to ask you how to withdraw my help?

[Labonya]

I've posted a couple of times about doing too much and being under appreciated as a step mum. Doing long school runs with a tiny baby in the car too and having very little help with anything else. I'm not going to go in to it as I'm exhausted by it, but I need your help...

My DH has got used to this, and I don't know how I can stop doing these things. I know if I just stop, our relationship will suffer, and I don't want DSD to suffer because of it, but I am really struggling.

How do I explain to him that breastfeeding a baby that isn't sleeping at night and is cluster feeding is totally exhausting? I don't think he realises how hard it is.

How do I tell him I don't want to do ANY school runs anymore. Not for the foreseeable future anyway?

I don't know why I'm so worried about this. I'm anxious, I'm waiting for an appointment with the doctors for post natal anxiety which is spiralling a bit.

I just don't have the energy for an argument.

Not sure what I'm asking for but if anyone could offer any support or words of wisdom it would be greatly appreciated...

His contact arrangements will have to change to Saturday mornings or whatever your husband can do. There is no other way. If you are adamant you aren’t going to do the school run, you need to say it and stick to it.

Her answer in court was that because she had moved away, she didn't think it was appropriate for DSD to spend time with us in the week. The court disagreed.

Of course if your dh is unhappy about it then yes your relationship will suffer and your dsd will be affected too but I don’t see any alternative and hopefully in time everyone will adjust.

I remember your other thread. I’m not sure about this one really. It’s not every day and while 20 miles is a long way for a school run I’m not sure it’s the end of the world either. I don’t see 20 miles the same way some people on here seem to. My commute is 25 and it’s the same distance we have to go for most of our shopping, hospital appointments, a decent meal out that sort of thing so it just doesn’t seem like such a big deal.
What is a big deal is I’d you feel your dh isn’t listening to you when you are saying your struggling.
I’ve had 3 dc and bf them all so know how knackering it can be but at times I just had to get on with it and it can be crippling so I’m not saying you should have to do it because other people do but maybe a compromise of putting something else in place for a few months until you feel more back on your feet.

Talk.

The Health of YOU, your Baby, AND your Step Daughter will all suffer if this situation is not resolved.

To be honest, part of me wouldn't mind doing it if he actually gave me a hand elsewhere. I'm just a bit of a mug to be honest!

Please don't focus on being gentle with your request or it will be dismissed.

Just say "DH I can't do the school run anymore, I'm exhausted and I'm not safe to drive so far. You need to find an alternative"
Repeat word for word until he listens. If that simple request causes relationship problems that's because of him and not your fault.

(And I would say the same if she was your biological DD)

Honestly, I would just say "Dh baby isn't sleeping, I am wrecked, the school run just isn't something I can do a anymore, I am struggling. Can you arrange with bm to sort it out between you?", If he says yes then great, if he says no "Look I am temporarily putting me and the baby first so you'll need, as her parents, to just sort it out between you. I have told you I am struggling" Honestly if he still doesn't agree and your relationship suffers then so be it, you are wrecked, that's a stupidly long school run and probably not even safe if you are that tired

@LooksBetterWithAFilter i understand your point, but did you not choose yourself to live that far away from stuff?

I’ve been where you are now. I didn’t say anything, struggled on and then really suffered after a few months.
Tell your DH how you feel. Your priority is your baby and your health (physical, mental and emotional).
At this time DH and his ex need to just get on with it and make arrangements between themselves.
Read the book “stepmonster” by Wednesday Martin. She gives advice on various ways to detach. You’ll look at it in a different light and won’t feel guilty. It also doesn’t need to affect your relationship with DSD.

You need to be clear and firm with your DH: he MUST sort out his work schedule so he can get his child to/from her school when it's his responsibility. You can and will no longer do it.

And when/if you go back to work when your joint child(ren) are in school and it isn't conducive to the school schedule like his isn't, he will adjust to do his SHARE of drop offs and picks up just like you will. He won't be helping you out; he will be doing his SHARE of childcare and taking responsibliity.

