to ask you how to withdraw my help?

[Labonya]

I've posted a couple of times about doing too much and being under appreciated as a step mum. Doing long school runs with a tiny baby in the car too and having very little help with anything else. I'm not going to go in to it as I'm exhausted by it, but I need your help...

My DH has got used to this, and I don't know how I can stop doing these things. I know if I just stop, our relationship will suffer, and I don't want DSD to suffer because of it, but I am really struggling.

How do I explain to him that breastfeeding a baby that isn't sleeping at night and is cluster feeding is totally exhausting? I don't think he realises how hard it is.

How do I tell him I don't want to do ANY school runs anymore. Not for the foreseeable future anyway?

I don't know why I'm so worried about this. I'm anxious, I'm waiting for an appointment with the doctors for post natal anxiety which is spiralling a bit.

I just don't have the energy for an argument.

Not sure what I'm asking for but if anyone could offer any support or words of wisdom it would be greatly appreciated...

Your baby should not be in a car seat for that length of time, it is dangerous.
You should not be driving without adequate sleep.
Your H is selfish and controlling. I am sorry you are in such an awful situation. It must be obvious to you now why his first marruage broke up.
I agree with contacting the school but I doubt there will be other parents doing such a long journey.
Your HV will support you over the car seat situation.

I read all your previous threads and this is still the same-you have a DH problem. You are getting the same response as from your other threads. For those writing concerning the journey and saying 20miles isn’t far, the OP lives in/around Birmingham so the traffic in that journey is huge and can make the time it takes quadruple to normal.

As you can’t talk to him due to your PND then send him an email. Tell him you are no longer doing it as it puts you all at risk and that he needs to sort it out. He can either finish work early and pick DSD up or he can pay for after school club and pick her up from there. Or he can talk to her mum and pick her up from home.

He also needs to man the fuck up and do his fair share around the house.

You need to prioritise yourself and your baby at this time. There’s no use in being with him if he’s not a supportive partner in life.

What an incredibly selfish man.

No matter how passive, 'nice', and appeasing you are by nature, you must 'woman up', right now, and stop waiting for others to notice and adapt to you and your baby's needs. Start to channel your inner tiger-mama.

Get your priorities clear in your mind. Focus. It will help you deal with the necessary conversation/confrontation this weekend.

Even if inside you don't feel tough, you just have to fake it until you make it. No one else can do this for you. And your baby needs you. You are their whole universe at the moment. You are chief provider and protector. Step up. You can do this.

You don't need a big argument. Just say you are not well and can't do it. He has choices, annual leave etc. Don't discuss it, just tell him.

Don't bring the ex into it, that's for him to deal with ffs

The anxiety is probably due to feeling trapped. Trapped by a new baby who you want to give all of your love and attention to but can't as you are trapped in the position of skivvy to your DH and taxi to his DD. Your niceness won't let you tell him to xxxx off and do his own cleaning and taxiiing so your trapped and anxious.
Something has to change. I hope it's the no more mr nice guy.

When you see the doctor are you going to mention how unsupportive and uncaring your husband is? I hope you do, because it is just as important that you get help for your living situation which is causing post natal anxiety/depression.

TBH I question the quality of time spent with kids after school. Especially at this time of year when it's dark at 4. Most people get home, flap a bit, cook dinner, eat dinner, do homework, watch a bit of telly, pack bag and go to bed - day done. Is your DH really enjoying quality time post school mid week Or is he just fulfilling the court agreement but with enormous personal cost to you?
With a price so high, I consider getting the arrangements reviewed and changed formally. It sounds bonkers and all priciptated because of the exWives desire to move so far away!

I'm wondering why you find it so hard to speak with your husband about this? If it were me I would tell him straight, he needs to speak with his ex and sort out another arrangement. They seem to be happily getting on with their life while you are doing all the school runs which you are finding difficult. Tell him you are not doing it anymore and don't do it. He will soon have to listen when you don't leave the house to do the school run!

I am going to go a bit against the grain here. WRT to the school run, unless there is someone very obviously able to do it (ie would not involve having to take time off work) then you should just do it.

Yes the situation was different when you agreed to "help" but this is not SDS's fault. And BTW you picking up a member of your family when you are the only one practicably able to do so (your SDS is a member of your family) is not "helping" - it is family stuff. It is responsibility. It is pitching in.

The message to your DSD would be loud and horrible if you withdraw your "help" here. You are saying "I have a baby, I cannot be arsed to get you anymore". This is not where you are coming from. Mostly. But in the eyes of a child with a new sibling this will cross their mind.

We all have to do stuff we don't want to do. All the time. We have to do stuff that is tiring and we have to pull our big-girl pants up and just get on with it. We have to clear up sick when we also have novo-virus. We have to pick up from a party when we have been at work all day. We have to do the school run even if we have a raging temperature. We have to do shit even when exhausted with a newborn. In my opinion picking up your DSD is one of those times.

However, your not-so DH needs to pick up a whole heap of slack elsewhere. This is the conversation you need to be having with him.

