This dad at softplay

[Trapseverywhere]

Once a week I take my 2 year old DD1 to a toddler morning at a soft-play place. The children there are usually only age 1 and 2 and it is not busy. The play structure is not very big so I can see DD most of the time except when she walks through some tunnels or goes behind a wall. There is also some little rooms to the side with a pretend shop and a pretend garage etc. I sit nearby and look at my phone or read a paper while minding dd2 (baby). I glance over a lot so i know that DD1 is happy and if she is out of sight for too long I go over to check she is ok. Its nice to have some time to read or just drink coffee while DD1 is happy playing with other children. Most of the other parents sit at the tables too as the place is very quiet at that time of day.

There is this dad I often see there with his 2 year old DD. I chatted to him one day and he seemed nice enough but ever since is a little bit over friendly when I meet him, as if we have known each other for years. Like he comes right up to my DD2’s pram and lifts the blaket off when she is sleeping and smiles at her - which I guess is friendly but I wish he’d just stay away. I know some people have issues socially as my own DS has autism so i try to be a bit understanding of people who lack boundaries.

He follows his daughter onto the play structure - which is totally fine as a few of the parents do. His daughter seems well able to go by herself but I presume he just enjoys playing with her.

The thing I don’t like is that he encourages my DD to go with him and his DD. I don’t like when he disappears behind walls, into tunnels or into the little rooms alone with them. I know the chances of him being an abuser are very low but that is what is at the back of my mind. Of course my DD comes across other parents on the play structure but they seem to give her space and respect boundaries. When they disappear i walk over and find them and keep an eye.

Today I noticed my DD was with him and his DD and the three of them went to the slide. His DD went down first and ran off and the man waitied to go down with my DD. When they got to the bottom of the slide I went over and called my DD. The man smiled and said he was looking after her. I said, without a smile, my DD is fine and can manage by herself. I felt like I was being a bitch to someone who more likely than not is a nice man. My DD doesn’t need to be minded by him - she is always happy playing with other toddlers, waving over to me or popping back to me for a rest or to drink some water.

So AIBU to not like this and to be a bit cold to this man to give him the hint that I don’t want him hanging around with my DD - or should I accept that the chances of him being an abuser are very low and get over it. I know I could follow my DD around on the structure but it is not easy with DD2 to carry too and annoying when DD1 doesn’t need me to follow her or want me too.

Your doubting it's safety though aren't you?! You shouldn't be questioning the fathers intentions. You should be with your child making sure she is safe

He’s going through tunnels / on soft play equipment right? Secluded rooms?! Wtf 🤔. Doesn’t sound like sneaking off to the toilets or anything weird. What a depressing thread. Sounds like a dad playing with his daughter and being friendly. World gone mad.

How utterly stupid this thread is. If you don’t follow your child round or hover round the edges trying to watch them then you’re a bad parent.

Well the soft plays I go to must be full of bad parents because I very rarely see parents in them. That’s the whole point of soft play. The rules are just to cover themselves for insurance purposes. Giving children some independence in a relatively safe environment is really good for them.

I’m one of those awful parents that literally sits on my phone drinking coffee and might not see my 5 year old for half an hour. It’s bliss. I can’t think of anything worse than playing with my child in soft play. Coffee just about makes it tolerable.
Don’t resent other parents for doing that. Your choice is to follow your child around. Theirs isn’t. Doesn’t make them neglectful.

I suppose on mumsnet i’ve often heard people say that woman and girls should be encouraged to speak up if they feel unconfortable and not worry about being seen as nice. But then when you give an example like mine many other people make you feel bad for questioning a man’s behaviour as not all men are abusers (of course!) and its unfair on the man for me to wonder if he might be up to no good.

OPs child isn’t 5, the soft play are for 1-2 year olds. I’m the first to ignore my 3 year old and play on my phone but I wasn’t doing that at 2 and under

@Caprisunorange she didn’t say she’s ignoring her 2 year old. She’s supervising from a distance and checking occasionally when she goes out of view, in a small toddler soft play. Depends on the 2 year old but sounds fine to me.

He’s going through tunnels / on soft play equipment right? Secluded rooms?! Wtf 🤔. Doesn’t sound like sneaking off to the toilets or anything weird.

You can be molested in a split second in a busy place. When I was about 12 I was standing with my friend in a big crowd on a very busy street watching a busker. I felt someone standing very near my back, then pressing against me, then thrusting against me. I turned around and the man who had been doing it immediately walked away very briskly. I followed him, not sure why, feeling very angry and he was standing in a doorway hiding and eventually I walked off.

In our soft play it's sign posted that parents are not allowed on the play structure! Parental supervision means keeping a good eye, making sure they're not bothering others imo, not that you have to shadow tgeir every move. Independent play with increasing challenges is a big plus for small children. I hate hearing people micro managing their children's route to the top of the slide, climbing frame etc.

Its simple. Give the soft play a break. Or go to another one.

Sorry, OP. I think he's just a nice guy, a friendly guy. But you're judging him because he's a guy. I get that. I really do. I've done it. And there's a reason we get our hackles up a bit and so I don't want to underestimate how you're feeling.
But your daughter is probably drawn to him and his little daughter because they're new people, it's an exciting place, and she's being celebrated and egged on by this dad. So to her, it's thrilling.
I tend to be a pied piper with kids. I'm the one who will be reading a book with my child and then suddenly I've got 3 other little ones next to us. I'd say this dad is a pied piper. Maybe he works with kids. I do and this tends to make me overly familiar with little ones. I know when to dial it back though and he's stepping over the line.
That being said, kids like to engage and I think your DD would probably like your engagement at the soft play centre a bit more. It's her little universe and she probably wants to share it with you.
I was like you with DD. I'd go to the soft play to get a bit of a breather, keep an eye on her, while having a chance to read the news and have a tea. But I'd also spend the first half totally exploring and interacting with her. Once she'd settle in, I'd then sit down and have my tea and keep an eye on her. Why don't you try half-half? First half engaging, second half, relaxing a bit more on the sidelines. And try another soft play centre for a while just to lose this guy's scent.

