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AIBU?

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Original poster

to ask you how to withdraw my help?

219 replies

Labonya · 30/11/2018 07:48

I've posted a couple of times about doing too much and being under appreciated as a step mum. Doing long school runs with a tiny baby in the car too and having very little help with anything else. I'm not going to go in to it as I'm exhausted by it, but I need your help...

My DH has got used to this, and I don't know how I can stop doing these things. I know if I just stop, our relationship will suffer, and I don't want DSD to suffer because of it, but I am really struggling.

How do I explain to him that breastfeeding a baby that isn't sleeping at night and is cluster feeding is totally exhausting? I don't think he realises how hard it is.

How do I tell him I don't want to do ANY school runs anymore. Not for the foreseeable future anyway?

I don't know why I'm so worried about this. I'm anxious, I'm waiting for an appointment with the doctors for post natal anxiety which is spiralling a bit.

I just don't have the energy for an argument.

Not sure what I'm asking for but if anyone could offer any support or words of wisdom it would be greatly appreciated...

OP posts:
Original poster
Labonya · 30/11/2018 07:52

I know I sound completely pathetic but I'm so tired and just cannot cope.

OP posts:
masterandmargarita · 30/11/2018 07:59

So your willing to suffer in silence to prevent your relationship suffering? Sod that. Put yourself and baby first. You could always tell him your milk supply is drying up because you're doing too much! Your dp is taking the piss.

PurpleDaisies · 30/11/2018 08:00

Does your dsd live with you? Have you always done the school run from before your baby was born? Could your husband get her to school in time if you can’t?

Whatever the answers, he needs to know how much you’re struggling and do what he can to lighten your load, whether that’s the school run or other things.

Flowers it sounds like things are really tough. You’re definitely doing the right thing by seeing your doctor.

Mrspimplepopper · 30/11/2018 08:03

I remember your previous thread. You need to put yourself and your baby first. Your dsd school run is an hour away is that right? Driving when tired with a new born isn't ok. You need to talk calmly to your dh

fuzzywuzzy · 30/11/2018 08:03

You’re cluster feeding and sleep deprived. You tell your H that you can’t drive in this state as you’re a danger on the road, to yourself, the occupants of the car and others on the road. Therefore you will not be doing any driving for now.

Lordamighty · 30/11/2018 08:04

You poor thing, I could barely leave the house in the early bf days. Unfortunately you will have to be straight with him so there is no misunderstanding.

Original poster
Labonya · 30/11/2018 08:04

@PurpleDaisies I always did the school run but DSD mum moved away so it's now a 40 mike round trip.

I have driven 150 miles with my son, but it's different because I stopped up to 3 times an hour to fill him up with milk and get him out of his seat. It took all afternoon, but DH will use this to say that driving 40 miles is nothing. It's just not the same though. I don't have an option to stop if DS is screaming as I'm on a time constraint and just don't want to do it. He wouldn't be able to pick her up, because of work.

OP posts:
IForgotThisEvening · 30/11/2018 08:04

I’ve read your previous posts and fwiw I agree that you shouldn’t be doing the school run with such a small baby, especially the distance and with no sleep.

I think the only way to proceed is just to be straight and say that you’re not doing it anymore, and stick to it. Dsd has two parents who should be arranging this between themselves, it shouldn’t be falling to you to do it just to make their lives easier.

KeiTeNgeNge · 30/11/2018 08:08

You are just going to have to hold your ground and say it doesn’t work for you. It’s going to be awful but you’ll get through it. The child has two parents to sort out the school run. You need to focus on your, and baby’s, health.

PurpleDaisies · 30/11/2018 08:13

40 mile round trip?!! Wow. That’s not the kind of school run I was picturing. Totally irrelevant to the thread but why is she at school so far away from home? Surely that needs sorting out.

You should definitely tell your Dh that (at the very least for the moment) you can’t do the school run. If driving 40 miles is nothing, he should do it.

Original poster
Labonya · 30/11/2018 08:14

@PurpleDaisies DSD mum moved away and DH couldn't do much about it... sadly!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 30/11/2018 08:15

He can move her now though.

Tisahardlife · 30/11/2018 08:16

I think you need to put the responsibility back into the parents court "I'm unable to keep supporting you (DH) and DHexW with DSD school runs as I am not safe to drive due to tiredness and the time spent in the car is too distressing for DS" (Not that you have to give reason)

Keep repeating the same message every time he tries to argue that "it's not that bad really". His daughter is ultimately his responsibility, you have been doing him and her mum a huge favour, however your circumstances have now changed and you are no longer able to provide the lifts so DSD parents need to sort out a different way of managing how she gets to school.

