This dad at softplay

[Trapseverywhere]

Once a week I take my 2 year old DD1 to a toddler morning at a soft-play place. The children there are usually only age 1 and 2 and it is not busy. The play structure is not very big so I can see DD most of the time except when she walks through some tunnels or goes behind a wall. There is also some little rooms to the side with a pretend shop and a pretend garage etc. I sit nearby and look at my phone or read a paper while minding dd2 (baby). I glance over a lot so i know that DD1 is happy and if she is out of sight for too long I go over to check she is ok. Its nice to have some time to read or just drink coffee while DD1 is happy playing with other children. Most of the other parents sit at the tables too as the place is very quiet at that time of day.

There is this dad I often see there with his 2 year old DD. I chatted to him one day and he seemed nice enough but ever since is a little bit over friendly when I meet him, as if we have known each other for years. Like he comes right up to my DD2’s pram and lifts the blaket off when she is sleeping and smiles at her - which I guess is friendly but I wish he’d just stay away. I know some people have issues socially as my own DS has autism so i try to be a bit understanding of people who lack boundaries.

He follows his daughter onto the play structure - which is totally fine as a few of the parents do. His daughter seems well able to go by herself but I presume he just enjoys playing with her.

The thing I don’t like is that he encourages my DD to go with him and his DD. I don’t like when he disappears behind walls, into tunnels or into the little rooms alone with them. I know the chances of him being an abuser are very low but that is what is at the back of my mind. Of course my DD comes across other parents on the play structure but they seem to give her space and respect boundaries. When they disappear i walk over and find them and keep an eye.

Today I noticed my DD was with him and his DD and the three of them went to the slide. His DD went down first and ran off and the man waitied to go down with my DD. When they got to the bottom of the slide I went over and called my DD. The man smiled and said he was looking after her. I said, without a smile, my DD is fine and can manage by herself. I felt like I was being a bitch to someone who more likely than not is a nice man. My DD doesn’t need to be minded by him - she is always happy playing with other toddlers, waving over to me or popping back to me for a rest or to drink some water.

So AIBU to not like this and to be a bit cold to this man to give him the hint that I don’t want him hanging around with my DD - or should I accept that the chances of him being an abuser are very low and get over it. I know I could follow my DD around on the structure but it is not easy with DD2 to carry too and annoying when DD1 doesn’t need me to follow her or want me too.

I'm a children's social worker, please believe me when I say that the sexual abuse of children by men remains extremely prevalent. It is absolutely NOT the case that every case of abuse prompts an outcry because it's so rare. The opposite in fact, most don't even make the local papers. OP I would absolutely trust your instincts, keep this man away from your child.

Alarm bells ringing at him disregarding you when you called your DD and he said ‘she’s fine’ or whatever he said. That’s for you not him to determine. At the very least he is extremely pushy and annoying but you’re right to feel uncomfortable and not tolerate him again as this is weird behaviour.

I would suggest that his it's alright I'm looking after her for you is his opening line, your response to that tells him whether or not you and your child can be victimised

I agree with @wherethewildthingis - child abuse is indeed far more common than is acknowledged and it's just a fact that statistics show men are more likely to commit sex crimes than women. And it's because of their biological make up. It's why the trans debate brings up so much anger because trans women don't become less likely to commit a sex crime just because they've decided they have a lady brain.

OP, how did the man respond when you said unsmilingly that your dd was fine and didn't need looking after? I'm not quick to pick up body language, facial expressions etc, but I would have got the hint about that!

Just wondering if he backed off placatingly or what

I’m not sure what he thought as it could have sounded like I was saying it like ‘ no need to be stressing yourself keeping an eye on her as she should be ok by herself’. I said it in a neutral tone without a friendly smile and then I walked off quickly towards where my DD was going.

The message from a lot of the posts that say I am being unreasonable is that the softplay area is too dangerous for my DD to be in alone - but the danger is not from a man who encourages her to follow him to hidden areas - the danger is from other 2 year olds who might hit her etc?

Would you feel the same if it was a woman?

Irrelevant.

Women aren't as likely to be sexual predators and that's a fact.

Trust your instincts OP, the weirdest part of all of this is that he went down the slide with your dd on his knee.

We dont have children but sometimes we go to a soft play with a friend and her dd (when we go u up stay with them, it has pub attached and they do a good lunch ha!)

