to ask you how to withdraw my help?

[Labonya]

I've posted a couple of times about doing too much and being under appreciated as a step mum. Doing long school runs with a tiny baby in the car too and having very little help with anything else. I'm not going to go in to it as I'm exhausted by it, but I need your help...

My DH has got used to this, and I don't know how I can stop doing these things. I know if I just stop, our relationship will suffer, and I don't want DSD to suffer because of it, but I am really struggling.

How do I explain to him that breastfeeding a baby that isn't sleeping at night and is cluster feeding is totally exhausting? I don't think he realises how hard it is.

How do I tell him I don't want to do ANY school runs anymore. Not for the foreseeable future anyway?

I don't know why I'm so worried about this. I'm anxious, I'm waiting for an appointment with the doctors for post natal anxiety which is spiralling a bit.

I just don't have the energy for an argument.

Not sure what I'm asking for but if anyone could offer any support or words of wisdom it would be greatly appreciated...

Ok so reading between the lines the relationship between your partner and his ex is acrimonious and she was happy (indeed asked) for this midweek contact to stop.

So HE wants it but want do anything for it. Presumably he actually doesnt do much when she is here its just a means of fighting his ex.

You are going to have to find the strength here - this situation benefits no one (including your DSD to have to do this trip either. Its purely a power trip but your supposedly (D)H.

How often is contact

Once a week is too much.

All those saying OP should suck it up it’s just once a week. You really want to be on the road with a sleep deprived mother with a baby in the car driving for and hour meeting you head on in the roads? Especially currently when roads are wet and can be icy.

I was in the car with DP when a woman nearly drove into the passenger side, she appeared utterly unaware that she was on a busy motorway weaving thro lanes. Was utterly terrifying dodging her without driving into other cars.

No way should OP be on the roads in hercurrent state. Her DSD will understand and rather alive and annoyed than dead.

Who is doing both school runs today?

I think there's a balance to be struck, whilst babies are demanding, mine fed very frequently and slept poorly too, but they are also very adaptable - they will fit into whatever schedule you choose after a few days. The driving seems a long way but depends where you are, I can get 20 miles in around 30 mins where I am, whereas in London that would be crazy. I think compromises are needed eg dh does the drop offs, you do pick ups, but also you need to make baby wait sometimes because it just gets worse if you are too responsive, I learnt that the hard way first time (dd2 much easier!) consider once a week dh doing the night feeds (express or use formula) so you can get decent sleep (spare room if possible), failing that 3-4 hours on a weekend- they can go that between feeds. I demand fed, it's very tiring so a break is essential for you

That is quite a lot of driving OP. I can why they've structured it so. But it's too much, I can see why you're a wreck. Could you do maybe just one of the runs? 4 hours in a car on a Friday with a newborn sounds nuts.

So am I right in thinking you have already done this several times OP?

Here's a way to withdraw; go to your GP tell him you think you have PND. Come back, tell your DH the GP said no driving for at least 6 weeks. Did you also say you have your mum nearby? If so, head off there for a week.

Then when you feel stronger address the fact that your DH is leading you down the garden path to being a doormat. This will only get worse.

Op, I think I have read a number of your threads over the last month. Are you the same lady who posted " just given birth and hate everybody"? I think you may be the same lady whose DP took baby upstairs to bond with him and it upset you. Also posted about corsets and getting your figure back?There was a post yesterday about your baby suckling for 3 hrs at a time and using a dummy was suggested to take the pressure off you? I think you have also had worries you may be suffering from baby blues? Your mum lives in a diff country? A recent post about how your DP doesn't want you to visit your mum at xmas as he will not see his son for a week? When your DP was on mat leave you found him unhelpful and wanted him back at work, but when he went back to work you posted that you were dealing with everything on your own and yr DSD was staying for a week? Last week a post about an appt you wanted to go to but there was an issue as to why you couldn't go? Apologies if I am wrong but if you are one and the same,there are so many things preoccupying you at the moment. As other posters have said you have posted about the DSD sch run before also. In most of the threads it has been advised that you talk to your health visitor and your DP. I really do think you should see your GP today. Previous threads have all advised you to engage more with your health visitor. This is really important as they can help you to put changes and routines in place to help make your life easier and that will include your DP doing a bit more in these early weeks. I really do think that you should reach out to your HV today also. They are better placed and in situ as it were to provide practical help and advice for you and your baby immediately. It may be helpful if your DP could be there with you for both appts so that he can fully understand how you are feeling at this time.

In the past, we've done mid-point handovers for long journeys - at service stations or whatever. Might that be an option? ...although waiting around can happen too in that situation.

Why can DSD M (gosh too many letters and I don't even know if I've got it right) not do those days?

