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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This dad at softplay

219 replies

Trapseverywhere · 07/12/2018 18:08

Once a week I take my 2 year old DD1 to a toddler morning at a soft-play place. The children there are usually only age 1 and 2 and it is not busy. The play structure is not very big so I can see DD most of the time except when she walks through some tunnels or goes behind a wall. There is also some little rooms to the side with a pretend shop and a pretend garage etc. I sit nearby and look at my phone or read a paper while minding dd2 (baby). I glance over a lot so i know that DD1 is happy and if she is out of sight for too long I go over to check she is ok. Its nice to have some time to read or just drink coffee while DD1 is happy playing with other children. Most of the other parents sit at the tables too as the place is very quiet at that time of day.

There is this dad I often see there with his 2 year old DD. I chatted to him one day and he seemed nice enough but ever since is a little bit over friendly when I meet him, as if we have known each other for years. Like he comes right up to my DD2’s pram and lifts the blaket off when she is sleeping and smiles at her - which I guess is friendly but I wish he’d just stay away. I know some people have issues socially as my own DS has autism so i try to be a bit understanding of people who lack boundaries.

He follows his daughter onto the play structure - which is totally fine as a few of the parents do. His daughter seems well able to go by herself but I presume he just enjoys playing with her.

The thing I don’t like is that he encourages my DD to go with him and his DD. I don’t like when he disappears behind walls, into tunnels or into the little rooms alone with them. I know the chances of him being an abuser are very low but that is what is at the back of my mind. Of course my DD comes across other parents on the play structure but they seem to give her space and respect boundaries. When they disappear i walk over and find them and keep an eye.

Today I noticed my DD was with him and his DD and the three of them went to the slide. His DD went down first and ran off and the man waitied to go down with my DD. When they got to the bottom of the slide I went over and called my DD. The man smiled and said he was looking after her. I said, without a smile, my DD is fine and can manage by herself. I felt like I was being a bitch to someone who more likely than not is a nice man. My DD doesn’t need to be minded by him - she is always happy playing with other toddlers, waving over to me or popping back to me for a rest or to drink some water.

So AIBU to not like this and to be a bit cold to this man to give him the hint that I don’t want him hanging around with my DD - or should I accept that the chances of him being an abuser are very low and get over it. I know I could follow my DD around on the structure but it is not easy with DD2 to carry too and annoying when DD1 doesn’t need me to follow her or want me too.

OP posts:
Creatureofthenight · 07/12/2018 21:06

No if you feel uneasy then you will obviously not be happy about it and will act accordingly, you need to feel comfortable about what your children are doing. I was just trying to see things from the other side - men are often viewed with suspicion for liking spending time with small children.

theconstantinoplegardener · 07/12/2018 21:14

littleme NAMALT stands for Not All Men Are Like That

Original poster
Trapseverywhere · 07/12/2018 21:17

men are often viewed with suspicion for liking spending time with small children.

I would have no problem with him being around my daughter in any of the open spaces - I just feel uneasy if he encourages her to go with him to the more hidden areas.

OP posts:
Laiste · 07/12/2018 21:18

If your instinct is that this man is pushing boundaries with you and/or your child then it's the right thing to do to push back.

It's NOT your responsibility to just suck it up because he's a man doing 'his best', or might be lonely, or might be socially unaware, or is 'just' being matey or what ever else. If you can't parent the way you want to when he's around then he's being a PITA and you have to hope that what you've said will be enough or stop going there for a while. Or be clearer.

No one is telling the OP to kick him in the nuts and run away FGS. I'm sure he'll cope with sticking to parenting just his own child.

FestiveNut · 07/12/2018 21:24

So he went down the slide with your DD, presumably sat on his lap?

Creatureofthenight · 07/12/2018 21:27

I didn’t say OP had to suck it up, I was just saying what occurred to me when I read the first post. If she’s not comfortable, she’s not comfortable, that’s that.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 07/12/2018 21:28

I do think it’s odd that he said he was minding her but tbh I think if your child is still young enough to go off to secluded places with a stranger you need to make sure they’re in sight at all times. I think my kids went around the soft play alone at about 3. And they were old enough to come and tell me if an adult was trying to get them to go anywhere with them.
Remember that abusers can be sneaky and it might not even be the adult who is behaving overtly oddly that you need to watch. Until your dd is old enough to recognise inappropriate adult behaviour and come to you I’d be going somewhere where you have a better view.

Alwaysdrama · 07/12/2018 21:29

I only took mine to soft play so I could sit with a magazine and a cuppa and get some peace whilst they went off and explored!!

OP don’t be guilt tripped on here by some helicopter parents.
Toddlers are exhausting when you are home with them all day and some time away from them is vital. Added to which they need to forge some independence and a safe controlled environment like soft play is ideal.

BlimeyCalmDown · 07/12/2018 21:31

Taking your child down the slide instead of his own is just creepy, trust your instinct, they are known to be friendly and charming.

PerfectPeony · 07/12/2018 21:35

Yeah, you did the right thing.

My DH and I took our niece to softplace once (we don’t have older kids so aren’t sure of all the soft play ‘politics’) there were some toddlers asking him to pick them up to reach something (parents not around) he said no- as he just knew it’s not appropriate.

I think you’ve been firm enough and I would keep an eye on it. I’m sure it’s harmless but most Dads know to avoid stuff like this.

Laiste · 07/12/2018 21:35

I didn't aim my comment specifically at you creatureofthenight :)

I just find the tone of the thread a bit gass-lighty. The OP has given a quite detailed explanation what's going on - him being a bit over familiar, him calling her daughter over and encouraging the child to follow him round the play zone.

