to ask you how to withdraw my help?

[Labonya]

I've posted a couple of times about doing too much and being under appreciated as a step mum. Doing long school runs with a tiny baby in the car too and having very little help with anything else. I'm not going to go in to it as I'm exhausted by it, but I need your help...

My DH has got used to this, and I don't know how I can stop doing these things. I know if I just stop, our relationship will suffer, and I don't want DSD to suffer because of it, but I am really struggling.

How do I explain to him that breastfeeding a baby that isn't sleeping at night and is cluster feeding is totally exhausting? I don't think he realises how hard it is.

How do I tell him I don't want to do ANY school runs anymore. Not for the foreseeable future anyway?

I don't know why I'm so worried about this. I'm anxious, I'm waiting for an appointment with the doctors for post natal anxiety which is spiralling a bit.

I just don't have the energy for an argument.

Not sure what I'm asking for but if anyone could offer any support or words of wisdom it would be greatly appreciated...

I agree totally, but it is only once a week.

Can your husbands parents do it if they are nearby?

The thing is there are 2 people in the relationship and this is already affecting the relationship isn't it.

Does he help at all at night?

You need to sit down with him and hammer home just how much you are struggling with nights and how tired and anxious you are. He needs to work with you on this to give you a break. My husband isn't very empathetic and I was breastfeeding but when I told him how awful I felt he would take the baby a walk in the middle of the night or get up very very early in the morning to take the baby for a bit so I could get some undisturbed sleep.

The cluster feeding should ease off soon but sleep may or may not.

I would say at the moment it's just not safe and it's constantly on your mind and simply you cannot cope with it

It might help if you could come up with another solution. What would he do if you werent there - just not see his child? Could she go into after school club until he could pick her up? Is there a childminder that lives slightly nearer to you that could collect her and she could wait with until he gets her? Or a new friend? Would school let her out early so you miss the traffic?

Yes the situation was different when you agreed to "help" but this is not SDS's fault.

And it’s also not her baby’s fault that the school is so far away. Why should she put her baby at risk when it can be avoided? You’re basically saying she should put her baby’s life at risk just to keep the status quo for everyone else. She could crash from being so sleep deprived and babies shouldn’t be in car seats for so long. The op’s partner needs to find another solution.
And when I had my youngest recently, I suddenly stopped taking my OWN children to school and their school is only 10 minutes away. They knew it was because of me just having a baby.

And BTW you picking up a member of your family when you are the only one practicably able to do so (your SDS is a member of your family) is not "helping" - it is family stuff. It is responsibility. It is pitching in.

She is helping her dp.

I thought that babies weren’t supposed to be in car seats for over an hour at a time due to potential breathing difficulties? Doing the 40 miles there and back would put your newborn in danger imo.

I remember your last post Op, sorry that it hasn't gotten easier for you yet. OK so my DP was a bit like this at the start, I wasn't doing 40 mile round trips but he did not get how hard it is to breastfeed,and how awful it is driving with a screaming baby. You need to talk to him when you have a bit of quite time with baby sleeping. Tell him you are exhausted and can't do the trip for the foreseeable future. Tell him if he can't pick up DSD and her DM can't pick her up that he will have to come up with a solution. Maybe he could organise a taxi with your local office. Go in a meet one of the taxi drivers, they will be used to these kind of requestsand organise to have the same taxi person pick up your DSD every week to bring her to yours. I totally understand you, it is really hard breastfeeding and if someone hasn't done it they don't understand at all. You are not being unreasonable Op

Why oh why is it the post-natally anxious step mum with newborn doing the once a week 40 mile drive and not the daughter's own father (presumably it was he and not the OP who insisted upon mid-week contact)? 'Work' isn't a good enough reason - he obviously doesn't consider the logistics of his contact with his daughter to be his responsibilty. Good luck with the chat OP, be assertive even if he tries to minimise and undermine your concerns re tiredness. It's dangerous. It's also not a sign of a healthy marriage when you don't feel able to express exactly how you feel at ALL times, with no fear of consequences. Tell him that.