Is there a reason why you had to do them in the first place

I don't even know the number for the HV :(

Your DH needs to speak to his employer and explain that he needs flexible working to accommodate childcare responsbilities on Thursdays and Fridays in termtime, or make other arrangements for the school run, eg FIL, taxi; and/or have his daughter in breakfast/afterschool clubs on those days so that he can do the school run.

OP, I think you're going to have to put on your big girl pants and lay it on the line: it's unsafe because you're exhausted, it's dangerous for the baby, and it's making you ill. I'd be adding that, on top of cluster feeding a young baby, you are doing EVERYTHING else for the family, and he needs to step up and do his share.

Then you can have the conversation about whether he does a couple of waking nights so you can get a decent night's sleep or takes responsibility for looking after the baby at weekends to give you a break, plus what household stuff he can do so that the burden is more equally shared.

He'll probably say that he works FT etc, but you just need to point out that that is 35-40 hours pw, whereas caring for a young infant is 24/7, so you're working 168 hours pw.

When you started doing the school runs, you had no idea whether your baby was going to be one of those dream babies that sleeps loads and is (relatively) easy or one that seems to require next to no sleep. There's no way you would have agreed to the school runs if you'd known how shattered you would be.

You'll have to be firm and assertive, so practice what you'll say before you have the discussion.

@FannyFanackerpants71

A recent post about how your DP doesn't want you to visit your mum at xmas as he will not see his son for a week?

But OP doesn't have a step son so that clearly wasn't OP. Are you going to attribute every single thread started by a step-mum to OP?

That's really not helpful and will likely drive away the OP.

@Labonya Your GP surgery will have HV number. If you have no HV number how have you been interacting with her?

If not do you have a red book for your son? Given at birth. Your HV number should be written in the first page.

OP, please call your GP now and get an appt today/afternoon. Could your DP come home from work now to help you sort these appts today?

If you're too tired to drive 40 miles you definitely shouldn't be driving 150

OP - the 'court ordered' contact is not binding to the parent. He doesn't have to see his daughter in the week, just because the court ordered it - she needs to be 'available' for if he exercises his 'right' to see her in the week.

He can, for eg, say for the next term (so until Easter) or until Summer Hols, we see dsd at weekends only. That would let you off the 'school run' until then. HE picks dsd up at the weekend.

But i bet he wouldn't go for that. And why would he? He sees his dsd, at your cost. None to him.

@M4J4 no, the Op has a son, that's the son I meant. The son she shares with her DP.

@FunshineCareBear there's a difference though between choosing to do 150 miles on a day where I've had a good sleep the night before, and being tied in to driving 40 miles at set times where I can't choose to stop, or not make the journey.

PepsiLola - you could RTFT. In it, it is explained that the DSD mother went to court to try to get contact to 'weekends only'. OPs DH demanded he see his dd during the week, and the court agreed. SO, OP now has to collect dsd and deliver her to her DH, because HE won't do it.

The underlying issue then if it is all the same poster is that she is stuck in a very controlling relationship she doesnt feel strong enough to get out from.

Clearly the DSD mum has gone far away too and wants to be rid but he still wants to be in control.

I am not sure that just talking is going to get anywhere I think the OP needs clear help and professional support

I am not saying LTB, but how would he manage this if you left him?

OP, the obvious thing to do, is to sit down with dh and say

I can't do this any more. I am knackered, I am not safe behind the wheel, it is your daughter and it is killing me. You have no idea how hard the bf and no sleep is.
Help.

That fact that you can't do that in any way, or that if you did he would not respond, tells me that there are serious issues in your relationship.

So, thinking about that, if you want to force the issue and force change, and make him step up etc, then I would simply remain in bed with baby on the day you are supposed to get dsd. I would tell him with a couple of days notice, I can't drive her on Wednesday, and then just don't do it. This is quite a confrontational route, and would only work if deep down he is a nice person who want sto find a way to make it all work.

The other option is to get in the car and leave. Go to your mum's a friends, anywhere really, so you are not there on that day.

If your relationship breaks down over this then it was not worth having. No decent man would stand by and watch his partner struggle like this.

My Friday is pretty much dedicated to school run as I only get 3/4 hours in between by the time I get home. I'm driving for 4 hours on a Friday...

Your options are to carry on or to say you are no longer able to do this. Only you can decide what you are willing to do. No one can force you into doing this.
If you are worried you are in an abusive relationship then you need to address this as a separate issue to the school run and seek help to get out.

Write it down in bullet points, very very clearly. Either give him it to read himself, or use it to remind you what you have to say when you're doing it so you don't lose the thread.

Be as firm as you can. "No more school run, too dangerous as exhausted." rather than "May not be able to do school run - ?give it up" iyswim.

Also, as well as the things you need to stop doing, make sure you list the extra things that he has to do.