My dp always gets talked into going in with my friends dd (7), and always ends up with a tribe of children following him round like the pied piper. He NEVER goes out of sight with children he does not know and would never put one on his knee to go down a slide, or touch them at all tbh.

Playing ball fights/tag/jusb running about, fine. Touching / holding kids you dont know and taking them off to secrete hidden areas = not okay

I'm with wherethewildthingis on this one. I'm not a social worker, I've no idea what the true rates are and my SO was a SAHD who often felt left out or scrutinised just because he's a man.... but the fact remains that you felt weird about this guy. I trust your instinct and I've never even met you. No, YANBU

Trapseverywhere if all the parents kept off the playstructure except when essential, and kept a close eye from ground level, all the children would be safer. Of course there's no real threat from other 2 year olds compared to adults!
Supervising adults should no more be on the play structure than obliviously utterly engrossed in their phones, they should be aware of their child or children at all times from the ground.

I agree that your child is too young to play on their own in soft play. Poor guy is probably feeling sorry for them being left to it at such a young age. He’s in there with his 2 year old so wondering why you aren’t in there with yours. Either take baby in a sling so you can walk through or don’t take your child until they’re old enough to play alone.

I think it’s sad that a good dad making the effort instantly gets pegged as a paedophile just because he’s male!

What is the risk to my child playing with other 2 year olds in a small soft play on a very quiet toddler morning when I am keeping an eye on her? I don’t mind when she goes out of sight with other babies for a short time like when they crawl through tunnels. The worst thing that had happened is on occassions one child pushes another but there is no long term harm done and it is all forgotten after about 2 minutes when the pusher says sorry and the child who was pushed gets a hug. Is that risk so serious that I need to spend the whole visit climbing up and down with my younger child - it seems like overkill to me.

And why do you feel there is risk when she is playing alone with other young children but no risk in being alone in parts of the play structure with a strange adult?

I will have to follow her on when the man is there but it is annoying as she is well able and happy to run around by herself.

My DH works with children. If he goes to soft play, children sometimes follow him. He definitely doesn't encourage them to follow him or go down the slide with him.

I wouldn't be happy with an adult calling my independent child away from their play to follow them.

Trapseverywhere the risks at play are the risk of adults deliberately harming children, the risk of adults accidentally falling or treading on children or creating weight imbalance on on equipment which tips or traps or squashes children, or the risk of children falking by themselves or the risk of one toddler pushing or thumping another.

Clearly its adults who put children at the greatest risk on soft play climbing structures. Children should be in age appropriate equipment and parents should be supervising via observation from the ground, not on the equipment themselves except if a child gets into difficulty.

Climbing around carrying or slinging a non mobile baby puts the baby at the most risk of anyone in the scenario - don't do that!
Sliding with children on laps also puts children at risk of more severe types of injury than sliding alone does.

You should trust your instincts OP.

This man needs to learn better social behaviour and it’s not your job to teach him. If he’s a nice innocent man then he is under suspcion because of the behaviour of other men.

IF men don’t like being suspected then they need to do more to end Male violence .

OP I think you're doing the right thing to just be straightforward with him (no need to be unfriendly). It's a fair enough request to want to be encouraging independence - your child after all! I don't think you should be made to feel you have to avoid that soft play either - why should you?

What is the risk to my child playing with other 2 year olds in a small soft play on a very quiet toddler morning when I am keeping an eye on her?

I'd say a pretty high risk actually given you've admitted you aren't keeping an eye on her at all and are on your phone, reading the paper or tending to the baby. Very very few men are paedophiles but most toddlers have little concept of sharing/taking turns and will push, bite, snack each other if frustrated.

In all my time bringing children to softplay (many years, as I have older children too) I have yet to come across a toddler who could be regarded as ‘high risk’ to another toddler. I suppose it depends on what you feel a high risk is. Maybe because I have older children I know that a bit of pushing and shoving among children is not the end of the world and is low risk (although definitely needs to be discouraged). I keep an eye and if she is being pushy or being pushed then I pop over to deal with it.

On occasions there is a very boisterous child and then I keep a much closer eye - but when the place is very quiet you can generally see that the children are playing calmly so there is no need to feel worried about something serious happening.

Is failing to share/take turns high risk?

As a child I came across two strange men who did inapproproate things - one rubbed up against me in a crowd and another flashed at me. So most men are good but some are not.

I just think in this day and age all adults should have boundaries with children - so they can be friendly to children but not do things like encourage the child to go out of sight with them.