PurpleDaisies · 30/11/2018 08:16

She must be exhausted if she’s having to spend a that time travelling every day.

gamerchick · 30/11/2018 08:20

Well you can always wait until an accident happens because it's reached tipping point OP.

TELL him you're taking a break from the school runs for a good year and he's going to have to sort something else out. Then don't do it. Tell him why if you have to then stick to it.

You'll get your full measure of what type of person he is in his response but stick to those guns. If as he thinks 40 miles is nothing then he won't find it hard to rearrange his life to do it himself.

Or you can wait until you've dropped from exhaustion or have that accident.

Doje · 30/11/2018 08:22

Sit down with your DH and say 'we need to find an alternative as this isn't working for me at the moment'. Do all three of you need to sit and sort it? You, DH and DSD's mum. All three of you are her family.

Cornishclio · 30/11/2018 08:23

Does your DSD live with you and are you doing it every day both for drop offs and to collect? That is not acceptable with a newborn when you are not getting much sleep and are exhausted. Tell your DH you don't feel safe to drive that far and can't do it at the moment. If he doesn't support you I would not worry if your relationship suffers. He sounds completely selfish. I feel sorry for your DSD but she has two parents. I don't quite understand whether her school is 40 minutes drive away or your DHs ex. If she lives with her mum why can't the mum do the school runs? They are both taking advantage. Put your DS first.

Teateaandmoretea · 30/11/2018 08:24

Move her to a different school seems the most sensible idea.

brizzledrizzle · 30/11/2018 08:25

DSD's parents need to sort out a way between themselves of doing the school run for their daughter. If that means moving her to school nearer to her home then so be it - it's not your responsibility to do a 40 mile round trip to get her to school, especially if it is because of her mother moving house further away - that was presumably her mother's choice and so it's her mother's responsibility to get her to school. If she can't then it's the father's responsibility.

Missingstreetlife · 30/11/2018 08:25

It's not every day, op said in pp that it's regular but they have shared care. Dp is going to have to pay for care until he can collect or change his work hours for a few months at least or make different arrangement with ex
Just say no op

Original poster
Labonya · 30/11/2018 08:27

I wish I had never agreed to it in the first place. She was only 10 minutes away when I agreed to do it before.

DSD isn't here all the time. It wouldn't make sense to move her to a school nearer us when she's with her mum the majority of the time .

OP posts:
EtVoilaBrexit · 30/11/2018 08:28

You need to be very assertive there.

I don’t buy the ‘he doesn’t realise how exhausted I am’.
I mean it will be obvious you are not getting a good night sleep ever. It will be obvious the baby is cluster feeding. And it will be obvious that driving when you are that exhausted as well how hard it can be with such a young baby is also nit a good idea.
So for me, it’s a case of ‘the situation works for me. I’ll close my eyes to the potential issues as long as Labonya doesn’t grumble’

The conclusion is that you need to stand up for yourself and tell you will NOT do any of the schools runs until things have settled down with the baby. And when they have, then you, together, will reconsider how you can HELP HIM with his dd.
Tell him the risk you are taking each time you are driving. Tell him how unfair it is in the baby too.

The situation is unacceptable for you and it’s putting you and your baby and your dad at risk. Who would be happy with that?

NicePieceOfPlaid · 30/11/2018 08:30

Just tell him straight. The school run is too much for you now. You cannot do it and will never do it while he's at school so far away. Personally, I think it's up to his mother. She chose to move away she should deal with the fallout.

Just tell him straight.

EtVoilaBrexit · 30/11/2018 08:31

You need to remember that agreeing to take her to school when the school is 10mins away doesn’t mean you have to accept to do that when the school is 40 miles away.

You wouldn’t be going back on your word because circumstances have changed.

Add a baby to the mix (again a new circumstance) and then yu arevtitally within your rights to pull out if the agreement and say it’s not working for you..

Also worth remembering that it’s the mum who moved away so she is the one bearing the responsibility for all the difficulties, incl if this means it is harder for your DH to see his dd. (Which might or might nit have been voluntary)

brizzledrizzle · 30/11/2018 08:31

I wish I had never agreed to it in the first place. She was only 10 minutes away when I agreed to do it before.

In which case either her mother needs to drive over to collect her or her dad needs to take her.

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