ExcitedForChristmas18 perhaps ease up on the judgment a bit?

I do stay beside my DD(2) all the time during soft play but I think how necessary this is depends on the layout of the particular centre. In our local one it’s laid out for parents to supervise, if you sat in the cafe part you wouldn’t see the toddler area at all. She technically could be let in on her own but she’s quite timid and there’s always a wild child or two there so it’s necessary to stay with her or she’ll end up getting kicked/pushed etc. I have to say I do get annoyed with parents who don’t supervise their kids at that centre but it’s actually very rare as most do.

In the soft play beside my mothers house it’s a different layout and different equipment so I can sit with a coffee and watch her because I can see every move she makes - it’s also pretty impossible for me to climb through that one with the baby in my arms as the gaps are tiny and perfectly suited for toddlers to manage alone.

Suffice to say we don’t know what OPs centre is like so it’s a bit harsh to be piling judgment on a mum that clearly has her hands full and just wants a coffee in peace to break up the monotony of the loooing days as a SAHM.

OP I’d trust your instincts. I highly doubt this man is a predator and it is sad that we have to think these things but I would feel the exact same as you.

Unbelievable some of the responses here. Forget about the mother, is it mentality healthy for a child to have their parents watching their every move at every waking minute?

In the 1920s my mother, aged four, used to walk three miles through the countryside alone save for her two-year-old brother. In the 1950s, I played out, aged two, with my six-year-old brother looking after me. My own dd played out and went to school alone aged five.

Times have changed and I now live in a country where there is a lot of child-snatching, so my dgd does not have these freedoms, but this must be affecting children's mental health, poor things.

Maybe he's just trying to help because he knows you can't get in there with her as you have the baby?

I would expect any parent, but especially a man, to make sure he played in full sight of the other child's parent and not to call her into secluded rooms and tunnels. At best, he is putting himself at risk of being misunderstood and accusations that could be devastating. At worst, he may have unsavoury intentions towards your DD.
Sounds like when people say "if women won't want to get raped, they shouldn't walk around at night/wear short skirts/drink/flirt".

This really isn’t a feminist issue. Other than what you’ve already done/said to him and going to check on your DC what was the purpose of this thread? Some people are friendly that others, he may or may not have dangerous intentions but unless you have proof he has every right to be there - again if you’re that concerned tell your DD to play wher you can see her or go with her.

Forget about the mother, is it mentality healthy for a child to have their parents watching their every move at every waking minute?

2 years old in a public place? Yes.

@Trapseverywhere
Depending on the size of the soft play I would have happily and gladly let DS loose on his own at 2.5. If it's a quiet toddler morning I don't see the harm.
If it's a packed soft play full of ten year olds I'd more than likely go with him. However this isn't easy with a baby!

In regards to the man, I think you were right. It's one thing if your DD has become a 'Clingon' with him and his DD but to actively seek her out is crossing boundaries.

I think you were overly harsh to this man, I can see that it came from a place of fear but I don't think your fear is justified. In a soft play centre the onus is on you to supervise your child, that includes your own personal boundaries with other people as a family. You say this man may have autistic traits but it actually sounds more like you do because you've overacted to a situation where nothing was going on and he even told you what he was doing. The only thing hidden was YOUR feelings and when you did state them you ended up being rude.

I'm with you on not following your toddler everywhere, there's no need to be over protective but if you have such strong feelings about strangers interacting with your child then you may have to follow her rather than expect everyone to be as uninvolved with the children as you are. I would talk to your toddler at a soft play centre, I may even help her if she was struggling to climb something or whatever. If she was playing with my child then I may be involved a bit. I think that's pretty normal tbh.

How do you know there was nothing going on and that the only thing hidden was my feelings? Chances are you are correct but you can’t be certain.

This thread has made me think of an article on shared parental leave I read the other day, where a SAHD said he found it really hard to make friends as a lot of mums were very cliquy and cold towards him. Is it possible that he is lonely (as a parent out with a toddler, I mean) and as you were nice enough to talk to him he’s kind of clinging to that and is relieved to have a friend? And as he sees you, his ‘friend’, busy looking after a baby, he decides to help by playing with both his DD and yours?

So should i be nice to him and pu aside the uneasy feelings I have?

OP I feel like you have a bit of an agenda here, as though you’re pushing everyone into telling you to ignore gut instinct and let him do what he wants with your DD. But the reality is you’ve just described perfectly normal behaviour and haven’t said anything that sounds like a cause for concern?

'It shocks me how many parents just aren't bothered at all and let their tiny chidlren just go off! '

Encouraging their children to play and make friends with other children without their mum or dad hanging over them you mean?

OP the guy sounds like a creep, don't let anyone take your child into private places where you can't see them. Maybe change your soft play day to a different one if you can.

OP what uneasy feelings do you have other than he is a man - I am one for following instincts but nothing you have said indicates he is anything other than a lonely dad tryign to make friends (indeed when you started I assumed it would be he was inappropriate towards you rather than your child).

You need to have more than he is a man who goes into softplay

So yes you need really to get to grips with what uneasy feelings you have rather than stereotyping

NAMALT ???

How do you know there was nothing going on and that the only thing hidden was my feelings? Chances are you are correct but you can’t be certain.

Because you were there