So yes "withdraw your help" - but not for this. Have the conversation - but about the general division of stuff - not your poor DSD.

Speak to him, take your time.

Just clearly state, I can no longer do the school runs, I'm putting your child, our child and myself in danger.
I agreed when the school run was 10 mins, this has changed now as well as the fact we have a newborn and I'm bf. The circumstances have changed and I can no longer do this. Happy to review in 3 months time but in the meantime you'll need an alternative, as you would if I wasn't around.

I remember your previous post, I thought you said this 40 mile round trip was only once a week?

I read the previous thread too, so I can’t believe you’re here again, and nothing has changed. You got some good advice before, so asking basically the same question isn’t going to give much more.
You need to sit down calmly once baby is in bed and have a chat with DH, saying something has to change. Some options are:

1. DH, his ex and you need to change the days you have DSD to avoid school run
2. Someone else needs to do school run altogether
3. Someone else needs to do school run for a few months while you focus on new baby and feeding
4. Someone looks after baby while you do school run. I understand she’s cluster feeding, but she will survive if you leave her with someone for 1.5 hours once a week. Car journey will be less stressful.
5. You need more help generally, so you’ll be less tired for the school run. Could DH do all the night feeds the night before the school run so you get a full night’s sleep? Are you able to express, even one bottle per week?

If DH point blank refuses to entertain any of those options, I’d be questioning if he actually cares about you at all. Get him to come up with a solution, but something needs to change, otherwise you’ll be back again next week asking MN strangers for support. Ultimately it’s up to you to look after yourself and at the moment you’re going round in circles.

Out of interest, what happened after your other thread? You didn’t want to cause a stir while DSD was there, and you went off to your mum’s, but DH knew something was up after he switched his phone off.

If OP Is as tired as she sounds, getting on with it and doing the school runs could see her in massive trouble if she ends up falling asleep as the wheel.

It’s the parents responsibility to sort out the school runs, DSD could go to after school clubs and her father could pick her up after work.

The mid week contact could stop all together

FIL could pick her up (but H doesn’t wish to it him out🙄)

I would stop the school runs purely from a flsafety orbit of view, OP could kill someo if she falls asleep whilst driving. It’s not safe.

And I had a baby who was a night owl and well remember the exhaustion and how dizzy I felt during the day from lack of sleep.

@frozenpeas.....sorry your suggestion is loopy. This is not a "I can't be arsed" scenario. From the OP's thread this is a desperate and physically exhausted woman at the absolute end of her tether. If she ends up ploughing into an innocent road user because of lack of sleep to placate the step child's potential fear of rejection....,that is just bonkers!!!!! The family are better to make alternative travel arrangements OR enjoy proper quality time with the step daughter at the weekends, with treats, time and proper planning.

If I remember your other thread correctly it's either you or elderly father in law? I think you need to tell him that he either needs to change days or find a way to finish work early so he can do it himself. Sounds like he will put it all on FIL otherwise, which I know isn't your problem but I'd be making sure he did it himself.

Men are sometimes bloody stupid. Maybe it hasn't occurred to him that the drive (that you previously agreed to do - I think, apologies if I'm wrong),is no longer viable for you. Obvious for most, not everyone. If you told him and he disagreed, you have a problem, but if you haven't even discussed it, he may think all is well.

@Tinkobell That is why I am saying she needs to focus on getting the help (and therefore enabling her to be less exhausted) elsewhere.

I agreed with you Frozen peas until I read back and found out the school run is 40 miles round trip! Not reasonable to expect the op to do that when she isnt well, the dh is going to have to find a way to do it himself also if sd's mother has moved away she should have some responsibility for sometimes dropping sd to her dad?

@IloveFrozenpeas
I wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment of your post. However, op is suffering extreme tiredness with a baby that is not sleeping. This isn't a case of popping to the local school down the road to do th school run, but travelling 20 miles to get to the school. With a baby in the car that may be crying or needing attention, and on a time constraint. I think that poses a significant safety issue and hugely increases the risk of a car accident. I think she's fully justified in not making this journey at the moment.
Op does need to woman up and tell her 'd'h that things need to change immediately and he needs to start pulling his weight in all sorts of ways immediately. I'd give him a list just so he was absolutely clear. I wouldn't argue with him about it, but would leave to stay with parents or friends to consider whether to continue the marriage, if he refused to see the need to pull his weight more.

So glad you're going to have the conversation this weekend.

Wishing you strength, do let us know how you get on, we're rooting for you xx

Do you have a mum or other family member who you could stay with for a few weeks, just to get some rest and headspace?

You're exhausted, you need a break.

I agree with some of Frozenpeas sentiments. However, as others have pointed out,,Op is struggling both mentally and physically. I don’t want her on the road tbh, because I don’t want anyone to be hurt in an accident .

I'll be honest and say what I said on your last thread...it is once a week and 20 miles. IMO for family (which dsd is) that is doable.

I agree that Op's step daughter is a family member.

But she is sadly one whose main residence isn't with the Op-hence school being so far away.

Someone else has to step in atm.

Preferably either parent!