And DO NOT day you wouldn't mind if he gave you a hand elsewhere, it's not either/or, he needs to step up to both

To be honest, part of me wouldn't mind doing it if he actually gave me a hand elsewhere. I'm just a bit of a mug to be honest!

Right, so this is your problem. Your h is a lazy arse who takes you for granted, takes advantage of you, and is a lazy bellend.

He needs to be told some home truths, swiftly. DSD is HIS child - he needs to sort out the school run.

Your dc is HIS child too - he needs to step up and do his share with night wakings, giving you lie-ins, doing his share of the housework.

How do I explain to him that breastfeeding a baby that isn't sleeping at night and is cluster feeding is totally exhausting? I don't think he realises how hard it is.

Either he does, and he just doesn't care that you're exhausted, he just wants an easy life, or he's completely stupid. Which is it?

OP you can post a thousand threads and the answers will be the same, but unless your actually prepared to follow through on your refusal nothing will change. You DP does not want to understand your position because then he would have to make a change to a situation he is quite happy with.

And it's not 'giving you a hand' - it's called being a responsible parent and doing his share of parenting!

Don't be a mug any longer.

You are risking your life and your baby's and your H doesn't even seem to consider this as it makes his life easier. You're going to see a doctor because enabling your spouse is making you sick. Every one of these threads featuring a woman who went with some guy who had a kid and it's not hard to see why the guy wound up single after procreating.

'I can't do the school runs anymore. I'm so exhausted I'm a danger to myself and the kids. It's making me sick. You will have to make other arrangements.'

He'll turn it back on you about your letting him down, leaving in the lurch, can you give him more time to sort something, etc.

But the bottom line is that you are risking your life and health and that of his kids to make his life easier.

Keep repeating that.

Are you the one who went to your mum's last week? Who collected dsd, how did it go?

@LooksBetter thé difference here is that they were YOUR children. And your DH didn’t shrink away from doing anything in the house/support you.

OP from your last post, the issue isn’t the Tavel. Its the fact your DH is a twat that is refusing to support you/do his share of the housework and parenting (incl parenting his own dd)
He went to court to ensure he couod see his dd during the week. Surely, he should do its utmost to make it work?
(It also looks like the mother moved away to get away from him and reduce contact time. Is there a reason for that??)

To be honest, part of me wouldn't mind doing it if he actually gave me a hand elsewhere. I'm just a bit of a mug to be honest!

Why am I not surprised?

He's not pulling his weight. Pulling his weight is not 'giving you a hand'.

You know now why these men are divorced/split from their partners.

Btw if you stand your ground and ask him to his share and take his responsibilities with his dd, and he then gets angry and says it has had a negative impact in the Relationship,
THEN please know this will be HIS responsibility, not yours for the damage done. Because a father and husband doing their fair share of the housework/parenting is NORMAL and refusing to do so makes THEM responsible for the fall out.

So he fought in court to keep weekday stays even though he isn't there. Why did he do that? You need to be straight. You can't do the school run so it needs to go to the weekend contact. If he doesn't want that then he needs to be there looking after dsd and doing school run.

@LooksBetterWithAFilter
Because you chose to live 25 miles from your job has no bearing on OP’s problems.

I think you'll get the same advice as on your last post.
You either need to tell him you're not doing it, or suck it up.

I think I know your previous thread. Your just going to have to have a blunt conversation that if he can't do the school run then contact will need to be at weekends.

You can just imagine the scenario/backlash from Ex if you have an accident whilst DSD is in car

Is this the dick head who switched his phone off when you were too exhausted to get HIS child?

You've been given all the advice before. You can choose to be a mug, or not. But in the meantime, you may kill yourself, his child, your child and random strangers if you have a RTA because you are too tired to drive.

You will be the one that has consequences for causing an accident, not him. Think about that. He doesn't give a shit.