However quite a few posters have responded that the man is in fact 'only' doing this or only doing that, and poor him and lots of reasons when the OP should be ashamed of her parenting and/or allow him to carry on.

KlutzyDraconequus · 07/12/2018 21:36

I'm a single dad to a daughter. I take her to soft plays all the time. Sometimes she makes a temporary friend, sometimes she doesn't. Sometimes I go in to the play area with her. etc.

Now sometimes, rarely, lots of kids gang up on me and enjoy chucking ballpit balls at me or generally playing. One kid jumped into my neck, I span a little and fell over and they all ran off in fits of laughter.

I would hate to think any of those kids parents are thinking I'm an abuser. It's making me second guess having fun with my daughter and other kids. Shame I'm not female, seems they don't get the same suspicions thrown at them.

IamPickleRick · 07/12/2018 21:37

As an aside you should never go down a slide with a child on your lap. Legs get broken.

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/children-slides-parents-laps-increase-ride-risk-injury-study-playgrounds-areas-a7947941.html

FestiveNut · 07/12/2018 21:41

Apparently, the reckoning is that about 1% of male adults are sexually attracted to pre-pubescent children. 2% if you include those attracted to the under-14s.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-28526106

So it's not as rare as you might think.

Original poster
Trapseverywhere · 07/12/2018 21:42

KlutzyDraconequus. i’ve no issue with what you describe - but would you encourage a child to go off with you into a tunnel out of view of other adults?

OP posts:
FestiveNut · 07/12/2018 21:42

@iampicklerick wow, I didn't know that. Thanks for the info.

lottiegarbanzo · 07/12/2018 21:44

Two issues:

  1. Is there anything to worry about? and,
  2. Is it ok for you to say 'no' when you're uncomfortable or have a preference that differs from what's happening?

I think yes to 2, so really 1 becomes irrelevant.

I suspect he's just not tuned in to toddler group social convention, in the way you are, so is well-intentioned but getting it a little bit wrong.

I've seen this a bit with those dads who do a day a week of childcare, or the odd half day, and can seem a bit over-enthusiatic, pushy, or over-friendly, when really they're just keen to take part, do their bit - and might not be so tired and in so much need of a break as full-time SAHPs.

Laiste · 07/12/2018 21:46

KlutzyDraconequus do you also call other children over to follow you around?

lottiegarbanzo · 07/12/2018 21:50

I think it's great that parents can do what Klutzy is doing - following the lead of the DCs. I think I'd be grateful of the diversion - in full sight of parents.

Some DCs are definitely drawn to horseplaying dads. DP has been mobbed by random dcs, when playing with dd occasionally. It's more that the parents are aplogetic for the intrusion and he (and I guess you Klutzy) indicate 'no problem', the dc plays a bit, then wanders off.

TeddybearBaby · 07/12/2018 21:54

@Trapseverywhere maybe your experience has clouded your judgement, maybe my ‘lack’ of experience has clouded mine. Who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️. I think he sounds like a nice guy playing with his child but I have no idea, I’m just reading a couple of lines on a forum. Doesn’t sound like you’ll be able to enjoy your coffee and free time while you’re worrying about this guy though....... hope you find a resolution!

JudasPrudy · 07/12/2018 21:58

'
I would hate to think any of those kids parents are thinking I'm an abuser. It's making me second guess having fun with my daughter and other kids. Shame I'm not female, seems they don't get the same suspicions thrown at them.'

Playing with a group of kids spontaneously is obviously very different from specifically targeting one family, taking the child away from her mum and out of her line of vision. The guy probably isn't sinister but is that a chance OP should take because NAMALT Hmm

changedname10 · 07/12/2018 22:00

My DH said that is CREEPY! He hates it when children follow him at soft play and said he feels like everyone would look at him like a pervert so tells the kids to 'piss of' I think he meant go away 😂 seriously though one little girl once was following him around and kept trying to touch his bum and even pull his pants down he asked her 5 times to leave him alone and she didn't so In the end he brought her out of the play area and found her mum!! Seriously I'd tell men to stay away from kids in these places...

RhiWrites · 07/12/2018 22:03

OP, you bring your daughter so she can play independently. This man is encouraging her to join in with him and his daughter. You get to decide your own comfort level with that.

Whether or not this man has any consciousness at all of your possible concerns is another issue. He could be completing unaware or have nefarious intentions.

But you get to decide your own comfort level with the situation and to politely tell him to back off, which it sounds like you did. That is not unreasonable.

FestiveNut · 07/12/2018 22:07

@klutzy I would also be incredibly suspicious of a random woman who sat my toddler on her lap to go down a slide tbf. And annoyed, because it is very dangerous. I am a woman who works with children and I am very careful never to be on my own out of sight with someone else's child. The sex of the individual here is not the main issue.

AngelsSins · 07/12/2018 22:08

I was abused by my own dad as a kid, and he wasn’t the only creepy man I encountered in my childhood. Yes, child abusers may not be common, but they’re hardly as rare as unicorns!

I see it as a risk. On one side you could be rude to a man who’s is innocently playing with your child and risk hurting his feelings. On the other side you could risk your child being abused in order to be polite. What’s more important?

I hate that women get blamed for worrying about this sort of thing, it is a minority of men who are to be blamed for this, not women. And make no mistake, if OP was polite and let her daughter disappear out of sight with an unknown man who abused her child, she would be the first person blamed for allowing it to happen.

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