Once a week or once a day OP? Big big difference.

Why oh why is it the post-natally anxious step mum with newborn doing the once a week 40 mile drive and not the daughter's own father

I think it’s disgusting.

Oh noes, you should not be doing that! If necessary get your GP to tell him so! Bless you, you sound so kind. Hope it sorts out.

I too thought it was once a week?

Could you clarify OP.

Although I don't think that is actually the point anymore is it? It's the expectation OP will just be able to do it, it's the lack of overall support, it's the fact the dad isn't pulling his weight etc

You married a bad person. Up to you whether you stay and put up with it.

Maybe a compromise, suggest that for just the next couple of months DSd comes for the weekends only. If your DH can do mornings she could stay from Sat till Monday morning for eg. Just until you have had a chance to rest a bit and sort out your postnatal anxiety issues. Then hopefully you will feel in a stronger position to state your case at a later date.

*Why oh why is it the post-natally anxious step mum with newborn doing the once a week 40 mile drive and not the daughter's own father

I think it’s disgusting.*

^^

I agree

You have to just tell him "no, I am not going to do it any more" and ignore any sulking or arguing.

To be fair the dad is at work, he isn't sitting at home and sending the OP.

You could put these options to him:

• he works later a few days per week and leaves early for school run on Friday?
• he changes arrangements with his ex and collects his DD later, so drives after work
• you and FIL and and Dad do pick ups in 3 weekly rotation

I am sure there is a work around but it's whether the dad is prepared to pull his finger out.

OP, I will say it isn't always going to be as she's as it is now and it's important to foster positive relations with your DSD. A once a week pick up won't seem like such an uphill struggle as baby gets a bit older.

* this is all based on assumption that the OP is collecting just once a week

Isn't it shit that dsm have no rights /opinions but being a free taxi /child care provider is taken for granted?
Tell dh he needs to take over dsd while you concentrate on a new baby with much higher demands.
Or suggest you start ff and then he can do the nights so you aren't too tired to drive.
You can't do it all.

It's three times a week.

Once on a Thursday evening.
Once on a Friday morning.
Once on a Friday afternoon.

My Friday is pretty much dedicated to school run as I only get 3/4 hours in between by the time I get home. I'm driving for 4 hours on a Friday...

What happened when you went to your mum's house? Who fetched her, what did your th say?

In the nicest possible way OP you are being a complete doormat here to your DP.

You say No, and you mean No.

I don't get what is such an issue about it. Are you frightened of him or something?

Once is too much but all of that is taking the piss. Your Fridays are literally all school runs. What about bonding time with your baby? I bet you feel pressure to get housework done in between all of that too don’t you. What time do you need to set off Friday morning in order to avoid traffic??
You must be so exhausted.

You need to tell him it has to stop. If he doesn’t understand and have empathy then he isn’t good enough for you.

I wonder if he is suffering from the you're-at-home-all-day-with-nothing-else-to-do delusion. I hear it's pretty common. It's also hard for them to understand sometimes quite how draining night feeds are.

Regardless of the above I personally think it's too long for a tiny baby in a car seat myself - stick to your guns. They will have to figure out a temporary solution though even when your baby gets older it will mess up your nap schedule as the baby's bound to fall asleep in the car home from school.

If you feel you must do it do both pick ups and someone else do fri am then your only going once a day.

You don't need to have a conversation. Just say you can't do it any more and repeat until it sinks in.

The mother moved away,let her deal with it.

Can your husband change his work pattern?

Good grief woman, your baby shouldn't be doing those trips and nor should you when so exhausted! What on earth is your husband thinking? This isn't reasonable or sustainable.

Please tell us you are going to call a halt to this ridiculous expectation being put on you. There will be other solutions, but until you say 'no more' then there is no incentive for your selfish git of a husband to sort it out.

You need to end this op