thread should be compulsory reading for any man considering a career in early years care/education. And we wonder why it's seems as women's work ?

I don't think you're being unreasonable op. If I were you, I'd tell him clearly that he should allow dd to play in the way she wants. Tell him you don't want his intervention in her play. Keep saying it and hopefully he'll get the message. His lack of boundaries and over friendliness would bother me.

I haven’t read the whole thread. He may not be an abuser but the point is you can’t possibly know and I would hate someone following my kids around and touching them.

If I were you I would start going to a different soft play.

Also there are usually height restrictions so my older children aren't allowed in really.
I usually let my 3 year old watch the baby in the soft play bit and my older children usually Sneak on.
I use this time to get myself a warm meal, cappuccino and browse here or Facebook.
I can hear if my dc gets hurt or stuck etc.
I see it as my time and why not.

Forgot to add... If I see any men I will take them all off

Child abuse was endemic and children were not believed.

In many cases this abuse took place in places where men has easy access to children such as church, school, drama group, etc.

My worry, and it is backed up by many charities and government bodies, is that we now know of these abuses by men and how the children weren't listened too etc. but how much is going on now where women are the perpetrators but because there's an attitude of "Men are the dangerous ones" they're getting away with it and not being watched.

Time and again we read stories where the child tells their mum, the mum ignores them and this facilitates abuse.
Stories of nursery workers sending photos to their boyfriends.
Stories of women offering up their own children to be abused by singers. Etc

In 20 years time, if there's 100s or 1000s of victims of women abusers coming forward like there is now with the victims of male abusers, it'll be because everyone will be guilty of turning a blind eye and believing women could never do that. Just because it goes unreported doesn't mean it isn't happening.

When you have a gut feeling, you trust it.

When my kids were small, a man at a local play group kept slightly pushing boundaries in the way that you describe- acting like the other mums and I had known him for years, trying to tag along to activities or join in conversations in a way that just felt uncomfortable. It was hard to put your finger on why, and we all felt like bitches for not really wanting to engage with him. I remember getting quite snappy with him about holding my youngest's hand and telling him to just let her walk and if she needed help then I would give it.

Fast forward a couple months and the guy was arrested and sent down for years, having horrifically abused a Thai woman he had isolated in his flat.

Now my policy is to just be rude if I feel uncomfortable, and leave as quickly as possible. I'm not responsible for a random guy's feelings if my spidey sense is tingling.

This would really freak me out tbh. Though admittedly, as a survivor of childhood SA, I'm able to see that sometimes my fears are irrational. However, I do think that father's behaviour is very inappropriate, whether or not he's an abuser, and YANBU to be uncomfortable about him.

Well said Marilyn

so many times the first response to slightly odd or inappropriate behaviour is to minimise, blame the victim or explain it away

predators court ambiguity they hide in it and use it, they sniff out people who have been conditioned to be polite because when faced with a situation that makes them feel uncomfortable these people are more likely to back down and give the benefit of the doubt

Ideally there shouldn't be any parents or over 12 year olds on the play structure. If kids are too young to get around without being lifted they should be in the areas for their age/ size. Parents should be watching their kids from the ground and only allowed onto the play structure if the child is stuck, to get them down, or to deal with any child to child arguments.